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Wandering Eyes Will Cheat?


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Old 3rd March 2018, 9:29 AM   #1
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Wandering Eyes Will Cheat?

My wife is always looking and smiling at other men when we go out or are travelling. This is not a glance, it's staring along with a big smile. Taking photos of her on a bridge, she's looks over her shoulder at two guys next to me, then turns so quickly to look at them she nearly knocks the camera out of my hand! Every picture is a guy and she's grinning at him. Sometimes she looks so intensely I don't exist. And of course everything is in my imagination. She cannot tell me in any stronger words how she loves me, but as she told me at the start, she looks at actions not words.yes,I'm a bit jealous, but I simply expect some respect. Is this normal behaviour and I'm in the wrong?
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Old 3rd March 2018, 9:39 AM   #2
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Her behavior is a little over the top. It'd be nice if she was more subtle in her visual appreciation of other men. However, just because her eyes may wander doesn't mean the rest of her will follow.

I'm loathe to condemn looking but ask her to reign it in because her overt ways are rude.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 9:47 AM   #3
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start looking and smiling at women
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Indeed
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Old 3rd March 2018, 3:03 PM   #4
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Thanks for the advice, but as she says, “she has done nothing wrong”. But the iPhone7 live mode shows exactly what is happening. It’s so depressing and it’s getting worse and more blatant. I can’t reason with a brick walll. Even when she sent me loving selfies she was watching porn!
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Old 3rd March 2018, 3:55 PM   #5
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This is over the top. She's disrespecting you immensely. I would be surprised if she wasn't hooking up behind your back with different guys...
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Old 3rd March 2018, 4:10 PM   #6
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generally when people start freaking out about their partner looking at other people, it means they're massively paranoid, imagining things, and on the road to being hyper-controlling.

While it's theoretically possible that your wife's eyes pop out of her head at every single man who walks past, even though you're right there with her, it seems... kind of unlikely? Like, that wouldn't even be a good way for her to pick up guys if she WERE trying to cheat.

On the other hand, "you're constantly looking at other men! you're disrespecting me!" sounds like the sort of paranoid ramble often stated by guys who eventually start smacking around their girlfriends for daring to make eye contact with a cashier at a shop.

I AM NOT SAYING YOU ARE ABUSIVE. Obviously not, I don't know you at all!

However, rather than turn to a forum where we only know exactly what you tell us (and therefore can't possibly tell you whether it's in your imagination or not) I think you need to talk to people around you who know both you and your wife. You say you have iphone evidence? Maybe talk about it with your friends and family, see what they think. Show them the pictures, see if they think it's normal or weird.
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Old 4th March 2018, 1:43 AM   #7
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Wandering Eyes

Thanks for the comments, and no i don't smack anybody about. I am a rational reasonable man. I have shown the photos to one friend who agreed that some photos show disrespectful behaviour,and others not. I am looking for objective opinions. My wife is intellectual, tolerant and in all other things a good woman. We have been together five years, and this has always happened, but seems to be accelerating. As for doing it in my company, as she feels it is not inappropriate behaviour, she does it as and when she wishes. It is hurtful and it preys on jealousy. On the other hand i am told not to smile at women not try to be alluring nor flirt.
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Old 4th March 2018, 5:24 AM   #8
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Oh so there are double standards! Nice.
It is disrespectful. I wouldn't imagine doing it to my partner.
Maybe she gets a kick out of it.

Looking for long is different than glancing, and no man needs to observe his wife (or other way around) observe other people with admiration about their physical appearance or even more than that, with desire. It is not a pleasant experience at all.

On the top of this, she is not just intensely looking at them. She is in fact trying to make a contact by smiling at them.

I would definitely not keep silent about it and would have a conversation with her about her behavior and how it makes you feel.
After you draw her attention to it see if her behavior changes.
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Old 4th March 2018, 6:21 AM   #9
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As for doing it in my company, as she feels it is not inappropriate behaviour, she does it as and when she wishes. It is hurtful and it preys on jealousy. On the other hand i am told not to smile at women not try to be alluring nor flirt.
Something is way off about this behavior. Sit her down for a rational conversation and point out that she habitually does exactly what she has told you not to do, and is not even subtle about it. Show her the iPhone images. Her behavior is eroding the foundation. It's humiliating and disrespectful. How much of this can a guy stand?

I don't have a solution. Even if you could get her to moderate it while in your presence it's not going to change the basic predisposition. Has she been doing this the whole time you've known her or is it relatively new? Personally, I wouldn't be able to tolerate it.
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Old 4th March 2018, 7:03 AM   #10
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There's wandering eyes and then there's wandering eyes and based on what you have described, it almost sounds like she's -- I'm speculating -- doing it on purpose. I'm not trying to rile you up. But is there something that has happened recently that you may not have picked up on and she's getting back at you in her own passive aggressive way? How long have you been together?

That aside, if I were with someone who did that, I would certainly have a conversation with them, a long conversation about boundaries, feelings, respect and manners in general. If you did that to her, how would she have reacted? Ask her how she'd feel if you did the same. I'd be leery if she said, "I don't care. You can do whatever you want." That would be a big red flag, as it's possible that she just doesn't care about the relationship. Or she could just be errrm a free spirit. You get the idea.

Do you have kids together?

Oh and be sure she doesn't end up putting you on the defensive during the conversation, accusing you of being paranoid or worrying too much or being too "controlling".
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Old 4th March 2018, 7:06 AM   #11
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Wandering Eyes

We have been together for almost 5 years, and yes it is eroding my attitude towards her. If she said, yes I look but that's all I would appreciate the honesty and deal with it. But telling me she does not look at men, does not interact with men and does not want men to look at her, nor that she smiles at other me, is all patently untrue.
She is 10 years ginger than me
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Old 4th March 2018, 7:18 AM   #12
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We have been together for almost 5 years, and yes it is eroding my attitude towards her. If she said, yes I look but that's all I would appreciate the honesty and deal with it. But telling me she does not look at men, does not interact with men and does not want men to look at her, nor that she smiles at other me, is all patently untrue.
She is 10 years ginger than me
I know how you feel.

Like others have said, show her the photo evidence. Have a calm and respectful conversation and take if from there. Be open and direct. Tell her exactly how it makes you feel when she does that.

See how that goes.

Does she have any friends that like you and her just the same? It might be helpful -- especially if you're close and trust those friends -- to share this with them and see if they can help her see things from your perspective.

But if all else fails, it might be a better choice to visit a marriage counselor and keep this issue discreet, between you and her.

One step at a time. I hope things will work out for the best.
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Old 4th March 2018, 8:17 AM   #13
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You'll get the "you're to controlling" speak but from what you've posted you'd have to be naive not to notice that.

You can't fix it I doubt and if she's that blatant I wouldn't be surprised at what comes next.
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Old 4th March 2018, 8:21 AM   #14
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So it's really the lying & the double standard that irks you. Have you shown her the pictures & asked her why she behaves in this manner? Have you told us that the looking alone wouldn't bother you if she acknowledged that she was doing so? Somewhere you both stopped communicating clearly with one another.
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Old 4th March 2018, 11:03 AM   #15
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Wandering Eyes

The truth would be good. Tried again to raise subject and she went instantly in to head holding high anxiety mode. All my imagination and will not look at picture or mini-video.
She feels we have perfect relationship apart from this issue. I do not always see everything but since I had the new phone it has picked up a lot...and I've been shocked. i was taking her photo taken in a tourist type shop. Unbeknownst to me a couple of guys were nearby me and the sound recorder picked up them telling her she had lovely tits, and was beautiful to look at. The film shows her staring at them the whole time. She must have known what was happening. But no, no guys, no interaction etc.
We were together a few months when she told me that she had an affair when married to her ex, who she said did not trust her! Now i start to wonder!
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