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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 4th January 2018, 8:08 PM   #16
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The reality is, it's just a simple decision. To end contact.

When you are ready, you will make the decision. But, don't think of it as "all hope is gone." In fact, it is the best thing you can do... To cut this deadbeat from your life. It actually makes you available to meet someone else who will treat you the way you should be treated... And that, is the very definition of hope - to find everything you want in your life.

You know this guy is not it. Let him go.
Yes. It's a simple decision for sure. Difficult to execute when something so powerful seems to be stopping you. It's so very hard to explain. I know I will look back at this and wonder what was so difficult about it and be grateful that I was finally finished with him. But right now it seems impossible. I know it's not ACTUALLY impossible. It just feels that way.

I know I deserve more. I know I have to end this. I can't even trust anything he says or does...even if we got back together I would never trust it or him. Ever. And I will waste years on it. I already have.
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:12 PM   #17
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Yes. It's a simple decision for sure. Difficult to execute when something so powerful seems to be stopping you. It's so very hard to explain. I know I will look back at this and wonder what was so difficult about it and be grateful that I was finally finished with him. But right now it seems impossible. I know it's not ACTUALLY impossible. It just feels that way.

I know I deserve more. I know I have to end this. I can't even trust anything he says or does...even if we got back together I would never trust it or him. Ever. And I will waste years on it. I already have.
What would it take for you to leave the situation and end contact? What do you need to happen to help you to make the decision?
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:19 PM   #18
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What would it take for you to leave the situation and end contact? What do you need to happen to help you to make the decision?
Honestly, I'm not sure. I keep asking myself that. I told myself that if he hadn't left by end of January (after the "holidays" were long gone), I would walk away. But I don't know if I would adhere to that. I keep asking him questions and say to myself "if he answers with this response (whatever I've made up in my head to mean that he will stay with her or that things are better there), I'll walk away" but he always says the right thing.

Today I asked him if he'd been talking to her about about working on things. He said "I'm tired of talking. Her words mean nothing to me now. It's all about action". I said "I have been telling myself the very same thing". He said "???"

sigh. And then I just stopped talking for a few hours.
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:24 PM   #19
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I just read this in another thread:

"Even when we understand our current path is no longer beneficial or no longer makes us happy, we must still overcome the natural urge to stay on the path unless the alternative is sufficiently attractive. In order for us to readily pursue an alternate path, we must believe that the alternative is clearly superior to the current state of affairs."

I guess the alternative of being alone, potentially forever (as I see it in my own head), is not sufficiently attractive as hearing from him and hearing him say things about me/us that make me feel good (for the moment).

What would I say to him if I send a message to end it? I feel like I would be more likely to tell him to not contact me unless he's left her than saying never contact me again. I think it's that harsh message that is one of the things that is stopping me...
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:38 PM   #20
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They treat you how you let them

Just wanted to put a different perspective on this idea that "men" will see how low they can go, and do as much as they can get away with, and only give respect if you demand it. Sorry, but this is BS. Yes, the responsibility is on us as individuals to continue including people in our lives or not who don't respect us whether friends, family or SO. However, people either treat others with respect or they don't. OP, I think this is what you need to consider. He is inherently lacking in character in several ways. Not just confused or having temporary lapses in judgement. Even if he were with you, that would be a change in external circumstances not internal character. Being with you does not equate to respect or returning your dignity to you. Why would you want to be with someone who was able to treat anyone (ie you) this way in the first place. Yes respect yourself, but also look for someone who respects you because that's who they are, not because you have to demand it.
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:43 PM   #21
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This is very simple CrushingHope. She is to him what he is to you.

For whatever reason(s) he wants to be with her but their relationship is unsatisfactory, so, yes, it is miserable to live with her. He's very likely telling you the truth about that. That said, he's willing to put up with anything just to be with her. Who knows? She may even have someone she prefers to him who is stringing her along and she may be using your bf or exbf, whatever, as her backup plan.

He is hanging on to her until she leaves him. If she ever does, then he may be yours.

Do you really want to be a part of this dysfunction for possibly years on end?
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:49 PM   #22
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More on respect

As a quick anecdote, had several dates with a "nice" guy. Chemistry , chivalry, etc until he referred to a female colleague as a c**t. I was taken aback, addressed it. He said "but I'd never call you that". So I guess he saw it wasn't cool with me, maybe would "respect" me in that regard but imo this guy doesn't respect women much in general to use that language so casually in the early dating stages so how much could he ever truly respect me?

Think more about what you value. And much as I don't like to admit it, dkt3 is right, do different, please.
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:59 PM   #23
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This is very simple CrushingHope. She is to him what he is to you.

For whatever reason(s) he wants to be with her but their relationship is unsatisfactory, so, yes, it is miserable to live with her. He's very likely telling you the truth about that. That said, he's willing to put up with anything just to be with her. Who knows? She may even have someone she prefers to him who is stringing her along and she may be using your bf or exbf, whatever, as her backup plan.

He is hanging on to her until she leaves him. If she ever does, then he may be yours.

Do you really want to be a part of this dysfunction for possibly years on end?
Yes. I think you're onto something here. I do believe when he says things are miserable there...from what I've heard about her in previous relationships on top of the things he's told me.

And I also do think about whether he's waiting for her to kick him out. He said he couldn't enjoy the holidays because he kept "waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan" which I thought was odd since if HE was going to leave HER, wouldn't he be the one controlling the sh*t?? So it makes me very confused. I also thought maybe he tries to make things difficult to that she does kick him out so he can have a break, come to me for awhile, and go back when/if she "changes her mind" (which she always did with her late husband and I'm guessing is a pattern). I have heard about this pattern in abusive, toxic relationships where one person has a person on the side who makes them feel good and strong and able to handle the crap that the abuser is giving.

I guess I have this imaginary idea that things would be different with me because they definitely were not like that.
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:01 PM   #24
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As a quick anecdote, had several dates with a "nice" guy. Chemistry , chivalry, etc until he referred to a female colleague as a c**t. I was taken aback, addressed it. He said "but I'd never call you that". So I guess he saw it wasn't cool with me, maybe would "respect" me in that regard but imo this guy doesn't respect women much in general to use that language so casually in the early dating stages so how much could he ever truly respect me?

Think more about what you value. And much as I don't like to admit it, dkt3 is right, do different, please.
Yes, that's what he called this woman too. And he was so angry about this woman. And the way he's talked about his ex-wife and his ex-family in law...was terrible, terrible. His ex-parents in law allowed him to live in an apartment they owned (the one downstairs from me) for cheap rent when he had decided to leave this woman (one of the many times) and he ended up not paying rent for 6 months and then tried to sue them when they asked him to move out.

I know, I'm not making him sound any better...
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:29 PM   #25
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Yes, that's what he called this woman too. And he was so angry about this woman. And the way he's talked about his ex-wife and his ex-family in law...was terrible, terrible. His ex-parents in law allowed him to live in an apartment they owned (the one downstairs from me) for cheap rent when he had decided to leave this woman (one of the many times) and he ended up not paying rent for 6 months and then tried to sue them when they asked him to move out.

I know, I'm not making him sound any better...
No, you are definitely not.

Do you have a history of attracting abusive/unhealthy men and relationships?
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:32 PM   #26
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Yes, that's what he called this woman too. And he was so angry about this woman. And the way he's talked about his ex-wife and his ex-family in law...was terrible, terrible. His ex-parents in law allowed him to live in an apartment they owned (the one downstairs from me) for cheap rent when he had decided to leave this woman (one of the many times) and he ended up not paying rent for 6 months and then tried to sue them when they asked him to move out.

I know, I'm not making him sound any better...
Oh, my! Did he tell you all of that?
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:35 PM   #27
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What would I say to him if I send a message to end it? I feel like I would be more likely to tell him to not contact me unless he's left her than saying never contact me again.
Well, you could send him a message that says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think this will work out. I will not be in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with another woman. I wish you all the best."

But, you want to leave your options open... If you chose to stay on this merry-go-round, that is your decision. I think it will get awfully dizzy and be awfully painful for you, waiting around and watching him bounce back and forth between you. But, if that's what you want to do...

I think you would get more love and loyalty if you get a dog!
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:39 PM   #28
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No, you are definitely not.

Do you have a history of attracting abusive/unhealthy men and relationships?
My very first long-term boyfriend was wishy-washy when it came to what he wanted with us. He would definitely handle his uncertainties poorly but ending things without telling me etc. And would always come back and I would always take him back. Until finally I realized that I had the power to end it and if I didn't, it would go on forever. And I did end it. And then I had a very loving good boyfriend for many years. Things fizzled with us eventually. And I walked away from that. Since him, I have dated a string of some very nice guys, and others who didn't know what they wanted.

So...maybe I do have a history of making the wrong choices when it comes to men, but certainly none have had this kind of effect on me.

Clearly, I don't value myself enough. I already know that. I just don't know how to fix it.
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:43 PM   #29
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Oh, my! Did he tell you all of that?
He told me some but I witnessed the rest since he was living downstairs. And then when he got kicked out (he was actually mad because it meant he had to move back in with this woman which he wasn't ready for), their daughter (his ex wife) moved in downstairs and she would tell me what was going on. It was honestly a mess. He lost the case and then appealed it like 4 times before trying to bring it to Provincial Court which he then lost again and tried to appeal AGAIN but was going to cost him 10K so he had no choice. Meanwhile, his 17 year old son lived with him downstairs and was basically ignored while he spent his time at her house. None of it makes any sense at all. Such a mess.

When I say the details like this, it makes me feel even more pathetic.
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:44 PM   #30
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Well, you could send him a message that says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think this will work out. I will not be in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with another woman. I wish you all the best."

But, you want to leave your options open... If you chose to stay on this merry-go-round, that is your decision. I think it will get awfully dizzy and be awfully painful for you, waiting around and watching him bounce back and forth between you. But, if that's what you want to do...

I think you would get more love and loyalty if you get a dog!
LOL I would love to get a dog. I do have a lovely cat who gives me all kinds of affection.

Yes, I guess I'm guilty of wanting to keep the options open. But I also know that I will feel worse when/if I get a text from him that says "I can't do this anymore. The guilt is killing me" or whatever bs he will spew. So I know I need to be the one to do it.
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