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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 21st August 2017, 7:33 PM   #46
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So your wife emasculates you, leaves you shaking and crying in the bathroom at work, and brings you to thoughts of suicide. And after all this, she sleeps like a baby at night. Says a lot about her character.

Frankly, SHE DOES NOT DESERVE YOU. It's not YOU that is less of a man. It is HER who is less of a woman. Less of a wife. Less of a mother. Do not forget this.

Did she happen to give you the reason why she hasn't left you for him? It might not be because of her undying love for you. It might be because loverboy didn't want to commit. Ask her. Polygraph her.

Do a DNA paternity test on your kids, and make sure she knows it's taking place. She lied for 4 years--who's to say it wasn't a longer lie? Tell the kids that the test is one of those ancestry things to determine how much Scottish or Greek blood you have.

Disconnect from her. Start leading a life independent from her. Hit the gym, take up some hobbies with new friends. Heck, enroll in a night class in a subject you've always been interested in. Spend more time out of the house. Let her see clearly that your life will go on just fine without her.

Does she work? Was she just screwing around while you fed and housed her without pulling her weight. If she doesn't have a job, tell her to get one.

You've been far too nice to her, and all it's earned is her disrespect. It's time to change the power dynamic in the relationship.
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Old 21st August 2017, 8:52 PM   #47
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OP, Try to calm down...

And yes you can respond with anger. Just don't hit her. You need to be pissed off. She made a fool of you for 4 years.

No way back from this brother. And by the way she is probably still seeing him, you don't break off a 4 year relationship over night.

Take every bit of the evidence that you have found and save it somewhere.

FILE FOR DIVORCE. Just do it. EXPOSE the affair to everyone. SHAME her.

You are not to blame, she will become the jezebel in the public eye that she is.

Stop being weak. DO NOT COMFORT HER. DO NOT TOUCH HER. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER.

Get out now, you will heal faster, I promise...
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Old 21st August 2017, 9:54 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by mincrafter View Post
Goodness me? STD? I didn't think about that. It was completely out of my mind.

Background - We have 2 children. One boy. One girl. Pre teens both of them.

As for the him, he is divorced. So there goes my vengeance plan to inform his wife. He is a friend of the husband of my wife's friend. They met in social gathering. I can't even inform there without humiliating myself. I would be viewed as the cuckold and ridiculed.

Can you guys understand how helpless and weak this makes me feel? My wife is doing "charity" on me by suggesting that she will never again be in the presence of the group when he is there. And if necessary she will inform her close friends for she can't be in his presence. I was nearly about to hit her for this. How dare she? She makes a mockery of me for 4 years with another man and now she wants to humiliate in public?
You will be mocked if you stay with her. You already are, do you actually think he is not bragging to his friends about the things he has done to your wife?
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Old 21st August 2017, 10:18 PM   #49
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Mincrafter you are in love with who you thought your wife was. That person doesn't exist.

Instead you have a heartless woman that wants to keep her social circle, all of whom knew what they were up to.

The reason she is acting like she is because she knows you won't leave. That the only regret she has is in getting caught. That she may have to what a few years before she starts again.

What will you tell your son when he finds out and you stayed?

What lesson are you teaching your daughter, that she can do the same to her husband one day?

You have a lot to think about. It's time to push to pain aside and figure out what is best for the kids.

Having an affair is bad enough but bringing the OM home to your bed was meant as a insult.

Has your wife introduced the OM to your kids?
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Old 21st August 2017, 10:24 PM   #50
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I would destroy the wedding albums along with throwing the bed out.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 1:10 AM   #51
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I would destroy the wedding albums along with throwing the bed out.
The bed has gone.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 4:08 AM   #52
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Originally Posted by mincrafter View Post
Goodness me? STD? I didn't think about that. It was completely out of my mind.
.......
I can't even inform there without humiliating myself. I would be viewed as the cuckold and ridiculed.
.....
Can you guys understand how helpless and weak this makes me feel? My wife is doing "charity" on me by suggesting that she will never again be in the presence of the group when he is there. And if necessary she will inform her close friends for she can't be in his presence. I was nearly about to hit her for this. How dare she? She makes a mockery of me for 4 years with another man and now she wants to humiliate in public?
EXACTLY! And, omg, m.c., you're far from helpless and weak. If anything, it's the other way around. The violence and outrage you feel (and very sanely express) are very healthy, important responses that will get you your dignity back. Well, maybe not the violence.

I don't think you'd be ridiculed but I do understand that shame all too well. It's a humiliation you'd rather avoid than anything in the world. You have every right to resent them wholly and individually because someone for sure knew and left you to find out for yourself.

But about the stds - oh yeah, don't discount it. When I looked back and remembered that I actually chewed out a nurse and a doctor, who told me that the organism they'd identified was sexually transmitted. It's the pithiest of bottoms.

Oh, and there was someone on here who burned his bed in the backyard after his WS rendered it untouchable.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 7:30 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by mincrafter View Post
Thank you so much. I so much want it to be better. This pain is unbearable. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I almost feel a pain in my chest. I am having a lump in my throat all the time. I am in no position to make any decision right now. Its too much. All of this.

But even in all of this the best thing I have done is not sleep on that bed anymore. And after getting the advise to throw it out, I just did it and came to inform about it here.
Many a BH has had a barn fire in their backyard
to burn the mattress. Some burn every furniture
the OM touched, clothes the WW wore with the OM,
WW gifts from the OM.

Burn baby burn.

Though after all that burning you will find that
the house will never feel clean. So time to sell
the house now and move far away from there
and start over.

You will not be able to recover there. Too many
triggers, too many opportunities for WW to break
NC and you to run into the OM.

Not to mention that your social circle just has
been eliminated.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 7:33 AM   #54
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Originally Posted by MJJean View Post
I was a WW in my first marriage. I met OMs through gatherings here and there. People knew and people talk.

You said you fear public exposure of the affair because you'd feel humiliated if others knew. She's had a four year affair with the friend of her friends husband. I can damn near guarantee the friend, her husband, and some of that social group already know either because they were told, have seen inappropriate behavior, or just picked up on it.

If you want my advice, tell your wife the friend AND that whole group have to go. Trust me, they knew and aren't friends of yours or your marriage. NC with the whole lot if you want to reconcile.
So true. Also exposure is a consequence of having
an affair. Having a WW avoid her consequences only
makes it more likely that she cheat again.

The affair was not about you. Exposing is making the
affair about her faults.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 7:35 AM   #55
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Oh, and there was someone on here who burned his bed in the backyard after his WS rendered it untouchable.
That was SmokeRat......haven't seen him on here in along time.

Thankfully, I did not have that to deal with. But I did throw out some clothing, underwear, etc. I knew what she wore to meet up with him....and I just could not stand to even see the stuff in closet or drawers.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 7:37 AM   #56
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And, maybe I missed it, but do you know the guy, did you know him before?

Do you have a way to verify No Contact?
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Old 22nd August 2017, 7:47 AM   #57
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Talking

mincrafter,

You will find your way. It is so very hard. Some suggestions to get you through the next months are these:

1. Try to get some sleep with OTC sleep aids. I used them for a while and eventually, I was able to sleep without them. I could not function or think well on 2 hours of sleep. Not everyone will agree with me on this, but it is just a suggestion. I never felt I would be addicted to them and I wasn't.

2. Exercise a lot. I walked and walked. My dogs loved it.

3. Talk to someone - family or friend - who will be supportive to you and let you talk. Dichotomy talked to his dad. My nephew also talked to his dad (my brother) daily and it was an immense help. I talked to my sister-in-law (my brother's wife and best friend) and the same brother from above. It is important to be able to express your pain.

4. Do not sleep in the same bed as her. Very bad idea.

5. Do give yourself time before you make any decision. It is life altering.

6. Find a support group. This really helped me and it was in a couple of ways. I needed the support and I discovered there were people whose stories made me grateful for the things I did have - a great son, enough money to support myself, great friends, great family - despite all that I lost (and it was a lot).

7. Affirm the good things about you, even if it just to yourself. You were a faithful and trusting husband, not perfect, but faithful. Today, that is not as easy to find and is a wonderful quality. Her affair is on her. Despite any issues in a marriage, having an affair is a selfish, immature way to deal with them. A 4 year affair speaks volumes about her ability to be duplicitous and her character. Not so honorable or honest, right?

8. Find a good therapist to help you maneuver through this.

Things will get better, eventually. It is so very difficult to even get up and go, but you have to. You have yourself and 2 children to consider. Cliche, but true - time heals. Not all wounds, but enough to help a lot.

Best to you. Hugs.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 8:21 AM   #58
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I don't see why so many people want to kick a BS while they're down, by making up stories about how they will be laughed at everywhere and how they will never get over it so they must leave their homes in shame. I mean, aren't they in enough pain without you making up reasons for them to feel worse??

Things WILL get better. You CAN stay in your home if you choose to. It is totally up to you! You can decide that you will NOT let the past ruin you and take away from everything that you have. Or you can decide that you will not let the past chain you down, and move on. You have the power to take control of your own future, regardless of what your cheating spouse or anyone else says.
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Old 22nd August 2017, 8:43 AM   #59
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When a BS...

Quote:
Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
I don't see why so many people want to kick a BS while they're down, by making up stories about how they will be laughed at everywhere and how they will never get over it so they must leave their homes in shame. I mean, aren't they in enough pain without you making up reasons for them to feel worse??

Things WILL get better. You CAN stay in your home if you choose to. It is totally up to you! You can decide that you will NOT let the past ruin you and take away from everything that you have. Or you can decide that you will not let the past chain you down, and move on. You have the power to take control of your own future, regardless of what your cheating spouse or anyone else says.
When a BS... especially a man in this situation first find out, they completely freak out. They make a bunch of early mistakes and sometimes they do damage to themselves.

So in this OP's case, his marriage is done. A 4 year affair is almost always fatal. In this case she was having wild monkey sex with the neighborhood stud for 4 years in his bed.

She is giving he a total line of crap to "Keep" her marriage. More than likely she is still screwing him.

So with this OP, He needs to quit being a weak man and pick himself up and file for divorce. Dump his social circle because they all knew. Further he needs to get away from his wife who disrespected him in such a horrible way that no self-respecting man would take her back.

Does that help you, SMM???
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Old 22nd August 2017, 9:06 AM   #60
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
When a BS... especially a man in this situation first find out, they completely freak out. They make a bunch of early mistakes and sometimes they do damage to themselves.

So in this OP's case, his marriage is done. A 4 year affair is almost always fatal. In this case she was having wild monkey sex with the neighborhood stud for 4 years in his bed.

She is giving he a total line of crap to "Keep" her marriage. More than likely she is still screwing him.

So with this OP, He needs to quit being a weak man and pick himself up and file for divorce. Dump his social circle because they all knew. Further he needs to get away from his wife who disrespected him in such a horrible way that no self-respecting man would take her back.

Does that help you, SMM???
As I said in a previous post, I am a big advocate of reconciliation where I see hope. I was, after all, a cheater who was given a second chance. But 4 years...jeez that's tough, and I tend to agree with Blues. It is difficult to see hope in this one.

How is she behaving now mincrafter? What is she saying about OM? Is she in any way defending him...or herself? If she doesn't get on her knees and start begging very soon, then it is pretty much dead in the water I'm afraid.

Did you honestly have no clue at all over the 4 years? She deserves an Oscar if she managed to act normal for all that time. But she doesn't deserve you.

Last edited by jenkins95; 22nd August 2017 at 9:13 AM..
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