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Maybe a classic OW post, but... do I wait?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 14th March 2019, 11:07 PM   #151
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Are you truly as clueless as you are coming off? How could you possibly believe your husband would change his mind about divorce while you are continuing an affair? Does that really make logical sense to you?

Reading this is like watching a bad horror movie, you're moving in slow motion and everyone is yelling at you to not go in there.

Good luck, you will need it.
I could end the affair tomorrow and my husband and I wouldn’t have a chance at a lasting happy marriage. He has admitted he is a workaholic and doesn’t need to spend nearly as much time w me as I with him. There’s no passion or good sex life, ever. every time we talk now, he is far more concerned with me not being willing to move for him (again) to this faraway city w a million good reasons for me/the baby not to go there, than w anything else. When he could have just as good of a career elsewhere. That comes first, before anything, in his mind.
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Old 14th March 2019, 11:16 PM   #152
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every time we talk now, he is far more concerned with me not being willing to move for him (again) to this faraway city w a million good reasons for me/the baby not to go there, than w anything else. When he could have just as good of a career elsewhere. That comes first, before anything, in his mind.
Well, at least you know exactly what his priorities are so that you can make your decisions accordingly.
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Old 15th March 2019, 11:04 PM   #153
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Sometimes I would still rather just settle for what he offers to me/family no matter how little, just want to avoid the ugliness of divorce.
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Old 15th March 2019, 11:28 PM   #154
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Sometimes I would still rather just settle for what he offers to me/family no matter how little, just want to avoid the ugliness of divorce.
That is certainly your choice, assuming your husband doesn’t decide that he wants more at some point and files for divorce.
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Old 15th March 2019, 11:29 PM   #155
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Do I really need a spark, good sex life, or someone who wants to spend more time together/ doesn’t want to “work” on a scattered array of multiple projects constantly? If I can just accept life mostly independent then I can save myself turmoil. He’s not the worst ever, he is just immature without a firm grasp on reality and hard to feel attracted to (in addition to his lack of openness or trying w sex life).
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Old 16th March 2019, 12:24 AM   #156
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In a way I hate to say this, but going through life unfulfilled is something you're probably going to regret on your deathbed.
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Old 16th March 2019, 12:46 AM   #157
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Sometimes I would still rather just settle for what he offers to me/family no matter how little, just want to avoid the ugliness of divorce.
I felt the same way and that led to 10 wasted years by the end of which I wished I'd die because it would be better than being alone in a marriage and feeling like the walking dead. I fell in love with my AP who made me feel alive for the first time in forever, an AP who broke my heart because despite his promises to leave his wife somehow never could. Don't wait until you're in your 50s and you've wasted the best years of your life unfulfilled, unloved and barely existing.
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Old 16th March 2019, 12:54 AM   #158
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Sorry for what you went through. Maybe I’m Confusing two problems- just because relying on a MM to leave his wife is very unwise doesn’t mean I simultaneously should stay married to my husband either.
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Old 16th March 2019, 3:29 AM   #159
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Do I really need a spark, good sex life, or someone who wants to spend more time together/ doesn’t want to “work” on a scattered array of multiple projects constantly? If I can just accept life mostly independent then I can save myself turmoil. He’s not the worst ever, he is just immature without a firm grasp on reality and hard to feel attracted to (in addition to his lack of openness or trying w sex life).
You know, this is a question you need to ask yourself. What do you want out of life? It's not a matter of a list of things that he checks out of, or not. But marriage is a partnership and so is parenting. If you are going to stay in a marriage and be independent, do your own things, raise your own kid, romance yourself, spend time with yourself, support yourself etc then honestly what role does your husband even play and what do you even need a marriage for?

I can see why your husband is happy with status quo because he has the most to lose out of a divorce. He now has someone to clean up after him, pays his bills, clean his house, water his plants and look after/raise his kids. Honestly, he doesn't need a wife, he just needs a maid.

Another thing to consider also is if you are intending on not divorcing as a long term solution, can you live like that for the rest of your life? It may not hit you now, but what kind of father figure influence will he have on your child? If you decide to divorce later, you'll also need to consider how it's going to affect your child. Now that you are pregnant, your decisions will no longer just be about you.

Last edited by assertives; 16th March 2019 at 3:40 AM..
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Old 16th March 2019, 10:50 AM   #160
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Op, from your postings, it seems that you are willing to let go of your marriage if there is someone waiting for you to latch onto. This MM is not the solution to your problems.
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Old 16th March 2019, 8:46 PM   #161
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Do I really need a spark, good sex life, or someone who wants to spend more time together/ doesn’t want to “work” on a scattered array of multiple projects constantly? If I can just accept life mostly independent then I can save myself turmoil. He’s not the worst ever, he is just immature without a firm grasp on reality and hard to feel attracted to (in addition to his lack of openness or trying w sex life).
My answer would be a definite no.

I would rather be single forever, raise my child as a single mother, working two jobs iI had too, with no friends and family support, on a deserted island, with no running water and only coconut to eat. Got the picture.

Not if he was the absolute last man on earth - would I ever chose to stay in a relationship with a man who ignores me, is unaffectionate, and who I don’t respect. I have more self respect than that.

But, that’s just me...
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Old 16th March 2019, 8:48 PM   #162
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Op, from your postings, it seems that you are willing to let go of your marriage if there is someone waiting for you to latch onto.
Agreed. And, that is really too bad...
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Old 16th March 2019, 9:12 PM   #163
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Is everyone missing the Part where he wants to divorce? Why all this talk as if she has the option of staying married? Maybe it seems unusual but men do file for and initiate divorce.

He doesn't give her attention and affection because he wants out. It's not up to her at this point to stay married.
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Old 17th March 2019, 7:24 PM   #164
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DKT3, you're right BUT it seems like he's not in a good position to D. It appears he relies on her financially to fund his attempts at making his dreams come true. From what I gather, he's trying to be a startup millionaire but with no luck so far.

It seems like he's in a weak position. May not stop him though eventually. He sounds possibly a bit self-deluded?

OP, FYI I'm not trying to bash. Correct me if any of that was wrong.
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