Invitation to Married Men

I can't believe I am doing this. I think I am just asking for trouble here. But it seems all these ladies here need to have some kind of answers from the MM himself.

We all argue back and forth about what MM think. We can't know possibly know what runs through their heads. And since MM are few and far between on this forum, this is an open invitation for Married Men to post their thoughts and feelings about their Marriages and Affairs.

I know you are out there reading MM so come talk to us pretty please. You can post as guest if you want. Just give us some kind of answers as to your thoughts and motives in the affair. We promise to put on our thick skins and not take it personally. Right ladies?

And please keep it civil everyone. Please don't bash the MM that come to tell their side.

I am going to start with the next post from a MM that posted awhile back. I hope he doesn't mind, and I hope he comes back. His post just really stuck in my mind when I read it.

This is ManAlive (are you out there lurking MA? come back!) some will remember him. I was going to resurrect the thread but it was long and full of negative stuff.

13th July 2006, 7:25 AM

I’ve been lurking here as a guest for some time; a work colleague who is getting married is forever on here so I came in one day to see why she was never doing any work. I wasn’t going to register, I’ve just been reading posts relevant to my situation. But I have to comment on a few things.

I came here hoping to get some insight into the female brain for my situation, but it seems that women are just as clueless about men. So here, if you want it, is the perspective of the MM.

First of all let me tell you one crucial thing about men – we are always amazed that any woman agrees to sleep with us. We are always grateful that you are the small percentage that doesn’t turn us down when we come onto you. Don’t dismiss that thought, because for every successful relationship a man has, 20 women have probably said “No thanks”. As a woman, that might be hard for you to understand because as a rule you don’t do the chasing. But men get used to rejection. As a MM this is even more so, because despite what people think, most women will not entertain the idea of sleeping with a MM. So any acceptance we get from someone who will is unusual.

So with that in mind, it follows that any woman who does sleep with us (unless she is completely awful) we are going to want to hang onto her, so we can continue to get laid.

Got that?

Right. In my marriage, like in most, we had a bit of a dip after our second child was born. My W was tired and the “honeymoon” period was over. It was just a dip though, and I knew the deep love I had for my W was the result of a shared history, she had seen me at my best and worst and I wasn’t going anywhere.

But I missed the slowing down of sex while the kids were young. We still had sex, but not as often.

When I met the OW, she at first wasn’t interested but we got to talking about the little problems I was having in my marriage. I never told her about the good stuff, because when you are upset about something you’re not thinking about that. I noticed that the more I exaggerated what my wife was like, the more affectionate she became, so I carried on. I said some really awful things about my W, things I am ashamed to repeat here. Eventually we started an affair. Finally I was getting the amount of sex I wanted, and I didn’t want that to end.

After a while, she went from being cool about everything to getting more and more upset whenever I mentioned my W, kids etc. Over a period of about six months, she went from only being in it for fun like I was, to seeming more intense. To get to the sex, we had to go through a lot of talking about our feelings etc.

And frankly, I wanted to get to the sex part, so I told her stuff I shouldn’t have. She would get upset and wonder if I had feelings for her, so I told her that I loved her. She wondered how I could love two people, so I told her that my marriage was over, it was just a loveless arrangement now for the sake of the kids. She asked me if I still slept with my wife. Hell, I may be dumb, but I know the answer to that one.

And when I had held her and stroked her hair, told her how much she meant to me, she had sex with me. Mission accomplished. Not necessarily the same day, sometimes she just wanted to know I wanted her for herself. But sex was a big part of our relationship because otherwise what’s the point?

As time went on, I got the feeling that she would stop seeing me if I didn’t leave my wife. See my point above – no man wants to lose the sex he’s getting and will do pretty much anything to hang onto it. So I told her what she wanted to hear, and pretty convincingly too. I discovered that most women will think you are amazing for saying you can’t do that to your kids. They will tell you that they couldn’t be with someone who didn’t care that much for the kids anyway. Oh, and the major thing I told her was when she asked me who I would choose if I had to make a choice – of course I told OW that I would choose her.

So anyway, a few white lies and she’s agreeing to wait a few years (by which time I hoped I’d have thought of something else), and we’re back to having sex.

Eventually, through a mutual “friend”, my W finds out and is distraught. She knew we were going through a not so good time, but unlike me she also knew we would get through it and was prepared to grit her teeth through the not so good times.

When my W found out, my world crumbled. I had to face things I hadn’t wanted to face. I had told myself that what my W didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her and didn’t let myself think about the fact I might lose her. Suddenly, all the problems we had been having disappeared, and I saw only the woman who had pledged her life to me, borne my children, held my head when I was sick, made me my favourite sandwiches for lunch. And I had hurt her desperately. And all for someone who was little more than a regular lay for me. Sure I was fond of the OW, but what I felt for her was nothing compared to what my W and our history meant. It took the shock of my W finding out for me to realise that fully.

There was no way I was going to leave my W for someone who knew me so little. OW thought she knew me, but that knowledge was based on all the hair-stroking gentle kisses sweet-talk. It was false, to stop her breaking up with me.

When I told the OW I was staying with my W, the crap hit the fan and she went hysterical for a while. I’d told my W what I now knew to be the truth – that the OW was just sex and affection. But the OW was threatening to spill the beans on what I had told her. And I had told her those things, but I didn’t want my W to believe they were true, because they weren’t. I did not want to hurt the OW by saying they were all lies, because I didn’t want to mess her up for life. OK, so this is where I become a real bastard. So I met up with the OW one final time, and yes we had sex. I’m not proud of that, but it was a part of convincing her what I told her. I cried and said how much I loved her and wanted her and that my W was holding the kids and the house over my head. I said that I had decided to sacrifice our happiness together and hoped she would understand. Of course she did, because I piled on the flattery tearfully. I held her and buried my face in her neck and she even said I was shaking at one point. She told me she understood and that she would always love me if I changed my mind.

I drove away, breathed a huge sigh of relief and went back to my beautiful wife. I cannot now believe my stupidity – that I was willing to risk it all for some woman who I had never spent long periods of time with. The occasional night, one weekend, but apart from that just snatches of time here and there. That isn’t a real relationship. My OW believed we were soulmates, and I used to tell her I agreed. She wasn’t my soulmate. My soulmate is the woman who is there waiting for me every night. The OW and I never got over that honeymoon period (how can you when you don’t share all your life with someone) and as I now know, it’s once that period is over that the real love starts.

So why do wives take back cheating partners? I don’t know, but thank god they do. Because otherwise I’d be stuck with someone I’d started off lying to, trying to find a way to get my wife back.

Sorry if this all makes me sound cold, I just wanted to state a few hard facts. Because I was that man who whispered love and devotion and promises. I don’t kid myself that anyone is going to apply this to their situation (you’ll tell yourself that your MM is different and he means what he says), but hopefully it might hit home with someone and you’ll stop yourself being hurt before he does it for you. If I could turn back time, I would. Three hurting people would not now be in pain.

I would like to see some MM give us some explanations.

I am just glad I never gave in sexually to mine. My emotions were more than he deserved.

Although I now can see where we were headed.

That was a great post, now I have to go find it.

Wow. I bet he got roasted.

But, unfortunately, what he said is what a lot of MM feel AFTER the A is over. Once they see the hurt that they cause their Ws, they run home to fix whatever is fixable.

At least he didn't insult the OW, though.

But' date=' unfortunately, what he said is what a lot of MM feel AFTER the A is over. Once they see the hurt that they cause their Ws, they run home to fix whatever is fixable.[/quote']

 

 

That is why I made the thread. In the hopes that "all kinds" of MM would participate. I don't want to see canned responses. I want them to show us all, OW, ExOW, BW.... just plain women... what is going through their heads, before, during and after the affair. I know they don't feel safe here, MM get bashed all over the OM/OW forum, but maybe they can be safe enough in this thread to show us their side of the story. Or maybe I am just dreaming.

Honestly? I want to take that whole post and send it to the exMM and say SEE??!!! THAT'S what I was saying all along!!! Everything you denied, THAT is really what you were going through!!! Why, goddammit, why did you not say so??

WHY did you have to bring up LOVE, my blue eyes, all that crap? Really? I am a VERY pragmatic person. I could have taken it for what it was.

But NO..that was not good enough for you. You needed me to be in LOVE with you. to ADORE you.

Well, it backfired. You pushed me not just away, but so far away that I can't even look at you. All I can say is, I hope that whatever it is you got out of me "loving" you was worth it...

Good luck to you.....

Just need to ego boost to make the move to leave.

In my situation I planned on leaving, we had even set a date. I am 85% sure i would have stuck to it, but Im not sure I would have gone through with the divorce if it hadnt been for OW.

Even as just a friend she was the boost I needed to know that I deserved and could do better.

I kind of feel strange in this setting because in some ways I dont see mine as an affair in the classic sense yet I know it was.

To Bonehead:

So did you go through with the separation and are you with the other woman? Sorry your post was a little unclear...

IF so what was it about the OW that helped you make the decision to go through with leaving? Oh and if you don't mind me asking what was it that was missing in your marriage that you felt the OW made you feel you could have better of?

Yes I went through with the seperation and divorce.

My divorce has been final for almost 2 years. As far as OW, her H had a business that went under about a year before I seperated from my ex. At the time of my seperation they were sitting on almost $60000 worth of debt. She wouldnt/ couldnt leave with that over her head.

That was cleared just a couple weeks ago. Infact it was her actions just after that that lead me to this board. she got really distant for a while and left me a little confused.

Long story short, she has left her husband, has filed for divorce. Am I WITH her? She is still my best friend, which she was even before my divorce. We are still talking about a long term relationship, even making plans for her and her kids to move in with me and mine down the road, but right now she is taking a much needed stress break.

What was it about her that made me stick to leaving? Where do I start??

Even before she told me how she felt I knew I had a friend in her that was 1 in a million. She was very supportive in alot of things that I do. Didnt look down on me for my faults.

There were two big reasons I hadnt stuck to leaving plans prior

1) My ex had me convinced that no one else would want me. I mean who in their right mind would take on a guy with 2 teenage boys that he was VERY active with?? What woman would put up with a guy and his kids taking off to go 1000 miles to go dirt biking?? What woman would REALLY put up with my line of work??

2) My kids. I have always been the one involved with them. Years ago my ex even made the comment to me that I needed to stop having so much fun with them and stop having them so active. I didnt want to lose out on that.

My MW got me to believe that I was a decent guy and that there are woman out there who would LOVE how involved I am with my kids. She is also the one who got me to fight for shared custody. Turned out to be the best thing I did because I actually ended up with FULL custody.

bonehead, thanks for posting this.

Reading this board you would think that all MM were only out for what they can get, disregarding everyone but themselves, and lying to all and sundry to achieve that. That simily isn't true.

I hope your contribution won't be overlooked as everyone continues to bash the stereotypical, faceless 'lying MM', but I won't get my hopes up.

Sorry but reading that post from ManAlive made me feel

I'd love this to be stickied. Not necessarily here, of course, but somewhere that every woman that's been cheated on could read.

V enlightening thread and ManAlive's post definitely made me think! Would be good to hear from MM who were in more of an EA as I am assuming their motives are somewhat different?

V enlightening thread and ManAlive's post definitely made me think! Would be good to hear from MM who were in more of an EA as I am assuming their motives are somewhat different?

Not really that different, just a different level. Mine was strictly what people here seem to call an "emotional affair", in that there was zero sex, and very little touching involved. Mostly it was e-mail.

The woman was supposedly a "friend", and that was how I viewed it for a long time. But one thing I found is that e-mail contains no reality. Pretty soon I was investing in her the things that had been lacking recently in my marriage. The other woman was nice to me while my wife was deeply involved in so many other things. I never had any intention of leaving my wife, I just wanted to be the focus of a woman for awhile and get the strokes that I'd been missing until my wife got around to re-focusing on me.

I would say anything I need to say to get her (the OW) to believe. To keep her focused on me.

I want them to show us all, OW, ExOW, BW.... just plain women... what is going through their heads, before, during and after the affair.

I am, however, a little reluctant in sharing that with you in fear that you'll use it to your advantage to pray on the vulnerables.....lol!!

sadly so many MM seem to throw the OW right under a bus when the affair is found out..I remember manalives post vividly...wonder why he only made 2 posts..Hmmm

Not really that different, just a different level. Mine was strictly what people here seem to call an "emotional affair", in that there was zero sex, and very little touching involved. Mostly it was e-mail.

 

The woman was supposedly a "friend", and that was how I viewed it for a long time. But one thing I found is that e-mail contains no reality. Pretty soon I was investing in her the things that had been lacking recently in my marriage. The other woman was nice to me while my wife was deeply involved in so many other things. I never had any intention of leaving my wife, I just wanted to be the focus of a woman for awhile and get the strokes that I'd been missing until my wife got around to re-focusing on me.

 

I would say anything I need to say to get her (the OW) to believe. To keep her focused on me.[/quote]

 

In the back of my mind, I knew that's what my exMM was doing too but didn't want to face it.

 

Having you put it out here in b&W makes me sick to my stomach and pissed off all over again.

 

But hey, as long as your marriage is better, who cares whose head you mess with, right?

 

:mad:

So many times I read this MM speak and think to myself..that it applies to me! " I am a cake woman! "

I talked way way more crap than my MM did to me..I wonder in my own situation who really was the bad guy/or gal here?

I dunno, I have to wonder but men and women are more alike on many things than we realise.

Yes I went through with the seperation and divorce.

 

My divorce has been final for almost 2 years. As far as OW, her H had a business that went under about a year before I seperated from my ex. At the time of my seperation they were sitting on almost $60000 worth of debt. She wouldnt/ couldnt leave with that over her head.

 

That was cleared just a couple weeks ago. Infact it was her actions just after that that lead me to this board. she got really distant for a while and left me a little confused.

 

Long story short, she has left her husband, has filed for divorce. Am I WITH her? She is still my best friend, which she was even before my divorce. We are still talking about a long term relationship, even making plans for her and her kids to move in with me and mine down the road, but right now she is taking a much needed stress break.

 

What was it about her that made me stick to leaving? Where do I start??

 

Even before she told me how she felt I knew I had a friend in her that was 1 in a million. She was very supportive in alot of things that I do. Didnt look down on me for my faults.

 

There were two big reasons I hadnt stuck to leaving plans prior

 

1) My ex had me convinced that no one else would want me. I mean who in their right mind would take on a guy with 2 teenage boys that he was VERY active with?? What woman would put up with a guy and his kids taking off to go 1000 miles to go dirt biking?? What woman would REALLY put up with my line of work??

 

2) My kids. I have always been the one involved with them. Years ago my ex even made the comment to me that I needed to stop having so much fun with them and stop having them so active. I didnt want to lose out on that.

 

My MW got me to believe that I was a decent guy and that there are woman out there who would LOVE how involved I am with my kids. She is also the one who got me to fight for shared custody. Turned out to be the best thing I did because I actually ended up with FULL custody.

Bone I like your posting, it seems that MMs have the same doubts and fears as OW. My affair has also helped me get out of a bad marriage. My MM is still trying to fix his unfixable marriage. Now a question to you, Why a man who supposely is trying to fix his marriage would tell his w he was really in love with his OW ?

But hey, as long as your marriage is better, who cares whose head you mess with, right?

Atleast he's being honest now. The question was posed for MM to answer, and the guy did. It may not have been what you wanted to hear though, but asking a loaded question like the OP did, expect anything.

Atleast he's being honest now. The question was posed for MM to answer, and the guy did. It may not have been what you wanted to hear though, but asking a loaded question like the OP did, expect anything.

Right. And I was honest in my response to him. Shouldn't the MM who posts expect anything also?

They're so relieved that the W didn't leave them, it doesn't occur to at least say here that they felt bad for manipulating the OW for their own selfish needs.

Once it all comes out, she's a piece of sh*t to him. I can understand why he needs to make the W think that but for Christ's sake, at least act like you feel bad for messing with someone's head and heart.

it doesn't occur to at least say here that they felt bad for manipulating the OW for their own selfish needs.

But if a MM doesn't feel bad for doing what he did, why should he say it here? Just to appease some people? Don't get me wrong, I think people who hurt others, on purpose or not, need to be aware that once it's pointed out to them, they need to correct it.

Who knows, maybe the MM reading/writing posts here will open their eyes abit and see things differently because of all your (and the OW here) responses.

Right. And I was honest in my response to him. Shouldn't the MM who posts expect anything also?

Yup, you're right.

I'm still trying to get over the fact that something that was so major to one person was just a means to an end for the other.

I may be guilty of a lot of things, but never of telling someone I love them and not at all meaning it.

Lesson learned. A very hard lesson.

Thanks Diva for your post and Man alive if your out there, thank you also for your honesty.

This is the first time I have ever heard the truth about this type of situation from the MM....it's very refreshing

I kinda thought Man Alive was really 'Woman Alive' I must be the denial stage..