My MOM? A cheater?

[newnameforthis]

I just found out that my mom cheated on my dad 20+ years ago, and am sick. I cannot believe I am learning this. I think I wish I had not.

 

My husband and I went to visit my parents over the weekend. We're in our 20's, no kids. While there, I noticed my dad had a new punching bag hanging in the barn. Kinda different, but my dad has always worked out, is very strong, etc. I also noticed an old riding lawnmower was sitting outside, and it looked like someone had beat on it with something. It was really bashed up. I asked my dad, and he just joked "it was asking for it".

 

Just before dark Sat night I heard something outside, looked out and saw my dad smashing these dead tree limbs against a tree trunk. Wood was flying everywhere. After several minutes he flung some of the wood aside, then walked off with the dogs. It just seemed out of character, so I asked my mom if he was upset about something. She was silent for a minute, then said she had to get something, and went to their room. Now, I was really getting worried. When she came back, she said everything was OK, but acted nervous. She said she'd have to talk to me later, and don't bother dad. Great. More worrying. Finances? Disease?

 

When Dad came in, I could see his thumb was bloody from his wood bashing, but he acted fine. So nothing more is said; then we prepared to leave the next day. As we packed up, mom handed me a couple pieces of paper, and said to read it later. I read it as soon as we hit the car. In the letter, my mom is confessing that she had an affair when I was about 3 years old! Somehow, my dad just found out about two months ago. Has been in a rage since. I was dizzy (still am) when I saw the words. It seems impossible. Just impossible. We had barely got out to the main road, when my husband could see my reaction, and pulled over. I was almost speechless, but blurted out the news.

 

My hubby truly was speechless. He just sat and stared, then said, "your dad will kill him....How could anyone be that dumb? Your dad will kill him."

 

My dad was a police officer in a large city for 30 years, and recently retired. Started at age 21. He worked the graveyard shift all those years, so he could be home when I was. Since he retired he's been so happy with his new life on his "farm", but now I fear it is all being ruined. Part of me is furious at my mom for this. In her letter, she accepted all the blame. Said she was immature, and wanted more attention. Even admitted she was jealous of the attention my dad gave me. Seems truly remorseful, very upset with herself, and sorry she's hurt my dad so badly.

 

My dad is the sweetest, best dad you could ask for, always there, a rock. I love my mom, but when I was a kid she was often short tempered; always anxious. She's become much nicer and more thoughtful since then.

 

 

Still, the worry is my dad. Mom wrote that he called the other man, and asked to meet. (as in: fight) The other man was scared, and threatened to call the police . Right now, this is the only thing stopping my dad, fear that his old police friends will learn about this. In a way, that's lucky; otherwise Dad would probably go beat the other man something terrible. In 30 years police work my dad was shot at, stabbed thru the hand with a screwdriver, hit by a car, and in many fights, but no one ever got the better of him. I can't bear the thought of my sweet Dad getting into trouble over this. He doesn't deserve it.

 

So now, I don't know what to do. I feel like my mom is surely expecting me to call or email, but I can't yet. She said Dad's anger is only surpassed by not wanting anyone else to know. I can't stand that there's nothing I can do for him. How can people do this?! I fear I'll never be able to look at either one of them the same again.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for. I'm afraid to speak a word of this. The only bright spot has been my husband's support. He and my dad are great together, such a blessing.

[Arvin_Solheim]

Well that sucks truly, I found out my dad had an affair behind my mother's back when I was 14 years old or something; I accidentally saw him come out of an apartment in my girlfriend's building accompanied by a much much younger girl....I didn't tell my mother, I knew that she would eventually find out, someone else told her and when she confronted my dad, he told him that the other person was lying my mother was on the verge of believing him when I looked into my dad's eye and told my mother that he is lying and I had seen him; we later found out that the apartment belonged to my dad as well and that wasn't his first and only affair. it made me lose my respect for him even though I was always a morally ambiguous guy, the way you describe your father makes me feel like your mother had no justification for what she did, you should support your father but in a subtle way, you don't want him thinking that you consider him weak or in need of help....Truth be told a long time has passed since the affair so even punishing your mother isn't going to do any of you any good.....Trying to forget it is the best solution in this kind of situations.....

[Speakingofwhich]

The best thing you can do is to forgive your mom and now it's your turn to follow your dad's example and be a rock for them while they work through this.

 

In other words, continue to be yourself, same loving daughter.

 

Personally, I would call your mom and tell her how sorry you are that all that happened years ago and that you love her and forgive her. I would thank her for staying with the family instead of leaving and I would tell her I admired her honesty in trying to come clean about it.

 

I would then ask her if your dad knows she told you and if he does know I would express to him your admiration for all he's done for you, that you wrote about here and more, and tell him he has been there for you all these years and now you are there for him.

 

I would also let him know that you admire him now more than ever for not going to the other man to seek vengeance. I don't know your beliefs but if your family believes in God and in the Bible I would assure both him and your mom that they dear to my heart more than ever and will also be especially in my prayers.

 

In short, I would surround them both with my love.

[lollipopspot]

I fear I'll never be able to look at either one of them the same again.

 

If your parents gave you a good childhood, that's way more than a lot of people got. You don't know the intricacies of their relationship, really, and all the pressures that made them make the decisions that they did in the distant past. I would suggest being a loving daughter to both of them, and don't let this affect how you view them, it really doesn't have anything to do with you, even if they try to bring you into it.

[TaraMaiden]

You're not going to like this:

 

it's none of your business.

Your parents are not only your parents.

They're two individual, unique human beings with emotions, passions and baggage, just like anyone else.

They have flaws and virtues, faults and merits, just like anyone else.

And they are as much party to the various games emotions play in the part of anyone's life, as anyone else is.

 

This is their issue, and nothing whatsoever to do with either you or your husband.

 

If you want my honest opinion, this happened a long time ago, and your dad is over-reacting.

Beating the other guy up is dramatic and unnecessary.

He should really be focusing on what the hell happened between him and your mother all that time ago, to precipitate such bad behaviour on her part.

but this has nothing to do with you, and frankly, as they're both your parents, whatever their issues, you should continue to view them in that light, and that light alone.

They may have an issue to deal with, but your job - as her daughter, and his - is to remain distant and impartial about this.

It's actually the best gift you could give them, because in actual fact, it lends stability.

[newnameforthis]

You're not going to like this:

 

 

 

If you want my honest opinion, this happened a long time ago, and your dad is over-reacting.

Beating the other guy up is dramatic and unnecessary.

He should really be focusing on what the hell happened between him and your mother all that time ago, to precipitate such bad behaviour on her part.

 

I must take exception to this part of your post. Here is a quote from my mother's letter:

 

"your father did nothing to deserve this. It was all due to my own character flaws, and my dumb, girlish tendency to believe the smooth voice of a jerk that could not fill one of you father's shoes." The word "shame" appears prominently after this.

 

If I'm not objective, its because this is my father we speak of. A man that worked while we slept, and slept precious little himself.

 

One summer I went to work to "ride-along" with him a couple of times. His Sergeant asked me if I realized that my dad was always assigned the worst, most difficult area of the district. He said my dad was a victim of his own success. The best, most reliable officer in the squad gets assigned the toughest area.

[twosadthings]

I think you have every right to be concerned, disappointed and wondering about your next move. It's true it happened twenty years ago for your mom but it's only two months old for your dad. Your mom will need help helping him recover their marriage and that should come both professionally, if they go that route, and from friends of the marriage they share their story with.

 

She deserves your support as well because its seems she knows the wrong she has done and has reached out to you with her letter of disclosure. They both love you and I hope you can be even handed in your approach to them. You are a part of the family and every family needs to come together in a time of need.

 

Good luck to you and yours,

 

Twosadthings

[yellowmaverick]

If you want my honest opinion, this happened a long time ago, and your dad is over-reacting.

 

Newname - First, I am very sorry about the pain you feel regarding your mother's affair. I completely disagree with the above comment. If you really want an "honest opinion", ask someone who was betrayed and who was never involved in an affair. After being on this board for a while, I can tell you that those who have engaged in an affair have very different views than those who have been betrayed. Additionally, infidelity is not just a sexual betrayal to the spouse; it is a betrayal of trust to the entire family. You are discovering that the mother who taught you about a moral code is somewhat of a hypocrite - it's a tough pill to swallow for a daughter, especially if you highly value fidelity, integrity and honesty. Additionally, you hurt for your father.

 

As any BS can tell you, your father is absolutely not over-reacting. Although your mother has had 20 years to adjust to what she did, your father has had only two months. It's all very new and shocking to him. Cheating is the deepest form of betrayal between spouses. Your dad will exhibit many emotions over the next few months, maybe years - anger, intense sadness, grief. These are emotions that ALL BS experience, and they are perfectly normal, given the circumstances.

 

While it is helpful to understand what your dad may be feeling, I agree with the poster who encouraged you to continue to love and support both of your parents. They will BOTH need it.

[Buckeye2]

How in the world did your dad find out after all this time? How long did it last?

[Chi townD]

Well, like it or not, you're kinda in the middle AND between a rock and a hard place because you're not supposed to know. So, you can't console your father....

 

 

The best you can do is direct you mom to get the two of them into marriage counseling. There's a good chance they're going to remain together. They been together for 20-30 years and at that age, there's more fear of being alone and starting over so late in life that they just stay together. But, this isn't ALWAYS the case.

[yellowmaverick]

I must take exception to this part of your post. Here is a quote from my mother's letter:

 

"your father did nothing to deserve this. It was all due to my own character flaws, and my dumb, girlish tendency to believe the smooth voice of a jerk that could not fill one of you father's shoes." The word "shame" appears prominently after this.

 

If I'm not objective, its because this is my father we speak of. A man that worked while we slept, and slept precious little himself.

 

One summer I went to work to "ride-along" with him a couple of times. His Sergeant asked me if I realized that my dad was always assigned the worst, most difficult area of the district. He said my dad was a victim of his own success. The best, most reliable officer in the squad gets assigned the toughest area.

 

Love this!! You are absolutely right!! The choice to cheat is always 100% on the cheater. No marriage is perfect. I can guarantee you that the betrayed spouse has his or her own grievances as well.

 

I know it's difficult, but try not to worry too much about your dad. He will work through it in his own way, in his own time frame. I think that your mom will work through it with him.

[newnameforthis]

How in the world did your dad find out after all this time? How long did it last?

 

I don't know this either. The letter just said that a couple of months ago he asked her about some things, and she admitted this. Some type of suspicions? Its driving me crazy, but I don' know if I have the nerve to ask.

 

Also, for the other question, she said (in the letter) they've seen a counselor several times since, a woman. They both like her, and feel it is helping.

 

I guess I should call her.

[yellowmaverick]

I guess I should call her

 

Yes!!! Call her. You may be disappointed in your parents sometimes, but they are still your parents. She needs to hear that you love her and that you support both of them.

[Bryanp]

I do not believe that the counselor would tell you anything. I believe that this is confidential and is privileged information. It would be highly unprofessional for the counselor to discuss anything with you about her clients.

[newnameforthis]

I do not believe that the counselor would tell you anything. I believe that this is confidential and is privileged information. It would be highly unprofessional for the counselor to discuss anything with you about her clients.

 

Oh sorry, I meant call my mom.

 

I can't take it, I'm calling her.

[Speakingofwhich]

I guess I should call her.

 

I would. Just to offer her love and support. As a mom, if I had told my children something of this nature I'd be thrilled to get a loving phone call from them.

 

As difficult as this situation is, your family will best benefit from offering each other your strong support and can emerge from this with a stronger bond than ever.

 

My mom also cheated on my dad, who was also a rock. And us kids knew about it. It was a difficult situation to cope with as kids but we worked through it and mom matured and became a better person, too.

 

It was a huge trial for my dad but in the end I really think he benefited from it. Yes, I believe he did, as ludicrous as that statement sounds.

 

Dad couldn't handle the pain of mom's choice (we also witnessed his trying to deal with this trial) and turned to God for help. When he did that he became even more incredible than he was before. It really made a giant of a man out of him whereas before he had been wonderful but was not in touch with his heart. Not advocating a cheating wife to benefit a man, but since it happened he allowed God to use it to mold him into a more complex person who had experienced deep pain, and could empathize with others in a way he hadn't been able to before.

 

Many people then received help and emotional and spiritual support from him when they went through their own tragedies. And he set an example for his kids of love and forgiveness. Oh, how I loved my daddy! He is gone now but the things I learned from him I will never forget and always hold dear.

[newnameforthis]

OK. Called Mom. More stuff I'm not sure I wanted to know.

 

Two months or so ago a friend of my parents suddenly died of a heart attack. This man and his ex-wife were friends of my parents for years. I know them well. Turns out that also around 20 years ago this couple's marriage experienced infidelity. My parents were aware of this.

 

The husband came to my dad, asking for details. Who is the other man? My dad did not tell him, for fear he would get himself into trouble. (He later found out the info elsewhere.) A divorce followed. For 20 years my dad was wracked with guilt for withholding this information. He (Dad) also seized on a strange feeling he got during this episode, feeling my mom was acting strangely. Gut intuition. Suspicion.

 

After the death of this man, my dad confronted mom. He had to know. Was he crazy? She admitted she too....can't type it.

 

My mom says she wishes she was the one who died instead, so Dad wouldn't have to go thru this. Unreal to hear this talk. I am kind of down and disappointed on women right now. You always hear of men, but in my life, it is the women. Yes, disappointed.

 

I'm just going to go to bed with my husband, appreciate what I have, and try to learn something. Wish more people could.

[whichwayisup]

You have a right to feel hurt, feel mad, disappointed etc..etc but remember that your mom loves you, she was a great mom, she brought you up alone while your dad provided for you and put his life on the line daily doing his job.

 

Do counseling and do continue to talk to your mom. And to your dad. He is hurting awfully but with that said I hope he and your mom work it out. That's a lot of history and a life together to throw away if he chooses to not want to give your mom a chance to make it right again.

[krazikat]

Newname - First, I am very sorry about the pain you feel regarding your mother's affair. I completely disagree with the above comment. If you really want an "honest opinion", ask someone who was betrayed and who was never involved in an affair. After being on this board for a while, I can tell you that those who have engaged in an affair have very different views than those who have been betrayed. Additionally, infidelity is not just a sexual betrayal to the spouse; it is a betrayal of trust to the entire family. You are discovering that the mother who taught you about a moral code is somewhat of a hypocrite - it's a tough pill to swallow for a daughter, especially if you highly value fidelity, integrity and honesty. Additionally, you hurt for your father.

 

As any BS can tell you, your father is absolutely not over-reacting. Although your mother has had 20 years to adjust to what she did, your father has had only two months. It's all very new and shocking to him. Cheating is the deepest form of betrayal between spouses. Your dad will exhibit many emotions over the next few months, maybe years - anger, intense sadness, grief. These are emotions that ALL BS experience, and they are perfectly normal, given the circumstances.

 

While it is helpful to understand what your dad may be feeling, I agree with the poster who encouraged you to continue to love and support both of your parents. They will BOTH need it.

 

Completely agree with this.

 

You can pretty much know who the cheaters are ( both married cheaters and the ones who have sex with married) are and the victims of.cheating by the stance on affairs.

 

The cheaters will generally make many excuses for cheating to try and justify their lying ways. They often say it isnt the kids business...

 

But your reaction is normal. Your confusion, hurt...thats normal. Your dads reaction...also normal.

 

Sending positive thoughts your way.

[Syco]

If you want my honest opinion, this happened a long time ago, and your dad is over-reacting.

 

I've read a load of bull**** in my time, but this...

 

He has just found out that whilst he was out risking his life, the woman he loved was screwing someone else.

 

Unless he threatens/resorts to spousal abuse etc. He has every right to be angry.

[Eivuwan]

I am not saying that what the mom did was right but a marriage is difficult to maintain when people are working different shifts for so many years. She must have been quite lonely. I have to agree with taramaiden here. Your mom should have picked a better method of handling the original problem but imagine if you were living the life she had lived. Rarely being able to be with ones husband when both are feeling the best. Empty bed every night.

Edited March 18, 2014 by Eivuwan

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah, you know, I figured my post would rattle a few tin cans...

 

But this is precisely what I was trying to help you avoid....

 

OK. Called Mom. More stuff I'm not sure I wanted to know.

You really need to take a step back and try to extricate your concern, to encompass both of them.

This is a huge problem - but it's THEIR problem, not yours.

 

People are failing to see my point about 'over-reacting' with regard to your dad.

 

Wanting to beat the crap out of someone, at any time, for anyone, regardless of when the affair occurred, is over-reacting.

People are human.

People have feelings, emotions and reactions to all and any given situation, but violence - or the desire to do some - is going overboard.

 

Your mother is shouldering the blame for the affair which is good, and she can see how very wrong and damaging her actions were.

But as others have pointed out - your dad had a stressful job, and his hours were understandably erratic and varied.

 

It's not rare for the spouses of people who are committed to their work, to feel neglected, alone and perceive that their emotional needs have been placed second, and abandoned....

 

I'm not saying that this is what happened between your parents, but -

 

it's none of your business.

 

You have no right to dig and to investigate what was in either your mother's heart or your father's too, for that matter.

 

Attempting to access their inner reasonings, the rationale of the event, and the whys and wherefores, puts you in a dangerous, precarious position, and you risk losing hold of your emotions.

 

The more you know, the more torn you will become, and the more you will think you 'need to know'.

 

This puts your parents in an awful position; not only are they having to deal with a total upheaval of what they believed was a good relationship - they now have to contend with how much to tell you, your involvement, your feeling and your opinions.

 

Really, for everyone's sake, you need to withdraw and trust them to sort this out for themselves.

They're grown ups, and have to be responsible for their own mess.

 

They brought up a family and did all the right things it seems; you need to let go, and trust them to handle this alone.

They can do it.

But in having to contend with your input - well, that just muddies the waters further.

 

Obviously, without question, you mean well.

But you need to stop and ask yourself: How is your involvement actually helping anything?

[Darth Vader]

Yeah, you know, I figured my post would rattle a few tin cans...

 

But this is precisely what I was trying to help you avoid....

 

 

You really need to take a step back and try to extricate your concern, to encompass both of them.

This is a huge problem - but it's THEIR problem, not yours.

 

People are failing to see my point about 'over-reacting' with regard to your dad.

 

Wanting to beat the crap out of someone, at any time, for anyone, regardless of when the affair occurred, is over-reacting.

People are human.

People have feelings, emotions and reactions to all and any given situation, but violence - or the desire to do some - is going overboard.

 

Your mother is shouldering the blame for the affair which is good, and she can see how very wrong and damaging her actions were.

But as others have pointed out - your dad had a stressful job, and his hours were understandably erratic and varied.

 

It's not rare for the spouses of people who are committed to their work, to feel neglected, alone and perceive that their emotional needs have been placed second, and abandoned....

 

I'm not saying that this is what happened between your parents, but -

 

it's none of your business.

 

You have no right to dig and to investigate what was in either your mother's heart or your father's too, for that matter.

 

Attempting to access their inner reasonings, the rationale of the event, and the whys and wherefores, puts you in a dangerous, precarious position, and you risk losing hold of your emotions.

 

The more you know, the more torn you will become, and the more you will think you 'need to know'.

 

This puts your parents in an awful position; not only are they having to deal with a total upheaval of what they believed was a good relationship - they now have to contend with how much to tell you, your involvement, your feeling and your opinions.

 

Really, for everyone's sake, you need to withdraw and trust them to sort this out for themselves.

They're grown ups, and have to be responsible for their own mess.

 

They brought up a family and did all the right things it seems; you need to let go, and trust them to handle this alone.

They can do it.

But in having to contend with your input - well, that just muddies the waters further.

 

Obviously, without question, you mean well.

But you need to stop and ask yourself: How is your involvement actually helping anything?

 

 

Bad advice!

 

Actually it IS your business! Your mom not only cheated on your Father, but on the entire family! How much flak have you received over the years because of her affair, how many times were you mistreated, yelled at, punished because of what she was doing? Yes, it's a problem you are being force to deal with, so that makes it your problem too!

[TaraMaiden]

No, it's none of her business.

There is no proof, evidence or anything else to suggest that any of her mother's moods and attitudes had anything to do with her affair.

 

You really believe every parental outburst would have been because she had a fling all that time ago?

Jeesh, get real.... there are other reasons for parents losing their tempers with their kids....

 

What a pile of BS..... If anything, her mother would have been gentler and more considerate out of the guilt she felt....

 

I repeat:

This is none of the OP's business, insofar as her continued involvement is concerned.

The OP needs to stand back and let her parents deal with this issue in their own way.

[gettingstronger]

Sounds like you are handling it as well as can be expected- continue to offer your support and remember to also take care of you-

I love your husbands reaction and that he is there for your Dad-

I hope that this opens some very real conversations for you and your husband-being pretty newly married without kids the thought of infidelity probably does not cross your minds, I hope this will allow the two of you to talk about how you will handle all of the seasons of your marriage-

 

Take care-