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Husband is having an affair and I feel like the world is over


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 27th February 2018, 4:08 PM   #31
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According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasn’t been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, he’s been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

I’m not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. I’m embarrassed that I’m Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something I’ve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...
Dev,

This is such a common and understandable way to feel, but it is really faulty thinking. Your brain is betraying you by sending you this message. If anyone is "not enough" it is your husband. He's not enough of a good husband to resist the ego boost most men would find tempting, regardless of how amazing their wife at home is. This was about your husband and his ego getting stroked, and that's all it was about. I know it's hard for you to believe and feel right now, but this just has nothing to do with you and your worth at all.
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Old 27th February 2018, 4:45 PM   #32
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Cheating isn't caused by failures of the betrayed, it is caused by moral failings of the cheater.

I have cheated, I know. There are ALWAYS other other options besides being a selfish lying jerk and cheating.

Get Linda MacDonald's guide to infidelity. This is is going to be the guide for HIM to try to make this up to you.

HE IS THE FAILURE here. He is the one that needs to be ashamed. He is the one without morals or self control. He is the one who has let you, your family, and his reputation down.

He should be on his knees begging you for forgiveness.

Begging!
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Sorry for all of the typos! On a cell phone that thinks it is smarter than me
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Old 27th February 2018, 5:11 PM   #33
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Cheating isn't caused by failures of the betrayed, it is caused by moral failings of the cheater.

I have cheated, I know. There are ALWAYS other other options besides being a selfish lying jerk and cheating.

Get Linda MacDonald's guide to infidelity. This is is going to be the guide for HIM to try to make this up to you.

HE IS THE FAILURE here. He is the one that needs to be ashamed. He is the one without morals or self control. He is the one who has let you, your family, and his reputation down.

He should be on his knees begging you for forgiveness.

Begging!
I agree. I too have cheated, and none of it was her fault. There is nothing she could have done differently to change it. He didnít do it because he thought she was better. He did it because she was different.
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Old 27th February 2018, 5:14 PM   #34
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According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasnít been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, heís been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

Iím not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. Iím embarrassed that Iím Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something Iíve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...
WS's do not have affair because their BS is lacking. The defect is in
the WS
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Old 27th February 2018, 5:35 PM   #35
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I agree. I too have cheated, and none of it was her fault. There is nothing she could have done differently to change it. He didnít do it because he thought she was better. He did it because she was different.
Yes, this. And all humans are susceptible to the temptation if the offer is presented to them. He was curious and isn't strong enough to have resisted the temptation of something different. It sounds like he actually has discovered it definitely was NOT better.
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Old 27th February 2018, 6:03 PM   #36
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Yes, this. And all humans are susceptible to the temptation if the offer is presented to them. He was curious and isn't strong enough to have resisted the temptation of something different. It sounds like he actually has discovered it definitely was NOT better.
As with most things, it normally doesnít take long to realize the grass usually isnít greener.

I do think one partner can do, or not do, things that will lead someone to cheating. But that doesnít sound like the case here.
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Old 27th February 2018, 8:24 PM   #37
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Hey,

I was like you are. My husband was so smart, handsome, loving.... I tried so hard to be perfect, to listen, to share, to give.... After seven years of me thinking the sun shined out his ass he cheated on me.

I had given him sex DAILY, home cooked meal (nearly daily)... He did need to hunt for his clean laundry because I would often neglect foulding the laundry... (My bad!)

I was adventurous in the bedroom, he likes BDSM, I don't love it but i would do it for him...

When i found out that he wanted to divorce me I had just had a baby, a baby he CHOSE to have with me while he was dreaming of a day when he could divorce me. Because i was so terrible, boring, and well I had gotten old to him.

When I found out I was a mother of three young sons under the age of SIX, had not been employed for about 6 years at the time and had no real good work prospects....I was qualified to work at SUBWAY....that was about it.

Look, when I found out I tore into myself. I too wanted to commit suicide, so i laid out a plan for six months. It gave me something tangible... Committing suicide was my desperate action to get control again. Maybe a do over life! But what my plan gave me was control. I planned my death for far enough out that it would hopefully give me peace. What i ended up doing was by the time six months had passed I wanted to live. I wanted to not have his affair define the last and final act in life. I WANTED MY LIFE FOR ME!

You and me, we were codependent on our spouse to give us value.... When my husband cheated he devalued my worth! But I found in those six months that it wasn't true. I needed to value myself without him.

My advice for you is this, first get a counselor (in the end this may give you some peace even if you follow through)
Give yourself time, (time to think this through) give yourself 6 mts, or a year... But in that time work on bringing yourself up! Don't want to be a tortured spirit in the next life right?

You may find that you have done the work on yourself and that you are strong!

I personally hope you can try to pull yourself from your husband right now and find your feet without him....

but only you can decide what your next actions are.
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Old 27th February 2018, 10:58 PM   #38
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All three of my boys have been being so affectionate to me. My seventeen year old has been hugging me and telling me he loves me and my fourteen year old keeps want to put his arm around me. Since they hit their teens they stopped loving on me like my little one does. So I donít know if theyíve noticed something has happened or what, but itís making me feel a little better.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:19 PM   #39
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All three of my boys have been being so affectionate to me. My seventeen year old has been hugging me and telling me he loves me and my fourteen year old keeps want to put his arm around me. Since they hit their teens they stopped loving on me like my little one does. So I donít know if theyíve noticed something has happened or what, but itís making me feel a little better.
Kids hate seeing their parents hurting, and I am sure they notice you're not yourself. My 17 year old daughter caught me crying in my office tonight and she wouldn't let me go once she started hugging me.

Your kids sound like great kids who LOVE you VERY much. And need you probably more than you even realize.
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Old 28th February 2018, 6:11 AM   #40
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According to him, she works at a club he and some of our guy friends frequent when they go out together. He hasnít been going since he broke it off. Since he told me, heís been quiet, but helpful and doting on the boys and myself.

Iím not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. Iím embarrassed that Iím Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something Iíve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...
People are attracted to other people all the time. Just because he found this girl atractive does not mean he does not value your beauty. all it means is he had poor controll of his impulses and low morals.

Stop blaming yourself. That's the biggest thing. I know. I know. I really do. I deal with a different type of self blame but I understand. IT'S NOT HEALTHY.
Heck I've even gained and lost nearly 90 pounds in the last 10 years so I've even dealt with body image issues.

Please don't kill yourself. Your children need you. I never got to have a good mother. I know how important that is for a kid. For anyone really. A good mother like you is worth her wieght in diamond crusted platinum. Every time your thoughts slip down those roads just STOP. Go do somthing. Call somone. Occupy yourself. These emotions will not last forever. You have to wait this out a bit. Your at ground zero of this disaster right now. The fumes are still choking you and you're staggering. You're in no condition to make a great choice. The more time passes the more things will come into focus.

The whole thing with him blowing up over your gushing for an actor is pure projection. Don't try to read into that to much. People in an affair are never truly sane. They project the type of people they are onto thier spouse.

What steps are you taking moving foward? I would recomend you make a plan of some sort and give yourself a time frame. Let's say 6 months to make a decision. You need to calm down. You need to distance yourself from this. Time and talking with a councilor will help. don't let your husband rush you through this. He will want this to be over fast. He's feeling alot of shame right now. You shouldn't care to much about his shame. His remorse is what you need. And remorse can only be proven with time.


Do you have a sister or friend you trust to lean on? You need a human being to lean on.

Get into counciling like NOW.

Honestly these thoughts of suicide should be a bigger concern then your husband right now. That ******* will still be there 6 months from now waiting for you to forgive him. I can promise that. Us men have had it drilled into us that divorce is the boogie man. He thinks you have him by the balls and you do. Unless he hates you he isn't going anywhere.
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Old 28th February 2018, 8:44 AM   #41
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Originally Posted by Devistated. View Post
Iím not embarrassed because my perfect life has been ripped away. Iím embarrassed that Iím Not enough. I put my whole self into my relationship. While he was with her, we had watched a movie together and I commented on how good my favorite actor looked, something Iíve done for years, and he got really mad. I had no idea at the time he had been with this girl...
My sincere apologies for misunderstanding your source of embarrassment. I just thought that, at this stage, itís extremely important to be able to share with those you trust instead of isolating yourself. Are you close to your mother or sister(s)? Do you have a best female friend to confide in? At the very least, get into individual therapy. Please donít let your embarrassment stand in your way.
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Old 1st March 2018, 7:24 PM   #42
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Please keep us updated op. I'm very worried for you. I keep thinking about you and wondering if your safe. Please don't hurt yourself. It solves nothing.
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Old 1st March 2018, 8:58 PM   #43
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Some people are treated absolutely terribly by their spouses. they stay or they leave,.....but they would never have an affair.

Not true with your Husband.
HIs actions are independent of you. His choice, but shared consequences.

The reason you feel it is all your fault is that marriage is the building of a co-"self"
the two become one flesh (if you are religious). "they have my back" " my partner, other half" (if you are not).

Half of you has been ripped away and that means you question the rest of your broken and bleeding self. This is a very normal and insightful reaction. You are not alone in this.

You are not who you thought you were because your husband is not what you thought he was. Your husband is not what HE thought he was.

So where too now?
I share your pain. Im further down the track than you.

Firstly recognise you are impaired right now. it will take time to heal and the only way is facing thru pain and managing emotion with respect and love for yourself first.

Be kind and be gentle and tread softly with yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve and self care. Put all decisions on hold without shame or urgency.

be confident than when the time comes you will recognise the way forward but for now let confusion, grief and loss have space. They will not always be with you although you will wonder if they will ever leave. They will.

Recognise and be grateful for small things. Your sons sticky hair when he hugs you. Butter melting on toast. Slow life down until you can pick up the threads of it again. You have the right to use the small miracles of your world to re-orientate yourself to the new person you are and the new life you have suddenly had thrust upon you without your consent or knowledge.

The old life is gone. You are right in your title. The world has ended that you were in. New beginnings are painful. Take care of yourself, Your teenage sons hugs are a reason to keep going for now. You will find more.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 1:46 AM   #44
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Devastated you there? Please update even if just to tell us your still safe. Your not alone. There is so much more to life then this one man. Even if you reconcile with your husband my hope is that you start living for you. You put so much of yourself into your family maybe you lost track of who you are.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 5:34 PM   #45
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Iím still here, but I donít know for how much longer. Iím trying so hard for my babies, but maybe things would be better if their dad found someone else. I can barely bring myself to get up still and Iím so sad.

My husband keeps sending me texts about forgiveness and has tried to bring up the affair but I donít want to hear it. I canít. I canít handle more details about him going somewhere to meet another woman or how or why or how good it was or wasnít.

I kept my little one home today to try and raise my spirits a little. Heís a funny guy.
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