Am I nuts? I sanctioned my wife's affair

[lovesickhubby]

Would like feedback. I love my wife. I am sick in love with my wife. Nobody out there loves their spouse more than I love my wife. We have been married for over 20 years and...its been rough...but we are now in a great place. I want her to have everything. Period. Including the sex she wants. She recently met a friend of a friend on Facebook and I encouraged her to do whatever she wanted to. And she had amazing sex with this guy. He can do things I cant and he is alot of things she likes and I am not. I will admit, the idea of her having sex with someone else is arousing to me as well. I asked her to be completely open with me and she has about everything. Am I nuts? I thought it would be good for her and good for us to have sex with someone else but I think she may be falling in love with him. Thoughts?

[GorillaTheater]

Am I nuts? I thought it would be good for her and good for us to have sex with someone else but I think she may be falling in love with him. Thoughts?

 

You're willing to share your wife. It appears that you even got your own charge in sharing. Nothing terribly unusual about that; I understand that there's quite the cuckold subculture out there. But you don't want to share your wife emotionally. There's a poster here who apparently is: vodkafan. You may want to read his thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t238387/

 

Figure out what you want out of this marriage, and calmly let your wife know what it is. Either she'll be on board or she won't be. If she's not, I suspect by reading your post that you'll suck it up because you'd rather be with her and miserable than divorced and breaking free. Ultimately you may wind up being divorced anyways, if your wife can't fit both you and the other man into her life.

 

Personally, I think you've picked a sh*tty path, but good luck.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You're willing to share your wife. It appears that you even got your own charge in sharing. Nothing terribly unusual about that; I understand that there's quite the cuckold subculture out there. But you don't want to share your wife emotionally. There's a poster here who apparently is: vodkafan. You may want to read his thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t238387/

 

Figure out what you want out of this marriage, and calmly let your wife know what it is. Either she'll be on board or she won't be. If she's not, I suspect by reading your post that you'll suck it up because you'd rather be with her and miserable than divorced and breaking free. Ultimately you may wind up being divorced anyways, if your wife can't fit both you and the other man into her life.

 

Personally, I think you've picked a sh*tty path, but good luck.

 

Really no more to share..... Though am curious what he can do, that you can't???? I really need to improve my sexual repertoire (not allowed to watch porn according to another post, so better buy some books with pictures) after reading about all these men not able to do it for their spouses or conversely so good at it.....

[stuckinoz]

Would like feedback. I love my wife. I am sick in love with my wife. Nobody out there loves their spouse more than I love my wife. We have been married for over 20 years and...its been rough...but we are now in a great place. I want her to have everything. Period. Including the sex she wants. She recently met a friend of a friend on Facebook and I encouraged her to do whatever she wanted to. And she had amazing sex with this guy. He can do things I cant and he is alot of things she likes and I am not. I will admit, the idea of her having sex with someone else is arousing to me as well. I asked her to be completely open with me and she has about everything. Am I nuts? I thought it would be good for her and good for us to have sex with someone else but I think she may be falling in love with him. Thoughts?

 

You'd be surprised how NOT nuts you are.

Although, not sure if this is the place to ask that question. I"ve been poking around here for a few years & whenever someone mentions situations like this they are pushed out of the forum by those that have been hurt in the past.

You actually sound like you could be my husband.

 

Even in MC he said to the counselor.....I love her very much, I just want her to be happy. If that means that she gets sex from somewhere else once in a while & I'm aware of it - then so be it.(Yes, it kind of turned him on as well)

Before the question is posed to me: No, he didn't want to have sex outside the marriage as well. He just wanted me to be happy.

 

Lovesick: As long as your wife is comfortable with the situation & you are as well - Who's to say what's right & what's "Nuts?"

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You'd be surprised how NOT nuts you are.

Although, not sure if this is the place to ask that question. I"ve been poking around here for a few years & whenever someone mentions situations like this they are pushed out of the forum by those that have been hurt in the past.

You actually sound like you could be my husband.

 

Even in MC he said to the counselor.....I love her very much, I just want her to be happy. If that means that she gets sex from somewhere else once in a while & I'm aware of it - then so be it.(Yes, it kind of turned him on as well)

Before the question is posed to me: No, he didn't want to have sex outside the marriage as well. He just wanted me to be happy.

 

Lovesick: As long as your wife is comfortable with the situation & you are as well - Who's to say what's right & what's "Nuts?"

 

You're NUTS!!!!!!!!!:lmao:

[martini-mae]

When there are 2 consenting adults why does it matter what they consider the norm in their relationship?

 

Isn't there a name for this type of a relationship? Cuckold? Right. Maybe you should read up on it. Sounds like that's the type of relationship you're part of.

I don't think you're nuts. Those that choose ulterior lifestyles in my opinion are adventuresome.

Same as couples that swing. If it works for them then why is it NUTS?

 

You're one less divorce statistic.

[TaraMaiden]

lovesickhubby, it could work.

 

But it takes complete honesty, trust, commitment and maturity for a relationship like this to function on a level where all those participating are on the same page.

There is bound to be discomfort, discord, dissatisfaction and confusion.

but here's the thing:

if you decide to let your wife have sex with another man, he has to know you know, he has to be willing to talk to you, and you have to be number one in your wife's book. And he has to know that, and so does she. They have to be in complete agreement, and consent to this, 100%.

 

You have to have clear foundations, and a completely honest approach.

 

 

If you three cannot come to an adult, mature and fully honest relationship, then I see little point in continuing.

 

The other important factor to take into account is that by rights, you should also have your wife's blessing to enjoy the sexual company of another woman.

But please know this:

This is not a revenge, tit-for-tat, "getting back atcha" type of scenario.

It merely ensures you both have equal rights, liberties and responsibilities.

And that the liberty you are giving her, is the liberty you have every right to demand from her. But the same conditions apply to you, as do to her and her lover.

[Lizzie60]

It could work for you. I remember, with my first ex, I wanted him to have a mistress.. I didn't want to have sex with him anymore.. he was disgusted by my proprosition.. who knows .. maybe I would still be with him today..

 

Whatever rocks your world..

[WalkingOnEggs]

0/10 Terrible troll

[Shakz]

You'd be surprised how NOT nuts you are.

 

No, he's not nuts. In fact, he has none. His wife took possession of those some time ago.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

No, he's not nuts. In fact, he has none. His wife took possession of those some time ago.

 

No, she took more then his nuts...... Want to know why he thinks he is so bad in bed though.....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and not women telling of us of their wonderful husbands who do everything and are the most spectacular provider, lover partner, however they are feeling incomplete and have pushed them into the arms of other women, because they love them so much (sorry ccl, you don't count on this one, nor Lizzie60, who plain said she no longer wanted to have sex with her husand)......:laugh:

Edited September 14, 2010 by Toodamnpragmatic

[stuckinoz]

You're NUTS!!!!!!!!!:lmao:

 

:DWhy is it that if someone doesn't live by what others think is "normal" - They're Nuts? They're the crazy ones. They're the weird-o's? Maybe it's those that live conventional, puritan, boring lives that are nuts? Just a thought.

I think that humans will do what they do.........have sex for the fun of it. Been doing it forever, doubt it's gonna stop anytime soon.

 

The other important factor to take into account is that by rights, you should also have your wife's blessing to enjoy the sexual company of another woman.

But please know this:

This is not a revenge, tit-for-tat, "getting back atcha" type of scenario.

It merely ensures you both have equal rights, liberties and responsibilities.

And that the liberty you are giving her, is the liberty you have every right to demand from her. But the same conditions apply to you, as do to her and her lover.

This is spot on.

The train has to go both ways in this. If you are allowing her to wonder around, then you should be allowed the same.

Groundrules for this type of relationship are important. (sidenote: but not often followed to the letter of the law)

[Woggle]

Yes you are. You are giving up your self respect for a woman that does not love you anymore.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

:DWhy is it that if someone doesn't live by what others think is "normal" - They're Nuts? They're the crazy ones. They're the weird-o's? Maybe it's those that live conventional, puritan, boring lives that are nuts? Just a thought.

I think that humans will do what they do.........have sex for the fun of it. Been doing it forever, doubt it's gonna stop anytime soon.

 

 

This is spot on.

The train has to go both ways in this. If you are allowing her to wonder around, then you should be allowed the same.

Groundrules for this type of relationship are important. (sidenote: but not often followed to the letter of the law)

 

open relationships and so on and so forth....

 

Congrats and all the power to you.... Plenty of sites you can go to or steer others to also.

 

Again this is different and someone has been dragged into..... Yes I think he is nuts, but simply my opinion and the way it happens, which recently (or with almost every case on LS) is the woman proposing it as opposed to leaving the marriage.....

[stuckinoz]

Again this is different and someone has been dragged into..... Yes I think he is nuts, but simply my opinion and the way it happens, which recently (or with almost every case on LS) is the woman proposing it as opposed to leaving the marriage.....

 

Tood - I get that some people don't understand or want to understand an open relationship. Even if it's a modified one. It's not for everyone. But it doesn't mean that someone is nuts. Doesn't mean that the couple doesn't love each other either. It just means they're different & have different beliefs, wants, desires, etc than others do.

 

Lovesick - I have a question. Were you dragged into this lifestyle that she & only she wanted? Or did you go along willingly with your eyes open & now you're second guessing your decision?

[2sure]

I will admit, the idea of her having sex with someone else is arousing to me as well.

 

Open marriages, even if just on one side , are certainly nothing new or uncommon. Plenty of spouses and couples enhance an already good sex life in this way.

 

For it to work and actually enhance the relationship...couples that do this have to be completely 100% on rock solid ground as far as trust. love, and commitment to each other. It has to be equal.

 

I thought it would be good for her and good for us to have sex with someone else but I think she may be falling in love with him. Thoughts?

 

Clearly, you are not the couple described above. You and your wife are not enhancing a good relationship...she is looking for one to replace an unhappy marriage and sex life. Sounds like she had success.

[Chrome Barracuda]

To the OP if she got pregnant are you gonna pay child support for a kid that aint yours? and if she divorces you and run off with the new OM are you gonna pay her alimony? While she screws someone else? is that what you want for your marriage.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

 

Clearly, you are not the couple described above. You and your wife are not enhancing a good relationship...she is looking for one to replace an unhappy marriage and sex life. Sounds like she had success.

 

You see the uneven playing field. The OP said the following too:

 

I am sick in love with my wife. Nobody out there loves their spouse more than I love my wife. I want her to have everything. Period. Including the sex she wants. And she had amazing sex with this guy. He can do things I cant and he is alot of things she likes and I am not.

 

Does this sound like someone who will be seeing females too???? Sopunds like a cuckold and if that makes him happy, again good for him.... But this is not a level relationship at all. And you 2sure I do respect your honesty and openness about your past. You get it.....

[stuckinoz]

Would like feedback. I love my wife. I am sick in love with my wife. Nobody out there loves their spouse more than I love my wife. We have been married for over 20 years and...its been rough...but we are now in a great place. I want her to have everything. Period. Including the sex she wants. She recently met a friend of a friend on Facebook and I encouraged her to do whatever she wanted to. And she had amazing sex with this guy. He can do things I cant and he is alot of things she likes and I am not. I will admit, the idea of her having sex with someone else is arousing to me as well. I asked her to be completely open with me and she has about everything. Am I nuts? I thought it would be good for her and good for us to have sex with someone else but I think she may be falling in love with him. Thoughts?

 

Clearly, you are not the couple described above. You and your wife are not enhancing a good relationship...she is looking for one to replace an unhappy marriage and sex life. Sounds like she had success.

 

Ok - does it strike anyone else as weird that

 

A) The Original Poster has NOT been back since his initial post &

B) 2 sure - Where does it say that "Clearly you are not the couple described" How do you get that statement from his initial post?

I put his initial post above in case most of us have forgotten.

He seems to have gone along willingly....(or the best I can tell since he hasn't answered my specific question) .....I doubt he went along kicking & screaming.

 

The comments seem to me be split 50/50 on whether he is or not. Nuts that is.

 

Sounds like she had success

Yes & he doesn't seem that broke up about it. He's even encouraged it.

 

I think she may be falling in love with him.

This right here is why open relationships don't ALWAYS work. This is the risk you take. It's a crap shoot. OP should have known this going in that it's a possibility. Lovesick, seems to me you need to find this out, pronto!

 

Guess if he's reading & not posting he'll get that. Otherwise, we're just having our own conversation - Right?

 

BTW Cuckold is a level playing field. She gets what she wants. He gets what he wants. When my husband & I were in a similar situation - I didn't know what it was called. (longgggg time ago) I just called it a "Modified Open Marriage"

Edited September 14, 2010 by stuckinoz

[tornandmarried]

hey if your both comfortable with it why not....i seen something about this on the news, if u let your spouse cheat it actually may create a stronger marriage, cheating is normal, faithfull spouses are heros.....ground rules sound be implied tho...before she comes home pregnant or with an std, so protect your selves...just dont be too shocked if she does in fact become closer to another man and leaves boring old hubby in the dust

[Toodamnpragmatic]

hey if your both comfortable with it why not....i seen something about this on the news, if u let your spouse cheat it actually may create a stronger marriage, cheating is normal, faithfull spouses are heros.....ground rules sound be implied tho...before she comes home pregnant or with an std, so protect your selves...just dont be too shocked if she does in fact become closer to another man and leaves boring old hubby in the dust

 

usaully I try not to be SO CYNICAL, but read the OP and how uneven the playing field is. The only reason she'd stay is for the children, money or he doesn't want her outside a f-buddy...... This other guy has it all and the sex is way way better and he does things her H can't..... Really does he stand any chance????

[finding_serenity]

are we all turning into dogs with no morals at all? Wow... The world is going wild.yep, were given freedom,way too much freedom.

[martini-mae]

I am curious as to why Lovesickhubby has not at least made any more comments. Or attempted to defend himself. (very interesting)

Especailly since as I read this thread so many here are adding their own spin on things.

Such as:

but read the OP and how uneven the playing field is. The only reason she'd stay is for the children, money or he doesn't want her outside a f-buddy......

Nowhere does he mention any of this. Children or money. Nowhere does he imply that it's an uneven playing field.

 

Really does he stand any chance????

Each of us interpret what we read here differently. I read that this was a choice that two consenting adults have made & now he is second guessing his agreement in all of this.

 

It does seem that she may have crossed a boundary by falling in love with her facebook friend. That's not a good thing.

Honestly that's the only thing I see wrong with this whole thing. She may/or may not have broken their rules. Assuming they had any to begin with.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I love the cool "I understand and am looking at all sides of the equation" hip response..... I made those comments above because it is a simple leap..... Why does one stay with a husband who can not excite her anywhere close to this other man, and who he thinks she is falling for? He has in the OP shown his over the top devotion and love and then said he can't compete sexually with this other man, without explaining himself. Sorry but there is nothing more demeaning to a male then to admit this or face that realization.

 

So what does he have.... Well I simply stated there may be children (I don't know) and money or as said the third option that this OM doesn't want her outside a F*ck buddy, so she remains at home..... Maybe he's a better cook and cleaner too..... You know a better reason or option? Oh yea she's treated like a queen at home....

 

Yep I'm jaded......