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I have an admirer and husband is unhappy.


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A man I used to work with has been sending me texts and emails for the last 13 years. He has also sent me valentines cards. Today I received chocolates and a valentines card at work, I’m guessing it was lost in the post!

I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, he knows this guy has never laid a finger on me and I would never let him as we are both married and I respect that.

I have been denying his advances for 6 years before I met my husband.

I bought the package home and showed my husband, he wasn’t pleased, the look said it all.

I didn’t ask for this and I do nothing to encourage him.

 

However I’m feeling a miffed with my husband as he has been meeting up with a good friend of mine to do a sport they both love and my friend asked my husband what he got me for my birthday he told her “we don’t do presents” I bought him a new wallet for his birthday and I gave him a gift voucher for one of his favourite shops for Christmas, he gave me nothing for my birthday or Christmas or our recent anniversary or Valentine’s Day.. I don’t care about material things but I feel like my husband has given up on making any effort to keep our love alive and I feel like rubbish for showing him my gift from my admirer.

I have confronted my admirer with photos of my husband and I. They both know I’ll never cheat on anyone, but I’m struggling and feeling like I’ve done something wrong, and also a little disappointed with the husband... can anyone help me sort my thoughts?

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I’m also upset about an inappropriate comment he made about two of my friends, I told him how I felt about that and he was really upset that his comment offended me, I’m sort of struggling to get past this.

My friends were comparing their thigh gaps and the husband said he would save the visuals to his w$&k bank. :-(

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I'm sorry you're in this mess Mrs Rubble. However, I think you're both wrong.

 

After getting together with your husband, you should have been stronger in your approach with this admirer. If showing him photos of you and your husband weren't sufficient to stop him, you should have been brutal. Or rude. Or blocked him. Whatever it takes to get him to back off. And all gifts should be returned - or binned if returning wasn't possible.

 

Your husband meanwhile needs to up his game. Have you told him how you feel? Perhaps a good approach is to say that the marriage is going stale and how could "we" fix it.

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Thanks for your reply basil! Yes he knows how I feel.

I have been quite rude to my admirer, he still persists. I should have never showed my husband the gift and card but felt like he hadn’t “heard” my disappointment over his inappropriate comment and I feel like it’s retaliation for that..not a mature or rational response I know. Feeling quite ashamed!

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I would have used the opportunity to mention that you appreciate gifts and cards but would rather they came from him.

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I believe you haven’t outright made effort to stop the admirer in his tracks.

 

Take out a restraining order if you are serious about shutting down unwanted attention! Take action!

 

Yes, your husband should be resentful.

 

And if you expect gifts from your husband tell him so!

 

Stop being silent. Have a voice and speak your truth!

 

You’ve silently made it agreeable to get accept the other guy’s attention by not saying MORE to stop it.

 

If you don’t want your H seeing your friends then tell him that too.

 

You two have resentments brewing in the M...and resentments ruin any relationship ship.

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@SB2 I don’t except gifts from anyone!

This was a surprise and I have spoken about my feelings.

@amazinggrace. You’re right I should have said something about this and tried harder to explain my feelings better!

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You can mention it again.

 

Personally I think it’s disrespectful of him to say he’s going to whack off to thoughts of your friends. I mean, of course he can spark it while thinking of whoever he wants to but saying it aloud is just being crass.

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You & hubby need to talk.

 

Did you throw the candy in the trash or send it back? If you didn't, you need to apologize to hubby.

 

When you apologize you need to talk about his comment about your friends & the lack of acknowledgement of special occasions. Early on in our relationship I explained to DH that I like cards & expect a card for Valentine's Day, my birthday, Easter & Christmas. He thought it was odd but went along with it because he loves me. Somewhere you & your husband became a bit unclear about expectations.

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I agree that you should block the admirer from contacting you after firmly telling him you're not interested and please don't send anymore gifts or correspondence. You should have told your husband that he hurt your feelings talking about your friends and that you do like presents and cards. If you keep your mouth closed nothing will change.

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It seems to me that you like being thought of. Nothing wrong with that. However , perhaps your husband is acting the way he acts because his wife continues to get gifts from another man. All you have to do to stop it is tosay to the admirer- look I am going to call your wife and ask her if she got gifts from you- guarantee that will stop.

 

as far as not doing gifts- I can tell you this, I grew up very poor. my father remarried and evil woman who refused to let me father spend money on his own kids- so from the age of about 9 onward I never celebrated Christmas or birthdays.

 

If it were not for my wife, my kids probably would not have either- not because I am bitter or mean but because I grew up not doing those things so I just don't think about it. Those days are just like every other day to me.

 

SO perhaps your husband has had a similar (maybe not as extreme as mine) but something that made celebrating "special" days non existent or non important.

 

I would explicitly cut things off with the admirer- tell him if he wants to send you a gift he has to clear it with his wife and your husband first. Then tell your husband how you feel.

 

good luck!

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He downplayed your relationship in front of the friend he plays sports with. He lied about the presents you gave him, to make him look neglected maybe?

Why would he do that?

Is your friend attractive?

 

He took a huge dig at your sexual attractiveness by telling you he was w*nking off to "visuals" of your friends.

Why would he do that if not to hurt you?

 

He sounds like he is harbouring resentment.

Seven year itch maybe?

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Why have you been receiving texts and emails from this guy for 13yrs! That doesn't sound like you have tried to stop it. For one thing you could have blocked his means of contacting you. When he continued to contact you after you told him not to you could have gone to the police and shown them proof that you asked the guy to stop and they could have paid him a little visit. I think you like the attention or you would do more to make it stop.

 

Your husband might just be crass or he may be passive aggressive and not buying you gifts and saying rude things about your friends is coming from a place of resentment he has built up in the marriage. Possibly he resents his wife receiving emails, texts and gifts from another man while she does little to stop it.

 

If his behavior is passive aggressive then you have that in common with him as you say you showed him the gift for retaliation over what he said about your friends. I also see you doing something else that a lot of couples do to destroy their marriage. That is not being able to focus on one issue at a time but instead bringing up every single problem everytime there is conflict so that nothing can be resolved ever. You started out your posts saying your husband is upset about your admirer but then made it about what he has done to upset you. I watched my mom and stepfather do that, mostly my mom. Anytime he expressed any displeasure over anything she would come at him with her saved up list of everything he had ever done to upset her. They got divorced of course. Not saying you and your husband are as bad as my parents but you're heading in the wrong direction. If the two of you keep this up in another 7yrs you will despise each other and most likely divorce.

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Doesn't sound like your marriage is on very firm footing. You have an admirer that you still accept presents and such from after 13 years, despite being married. And your husband is likely acting in a passive-aggressive manner in response to that. What do you want to do to fix this, or do you not want to fix it?

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I’ve been with my husband for 7 years, he knows this guy has never laid a finger on me and I would never let him as we are both married and I respect that.

 

He doesn't know this, he hopes this. And perhaps suspects otherwise.

 

We have (many of us I believe) seen cheaters act as brazenly or 'openly' to deflect suspicion.

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1. it is extremely difficult to have a restraining order put on someone. They need to show, consistently, that they are a threat to OPs safety. And sometimes that is not even enough. Actual stalking victims aren't even able to have restraining orders put out sometimes.

 

2. It's been 13 years, over a decade, that OP has told him to stop. Hes violated her boundaries and her wishes/consent over and over again. The fact that he persists has NOTHING to do with her. He clearly has an unhealthy obsession with her. She has NO control over what he does. This is not normal adult behavior. None of us would do this for this long.

 

3. If your husband is holding the fact that you have this "admirer" against you, that's an issue. I'm guessing most people will have others that have harmless crushes on them that come and go. If he's resenting you specifically for this, it's a problem he has to work out.

 

As for the other stuff, sit down and have a conversation with him about how you're feeling. See how he takes it in and reacts.

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Mrs Rubble... not laying a finger on you for some many years doesn't change this man's feelings.. his advances are exactly that an advance that you should have rebuffed...my guess is that he hopes some day things will take a turn and he will be in the drivers seat

 

It isn't your fault that this man has put you both in a compromising position and he needs to pull back..

 

While I see if this guy was a family friend then it might seem okay but he isn't.. he is a guy that is smitten with you and has to give you gifts on a day meant for lovers...

 

I feel for your husband.. if my wife was accepting gifts from someone smitten with her I would feel hurt..

It's good that you straightened this guy out by showing him pictures but you need to stop all communication with this guy outside of work.

 

Time for a talk with hubby.. make this right...

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OP: Did you continue to reply to his text and email? You should have stopped responding after firmly telling him not to contact you. If I were you, I would return the card and the gift the moment I received them.

 

Was your husband like that (never give you gifts) before you got married?

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Turning point

I have a different take on the admirer, and yes, my ex wife had far too many of these kinds of men in her life.

 

As a man, my first instinct is to defend my marriage and go confront this "admirer" myself. Unfortunately, I can't really do that on my own because even a very peaceful interaction leaves me vulnerable to all kinds of legal, occupational, and relational liabilities. I can't even take legal action because I'm not directly involved.

 

I could have intervened however, if my wife had asked me to assist her in shutting him down, and thus represented us as a united front and equal victims of his obsessive intrusion. She never did that.

 

You have never on your own applied a restraining order or human resources complaint to this man's behavior and have further alienated your husband by treating this as solely your concern. That kind of inaction comes with serious consequences for your relationship and may have a lot to do with why your husband has never felt like it was his place to give you gifts.

 

My ex eventually reached a place where she wouldn't open a card or gift from me. She had so cultivated the gift giving of other men I couldn't compete with her own grandiosity. Nothing was grand enough or expensive enough, etc. I'm not suggesting that you are in any way as disordered as she, but perception has a lot to do with people's silent reactions to us and your husband has been a witness to this inappropriate courtship for the entirety of your relationship.

 

Your admirer is slowly trying to breakup your marriage and he appears to be succeeding.

Edited by Turning point
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OP: You come across as enjoying this stalker’s attention. His behavior (stalking me for 13 years!) would have creeped the hell out of me, tbh.

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... can anyone help me sort my thoughts?

 

your husband is a control freak. tell him that if he doesn't change his ways that you will leave him

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Seems to me like you have a slew of issues going on and you and your husband both are out of line. You need to put a complete stop to this admirer’s advances. If he doesn’t stop when you’ve asked him to, that’s called harassment. As far as your husband in regards to this, I can’t imagine a man in this world being ok with another man sending his wife gifts. You shouldn’t be the least bit surprised that he didn’t like it. How would you feel if that were reversed - if a woman was wooing your husband? Regarding gifts, you need to let your husband know that you want the two of you to share gifts. It’s not about being materialistic, it’s about showing you care. As far as your husband’s comment about your friends, let him know he needs to keep his lewd remarks to himself because saying things like that to you is just plain disrespectful.

 

The truth is, it seems you and your husband tend to goad one another. Like it’s a competition as to who can piss off the other more by how much you’re desired or desire the opposite sex. That’s a very dangerous game to play.

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The Dude Abides

Hello Mrs Rubble

 

I agree that it is unwise and immature of your husband to neglect your relationship by not reciprocating with something (gift, special activity, amorous note, preparing a nice dinner, anything) after you have clearly established that small/special things mean a lot to you. And it was boorish, inconsiderate and hurtful to make the "wank bank" comment. What a knucklehead . I hope he can get the message and make some changes fast, and that he starts to treat you like a lady and like you are the most important person in his life.

 

I also agree with others who have said that you haven't done enough to discourage and resist the advances from this admirer. Strong words, tossing the cards in the trash, unopened, and immediately passing on the chocolates to others or throwing them in the trash. After a couple times of him NOT respecting your request, it would be time to raise the stakes and get testy with him. If that failed to work, I would give serious consideration to sending everything back to his house and making sure his wife knew what was going on and hopefully she would step in and get her husband tuned up and straightened out.

 

As was already mentioned, the duration of the persistence of this guy is creepy as hell and would really bug me if I were in a similar situation.

 

Best wishes as you work to improve things with your husband.

Edited by The Dude Abides
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