Wife left me. Thoughts?

This will be a long one, so please be kind enough to bear with me.

Today is Feb 5, 2007. On Dec 6, my wife came home from work and started telling me that her and I should go to counselling. I was surprised by this and asked what we needed to talk about. (this was the first such request) She just kept saying that she wanted someone "neutral" to talk with us. I kept saying about what? She wouldn't say.

Some background. My wife has had a hell of a year. She's 30. Her parents divorced when she was 21. She's from England and we met while we were attending the same law school in the UK. In early Nov 2005, my wife was 6 months pregnant with her second and her mom got remarried in Israel to a jewish-English guy. The mom had converted faiths. Nothing wrong with being jewish but my wife took this very hard. She went to Israel by herself (we're in Western Canada) and I stayed home with our 2.5 year old daughter. During the stay in Israel she was told that her mom had been engaged in an affair with the new husband for 15 years (well prior to her divorce) - we think that this is untrue but what a shock.

Then in Jan 2006, my son was born by an emergency c-section. My wife had a hell of a recovery (in a bad way) from this. Then our daughter went psycho for a few weeks about the new arrival. On and on. Then my wife turned 30. I threw her a very special party - wine and food pairing night, which she loved, and we flew her sis in for the party, but her turning 30 affected her.

We then had a fantastic summer - one big reason is that I'm a rugby player in the premiership (amateur) where we live and I have played every single saturday in the summer for our marriage (we were married in the summer of 1998) and this year, due to the kids, I retired and we had a whale of a time. Best summer I've had in years. Lots of travel, lots of fun, and the physicial part of our relationship was greater than it had been in many years.

For financial reasons, my wife went back to work a month earlier than planned (right after labour day). In late August, she went to Vegas with a bunch of work friends - I had no problem with this, as I often go on rugby tours and golf trips. Turns out that she kissed a co-worker for a second, which I only found out later.

Anyhow, September was awesome, lots of day trips, camping, great physicality. Canadian thanksgiving (early Oct) was equally great. We both commented on how great life was.

Then...in late October (around the 20th) a very close relative of my wife's was killed in England. She was a pedestrian, killed by a motorbike. My wife got to England within 36 hours, but was totally devestated. We had just been at this relative's b-day party in England that summer. On her return to Canada, my wife just totally snapped. (she returned early Nov). I think she had been suffering mild post partem depression at the time, which she did a bit with our first child. Anyhow, she snapped, cut me off sexually, told me she didn't want to talk about the relative's death, and stayed at work all hours (as she had just started back she had no holidays to use and had to make up the time missed while she was in England).

Anyhow, back to Dec 6. The next morning I was still asking what we needed to talk about. Don't get me wrong, I knew something wasn't right, but attributed it to her recent trauma and having to work late nights. We were very much looking forward to x-mas and all the many celebrations. We had just, days before, attending my daughter's x-mas concert, and that week, 2 days earlier, I had attended her work x-mas party and had a great time.

The morning of Dec 7, she tells me that following the relative's death, I wouldn't talk to her and because of that she started to talk to this other guy at work and now questions her feelings for him. (I had tried to talk to her but was rebuffed). That night, after work, she springs on me that we need to separate. Huh? I say. Where did that come from? I beg and beg and beg for us to go to counselling. I love this woman very very very much, and for goodness sakes, our son is not even 1 at this point, our daughter 3.5. The next night, Dec 8, she says no, she will not change her mind, so no point going to counselling. I beg some more and she ends it with "I dont want to be with you. I want to be with him". Quite the kick in the nuts. Pretty major blow. (by the way, what a weasel the guys is, I probably talked to him for 30 minutes as the work party and nary an indication of anything)

I then find out that on the night of the 6th (when she was talking counselling) the OG's wife found a text from my wife which, while not sleazy, suggested more than a friendship. Then my wife wants to separate. My head was in a fog but my wife wanted to make plans about how to live a new life. ouch.

Within a few days she was denying that she left me because of this other guy. Really, it was something she had been thinking about for some time, because I'm a prick (not precisely her words) and the OG was just the final straw. I told her b.s. but she has stuck to her guns. My thinking is that her friends weren't so excited when she told them that "she found somebody else" (actual quote).

x-mas comes and goes. I suggest that she buys a house on our same street, for the good of the kids, and she makes an offer within a few days of leaving me (!). I buy her out of our house and take on all debt etc. and essentially financially separate from her within 10 days of her leaving me (though she is in the house at that time).

We continue to email a bit and text a bit. She sends me a long email listing 16 things that I've done that caused her to leave. This is from 10 years of being together. Most were arguments. One was while drunk 18 months previously, I didnt want her to leave a party. One was that I got ticked off when she spilled paint all over our front step. Please believe me, these sorts of things were minor (to me) and I forgot about them right away.

Anyhow, fast forward. She takes possession of her new place Jan 12. Our son turned one Jan 18. My wife starts leaving me notes everywhere on how I should feed the kids, how I should bleach the sink etc. etc.. I tell her to keep her notes to herself. Her control-freakedness left with the rest of her. She tells me that she intends for us to see each other regularly, still take the kids to the zoo together and for her to keep a close relationship with my family. Basically a sort of marriage without the relationship (thats how I see it anyways).

I say no, you've left me and we won't see each other face to face more than twice a year. (at the kids' concerts) I told her we should only talk in time of emergency with the kids. (though I unfortunately break this rule often - I am weak for texting). But, since Jan 2, I have only seen her twice, despite living on the same street, when she dropped off the kids twice (we normally just pick them up from the neutral site of daycare).

I have insisted that we go as much as 4-5 days with no communication at all - based on a friend's advice of "if you love something set it free".

We had gone to a parenting counsellor and set up our custody arrangements - last week my kids started figuring out whats going on and are now upset. My daughter wants me to marry mommy and please live with mommy (asked many times).

I pointed out to my wife that she was sick and that she needed treatment. I said I miss her but without treatment, what happens when her parents' die. Does she have another emotional affair? But remember, my wife has not said she wants me back.

My wife tells me that she is having good days and bad days and after the kids were getting upset (my daughter told her that she wants daddy to shoot mommy), she has started going to counselling by herself. Not entirely sure what about and she hasn't told me.

Anyhow, now I am trying to get on with life. The OGs wife calls once in a while to talk. I talked to her twice, but she was mostly interested in figuring out what went on and when. I am not, and didn't enjoy the conversation. I feel that I am looking forward and she back, so I haven't returned her last 3 calls.

Anyhow, am I doing the right thing? Its been 2 months. Should I be looking for a new lady? Should I wait for my wife in case she decides to clear her head and come back? Should I take her back if she does?

A major fear is that I could wait months and months and she may never come back. She's definately worth waiting for, but I'm 35 and also worry that I should get on with my life.

I suggested to my wife that if there was any chance that we would get back together I would approach ongoing child care and seeing her in the flesh very differently, to which I received no response.

Anyone who actually made it through this and has thoughts, those thoughts would be appreciated.

Women about the wife's age, and past experience go through the female equivalent of a midlife crisis ~ in whereas men typically go through theirs in the thier forties.

Ref: http://www.teamtechnology.co.uk/tt/t-articl/midlife.htm

and it sounds as though the wife has a little of WAW syndrone ~

Ref: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

As a consequence of the above, she's at the very least having an emotional affair if not an actual physcial affair.

Ref: http://womensinfidelity.com/community/

There's really noting that you can do, because in your wifes' mind in order to rationalized and justify what she's doing everything that you do and don't do is going to be wrong ~ or at least not be right. Ditto with everything that you say and don't say.

You're best course of action is to move on and forward with your life as though she's never going to come back, and that all that she is anymore is the mother of your children and nothing more.

You'll be going thorugh nine pahses as you pass through all of this to the otherside:

Denial: "This can't be hapeening." During this stage you may find yourself waiting for the phone to ring, not beliving that the relationshp is actually over.

 

Solution: Acknowlege the reality and acknowledge your feelings about it. Acceept but do not dwell on shame and embarsement, and the "should/woulda/coulda's (I should have done better, I could have been nicer.)

 

The Bargaining Phase: Driving yourself crazy, thinking that "If I get my hair cut" or "If I just let him have sex more often" or "If I don't call her for a week," he/she will change their mind.

 

Solution: There's only one option ~ accept that its over. Her fault, your fault, no-one's fault. Its over

 

The Loneliness Phase: Feeling as if no one understands or cares.

 

Solution: Surrond yourself with people who do care, and who openlysay so. Remind yourself often that you are loved.

 

The Heartbreak Phase: Feeling like your heart really is breaking. You may even feel actual pain or tightness in your chest, or wnat to throw up when you think of that person or if you see your ex with someone else.

 

Solution: You can go on. Rub your hand over your heart to sooth it. If you are feeling really bad, snap your fingers, or snap a rubberband around your wrist to interupt the thoughm and fixate on something that makes you happy. Do not drive yourself crazy with thoughts that your ex is blissfully happy while you're miserable. Only your experience counts and only your efforts make you happy.

 

The Blame Phase: Pointing the finger at yourself or your ex for what each of did wrong

 

Solution: Decide that neither of you is at fault, but that both of your are responsible for the breakup

 

The Depression Phase: Feeling sad, wothless, foolish. You may have trouble eating and sleeping, and you may imagine that you'll never find anyone to love again.

 

Solution: Allow yourself to feel your pain, but do not wallow in self pity. Keep busy with exercise and progects

 

The Anger Phase: Feeling furious for being rejected.

 

Solution: Allow yourself to experience the anger, but don't exaggerate it or tack it onto all your past hurts. Don't let yourself to become bitter.

 

The Acceptance Phase: Finally believing its over. You longer expect your ex to call, and you begin to feel at peace.

 

The Healing Phase: Getting your life back. You are now ready to go out with friends and meet other people and you are no longer dwelling on the ex.

 

LETTING GO: THE 18 STEPS

 

Step 1

 

Practive though-stopping. Its normal to have recurring thoughts about your ex. ONe way to wean yourself is to decide on a specific time of day where you will give over to the thoughts of your ex for ten minutes(such as nine o'clock at night). If you find yourself obsessing at other times, force youself to "change the channel" in your brain, or pick yourself up and do someting constructive - take a walk, water the plants, clean out a closet.

 

You could try this exercise: Thinki about your ex. Now think about being in love with someone else. Now think about your ex. Now think about geting a raise at work. Now think about laughing with new friend. Now think about a pink elephant. See how you can control your thoughts?

 

Step 2

 

Recognize the quality t hat you miss in you ex and find a substitute for it. Focus on the qualities you like in your ex. Was she funny? Great in bed? A good listerner? Realize that these aren't such unusual traits - they o come along in other people, and you will encounter them more than once in your lifetime. Enjoy those qualities in other people or find other ways to enjoy them. Go to funny movies, or take up a sport yourself.

 

Step 3

 

Instead of bemoaning the end, celebrate it. In this technique, called "paradoxical intention" you wish the very opposite of what you think you prefer. Put on some music, uncork the chamagne, jump up and down and yell, "Good riddance to the bad rubbish" and then honor the time alone.

 

Step 4

 

Be your own cheerleader. Remind yourself of all the good things about you. Make a list of those qualtites and re-read the list

 

Step 5

 

Call all your friends and have them re-inflate your ego. Get your pals on the phone and ask them to remind you of all your wonderful traits. Let them take your side

 

Step 6

 

understand the stituation realistically.

 

Step 7

 

Be realistic about dating in general. Pump yourself up, but don't expect that everyone will love you

 

Step 8

 

Accept your responsibility, not as a way of blaming yourself, but to learn. Go over all the sides of the story. Was he mean, cruel, insenseitive. Blame him and then face up to the fact that you picked a man like this.

 

Step 9

 

Reaffirm that you deserve to be treated well. Remeber how you would treat a child or best friend. You would be loving, protectivr and reassuring. Treat yourself that way

 

Step 10

 

Do a relationship review. Recognize the patterns in your past relationship to prevent the same problems in the future. What type of person do you go for? What happened at every stage? Who started the relationship, who maded the decisions, what was the tone of the relationshp, (fun, sharing feelings, fighting?) what did you do together, (music, art, ideas, books, movies) who ended it? If you see a pattern that displease you - make it a point to make changes.

 

Step 11

 

Indulge in pleasure. Make a list of things that make you feel good: getting a massage, listening to music, taking a walk. Indulge in these pelasures at least one day

 

Step 12

 

Keep a sense of humor. Research has shown that laughter strengthens the immune system. On this basis seeing the lighter side of your situation is a positive step in your healing process. Imagine your ex in a silly sitation or go see a funny movie.

 

Step 13

 

Feel empopwered. Consider that you chose for the relationship to be over. Eveny if you think she dumped you, consider that your energy helped creat the outcome. Decide "I wanted it over

tis no more real or un-real than any other explanation.

 

Step 14

 

Do deeper work. Help the little child inside who is still huring from past loses. Imagine yourself as this little chld and also imagine yourself as an adult protecting this child from being hurt, holding and comforting them.

 

Step 15

 

Purge your anger. Write your ex a letter pouring our your hurt, disappointment and anger - but don't send it. That's a good way to purge your feelings

 

Step 16

 

Rebuild trust. Resist generalizing: not all men or women are alike. See each person as an individual

 

Step 17

 

Welcome your dreams. Instead of seeing your dreams as obsessions, believe that your mind is trying to work through the pain on a deeper level.

 

Step 18

 

Repair your self esteem. Just because your ex life doesn't mean that there's necessarly anything wrong with you ~ not everyone can be expected to fully appreciate the truly unique, individual that you and you alone are.

 

 

"The Complete Idiot's Guide To Dating" Second Edition by Dr. Judy Kuriansky, Alpha Books

Finally, in dealing with the wife, I would apply the following, (They're not absolutes, you can pick and choose as your situation changes:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

 

Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting

Gunny, thanks very much. Enjoyed the links. Not sure what WAW stands for but that was a good link.

Should say that the OM and his wife are working on their relationship, though I dont know and dont care about the details. They have two small kids as well. The same group as went to Vegas in August went to San Diego to see Timberlake in early Jan - this was planned many months in advance - and that drove me f-ing crazy though I managed to stay silent. My parents, who love the wife like a daughter, were terribly distressed by this trip though and started sticking their noses in (thankfully for only a few days).

The wife was insisting on calling every night that I have the kids (50% of the time) to speak to our daughter. I politely allowed the calls but asked my wife to stop calling every bloody night. They haven't stopped.

WAW stands for walk away wife.

I think sometimes affairs happen on the back end of a very emotional stressful time for a woman. This happened in my case. For the three years leading up to my affair I'd had several life altering situations happen. Then I had a hysterectomy (hormonal) and the closest person in the world to me died.

I'm not blaming my affair solely on these events but I think it put me in a place for it to happen.

Perhaps your wifes friend dying and her hormones may have pushed her to act as she might not have acted before???

Of course you cannot suggest this to her because she won't believe you. She is in the fog of the affair. Have you visited marriagebuilders??? Lots of good info there on what the fog is as well as Plan A and Plan B to save a marriage. The website is free as well.

It took a full two years after my affair for me to really come to grips with what I did...........and believe me it wasn't pretty.

I think it's time you started to move on if she won't agree to stopping contact with the OM and to get into counseling. As long as the OM is in the picture (other man) there can be no reconcilation because she'll be constantly in the fog. It's like an addiction, seriously.

As far as the calls- you need to reframe how you think of her from your wife to the mother of your children. Just let her talk to the kids- that doesn't mean you have to talk to her!!!

As far as moving on goes- I wouldn't advise dating right now. First of all it wouldn't be fair to the other person because you're in no shape to be having a relationship right now. You need to work on you and take care of yourself until you're emotionally over this- then once the divorce is final perhaps it will be time to date.

Should mention that the wife thought the trip to San Diego was just fine even though the OM was there, and I was home with the kids. As stated, I remained silent.

Thanks Mz. Pixie. Good advice.

In the event I didnt say it earlier, the OM works with the wife. So the no contact, for the moment, is impossible. From 3 days post-leaving, the affair was over, according to what I'm told, but I really don't poke my head around it too much. I dont think any reconciliation would be possible for either couple with them working together. But now, rather than an admition that anything was seriously done wrong, I get more of a "it was really nothing, just crying on his shoulder" and the real reason for leaving was that I did all these things wrong. OM's wife seems to agree with this history as being accurate, but she still feels cheated on, as do I.

The loss was an aunt who was so close she was essentially a mother-figure. I did suggest that the affair wouldn't have happened but for the death, (which is unfortunate as I was close to the relative as well) and yes, you are correct, the wife refused to believe this. Remember that the affair was the final straw, not the first straw (according to her).

You actually hilight my concern - two years is a hell of a long time before she may come to grips with everything. Again, shes worth waiting for, but yeesh.

I did read the plan A and plan B, but of course the issue is that she has not stated a desire to come back home. So that would rule out plan A. I guess plan B is the way to go. She is going to counselling, but just herself.

That WAW link was interesting. I think a fair statement of some other, non-affair related concerns.

The Women's Infidelity link will also lead youu to an e-book, (about $12 - $18) which originally posted by RoosterDAR. I believe you would find it very informative and enlightening given your current situation. As Ms.P said its probally one part midlife crisis (woman's version) + hormonal surge + Walk A Wife Syndrone combined with a combination of events in hers and your life.

In other words, just the whole sheebang ~ a through z. Trouble is in all of this she sees but one problem (You) and one solution (to separate ~ divorce.) The problem isn't you ~ she's the problem, or I should say she's the one with the problems, but she literally can't and won't see it.

 

It took a full two years after my affair for me to really come to grips with what I did...........and believe me it wasn't pretty.

 

The e-book "Women's Infidelity" goes into greater detail about the guilt-trip that a woman's infidelity causes her, and a lot of the fog speak that ensues. Like MzP said ~ its not pretty.

 

I highly recommend the book. It won't un-do anything ~ but it will give you greater understanding as to what the wife and you are currently going through, and it will help you with working from a position of knowledge, wisdom, and power ~ rather than knee jerk raw emotion.

 

Interesting point that the author makes in the book (a woman) is that you can go to virtually any bookstore and find book after book about men's infidelity but a book about women's infidelity is virtually non-exsistence, (and that is so very true) even though in modern Western societies the incidence of women cheating on the husbands, BF's is at about 40 to 45% compared to men's 50 to 55%.

 

MzP is the rare woman that even owns up to it, most women won't, not even to themselves, (it conflicts with the soceitial ~ cultural role models women are suppsose to meaure up to)

will do - thanks for the tip. Again, very helpful suggestions.

Have you contacted a Lawyer yet? Get YOURSELF taken care of, protect yourself and the children, protect any, an ALL assets that you have, do NOT let your wife take you to the cleaners over her misdeeds. Go for sole custody.

Have you contacted a Lawyer yet? Get YOURSELF taken care of, protect yourself and the children, protect any, an ALL assets that you have, do NOT let your wife take you to the cleaners over her misdeeds. Go for sole custody.

Agreed and concur.

In the United States, (realizing your in Canada) women are awarded custody 90% of the time, primarly because men don't contest this issue. However, in the 10% of the cases where they do ~ men are awarded custody 90% of the time.

So the no contact, for the moment, is impossible.

Not if she wants to work on her marriage it's not. Marriage builders states you have to do whatever it takes to get away from OM/OW- move, find a new job etc.

I get more of a "it was really nothing, just crying on his shoulder" and the real reason for leaving was that I did all these things wrong

Yeah well all cheaters say the same things. No doubt you did some things to contribute to the marriage being in the state that it was to begin with, but her choice to cheat was hers and hers alone. All cheaters try to blame the BS- it's like part of the cheaters dictionary. It makes them feel better about what they are doing. Also they rewrite the history of the entire marriage to make themselves feel better- saying such things as our marriage has been bad for 5 years or I've never loved you.

You actually hilight my concern - two years is a hell of a long time before she may come to grips with everything. Again, shes worth waiting for, but yeesh

I never reconciled with my exhusband. I'm not insisting that you wait for her for that long, just stating how long it took for me. It's different for everyone.

Take it from someone 6months into what your going through..Theres a few differences because my WAW still hasn't admitted the affair among many other things.She is not worth waiting for and you need to start taking the steps to move on now. Take this time while shes feeling guilty and PROTECT yourself and your future with your kids.My WAW gave me 50/50 shared/joint custody without a fight at all..Shes worth waiting for? She cheated on you and bailed from your marriage. She isn't worth waiting for and you deserve better...

Good advice all around. I should note that I am a lawyer (though not in family law) and when I say that I dealt with her financially within 10 days, I mean I did so legally. She's off title to my (formerly our) house, she's off all our assets, we went to a child counsellor and made an agreement for 50/50 and how to do it, payments etc.. We finished our separation agreement and signed it. All there is now is the legal fact that we are married, but no more. I must say it was tough to do this so quickly, hell I take 2 weeks to buy a tv, but some friends told me to look at myself as a client and what advice would I give myself. Just like MattN says, I was able to trade on the guilt factor. I got a stupidly low appraisal for our home etc. etc..

But I left back doors open on everything.

To answer Sup's point, in Canada its now the norm to get joint custody/access. Only in cases of alcoholism or abuse can you go for sole custody. Though the thought certainly crossed my mind.

Stampy,

I am in a very similar situation... Didn't see it coming and now the entire history of my marriage has been re-written to suit the affair. It took me a couple of weeks but I am now moving into the position of No Contact except in cases of the kids.

The advice here is great and I(we) just need to convince myself that everything is going to turnout ok as long as we keep moving forward.

Good Luck!

B

Good advice all around. I should note that I am a lawyer (though not in family law) and when I say that I dealt with her financially within 10 days, I mean I did so legally. She's off title to my (formerly our) house, she's off all our assets, we went to a child counsellor and made an agreement for 50/50 and how to do it, payments etc.. We finished our separation agreement and signed it. All there is now is the legal fact that we are married, but no more. I must say it was tough to do this so quickly, hell I take 2 weeks to buy a tv, but some friends told me to look at myself as a client and what advice would I give myself. Just like MattN says, I was able to trade on the guilt factor. I got a stupidly low appraisal for our home etc. etc..

 

But I left back doors open on everything.

 

To answer Sup's point, in Canada its now the norm to get joint custody/access. Only in cases of alcoholism or abuse can you go for sole custody. Though the thought certainly crossed my mind.

I would STILL contact a fellow Lawyer, just to make sure my BUTT's covered really good! It's possible she could get a better Lawyer than you are and nail you to the wall, take NO risks. In reguards to the abuse, try to prove Mental, verbal, and emtional abuse, heck if the women can do it, why not ride on the coattails of the laws? I STILL say go for sole, if at all possible, don't let her get them, and DON'T you pay her ANY money either, for what? Cheating on ya, please! Take this thing to the wall.

How did you get her off the title of the house you owned together? Did she agree and sign anything? I am afraid my H will do that w/o my permission. He's WAH but arrogant to stay in the house. He already hijacked all the finances and opened his own accts a month ago. Thanks.

Good luck to you. Keep us posted. I don't know how you set aside all your emotions so quickly. I am pretty amazed by your speed.

Mum: Yes she had to sign a bunch of papers, including a document specific to our province that I have registered on title which waives her right to any matrimonial interest in my (formerly our) house. She needed the money that I paid her for her interest in our house to buy a townhouse down the street, so I ensured that she had signed everything possible before I handed over the money. Interestingly, I've never signed those documents for her townhouse so I have a matrimonial interest in it!

I don't consider myself too quick to set aside emotions. It occurs to me that this is simply the way that guys deal with these things. Shut down mode. But don't get me wrong, I snap back now and then. I miss her.

Someone directed me (Gunny I think) to the http://www.womensinfidelity.com website. I was reading the four stages of women's breakdown and thinking it didn't apply to my situation. Primarily because of my wife's renewed physical interest following her 30th b-day. I though this was because she turned 30 (cougar) and after our second kid she didn't go back on the pill. But now I must say that I see that this could be because even back then she was looking outside the marriage. Kind of a strange concept, but if I'm honest, fits my situation. I dont think she was straying at that point, but that would fit in with the "four stages". And by the time she left me she definately thought she had found her sole mate.

It stinks to be on the other side. At least you are financially independent. Get yourself into counseling and take it one day at a time. Does she want 50/50 custody? I am sure your kids need her so I wouldn't make a fuss if she wants to share the time. Just a thought b/c you can get wrapped up in an emotional battle with her. Just think of kids needs first.

Mum: Yes she had to sign a bunch of papers, including a document specific to our province that I have registered on title which waives her right to any matrimonial interest in my (formerly our) house. She needed the money that I paid her for her interest in our house to buy a townhouse down the street, so I ensured that she had signed everything possible before I handed over the money. Interestingly, I've never signed those documents for her townhouse so I have a matrimonial interest in it!

 

I don't consider myself too quick to set aside emotions. It occurs to me that this is simply the way that guys deal with these things. Shut down mode. But don't get me wrong, I snap back now and then. I miss her.

 

Someone directed me (Gunny I think) to the www.womensinfidelity.com website. I was reading the four stages of women's breakdown and thinking it didn't apply to my situation. Primarily because of my wife's renewed physical interest following her 30th b-day. I though this was because she turned 30 (cougar) and after our second kid she didn't go back on the pill. But now I must say that I see that this could be because even back then she was looking outside the marriage. Kind of a strange concept, but if I'm honest, fits my situation. I dont think she was straying at that point, but that would fit in with the "four stages". And by the time she left me she definately thought she had found her sole mate.

Have you thought to get a DNA test on your children? To make sure they are yours, I KNOW you have thought about that one.

yes, hard thought to have, but I did have it. Fortunately my son (youngest) inherited a medical issue (minor) that I have. My daughter looks like me. Still, the thought crosses my mind.

Mum: forgot to answer your Q. We had gone to a child counsellor and we have already arrived at a parenting plan, about a week after she left. Its a revolving 2-2-3 so that this week I had M & T and then have F, S and S and then it reverses next week - I just get W & T. Easy enough and better for our very young children, but I sure as hell thought about going for sole custody. I wouldnt get it and it wouldnt be right for the kids.

Sup: Again, this crosses my mind, though there were no signs 20 months ago (when last child was conceived). The OM that caused my wife to leave is Sikh and my wife and I are as white as ghosts and so are the kids. OM's kids have lots of pigment. Still, it crosses my mind. If it werent for the inherited medical condition, I would have done the test already. Terrible to think that way, but realistic.

Anyhow, update. My wife and I were texting on the weekend. I was trying to get a tatoo. I'm slightly modifying myself, though nothing crazy. Got rid of a chain I've worn since I was 16, slightly different jewelry and thought I need a tatoo. Anyhow, it slipped out that I miss her quite a bit. Admittedly I was texting from a bar and had two beers under my tongue by that point.

So Tues, I get an email from her saying she feels for me that I miss her and she would like to comfort me and its okay to call her any time (I haven't called her at work or her new home even once since separation). I said no - I will only contact her in times of emergency with the kids. Anyhow, I told her that I shouldn't be bothering her as she has her own demons to assess. I told her that shes not in any place to assess those demons at the present time. She asked what I thought her demons are. I said, not my place to say, but I sent her the WAW link and womensinfidelity links and said she should read them for her own benefit. You can imagine what her reaction was. My final comment was that when she is ready to assess her demons she should read the links as they will help. No response.

I had to see her Weds (yesterday) for just the third time in over a month because our son has pink eye and needed to stay home from daycare. It was her day so she picked him up from my place so she could stay home from work and care for him. Our daughter went to daycare. Anyhow, when she came in the house, she had to wait a couple of minutes for our daughter to get something from her room. So, I left her by the front door with our son and disappeared - I went into the kitchen to make myself busy. Well, damned if she didnt follow me into the kitchen!!! She came in to ask me something about our daughter. I didnt say anything and she then went back to stand by the door. But I must say this felt like a violation. Sure this used to be her place too, but not any more.

Anyhow, my big concern was that there are friends of ours from England in town. They had scheduled a ski trip to spend with us - scheduled before my wife left me. The female was one of my wife's university roommates and the male is her husband. I'm certainly friendly with this couple and have been for years, but really its my wife's old roommate and her husband. Anyhow, they insisted that I see them and spend a day skiing with them. I figured that this was a token effort to be nice to me given the current situation - they are very nice people. I was really nervous about seeing the female, who I have known well for 12 years, and who I assume has been told by my wife that she left me because I'm a bad husband and jerk. Anyhow, I must say that I had a great time - lots of good skiing and I managed to ski a lot with the female (no, not that much!!!) and took her on some challenging runs. It was great and my personal issues (separation) were not raised even once. It was truly an enjoyable day with old friends. And the beers after were fantastic. We were debating and arguing the stupid things you do (politics, sports etc.) when you have beers. What a great couple.

I was bothered that my wife is spending the weekend with them (as we were both supposed to do originally) and the girls are going to a spa together etc.. But now that I had such a great day out, I dont feel any jealousy. Not sure why, but I feel at peace with it. Dont get me wrong - I'm realistic. I wont be close friends with these two in the future, as they will stay friends with my wife, which will rule me out of the picture, but it was a fun day.

yes, hard thought to have, but I did have it. Fortunately my son (youngest) inherited a medical issue (minor) that I have. My daughter looks like me. Still, the thought crosses my mind.

I don't know what your condition is, I don't wanna know, but as a final question, and believe when I tell you that I'm not trying to cause doubt here, but to help in making sure that you don't get messed over here, Is there any possibility that OM may have that same condition? The skin complextion and appearance IS a good sign, from what you mentioned.

Glad you are in good spirits. It is weird to see friends right now. They either know her side of the story or yours. I have to say that I did not hesitate to tell people my side. I was blindsided by the D (got my papers today) but he told me back in Nov. I kept quiet till mid-Jan when he had announced to his office after I confronted OW in his EA (?PA) crap.

I know most of his friends won't really care. You know where the loyalties are at this time. But I am not going to stand on the sidelines.

I too sent him links this wkend iabout EA (emotional affairs). Of course, no response.

Well, you did right by the kids custody. They need their mom too. What kind of tatoo did you get? I would like a dragon on the small of my back. But I am too chicken to see all that needle drilling on Inked.

Sup - I guess anything's possible. Rare minor cardiovascular thing that clears up when you're a kid (it already cleared up in my son). Been thinking about this a bit and one thing that gives me comfort is that if you have kids you know its quite hard to have them - 2 days a month. Anyhow, both my kids were planned and we worked out the timing, did the job, and she got preggers right away. But I will continue to mull this over and havent ruled out sending off his hair and my hair. Its only $99 I think.

Mum: Ive always wanted a maple leaf on my left pec. Why not now? Also thinking of a roman numeral two on my right bicep (2 kids). I like the roman numeral 7 on Beckham's right arm (thats his soccer #).

As to the friends, the strange thing after all this came crashing down was that the wife totally avoided talking to her friends. The ones here and the ones back in England. Eventually one of her old English friends called my house, before the wife had moved out, she was looking for the wife and I called her back just to say that the wife probably wouldnt get the message and she should call her at work (this was another old friend that of course I'm friends with). Anyhow, this gal said she would do that but my wife wasn't returning her calls, or anyone's calls for that matter. So I told her what happened. I tried to be fair in my description. I also am very good friends with the husband of one of my wife's other English friends, so he knows the score. Anyhow, my side of the story got out straight away.

The wife emailed me once and texted me once yesterday and am proud to say that I didnt reply to either. They were both just passing comments on the kids that didnt require a response. One on tickling my son's feet and one on our daughter napping at daycare. Mind you I still havent received the Dobson book that I ordered (someone referred it to me) so I dont know if this NC on my part is the way to go - at least to the extent that I am doing it.