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Maybe a classic OW post, but... do I wait?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 27th February 2019, 5:51 PM   #46
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Neither of these men is a healthy choice for you.

I think at best, your married man will line you up to be the next mother and child he moves away from and sees only once every two months.

Do you see the pattern here? Both of your men hit and run.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:04 PM   #47
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Neither of these men is a healthy choice for you.

I think at best, your married man will line you up to be the next mother and child he moves away from and sees only once every two months.

Do you see the pattern here? Both of your men hit and run.
He really thought his wife was coming initially... her deciding not to bc relationship not great, she had good reasons to want to stay on West Coast etc, is not unlike my husband and me.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:07 PM   #48
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I agree. When someone starts spouting words about divorce, itís a death blow to the marriage. I had a friend who would tell me about how she and her husband would get into these huge fights (it happened about every 6 mos) and one or both of them would threaten divorce. I told her that saying those words to your partner is extremely damaging and they should never be said unless you intend to follow thru with it. Needless to say, the couple divorced. When I pointed out to her that they had those fights about every six months, she swore that they didnít. Her husband ended up cheating on her.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:09 PM   #49
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He really thought his wife was coming initially... her deciding not to bc relationship not great, she had good reasons to want to stay on West Coast etc, is not unlike my husband and me.
With all due respect, I hope you do understand that youíre hearing HIS version of the story. Thatís the danger in dealing with a MM. You have no idea what is truth and what is fiction. And they are VERY good liars.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:14 PM   #50
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With all due respect, I hope you do understand that you’re hearing HIS version of the story. That’s the danger in dealing with a MM. You have no idea what is truth and what is fiction. And they are VERY good liars.
Agree, but the true part is that they hardly ever see each other.
I think the most important part of this isn’t the MM, but rather determining if my husband and I just have such a flawed marriage that there’s no way it could work anyhow. I know there never really was passion, he admits himself he’ll work 100% of time if left to himself, and he’s now really messing things up by refusing to stay in the place where I already moved for him & either uprooting my life & making me give up my hard to find job and stability with having a baby on the way, or making us long distance for 5 years. And I know I’ll always have to move to follow HIM my whole life even though he makes almost no $.

The good parts were that he is sweet, gentle, no temper, generally tried to make me happy- example, scheduling a few hours for an activity I wanted on a weekend, instead of just working. Loyal, trustworthy.

I would just have to give up on ever having passion, great sex, a person who genuinely or spontaneously wants to spend much time w me over working.

Last edited by Gb83; 27th February 2019 at 6:27 PM..
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:35 PM   #51
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why the heck am I in the wrong for even considering being involved w other guys?

Because you are married.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:37 PM   #52
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Ok, so letting ink dry on some piece of separation paper changes a personís heart? Am I supposed to go around saying my husband wants to be with me after telling me many times weíre getting a divorce because weíre ďmarriedĒ?
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:44 PM   #53
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Thatís the problem though. You donít really know why MM and his wife are long distance. Maybe heís verbally abusive, maybe heís a chronic cheater. Either way, his wife not wanting to be with him doesnít speak well for him as a husband. Thereís usually something very wrong to cause a woman to leave her husband when she has a child with him. Most just wonít do it. Look at you - youíd prefer not to leave your husband but heís basically driving you out the door.

And, please, do not walk away from a great job into an insecure life. You have the big pieces worked out - youíre able to take care of yourself and your child. This is what keeps your problem from being a complete disaster. Hang on to the good things you have created for yourself.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:46 PM   #54
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Ok, so letting ink dry on some piece of separation paper changes a personís heart? Am I supposed to go around saying my husband wants to be with me after telling me many times weíre getting a divorce because weíre ďmarriedĒ?
The piece of paper does mean something but your husband has pissed away this marriage and probably wonít lose any sleep over it. It makes no diff in that sense whether youíre with someone else or not. If my spouse blew me off in such a way, it would be all bets off.
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Old 27th February 2019, 6:58 PM   #55
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I agree with others that you are right to divorce and I hate to tell you this but it seems like your husband doesn't love you. I definitely think you should stop all contact with MM or any man since you are pregnant and preparing for a divorce. Even if you see another man they are going to want sex and I'm sure you don't want to go there while you're pregnant. Plus you have a lot ahead of you, your whole life is going to change and you need to prepare.
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Old 27th February 2019, 7:17 PM   #56
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I agree with others that you are right to divorce. I definitely think you should stop all contact with MM or any man since you are pregnant and preparing for a divorce. Plus you have a lot ahead of you, your whole life is going to change and you need to prepare.
Very good advice, but it seems OP is intent on doing whatever is required (affair) to enable her to stay in a bad marriage or monkey branching from one relationship to another. There is no mention in her posts of any other options...
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Old 27th February 2019, 8:50 PM   #57
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Very good advice, but it seems OP is intent on doing whatever is required (affair) to enable her to stay in a bad marriage or monkey branching from one relationship to another. There is no mention in her posts of any other options...
I know what youíre saying. The MM gives me a lot of companionship and friendship and frankly, oddly, more attention generally than my husband ever did. Consistently. Including support w issues w the baby (I felt he had a more caring reaction to the issue the other day than my husband, who made some obligatory response over text then immediately changed subject to get me to help w his work). This keeps me from feeling lonely. Without that, with everything Iím going through now, itíd be so hard. Hard enough that Iíd say I should just stay w my husband because at least Iíll see him SOMEtimes and get SOME amount of companionship and support. He isnít the absolute worst
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:03 PM   #58
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I know what you’re saying. The MM gives me a lot of companionship and friendship and frankly, oddly, more attention generally than my husband ever did. Consistently. Including support w issues w the baby (I felt he had a more caring reaction to the issue the other day than my husband, who made some obligatory response over text then immediately changed subject to get me to help w his work). This keeps me from feeling lonely. Without that, with everything I’m going through now, it’d be so hard. Hard enough that I’d say I should just stay w my husband because at least I’ll see him SOMEtimes and get SOME amount of companionship and support. He isn’t the absolute worst
You have known this MM for two months. I have food older than that in my fridge. This “relationship” is little more than infatuation at this point. It’s not likely to go the distance.

Personally, I think your marriage is done. I’m just not sure you are ready to admit that yourself yet. Because, you are not prepared to do the hard thing and file for divorce and live on your own.

You don’t see life as a single mother as a viable option right now. Which is why, it seems to me, that you are choosing between two equally poor options - staying in a bad marriage or jumping from one bad relationship into another unproven, and potentially very bad relationship.

Just my two cents...
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:23 PM   #59
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You have known this MM for two months. I have food older than that in my fridge. This ďrelationshipĒ is little more than infatuation at this point. Itís not likely to go the distance.

Personally, I think your marriage is done. Iím just not sure you are ready to admit that yourself yet. Because, you are not prepared to do the hard thing and file for divorce and live on your own.

You donít see life as a single mother as a viable option right now. Which is why, it seems to me, that you are choosing between two equally poor options - staying in a bad marriage or jumping from one bad relationship into another unproven, and potentially very bad relationship.

Just my two cents...
That is what Iím doing. Even though my husband IMO acts very childish, and I canít be attracted to him or truly respect him, I am trying to focus upon the good qualities that caused me to feel it was good enough to settle down in first place.
I get what youíre saying about MM but I am not comparing him to my husband or any other guy from infatuation stage in past - I never felt half this excited or strongly about my connection with my husband at ANY point including ďinfatuation stage.Ē That is what has stricken and confused me so much. Example: my husband would cancel plans on account of work he wanted to do right from the beginning sometimes, then I wouldnít hear from him for days & days. MM will have to cancel hanging out but want to call me ASAP that day if canít physically meet up
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Old 27th February 2019, 9:27 PM   #60
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Iím not going to lie, this would totally creep me out. You love the attention he threw your way because we are starved for attention from your husband. In other words, you were vulnerable and he exploited that. He absolutely love bombed you and in the ďdatingĒ world, that is a HUGE RED FLAG. Men like this tend to come on strong, and either completely mess with you or leave one day, totally unannounced. Be warned.

I would also be really concerned about the judgment of a man who tells a woman he barely knows that he will essentially raise another manís child. Most men donít do this - they would have no interest in another manís husband when that woman is carrying the other manís child.

This whole situation actually sends chills down my spine. Be very, very careful with this guy. I canít tell you what a mistake I think this is for you.

Not saying that you should stay married to the man if you really donít love him. But, if you donít want to be married then file for divorce. Donít jump from the pot into the frying pan with another man. And, why the heck did you get pregnant if you are so desperately unhappy in your marriage?

If I was your husband, I would be FURIOUS that you would even be entertaining thoughts of another man, while pregnant with my child.
All of this.
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