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Am I being played?

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 3rd October 2017, 9:25 AM   #16
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So here's an update.. I think I received all the information I needed at this point...

I talked to her yesterday during lunch about our status and if she truly wanted to be with me. I kept getting responses like "I think so" and "I hope so" but nothing really absolute. Obviously, that is somewhat of a red flag. She got emotional thinking about the situation so the conversation ended.

I followed up with her after work and again, she got emotional and even lashed out a little. This was basically what was said..

-She feels horrible for everything and doesn't want to just give up on her family.
-She also feels that by leaving she is destroying her family.
-She doesn't want to have to deal with the bf for years to come because she believes he is going to be difficult.
-She doesn't want her son to be messed up from the situation and having to shuffle him back and forth, custody, etc.

At that point, I had realized what was happening. I left and later that night we were texting each other. I told her that I still loved her and she also said she loved me as well. She also said that she does still want to be with me "for the most part" but at this point, I doubt I can take any of that seriously.

I still haven't figured out how I'm going to start pulling back yet but I know it's what I need to do now. There is no future here and I'm an idiot for ever believing there was.

I appreciate all of the input from those who posted. It may not be what I want to hear but it's definitely what I needed to hear. Thank you!
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Old 3rd October 2017, 9:40 AM   #17
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You know what you need to know. Time to move onon and not be her plaything.
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 4th October 2017, 11:12 AM   #18
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She wants some fun outside of her current relationship, and that's it.

I'm sorry you are hurting.
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Old 4th October 2017, 3:17 PM   #19
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Thank you! It does suck, not going to lie. Just when I started to feel on top of the world (mostly because I believed it would work out) I'm right back in that hole again.

I mean don't get me wrong.. if she just wants to have fun.. she could of just said that. There was no reason to make all these plans, talk about wanting to be with me, etc. I just don't get why that was necessary unless she actually did believe in it too and just crumbled in the end when she thought about what she actually needed to do. I suppose at this point it doesn't matter.

I haven't initiated NC yet.. haven't worked up the strength to do so. I am well aware, the longer I wait, the more I just hurt myself.
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Old 5th October 2017, 10:21 AM   #20
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A little song by Paul Simon might help ó 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover. Just break up with her, no excuses, and go NC.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:31 PM   #21
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That won't be necessary at this point. She's been breaking down pretty bad.. she hasn't cut off contact but it's obvious this is over. I really don't need to do much on my end other than move on.

She told me today that she does love me and she does want to be with me but doesn't want to deal with court and custody over her child, a pissed off boyfriend for however long.. so it's pretty much done.

Like so many others, I got screwed. Amazing how we fool ourselves into believing it was actually going to work out.
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Old 20th October 2017, 7:20 AM   #22
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Take her at her word. Sounds like she does have feelings for you and she does want to be with you. Treasure that. But in her current situation she has too much to lose in being with you...
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Old 20th October 2017, 6:26 PM   #23
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She probably got a new OM she is interested in.
Just say'n
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Old 20th October 2017, 7:39 PM   #24
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I think you should be celebrating the fact that the insanity is over.

YOu need to free yourself from the drama and get right away from this woman.

Do you not think it's awful that she would take her child to meet her lover?

Is she really what you would like in a woman?

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Old 8th December 2017, 5:55 PM   #25
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So a lot has happened since I last posted on here... some good, some bad... Here we go.

The affair didn't end based on my last post. In fact, she started to really accept the idea that she wanted to be with me and that we would be happy together. This is where it started to get complicated...

First, we aimed for the end of October. The problem is that when it finally came down for her to act, she buckled and said she wasn't ready. As you can imagine, I was very hurt by this. Regardless, I continued to see her and said "I understand"

Second, we aimed for the end of November. That somewhat then turned into well lets aim for the end of the year. She would tell me all the time how much she loved me and how badly she wanted to be with me. The things she would say made me feel amazing inside. Here's where it all goes wrong for me...

These past few weeks I started to get anxiety that she wouldn't follow through on her word. I was scared that putting my feelings out there would only lead to me getting hurt like I did previously. Well, it turned into me questioning her multiple times in a week and just recently, almost daily. I was having a hard time sleeping, concentrating, eating, drinking excessively and it all led to the current situation. We haven't been getting along very well lately mainly due to my behavior. While we are still seeing each other, she said that she needs time to think about her leaving to be with me because of how I've been acting. I realized that my behavior has been ridiculous and I was letting this consume me and have decided to seek counseling. I will be setting up the appointment next week.

Now, she could of cut me off after our last argument but she didn't. She still tells me she loves me but now the end of the year time frame seems to be out the window. I used to have that to look forward to and it was amazing up until I started freaking out and not trusting her. She said it was my lack of trust in her that she was also concerned about but let's be real here, she let me down in the past and that does hurt credibility. Sadly she doesn't see it like that.

I don't really know what I should do if I continue to see her at this point. We were so close, within weeks of her sticking to her promise to be with me and now that seems to be gone. I know she loves me and wants to keep seeing me but how long do I subject myself to just being the other guy at this point? Her and her current bf are fighting a lot and he walked out twice already but obviously came home the next day so things are not going well on their end. I realize I'm probably out of my mind for sticking with this but like a lot of people, I do love her and it's hard to just let go.
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Old 8th December 2017, 11:14 PM   #26
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So how many years of your life you are willing to waste on all of this?
She didnít leave in October, didnít leave in November, wonít leave in December (and made you at fault).

Yes, youíre bring played by this heartless calculating woman.
She doesnít love either you or her partner, thats why she canít leave either of you alone - neither one fully meets her needs, whatever they are.

You need to stand up for yourself and walk away.
There is nothing to save here.
Break it off and live your life.
When she is free and available, she knows where to find you.
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Old 9th December 2017, 12:48 PM   #27
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I'm really feeling for you, so I want to tell you where I'm coming from in hopes I can get through to you.

I was young, in a bad marriage, and had two kids (6 and 1 year old), with no education and no job skills. I met a man, fell in love, and left my marriage within 12 weeks. I told my exH that I was divorcing him, we came to an agreement on sharing custody, I filed the papers, we went to one court date where the divorce was finalized and the custody agreement formalized, and it was done. A few weeks after the divorce was final, I married the man I love. Today marks 15 years since we married and 18 years since we became a couple.

If she wanted to leave her relationship and be with you, she would. What she's doing is called future faking.
I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
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Old 9th December 2017, 2:45 PM   #28
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I was a MW when I met my EXAP at work. We became friends, and during that time his ex of 5 years left him for another man. He was a mess, emotionally. My marriage was in bad shape and we went from friends to confiding in eachother to emotional affair. My son was 5 at the time. My EXAP wanted to be with me and I did love him, but I was scared to break up my family, take my son away from him home, share custody. My husband wasn't abusive or a bad man, I loved him, we just weren't good together. I didn't want to hurt him either.

So I stayed, and he met someone else and eventually married her. Our affair continued the whole time.

I left my husband two years later, he was already engaged to her. I don't regret leaving my marriage. I left for me, not him. Now he's married and I'm divorced and he still wants to continue on. We haven't spoken in a few weeks because I told him I can't do this anymore. I want to see other people and date. I'm so over the mental exhaustion of this affair.

My point is this, she may love you, but she isn't ready to leave. She will keep prolonging it as long as you wait around. She wasn't going to leave the beginning of he year. She used your behavior as an excuse to push it back again.

You need to let her go and move on. You need to heal yourself. You left one relationship and when right into the next because you are scared to be alone.

You don't want to meet someone else, care for them, but still be in love with her.

Move on, love is great but without action it's just words
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Old 9th December 2017, 3:51 PM   #29
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The anxiety that you are feeling is your mind and your body trying to tell you that this is wrong, wrong, wrong... It is a warning, heed the warning.

Continuing on this path will only cause you more anxiety, stress, sleepless nights, and pain. She is simply not ready to leave her relationship.

When somebody shows you who they really are or tells you that they are not ready for a relationship... it is important to believe them. If you chose not to acknowledge the reality of the situation, you do so at your own peril.
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Old 10th December 2017, 2:22 AM   #30
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If she hasn't left by now, it isn't going to happen.

I am told it happens fairly quickly if it is an exit affair.

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