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I have an admirer and husband is unhappy.


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Old 26th February 2019, 3:31 AM   #1
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I have an admirer and husband is unhappy.

A man I used to work with has been sending me texts and emails for the last 13 years. He has also sent me valentines cards. Today I received chocolates and a valentines card at work, Iím guessing it was lost in the post!
Iíve been with my husband for 7 years, he knows this guy has never laid a finger on me and I would never let him as we are both married and I respect that.
I have been denying his advances for 6 years before I met my husband.
I bought the package home and showed my husband, he wasnít pleased, the look said it all.
I didnít ask for this and I do nothing to encourage him.

However Iím feeling a miffed with my husband as he has been meeting up with a good friend of mine to do a sport they both love and my friend asked my husband what he got me for my birthday he told her ďwe donít do presentsĒ I bought him a new wallet for his birthday and I gave him a gift voucher for one of his favourite shops for Christmas, he gave me nothing for my birthday or Christmas or our recent anniversary or Valentineís Day.. I donít care about material things but I feel like my husband has given up on making any effort to keep our love alive and I feel like rubbish for showing him my gift from my admirer.
I have confronted my admirer with photos of my husband and I. They both know Iíll never cheat on anyone, but Iím struggling and feeling like Iíve done something wrong, and also a little disappointed with the husband... can anyone help me sort my thoughts?
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Old 26th February 2019, 3:53 AM   #2
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Iím also upset about an inappropriate comment he made about two of my friends, I told him how I felt about that and he was really upset that his comment offended me, Iím sort of struggling to get past this.
My friends were comparing their thigh gaps and the husband said he would save the visuals to his w$&k bank. :-(
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Old 26th February 2019, 4:06 AM   #3
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I'm sorry you're in this mess Mrs Rubble. However, I think you're both wrong.

After getting together with your husband, you should have been stronger in your approach with this admirer. If showing him photos of you and your husband weren't sufficient to stop him, you should have been brutal. Or rude. Or blocked him. Whatever it takes to get him to back off. And all gifts should be returned - or binned if returning wasn't possible.

Your husband meanwhile needs to up his game. Have you told him how you feel? Perhaps a good approach is to say that the marriage is going stale and how could "we" fix it.
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Old 26th February 2019, 4:16 AM   #4
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Thanks for your reply basil! Yes he knows how I feel.
I have been quite rude to my admirer, he still persists. I should have never showed my husband the gift and card but felt like he hadnít ďheardĒ my disappointment over his inappropriate comment and I feel like itís retaliation for that..not a mature or rational response I know. Feeling quite ashamed!
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Old 26th February 2019, 4:25 AM   #5
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I would have used the opportunity to mention that you appreciate gifts and cards but would rather they came from him.
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Old 26th February 2019, 4:33 AM   #6
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I believe you havenít outright made effort to stop the admirer in his tracks.

Take out a restraining order if you are serious about shutting down unwanted attention! Take action!

Yes, your husband should be resentful.

And if you expect gifts from your husband tell him so!

Stop being silent. Have a voice and speak your truth!

Youíve silently made it agreeable to get accept the other guyís attention by not saying MORE to stop it.

If you donít want your H seeing your friends then tell him that too.

You two have resentments brewing in the M...and resentments ruin any relationship ship.
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:09 AM   #7
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@SB2 I donít except gifts from anyone!
This was a surprise and I have spoken about my feelings.
@amazinggrace. Youíre right I should have said something about this and tried harder to explain my feelings better!
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:15 AM   #8
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You can mention it again.

Personally I think itís disrespectful of him to say heís going to whack off to thoughts of your friends. I mean, of course he can spark it while thinking of whoever he wants to but saying it aloud is just being crass.
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Old 26th February 2019, 5:57 AM   #9
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You & hubby need to talk.

Did you throw the candy in the trash or send it back? If you didn't, you need to apologize to hubby.

When you apologize you need to talk about his comment about your friends & the lack of acknowledgement of special occasions. Early on in our relationship I explained to DH that I like cards & expect a card for Valentine's Day, my birthday, Easter & Christmas. He thought it was odd but went along with it because he loves me. Somewhere you & your husband became a bit unclear about expectations.
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Old 26th February 2019, 6:12 AM   #10
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Never throw away chocolate. They arrived at the office? Open them for the staff.

And put the card in the trash.
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Old 26th February 2019, 7:10 AM   #11
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I agree that you should block the admirer from contacting you after firmly telling him you're not interested and please don't send anymore gifts or correspondence. You should have told your husband that he hurt your feelings talking about your friends and that you do like presents and cards. If you keep your mouth closed nothing will change.
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Old 26th February 2019, 7:35 AM   #12
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It seems to me that you like being thought of. Nothing wrong with that. However , perhaps your husband is acting the way he acts because his wife continues to get gifts from another man. All you have to do to stop it is tosay to the admirer- look I am going to call your wife and ask her if she got gifts from you- guarantee that will stop.

as far as not doing gifts- I can tell you this, I grew up very poor. my father remarried and evil woman who refused to let me father spend money on his own kids- so from the age of about 9 onward I never celebrated Christmas or birthdays.

If it were not for my wife, my kids probably would not have either- not because I am bitter or mean but because I grew up not doing those things so I just don't think about it. Those days are just like every other day to me.

SO perhaps your husband has had a similar (maybe not as extreme as mine) but something that made celebrating "special" days non existent or non important.

I would explicitly cut things off with the admirer- tell him if he wants to send you a gift he has to clear it with his wife and your husband first. Then tell your husband how you feel.

good luck!
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Old 26th February 2019, 7:58 AM   #13
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He downplayed your relationship in front of the friend he plays sports with. He lied about the presents you gave him, to make him look neglected maybe?
Why would he do that?
Is your friend attractive?

He took a huge dig at your sexual attractiveness by telling you he was w*nking off to "visuals" of your friends.
Why would he do that if not to hurt you?

He sounds like he is harbouring resentment.
Seven year itch maybe?
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:21 AM   #14
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Why have you been receiving texts and emails from this guy for 13yrs! That doesn't sound like you have tried to stop it. For one thing you could have blocked his means of contacting you. When he continued to contact you after you told him not to you could have gone to the police and shown them proof that you asked the guy to stop and they could have paid him a little visit. I think you like the attention or you would do more to make it stop.

Your husband might just be crass or he may be passive aggressive and not buying you gifts and saying rude things about your friends is coming from a place of resentment he has built up in the marriage. Possibly he resents his wife receiving emails, texts and gifts from another man while she does little to stop it.

If his behavior is passive aggressive then you have that in common with him as you say you showed him the gift for retaliation over what he said about your friends. I also see you doing something else that a lot of couples do to destroy their marriage. That is not being able to focus on one issue at a time but instead bringing up every single problem everytime there is conflict so that nothing can be resolved ever. You started out your posts saying your husband is upset about your admirer but then made it about what he has done to upset you. I watched my mom and stepfather do that, mostly my mom. Anytime he expressed any displeasure over anything she would come at him with her saved up list of everything he had ever done to upset her. They got divorced of course. Not saying you and your husband are as bad as my parents but you're heading in the wrong direction. If the two of you keep this up in another 7yrs you will despise each other and most likely divorce.
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Old 26th February 2019, 11:27 AM   #15
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Doesn't sound like your marriage is on very firm footing. You have an admirer that you still accept presents and such from after 13 years, despite being married. And your husband is likely acting in a passive-aggressive manner in response to that. What do you want to do to fix this, or do you not want to fix it?
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