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BF is "unsure" if he ever wants kids...


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Old 18th March 2019, 8:41 PM   #46
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I just have to say, as someone who has always known I do NOT want kids....

I disagree with the posters who say it's too early to have this conversation. In my opinion it's never too early to have the "do you want kids" talk. It's a fundamental compatibility issue.

For instance if any guy said he wanted 4 kids - that would be the end of "us" period. I have heard the oh you'll change your mind, the you'll change your mind when you fall in love etc.

Wanting kids has WAY more to do with goals, lifestyle, vision for the future etc than it does with meeting the right person.

Op wants kids, she KNOWS this. I have met plenty of men who want kids, and know that they do. She needs to meet one of them, not someone on the fence that might be convinced that a big family is what he wants - when he has had plenty of years to live, to dream ... And it's obvious that a big family has never been his dream.

The fact is it isn't for everyone. Hell, spent the weekend with one of my friends. She has one kid, just started college - and you know what she said? If she had a "do over" she would have never had a kid.

As a childless person, this is not the first time I have heard this.

A big family is a HUGE commitment, it's a different type of life. And it's not for everyone. I don't think anyone on the fence should be talked into it. They have to want it - something that is true to them.
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Old 18th March 2019, 10:30 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
When they are unsure, that means you are not the one why want to have kids with. Seen women stick it out too many times with a guy that ends up not wanting kids, so they breakup...6 months down the road he's having his first child with someone else he just got engaged to and he's all happy. Sorry darling he's not your guy.
Not necessarily true. It could just mean they're unsure of having kids with anyone, period. Doesn't always mean they don't want kids with a specific person.
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Old 18th March 2019, 11:40 PM   #48
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I am going to go against the grain here. You are 24. Are you certain that going into the whole "family with kids" shebang now is what you want? Wouldn't you like to try living life in your early and mid 20s first?



You have time, more than you think. Even the most conservative of research would give you at the very least 10 more good years - and that research was done decades ago. With current assisted reproductive techniques, you'd have a good 15 years or so.


I'm not saying you should stay with him, but I would recommend that you wait a bit and work towards some personal goals or tick some items off your bucket list before going full-steam towards family + kids. I know several women who regretted having kids as early as they did because they missed out on so much of what it meant to be in their 20s and young and carefree. They will never get their 20s back... but the vast majority of women can still have kids in their 30s.
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Old 19th March 2019, 12:35 AM   #49
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I am going to go against the grain here. You are 24. Are you certain that going into the whole "family with kids" shebang now is what you want? Wouldn't you like to try living life in your early and mid 20s first?
I don’t want them now. I want to establish my career by getting a Masters degree first. The field I am going into will allow me to work part time while earning a decent wage so that I still have time to raise children. And That’s true what you are saying about the science but at the same time, my chances of finding a quality guy will go down the older I get. Cause the best guys are the ones who are gonna be snatched up by the time they turn 30, and then most guys are attracted to younger girls :/

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Old 14th April 2019, 5:36 AM   #50
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Well, an update on the situation. We had a phone conversation about it after our trip, but he is being really confusing.

I asked him if his opinion had changed in any way since we last talked about it (which was about 3 months ago) and that he needed to be 100% honest with me. He said that, since I brought it up, he had been thinking about it more than he used to- no previous gf had brought it up, and he just had never given it much thought. That since then, he thought about many different things-- like financial considerations, how he could be a good father, and random things like what if he had a disabled child.

He said that he would tell me the truth, and that is that he is still undecided whether or not he will want to have children, but it 'not closed to the idea' of having them.

He wanted to know the reason why I want so many kids. I listed the reasons why I think it would make me happy and he kept saying how can you know what it will be like before you have one? Don't you think you should have one and then decide if you want more? And I said I didn't need to have one to know it, I just do-- and that he was projecting his own feelings about it onto me.

I asked if he was 'closed' to the idea of having more than 2 kids-- he hesitated and said that he just couldn't know because he wouldn't know what it would be like having only 1.

I told him that he told me that he "doesn't like kids" and he couldn't give me a good explanation for it, he said he sees kids outside and thinks they are cute and adorable sometimes, but doesn't like misbehaving kids.

I said that I was concerned about what would happen if we got married and had a kid and he decided he didn't like it-- that I was afraid he would resent me, and wouldn't be involved as a father. He said 'Do you think I'm the kind of guy who would do something like that and make you do the work by yourself? I always helped with chores and stuff when you were here.' I said he didn't seem like that kind of person as far as I knew-- he did help with cooking and cleaning which was nice. But I still don't know him well enough to know what he would be like as a father... you can't exactly compare doing chores to raising a child.

I mean I did see some things on the trip that worried me. He is a lot more tired on work days and less playful on those days... he falls asleep really easily when he is tired. (Which is understandable but if he has such little energy how could he help me raise babies?) He is thinking of increasing his work hours and trying all of these new hobbies despite that... because he wants to save up for a house. Furthermore, he is obsessed with technology like autopilot cars, voice controlled devices, he wants his future house to have a lot of that stuff. But surely that will be expensive and what if he doesn't make enough money to get all of that stuff and also take care of a baby?

I asked how he would feel if I said I never wanted kids. He said that would make him worried, because he might decide he wants them. He asked if it seems like his opinion has changed and I said it doesn't seem like it... and he says that he thinks it has. How can he say that but still be undecided? I just don't get it.
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Old 14th April 2019, 6:08 AM   #51
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I have 2 kids and didn't really know how I would feel before having them. Like your bf, I was 'on the fence'. It changed the second I saw the double red line on the pregnancy test - at that point, there was no way back, I knew I wanted that baby more than anything. Same thing for my second child.

Some people only know for sure when they're actually living it.

He's not saying he doesn't want any children ever. He's saying he doesn't know how to feel now, which is not confusing at all.

If you'd rather be with someone who already knows 100% and you don't want to take a risk, this guy isn't it.
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Old 14th April 2019, 9:40 PM   #52
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I am sorry about this, really I am. I am shocked at how many people I have run into who don't want children. And I ended up with a lot of them... The second love of my life has a daughter he doesn't speak to anymore but did not want more. The third who was/is the love of my life didn't want children and he continues to live with his mom, he didn't want to grow up in many ways like Peter Pan. The fourth? Well, he was very abusive towards me emotionally and verbally and said he didn't want children; then he rebounded and married a train wreck who had two children who he supported until she ran off with her lover, divorced him, married her lover and then divorced the lover/husband #4 about six months later. I have another guy friend who has been with his gf off and on for about 20 years - she wants them and he doesn't. But she won't have them because he doesn't want them. I think they are miserable together. I had a former friend of mine who didn't want them, then she got pregnant by mistake and married her long time bf. Their marriage lasted about 7 years or so. Barely 2 years later she married someone else, I bet that will last. *eyes rolling*

I am 44, it's too late for me now. I just have to be okay with it. It's not the most important thing. I think we are taught that it is. But you can't change his mind. Don't accidentally get pregnant by mistake to trap him, that will end up in disaster. Move on.
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Old 15th April 2019, 2:47 AM   #53
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I don't want kids either.

What 4 kids will do to your life?

Omg. You won't exist anymore, just them, it's all about them, them, them.



You will probably change your mind when you grow up.

It seems to me and from his perspective as well, he looks at you and sees a woman who wants kids regardless of who is the father.


How can he raise 4 kids, how can pay for them, how can he care for them!
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Old 15th April 2019, 4:33 AM   #54
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Originally Posted by b1a6 View Post
Well, an update on the situation. We had a phone conversation about it after our trip, but he is being really confusing.
Girl.... you need to slow way down. Again, let's rehash the facts here:
- You have only known this guy for FOUR months, and those months were long distance
- You are 24
- You are planning to start your masters degree soon - are you working full-time currently or are you doing your undergrad now?

You are putting the cart way before the horse here IMO. You barely even know this man. Yet here you are arguing with him about housework and finances and parenting?? My suggestion to you is to stop talking about babies. Date around, find yourself. Focus on getting your career to a place where YOU are able to support the large number of kids you want. Then revisit this. You may well find that when you start working full-time you might change your mind about having 4 kids...

Not "all the good men" are taken by 30. Not all men above 30 want younger women. Lots of my girlfriends got married in their mid 30s and beyond. Besides, you won't even BE 30 when you revisit this. You'll only be 27! Still a baby really.

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Old 15th April 2019, 5:56 AM   #55
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It seems to me and from his perspective as well, he looks at you and sees a woman who wants kids regardless of who is the father. How can he raise 4 kids, how can pay for them, how can he care for them!
What? Of course I care about who the father is... that's why I'm worried by my bf's ambivalence. If he doesn't ever become excited to be a father, having kids with him would be a gamble I would not be willing to make. I will never push my bf to think one way or another... I just wanted a clear and honest answer from him. Him being undecided about EVER wanting even one gives me stress.

And I don't necessarily need 4... at least 2 but if everything went well and our finances permitted it, and my body could take it, I feel like I'd want more.

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Old 15th April 2019, 6:00 AM   #56
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Girl.... you need to slow way down. Again, let's rehash the facts here:.....
I know that I need to establish my career first and that I will need a lot of money to take care of my future kids... and I will. I just wish that my bf could be on the same page about future goals. And yeah I guess I'm just stressing a lot about age because of what some jerky guys write on the internet. I shouldn't let that get to me. (I should probably spend less time on the internet )

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Old 15th April 2019, 6:12 AM   #57
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I know that I need to establish my career first and that I will need a lot of money to take care of my future kids... and I will. I just wish that my bf could be on the same page about future goals.
That's the thing though, it's not easy at all to "get a lot of money". In fact, it's a lot harder than most students think it will be once they graduate! I don't mean this as an affront to you, it's just human nature. You will learn and change a lot once you embark on a real career after graduation. There isn't any point in doing all the mental somersaults now IMO.

Once you have graduated and have worked for a bit, and if you feel you still strongly want many kids then, you can start to filter out guys based on that. But there's no point in doing it now.
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And yeah I guess I'm just stressing a lot about age because of what some jerky guys write on the internet. I shouldn't let that get to me. (I should probably spend less time on the internet )
Yeah, most of those guys are just projecting their failures. I wouldn't worry about them. One of my friends just got married at 37 to a great guy (he has a good career, they seem to be in love, etc) and she's expecting her first child now.

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Old 28th April 2019, 2:37 AM   #58
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So another update here. I couldn't stop stressing about it and I finally decided to break it off earlier tonight. It did not go well at all. He mocked me for being so obsessed about kids and couldn't understand why I was being like this at only 4 months together. He asked me if I would ask every guy I date if he will give me 3 or more kids and if I will break up with them because of that. I said I wouldn't ask that exactly but thought it was perfectly reasonable and mature to talk about future goals when dating someone new, and I would want to be with someone who was on the same page as me (at least knows they will want to start a family! They don't have to know the exact number..)

So he said that he was 'useless' to me and was upset that I wasn't willing to wait for him since he 'tried to change and become more open to thinking and talking about it.' I explained that it wasn't my job to convince him that having kids is good because he has to decide that for himself, and that the chances of him going from not being sure about wanting one to wanting two or more seemed very unlikely and given his reasons for not being sure, it seems like it would take years to decide and I don't want to invest that much time in someone just hoping that they will change.

I could tell from his reaction that he was angry at me. And I can understand that he would feel hurt and betrayed that I wasn't willing to wait... and since he's the dumpee he's probably thinking that he just wasn't good enough for me or that I never liked him or something. But I'm a little surprised that he wasn't more understanding of my side of the coin. I asked if he was just going to hate me now and he said "maybe." And he hung up on me.

This sucks, I was hoping for once in my life that I could just have an 'amicable' breakup. I just hope he said those things in the heat of the moment and that he won't actually hate me forever. If he was interested in starting a family in the future and wanted more than 1 kid I would go back in a heartbeat..

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Old 28th April 2019, 3:41 AM   #59
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lt's all a very easy thing to talk about like anything else we want or wanna do in life, when you first meet someone.
do yourself a favor next time and talk about such obvious things at the start before it goes anywhere.
lf l was looking and wanted more kids that'd be easy put on my date site page or brought up if l met someone somewhere and seems it's such a big thing it's be first thing .
lf she couldn't have or didn't want more l wouldn't even start something.
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Old 28th April 2019, 3:44 AM   #60
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Sorry to hear, but I think it was inevitable.

I don't think it's that weird to be upfront about future goals. I always talk about it early on (usually date 2, 3 at latest), because you don't want to waste time or develop feelings for someone that wants different things from you. Date 1 is just to see if there is chemistry and if you have fun together. But by date 2 you want to find out what this person's future plans are and if they align with yours.

Break ups rarely end well. Especially right after. But his response tells you everything and would confirm you are right to end things. I wouldn't let him sweet talk you into going back. If you don't know if you want multiple kids than maybe. But otherwise, you're just delaying the inevitable. I would encourage you to bring this up earlier in the dating process so you don't cause yourself pain later.
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