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I'm addicted to women and need to hold myself accountable.


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 30th January 2019, 5:18 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
"When you see an attractive woman, do you immediately think about having sex with her?"
I'd guess the lizard part of my brain has those thoughts, just as it wonders what it would be like to steal every expensive Italian sports car I see or rob every bank I walk by.

However, much like loversquarrel, I stopped letting my libido control me long ago.

CantGetEnuff, I'll tell you up front, I don't believe in the vast majority of cases of claimed sex addiction. I do believe in narcissism, selfishness, lack of empathy, low self-esteem and toxic neediness.

You need honesty so your wife knows what she's dealing with and IC, in that order...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 30th January 2019, 5:19 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
Are you a guy? I ask because I checked your profile and it doesn't say. I also ask because I specifically asked for men's opinions on my question as I'm seriously trying to figure out if I'm a huge outlier or if most other dudes have similar thoughts but just police themselves better?

See the thing is I don't TRY to disrespect women. Like I said, it's just automatic in my brain. If I see a hot woman, bang, I want to sleep with her. It's how my brain works. I then have to "talk myself down" out of the situation. That's when I start getting rational again. But it's a constant struggle.

I'm not sure if you were joking or not about my childhood, but it was pretty normal, had a fair number of girlfriends in high school and college. I admit I always had a "grass is greener" view, and that I'd get bored of someone pretty quickly.
Seek professional help.

You have evidence that what youíve been trying to do hasnít helped.


Seriously? Would it matter if Iím a guy or a gal? Your disrespect for women runs deep. Find out where that came from. You learned it as ďacceptableĒ at some point.

Time to unlearn what youíve learned.


Iíd bet money your emotional bond with your wife is zilch.

Think for a minute how your wife must feel.
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Old 30th January 2019, 5:20 PM   #18
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Wow I am still surprised by all the responses.

I have to focus on work the rest of the afternoon but I will check in tomorrow morning and hopefully start a streak of good days.
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Old 30th January 2019, 7:10 PM   #19
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https://www.sa.org/meetings/

find a chapter in your area. this might be a good start for you while you look for a therapist.
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Old 30th January 2019, 7:28 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
Please, please PLEASE don't do the " I;m waiting until my kids are gone and then so am I" nonsense. That's incredibly cruel. While your spouse is planning to grow old with you, you're planning to leave.
And, you’ve made the life she has lived, the life she thought she built with you, a total lie. That’s the most unkind thing you could do to another person.

As to your earlier question, a man may meet an attractive woman and wonder what it wouldn’t be to have sex with that woman. The difference is - most men have the self control not to act on that thought. There is a big difference between having the thought go through your mind, and making the decision to betray your life partner.
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Last edited by BaileyB; 30th January 2019 at 7:30 PM..
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Old 30th January 2019, 8:28 PM   #21
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My IC is a man and he always discusses this dynamic in men that most men think this way. The difference is that mature and healthy men don't act out on these thoughts and desires.


Quote:
I dont believe you truly understand the damage this will do to your wife. This information will render her entire life with you as a lie. You will instantly become a stranger to her.
I agree with the above. It's unfortunate that you have kept this secret from your wife. I'm sure she can feel the emptiness I know I did. But what the info did do for me was give me all the missing pieces that I had been feeling all those years.
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Old 30th January 2019, 9:58 PM   #22
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I always wonder if the grass is greener and itís cost me a few relatiships, Iíve cheated and Iíve also got caught but I donít have kids so itís different oh and Iím not married. I mean it wrong either way


I donít think you should tell your wife just seek help and maybe you can take therapy and tell your wife itís for work stress

I have a questions? Are you attracted to your wife ? Is she a good wife ? Do you feel like she values you ?

To answer your questions
I look at girls but no I donít think about pounding them
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Old 30th January 2019, 10:32 PM   #23
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I don’t think you should tell your wife just seek help and maybe you can take therapy and tell your wife it’s for work stress
Purepony, wouldn't you want to know? If you were in a LTR and your GF had cheated multiple times both online and IRL, wouldn't you think you deserve the truth?

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Old 31st January 2019, 1:37 AM   #24
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All these years go by... have you ever worked on having some form of self control?
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Old 31st January 2019, 9:45 AM   #25
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"Good" Day #0:

Okay, here I go. My plan today is:

1) Keep my phone tucked away in a desk drawer.
2) Focus on work with laser intensity.
3) Check in here whenever I get an urge to check out the apps/chat sites/etc.

I would actually be better off leaving my phone in my car, but my wife texts me a lot, so I can't do that.

To answer a few of the things people mentioned yesterday,

1) Yes, I care about my wife. She's pretty awesome; that's why I married her. I guess I have always been able to separate out love and desire.

2) I can't rock the boat right now with SA meetings or counseling. We have a pretty set schedule these days and honestly things have been good at home. I would have to start weaving in lies over the course of weeks and maybe months, making up stuff about work stress, to get the the point where I would say I need to go to counseling. I am tired of making up stories.

3) I just want to focus on moving forward. If I can drop the bad habits, there's nothing to stop us from having a good life. I just want to take it a day at a time first and build new patterns into my daily routine.

added: And I feel a bit better after reading the posts from other guys confirming that they also have immediate sexual thoughts when they see hot women. At least that part of me isn't an outlier. I just need to focus on my behavior and impulse control.

Last edited by CantGetEnuff; 31st January 2019 at 9:51 AM..
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Old 31st January 2019, 9:57 AM   #26
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Where is your concern for your wife and family in all of this?

Does she not deserve to know that her entire life with you is a lie? That you've been lying to and cheating on her effectively your entire marriage? Do you think it is fair to her to be kept in the dark and lied to still?
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Old 31st January 2019, 10:07 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
But one addiction just led to another. For the past few years, it's been all about apps, adult chat rooms, all sorts of online connections with women.
CantGetEnuff,

If you treat it as an addiction, then you will get proper professional help for it...if and when you are ready.

Certainly, using the good people at this forum for support can be a small aid, but it is far less than what you truly need to overcome a full-on addiction,
and perhaps addictive personality/psychology, as well.

Even if right now it doesn't feel like 'sex addiction', support groups and counselors specializing in that area will probably have the most experience and expertise of the type that is likely to
offer you the highest potential for breaking-through and overcoming.

Wishing you the best.
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Old 31st January 2019, 10:08 AM   #28
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I'm not going to blow up our marriage.

And I have taken the critical comments as well as I can, and I guess they are to be expected, but I just ask that people PLEASE try to offer SOME supportive comments if you can.

I am trying to be accountable. No one forced me to come here. This thread is the tool I'm trying to use to break bad habits and start better ones. If anyone is inclined to offer me encouragement with this endeavor, I would greatly appreciate that.
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Old 31st January 2019, 10:24 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
Where is your concern for your wife and family in all of this?

Does she not deserve to know that her entire life with you is a lie? That you've been lying to and cheating on her effectively your entire marriage? Do you think it is fair to her to be kept in the dark and lied to still?
But....but...being honest with her doesn't benefit him. And sadly, this is the All About HIM Show.

Quote:
I am trying to be accountable.
No you're not. You're still lying to your wife's face every single day, and you're self-diagnosing when you have NO CLUE if you're a 'sex addict' or not, and you absolutely refuse to seek the professional help you need because covering your hide is much more important to you than being honest and bringing about positive change.

So no, you're NOT being accountable at all. Anonymously posting on a message board isn't being accountable to anyone.
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Old 31st January 2019, 11:15 AM   #30
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op,
If you choose to view your behvaior as an addiction, then use the model of being addicted to alcohol as a comparison.

Someone who is an alcoholic may be able to just up and quit, but without support and understanding why they chose to drink in the first place, there is every chance they will relapse.7


Ask yourself the following questions, and please read them through before answering.


(a) Why when I see/meet an attractive woman, it ramps up from 1 to 100 so much of the time? Like I said before, there is such a difference between admiring and appreciating a woman for her appearance or "hotness", but it's another to act on it. I don't like my neighbor, as he is a total boor and such a jerk. I think about how satisfying it would feel to kick his rear, but I don't do it. Why do you feel so compelled to act?

(b) Why are you willing to risk blowing your marriage up and hurting your wife by cheating on her? Why are you willing to put her mental/physical health at risk? You may be happy in your marriage, you may be unhappy or maybe you're just bored. Why does that have to equate to sleeping around? Do you not value her enough, simply as a human being, to not do that to her?


(c) Are you sure it's really the sex, or is it the risk, if you know what I mean. The excitement of knowing you could get caught and the risk of it all ( I personally would find that really upsetting, but some like it)


(d) Does this behavior ramp up if you are feeling rejected for some reason? Doe sit boost your sense of self esteem or power when you feel somewhat powerless in another area of your life?

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting to have sex with attractive women. That's 100 percent normal. What isn't normal is acting on it with the blase attitude you say you've had in the past. Where do you think that comes from?

As I said in another reply, it could just be that you aren't cut out for monogamy. Not everyone is. They simply adore "the chase" too much.

Before you go all out seeking a remedy for your situation, I would advise you to do some soul searching. Is staying married really what you want? If your answer is "100 percent yes" ( and not "yes...for now") then you either need to get a handle on this and accept that, if it is an addiction, it will be a demon you'll have to face for the rest of your married life. Either that, or bite the bullet, be honest with your wife and ask for an open marriage. You never know, she might agree. The thing about that though, is from what I understand, it can really only work when there is 100 percent honesty. Affairs, hidden one night stands or hook ups would be verboten.

Actually, think about that. Like I said, is part of the thrill for you that it's hidden?
(sorry this was so long)
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