Perfect boyfriend-still unsure

[mclovin]

My bf is a wonderful guy. He treats me extremeley well and genuinly loves and cares for me. He is somewhat clingy, but in a sweet way. He also discusses how he wants to get married all the time.

 

Words cannot express how appreciative I am of what a wonderful giving guy he truly is.

 

However, as horrible as it may sound...but for the past few weeks, everything about him is irritating me. I do a good job masking it, as I don't want to hurt his feelings, especially since he is such a wonderful chivalrous guy. It hurts me to even write this because I know everyone is thinking what a witch I am or how I don't deserve this because of the way I feel, but I can't help the way I feel. Believe me, I have done my best to "talk myself out of" feeling this way, but it seems to fail and ultimately gets worse as time progresses.

 

I am enjoying our time together---for now. But how do I nicely tell him I'm uncertain about a permanant future together next time he asks or intimates it?

[westrock]

But how do I nicely tell him I'm uncertain about a permanant future together next time he asks or intimates it?

 

Are you able to articulate what exactly you are uncertain about? Are you hoping to find someone better?

[socialight]

you are a witch and you don't deserve him.

[mclovin]

SOCIALLIGHT:

 

 

Sexism

 

If the shoe were on the other foot how would this thread really go???

 

Oh, how many women have acted needy or clingy to men and were portrayed as potential fatal and ridiculed? Bet'cha a million bucks if I were a guy and I wrote the same EXACT thread about a girl, the responses would be the opposite.

 

When a women jumps through hoops like a circus poodle in hopes of pleasing her man because she can't hold her own, society either views this as a general stereotype of women.

 

Seldom would a guy write..."she did all those lovely things for you and you don't want to marry her? You *****!"

 

Rather, It's highly likely you would see something more like "dude, tell her you need space 'cause you're roped!"

 

The man would not be told what a horrible character he is, unless it was by the other needy-clingy women who sympathize with her.

 

 

So SOCIALIGHT, I don't know you or your problems, but I bet if your next gf clinged on you and you were uncertain, then you'd feel the same way too. Judging by what you wrote, I doubt you have it in your heart to mask how you felt around that someone due to respect for certain feelings. From the sounds of it, your character sucks. My guess is that you were rejected numerous times. Why else would you be so bitter?

[zenith]

hmmm.. stop complaining

[BobSacamento]

Dump him and stop wasting his and your time.

[Prodigal Princess]

I thought socialight was just being ironic..

 

Anyway, you shouldn't feel bad just because you're not into someone. It doesn't matter how "wonderful" a person is - if the chemistry isn't there, there's no point in pursuing a relationship. We've all met guys who are great "on paper" but in reality just don't have that spark.

 

If you truly care about this guy, you should let him go now. Stringing him along will just make it harder on both of you. I'd just use the old "it's not you, it's me" line. It's kinda true in this case, anyway.

[movingonandon]

SOCIALLIGHT:

 

 

Sexism

 

If the shoe were on the other foot how would this thread really go???

 

Oh, how many women have acted needy or clingy to men and were portrayed as potential fatal and ridiculed? Bet'cha a million bucks if I were a guy and I wrote the same EXACT thread about a girl, the responses would be the opposite.

 

When a women jumps through hoops like a circus poodle in hopes of pleasing her man because she can't hold her own, society either views this as a general stereotype of women.

 

Seldom would a guy write..."she did all those lovely things for you and you don't want to marry her? You *****!"

 

Rather, It's highly likely you would see something more like "dude, tell her you need space 'cause you're roped!"

 

The man would not be told what a horrible character he is, unless it was by the other needy-clingy women who sympathize with her.

 

 

So SOCIALIGHT, I don't know you or your problems, but I bet if your next gf clinged on you and you were uncertain, then you'd feel the same way too. Judging by what you wrote, I doubt you have it in your heart to mask how you felt around that someone due to respect for certain feelings. From the sounds of it, your character sucks. My guess is that you were rejected numerous times. Why else would you be so bitter?

 

Wrong. Guys would certainly avoid the doormat clingy psycho messes, but certainly not somebody who's genuinely nice to them a'la your boyfriend. So yeah, you seem messed up to complain. You'r just not attracted to that guy, so let him go. Then, start a thread about how much you miss the sweet and cozy connection you *used to have* with someone who loved you :laugh:

[EYECANDY000]

It seems like you really do care for your bf. But if everything he is doing is irritating you then I don't see it getting any better. I think you should just let him go and go your seperate ways. What is he doing that makes you so irritable? Was he doing it when you guy were dating?

 

I think some of you guys are being a little harsh. You can't make yourself love someone. Maybe he is the perfect guy but not for her. And maybe in the end she will realize it.

[westrock]

McLovin,

 

Read what you wrote:

 

It hurts me to even write this because I know everyone is thinking what a witch I am or how I don't deserve this because of the way I feel, but I can't help the way I feel.

 

I wasn't thinking that and I doubt neither were most people. Sociallight is actually pointing out to you exactly what you were thinking about yourself:

 

you are a witch and you don't deserve him.

 

Those words are harsh, but you should thank Sociallight for pointing out your own line of thinking. Instead, you wrote the following words where I would say may be describing how you feel about yourself:

 

From the sounds of it, your character sucks. My guess is that you were rejected numerous times. Why else would you be so bitter?

 

It seems to me that you are feeling the way you do because on some level you do not feel that you have the same positive qualities that your boyfriend is expressing to you. You won't be able "talk myself out of" these feelings. You need to focus on increasing your self-esteem and getting to the root of why you feel you don't deserve someone as good as your boyfriend. Stop trying to mask it from your boyfriend. Instead talk with him about the issue.

[unacceptable62]

Do his "perfect" actions sometimes make it feel like it's not real? I know the feeling. You realistically can't up and tell him to be less perfect (which is why you find yourself at this forum, right?).

 

Honestly, I would contemplate taking a break from the relationship and feel if, after a week or two, you honestly miss him. If so, get back together (if he is willing, of course). If not, then you definitely know that he is not the one for you.

[D-Lish]

I agree^^^

 

Try taking a break to get your feelings sorted out.

If the clingyness is bothering you (I know it would bug me)... why not address it with him and see if things get better?

[peteyj]

I think the poster who tried to make this a male vs female thing had it wrong. There was noting in the OP that made this guy out to be this bad person. The girl just isn't into him. End of story. Move on and stop stringing the guy along until somebody better comes along. That's on you, not him. Yeah it's the guys fault cause he's so into you and actually likes you. Yeah it's the guys fault that you just don't like him. And yeah it's the guys fault that some day you are going to find somebody you are into and then either cheat or dump the guy because you were too much of a loser or too clingy yourself to be single.

 

If you don't like somebody in the way you think you need to to be in a relationship, then end it. What's with all this bull about stringing somebody along. It sounds more like you're afraid that you wont' find somebody better or you're afraid of being alone.

 

And to the poster who made it a male vs female thing...these things happen all the time and if this story were reversed and a guy was saying he met some wonderful girl who actually likes him but he's just not into her.....the same advice holds true. Move on and stop wasting peoples time. Girls would call this guy 'somebody who is afraid of committment.'

 

Sometimes there just isn't that chemistry you strive for. .Wrong place and wrong time to meet this person so to speak....But end it and move on. The longer you string this guy along the more likely you're just going to be another cheater who blames everybody else for things that happened unexpectedly.

[socialight]

oh I am deadly serious.

 

ok mclovin, 2 choices:

 

Plan A -- dump this guy for a "real man" who won't return your calls, ignores you, cheats on you, doesn't compliment you, doesn't buy you flowers, strings you along, and generally drives you nuts over 3 or 4 years before breaking your heart. However, he is a "challenge", and you won't be irritated by his clingyness!

 

Plan B -- survery your friends and see what they think of your current BF. Tell them you are thinking of dumping him for [insert local scandalous man here]. Hopefully they will all slap you in the face, call you an idiot, and you will snap out of it, and realize you are an extremely lucky woman.

 

There are literally millions of women who could give everything they have for a nice, considerate, appreciative, romantic gentleman. Here you have one and you are ungrateful.

 

As is, I stand your statement -- you are a witch and don't deserve him.

[You'reasian]

I am enjoying our time together---for now. But how do I nicely tell him I'm uncertain about a permanant future together next time he asks or intimates it?

 

Tell him its ok for him to see other girls - physically, mentally, emotionally etc.

[You'reasian]

oh I am deadly serious.

 

ok mclovin, 2 choices:

 

Plan A -- dump this guy for a "real man" who won't return your calls, ignores you, cheats on you, doesn't compliment you, doesn't buy you flowers, strings you along, and generally drives you nuts over 3 or 4 years before breaking your heart. However, he is a "challenge", and you won't be irritated by his clingyness!

 

Plan B -- survery your friends and see what they think of your current BF. Tell them you are thinking of dumping him for [insert local scandalous man here]. Hopefully they will all slap you in the face, call you an idiot, and you will snap out of it, and realize you are an extremely lucky woman.

 

There are literally millions of women who could give everything they have for a nice, considerate, appreciative, romantic gentleman. Here you have one and you are ungrateful.

 

As is, I stand your statement -- you are a witch and don't deserve him.

 

LOL...this is too funny, but true.

[Geishawhelk]

I'll name that tune....!

 

Joni Mitchell, "Big yellow taxi" - !

 

"Don't it always seem to go

That we don't know what we've got 'til it's gone....!"

 

Oh.

Sorry....

Wrong thread......

 

 

 

 

 

(Or maybe not.)

[You'reasian]

I thought socialight was just being ironic..

 

Anyway, you shouldn't feel bad just because you're not into someone. It doesn't matter how "wonderful" a person is - if the chemistry isn't there, there's no point in pursuing a relationship. We've all met guys who are great "on paper" but in reality just don't have that spark.

 

If you truly care about this guy, you should let him go now. Stringing him along will just make it harder on both of you. I'd just use the old "it's not you, it's me" line. It's kinda true in this case, anyway.

 

What she's saying is that you've got to have a spark even if its going to be a crappy relationship, folks. Spark > wonderful - when it comes down to it.

[manugeorge]

There are literally millions of women who could give everything they have for a nice, considerate, appreciative, romantic gentleman. Here you have one and you are ungrateful.

 

As is, I stand your statement -- you are a witch and don't deserve him.

 

Well see this is exactly where you're wrong. Just because he is perfect on paper doesn't mean he is the perfect guy FOR HER. He could be the second coming of Christ, if there is no chemistry/connection between them, it's all meaningless.

 

You don't shack up with people just because they are nice or romantic. Where do the shared values and goals, emotional compatiblity, shared interests, quirks etc ,come into play? Just because a guy loves you and is equal parts Superman, George Clooney and Ghandi doesn't mean you have to love him back, you either feel it or you don't.

 

And just because she doesn't want this guy doesn't mean she wants a douchebag instead. There is a humongous middle ground, come on now.

 

Do him a favor though like everyone has been saying, don't string him along or rationalize staying with him. That would just be cruel.

[39388]

I don't see this ending well. The BF will eventually be told something like "you're too good for me" without an explanation. It will seem out of the blue to him. He will never know what happened becuase I don't think he will get told that.

[You'reasian]

My bf is a wonderful guy. He treats me extremeley well and genuinly loves and cares for me. He is somewhat clingy, but in a sweet way. He also discusses how he wants to get married all the time.

 

Words cannot express how appreciative I am of what a wonderful giving guy he truly is.

 

However, as horrible as it may sound...but for the past few weeks, everything about him is irritating me. I do a good job masking it, as I don't want to hurt his feelings, especially since he is such a wonderful chivalrous guy. It hurts me to even write this because I know everyone is thinking what a witch I am or how I don't deserve this because of the way I feel, but I can't help the way I feel. Believe me, I have done my best to "talk myself out of" feeling this way, but it seems to fail and ultimately gets worse as time progresses.

 

I am enjoying our time together---for now. But how do I nicely tell him I'm uncertain about a permanant future together next time he asks or intimates it?

 

Let him go and meet other 'wonderful' women....or wonder woman

[peteyj]

Well see this is exactly where you're wrong. Just because he is perfect on paper doesn't mean he is the perfect guy FOR HER. He could be the second coming of Christ, if there is no chemistry/connection between them, it's all meaningless.

 

You don't shack up with people just because they are nice or romantic. Where do the shared values and goals, emotional compatiblity, shared interests, quirks etc ,come into play? Just because a guy loves you and is equal parts Superman, George Clooney and Ghandi doesn't mean you have to love him back, you either feel it or you don't.

 

And just because she doesn't want this guy doesn't mean she wants a douchebag instead. There is a humongous middle ground, come on now.

 

Do him a favor though like everyone has been saying, don't string him along or rationalize staying with him. That would just be cruel.

I agree sometimes that spark or chemistry or emotional connection is just not there. But you don't continue a relationship knowing this and then writing on a forum asking for advice about what to do. If you don't like somebody, then move on. Anybody who continues to stay in a relationship where they know they don't like the other person in that way is somebody who probably just isn't a good person. End of story. I see this story ending badly because the OP is either going to cheat, dump the guy with no real explanation after who knows how long, or she's just going to string the guy along while cheating.

 

A person who strings another along when they know it's not working are not what I'd call a good human being.

[mclovin]

oh I am deadly serious.

 

ok mclovin, 2 choices:

 

Plan A -- dump this guy for a "real man" who won't return your calls, ignores you, cheats on you, doesn't compliment you, doesn't buy you flowers, strings you along, and generally drives you nuts over 3 or 4 years before breaking your heart. However, he is a "challenge", and you won't be irritated by his clingyness!

 

I wouldn't waste my time with someone who treated me poorly anyway. Why are you stating that it's either this guy or someone who treats me bad? Firstly, treating someone well are just the very basics of developing an actual relationship. That goes without saying. Those are behavior traits you describe is of a man who would clearly not be interested in me, therefore I wouldn't pursue a relationship with a man like that.

 

Plan B -- survery your friends and see what they think of your current BF. Tell them you are thinking of dumping him for [insert local scandalous man here]. Hopefully they will all slap you in the face, call you an idiot, and you will snap out of it, and realize you are an extremely lucky woman.

 

There are literally millions of women who could give everything they have for a nice, considerate, appreciative, romantic gentleman. Here you have one and you are ungrateful.

 

I wouldn't "give everything I had" for a man that treated me with respect. Respect comes along in all my relationships or this is no relationship. I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't call me, cheats on me or beats me...duh. It's not that I don't care for him or have an attraction to him, it's just he keeps telling me he wants a permanant commitment (marriage) and that is a big step. If I don't feel 100% with that, why would I agree to that? I'm not saying it's NEVER going to happen, but right now, I'm not sure I want "forever" with him. You can't help how you feel.

 

As is, I stand your statement -- you are a witch and don't deserve him.

 

There you go again. Listen, if you don't like my situation or what I have to say about it then why do you keep coming on here and wasting your time, socialight?

[mclovin]

Well see this is exactly where you're wrong. Just because he is perfect on paper doesn't mean he is the perfect guy FOR HER. He could be the second coming of Christ, if there is no chemistry/connection between them, it's all meaningless.

 

You don't shack up with people just because they are nice or romantic. Where do the shared values and goals, emotional compatiblity, shared interests, quirks etc ,come into play? Just because a guy loves you and is equal parts Superman, George Clooney and Ghandi doesn't mean you have to love him back, you either feel it or you don't.

 

And just because she doesn't want this guy doesn't mean she wants a douchebag instead. There is a humongous middle ground, come on now.

 

Do him a favor though like everyone has been saying, don't string him along or rationalize staying with him. That would just be cruel.

 

 

Thanks. I agree here. So many people are ready to attach you on here. Even if there is chemistry, compatibilty, attraction, respect, etc if YOU feel something is not quite right or maybe someone else would suit you better down the line, I don't see the harm in that. Not every relationship ends in marriage.

Right now, I'm just going to enjoy the fun we have together. The right time will come and I'll let the peices fall where they lye and that's just the end of it.

CASE CLOSED.

[mclovin]

Lastly, I would like to close the thread with this, as it may have come across incorrectly to many.

 

I do care for my bf. There is attraction, caring, laughter, friendship and respect on BOTH ends.

 

His kindness NEVER goes unnoticed and in return I ALWAYS show appreciation and reciprocate his favors. As mentioned in a previous thread, he is much younger than me which made me VERY uncomfortable in the first place, but since he is mature and does these favors of caring, that is what changed my mind because normally I NEVER WOULD HAVE DATED SOMEONE 8 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME---EVER.

 

I don't want to just dump him right this second. Although there are some issues, I am content for the most part, the problem is he keeps pushing the subject of marriage and at this point and time I don't want it. Out of respect for his feelings, I'm not going to be cruel and say "no way". Marriage is a big step in life. I've been married before and after getting a divorce, you must make sure you are completly happy with your choice.

 

Think of it this way people. Wouldn't it be horrible to find out the person you've been married to for 25 years was uncertain or just settled when they married you? Wouldn't you hate to discover your wife/husband always felt there was something missing or that he/she always felt someone else out there would have suited them better?