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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 22nd August 2017, 10:30 AM   #61
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJean View Post
I was a WW in my first marriage. I met OMs through gatherings here and there. People knew and people talk.

You said you fear public exposure of the affair because you'd feel humiliated if others knew. She's had a four year affair with the friend of her friends husband. I can damn near guarantee the friend, her husband, and some of that social group already know either because they were told, have seen inappropriate behavior, or just picked up on it.

If you want my advice, tell your wife the friend AND that whole group have to go. Trust me, they knew and aren't friends of yours or your marriage. NC with the whole lot if you want to reconcile.
51 months is a lot of deceit and lying. It is a second secret life. I cannot imagine how any man would ever want to R given that degree of deceit. No woman has a 51 month affair and loves their spouse. Also, tell her family so they know why you are breaking this off. This is not your fault that she decided to go that route with another man. The OP is still in shock but the person he 'loves' does not exist. She is another man's for all intent and purposes. I just wonder how she could look at you in the eye for 51 months and not have her conscience kill her. That is cold.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 11:05 AM   #62
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
When a BS... especially a man in this situation first find out, they completely freak out. They make a bunch of early mistakes and sometimes they do damage to themselves.

So in this OP's case, his marriage is done. A 4 year affair is almost always fatal. In this case she was having wild monkey sex with the neighborhood stud for 4 years in his bed.

She is giving he a total line of crap to "Keep" her marriage. More than likely she is still screwing him.

So with this OP, He needs to quit being a weak man and pick himself up and file for divorce. Dump his social circle because they all knew. Further he needs to get away from his wife who disrespected him in such a horrible way that no self-respecting man would take her back.

Does that help you, SMM???
oh he definitely should divorce her and getting rid of the bed made sense, i just feel like rubbing it in is harsh.

mostly i just want to say to the op that YOU are not a failure. SHE is the failure.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 2:27 PM   #63
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People have decade long affairs and still manage to reconcile. Long recovery road but if she has decided to stay with you, that says that she still loves you. Many women leave at the start of an affair for the othe man. She obviously stayed. Focus on that. Something is missing in your marriage that she felt she needed to turn to someone else. Have you given her the time, attention, and affection she needed? The financial security she needs to feel safe and provided for? If not, work on providing these for her and her love for you will grow and she will never cheat on you again. You need to become her everything and be the person she needs you to be before you can expect her to be faithful. Work on you... the rest will follow.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 2:39 PM   #64
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Also, do not take her affair personally. It wasn't about you. The other man may have manipulated her if she is a more submissive personality type and yes, men can manipulate women for many years. It happened to me. It was never about my husband. So many men are out to mess with a married woman and don't understand the pain they have caused. If anything, blame the other man. You know your wife. She has stayed because of you. Fight for your marriage.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 2:50 PM   #65
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Ahg...

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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
People have decade long affairs and still manage to reconcile. Long recovery road but if she has decided to stay with you, that says that she still loves you. Many women leave at the start of an affair for the othe man. She obviously stayed. Focus on that. Something is missing in your marriage that she felt she needed to turn to someone else. Have you given her the time, attention, and affection she needed? The financial security she needs to feel safe and provided for? If not, work on providing these for her and her love for you will grow and she will never cheat on you again. You need to become her everything and be the person she needs you to be before you can expect her to be faithful. Work on you... the rest will follow.
AHG...It really does not work that way. OP's wife knew it was an exit affair. Or he is the weakest man in the history of men.

No way she cares about him in any way after a 4 year affair. She may not want to lose her lifestyle, she may not want to have her kids 50% of the time, she may not want to be shamed publicly, but she does not love him in any way. Not after 4 years. No way.

He would be a fool to stay with her...
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Old 22nd August 2017, 3:05 PM   #66
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You need to decide what you can handle. You are not weak to forgive her. It takes a very strong person to forgive. If you have kids, she will always be in your life. The other man in my situation, which also lasted over four years, reconciled with his wife. They fought to save their marriage. He manipulated me and hurt me more than any human should ever have to suffer. His wife decided to stay in her marriage and fight for him. Proof that even long term affairs don't have to destroy a marriage.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 3:11 PM   #67
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4 years is a long time ...yes
And the only reason they are not together is because he does not want more than what they had.....otherwise she would have left a long time ago .

Op things will get okay someday but it takes a lot of time mind movies are a norm after Dday..it stayed with me after a year .

4 years affair with I love you exchanged don't stop over night .invest in a VAR if you don't plan on throwing her out now ...

Please do not provide her comfort there is really nothing to love about her currently she betrayed you /lies to you for 4 years every day .She bought the man in the house .

She does not respect you or your marriage or your family ....she did not think about you.her grown children ...as long as her desire were being fulfilled to bring this home right to your doorstep this woman is as selfish as they come .

She is crying because she can manipulate you this way .don't provide comfort...you are making a mistake...she knows she has you wrapped up .

I am all for reconciliation ..byt this woman has no remorse and you are setting your self up for more ddays .. put her out of your home for now .this woman has shifted her loyalty to the om she will not protect neither you neither her children .

I understand right now it's overwhelming but one day acceptance will set in .it takes time but we all got there .you did not know you could not control what you did not know .and soon you will realise you still cannot control thier actions .only yours

Your action to stay or go /your action right now will influence the outcome of your situation .
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Old 22nd August 2017, 3:17 PM   #68
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
AHG...It really does not work that way. OP's wife knew it was an exit affair. Or he is the weakest man in the history of men.

No way she cares about him in any way after a 4 year affair. She may not want to lose her lifestyle, she may not want to have her kids 50% of the time, she may not want to be shamed publicly, but she does not love him in any way. Not after 4 years. No way.

He would be a fool to stay with her...
BluesPower... He would be a fool to not try and reconcile. Biggest mistake on his part both for any kids involved and financially would be to not fight for his marriage. That would be letting the other man win. Should he really let another man, one who slept with his wife, destroy his marriage too? I'd be fighting like never before to not only save my marriage but also to prove to the other man that he meant nothing to my wife. Show the other man that he was never good enough for his wife. The other man might have raged a battle but he's going to win the war and have an even better marriage than before the OM came into the picture. Let him chose to either allow another man to destroy his marriage or fight to save it.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 3:22 PM   #69
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Why give the OM an ego boost by letting him destroy your marriage. Fighting for your marriage will make her affair partner look like an idiot. He should have known better than to sleep with a married woman! He's the one who is weak and a coward. As a husband, you are the one who needs to fight for your wife. Prove to the other man that you will not let him win!
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Old 22nd August 2017, 3:29 PM   #70
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Hands down, there are way more married men looking to sleep with another man's wife. It gives them some sort of messed up ego boost. Husbands need to start putting these type of men in their place. By saving the marriage, it sends a clear message to other men to stay away from the wife. It would be a double standard for women to stay with husbands that cheat but men to not stay with a wife that cheats. Again, men who prey on married women do not deserve to win!!!
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Old 22nd August 2017, 3:41 PM   #71
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
BluesPower... He would be a fool to not try and reconcile. Biggest mistake on his part both for any kids involved and financially would be to not fight for his marriage. That would be letting the other man win. Should he really let another man, one who slept with his wife, destroy his marriage too? I'd be fighting like never before to not only save my marriage but also to prove to the other man that he meant nothing to my wife. Show the other man that he was never good enough for his wife. The other man might have raged a battle but he's going to win the war and have an even better marriage than before the OM came into the picture. Let him chose to either allow another man to destroy his marriage or fight to save it.

A reconciliation is possible only if the wife is remorseful ...you cannot force that .your wife is not .do not fight for the marriage. She is boastful she is not a prize to win or to have .
You and your children are .

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 23rd August 2017 at 7:05 AM.. Reason: rude~T
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Old 22nd August 2017, 3:41 PM   #72
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You don't think a man can manipulate a woman? You obviously don't have a degree in psychology. You also have no experience with victims of sexual assualt. Did you know that there are many cases where the victim falls in love with the perpetrator? Don't be naive to think manipulation did not play a part in her affair. She sounds like she is hurting also, which is proof she was manipulated.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 4:24 PM   #73
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The only way reconciliation is possible is if his wife has ended the affair, gone into therapy and is remorseful. If it is anything other than these things I would separate pronto!
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Old 22nd August 2017, 5:46 PM   #74
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I cannot imagine the devastation you are in OP, but I highly recommend seeing a therapist to help yourself recover. If I were in your shoes, I would never be able to trust her again, and divorce would be inevitable. Of course, I don't know what kind of financial situation you are in, or if you have kids and such. As hard as it may be, I would suggest removing this person from your life, and start a new chapter with your life.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 10:33 PM   #75
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leak her all vile things online, expose her true face to her colleagues and coworkers, relatives, parents and close circles. expose her boyfriend as well to his own circle and to her friend as well

and destroy her reputation, serve her divorce papers and hire a good lawyer to get as much leverage from the divorce as possible

dont let her stay for one more moment now.

dunno which kinda society you belong but in my society the cheater is disgusted upon not the one who got cheated or betrayed

and well life must have taught to to never trust anybody except your blood relatives/ parents. it was foolish of you to trust such a woman to be honest, must be really vile to cheat and go on in her life as normal
you must be very poor judge of one's character, people do show from their character what they are made up of.

Last edited by hammyy2k; 22nd August 2017 at 10:35 PM..
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