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BF is "unsure" if he ever wants kids...


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Old 17th March 2019, 10:08 PM   #31
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Well, I guess try it then. As long as you manage your expectations regarding having or possibility never having kids and decide accordingly. Also, on the flip side, imagine him posting separately on this forum. "Gf wants 4 kids, but I'm not sure I even want 1. People respond to tell him not to waste his gf's time, and he goes through the same type of mental gymnastics that he thinks it's worth a shot because perhaps he can convince you not to have them for his sake. That can happen also right?
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Old 17th March 2019, 10:29 PM   #32
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Doing this to myself because I have already been in a few relationships where I was treated pretty badly... I feel like I don't want to give up on someone who genuinely cares about me, treats me well and likes me for my personality unlike those other guys. I mean I guess it's a gamble but I feel like I should take the chance.

If at the end of 15 years with him, he is still telling you that he wants no children and he's more sure of that now than he was 15 years ago, are you going to be good with being treated well, liked for your personality and cared about--with no babies?

Don't lie to yourself in a feat of prideful bravado--if having children is a non negotiable item and dude is telling you now that children are his exit point, then it doesn't matter how well he's treating you now---eventually, you are going to be 15 years further down the resentment path with no way of making up the time or reclaiming your youth.
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Old 17th March 2019, 10:37 PM   #33
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Yeah but

But nothing.


No child should be created when one parent knows the other doesn't want them more than the next breath they take. Your "I want what I want" mentality will do more unnecessary damage to the head of the poor child.
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Old 17th March 2019, 11:47 PM   #34
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If at the end of 15 years with him, he is still telling you that he wants no children and he's more sure of that now than he was 15 years ago, are you going to be good with being treated well, liked for your personality and cared about--with no babies?

Don't lie to yourself in a feat of prideful bravado--if having children is a non negotiable item and dude is telling you now that children are his exit point, then it doesn't matter how well he's treating you now---eventually, you are going to be 15 years further down the resentment path with no way of making up the time or reclaiming your youth.
No way I'd wait 15 years... that would be crazy
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Old 17th March 2019, 11:48 PM   #35
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Well, I guess try it then. As long as you manage your expectations regarding having or possibility never having kids and decide accordingly. Also, on the flip side, imagine him posting separately on this forum. "Gf wants 4 kids, but I'm not sure I even want 1. People respond to tell him not to waste his gf's time, and he goes through the same type of mental gymnastics that he thinks it's worth a shot because perhaps he can convince you not to have them for his sake. That can happen also right?
Yeah I wouldn't feel good about that but I'm not trying to convince him. I'm trying to see if he will develop a genuine desire once he falls more deeply in love with me.
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Old 17th March 2019, 11:50 PM   #36
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But nothing.


No child should be created when one parent knows the other doesn't want them more than the next breath they take. Your "I want what I want" mentality will do more unnecessary damage to the head of the poor child.
Once again even if this man offered to marry me I wouldn't accept it unless he developed his own desire for kids....
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Old 17th March 2019, 11:57 PM   #37
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Because that's what you told me, followed by he's annoyed you're even talking about it.
Yeah for NOW he doesn't... neither do I. But yeah the fact that he doesn't want me to bring it up more isn't a good sign. But I mean what kind of relationship would that be if I was constantly bringing it up and getting into arguments about it... I can't imagine that he actually doesn't expect me to bring it up again once we've been dating for a significant period of time. So that just means I have to decide when enough is enough.
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Old 17th March 2019, 11:59 PM   #38
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Some of you guys need to chill. I'm not going to have children with a man who doesn't want them.
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Old 18th March 2019, 6:29 AM   #39
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And if he eventually caves in, will you convince yourself he genuinely wants them?

You would not be the first girl to be determined not to have kids with a guy who doesn't want them, and then ends up doing it anyway because she's too blinded by love to see the reality of it.

Time is precious. Even if you give this guy a year, imagine how many other guys you could meet in that time who might be far more family-minded.
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Old 18th March 2019, 6:43 AM   #40
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I'm trying to see if he will develop a genuine desire once he falls more deeply in love with me.
And that is the trap, so many women fall into.
He will love me so much he will agree to having 4 kids with me...
No, he won't.
But by that time you will be in so deep there is little you can do about it.
"I can't leave, I love him", you're desperate you get "accidentally" pregnant , he suggests an abortion or he resents you for trapping him or he just walks out... happy families...
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Old 18th March 2019, 11:02 AM   #41
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Some of you guys need to chill. I'm not going to have children with a man who doesn't want them.
No, we're not the ones who need to chill.

Unless you are sterile or celibate, oopsie babies can be the result of sex...
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Old 18th March 2019, 4:53 PM   #42
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We are only trying to save you heartache and agonizingly painful disappointment. Behind each of the stories you're getting here is a painful episode of us thinking a person we were dating or married to ... was going to change in a way that we wanted.

Didn't happen. Rarely happens. That's why you're getting a strong response here. The rule of relationships is take people as they are. Right now, right this moment. Now yes, there are some people who are into conscious growth and change ... but THEY are the ones into growth and change and they can usually tell you how they want to change, the direction in which they want to move.

Having children seems no natural, such a no-brainer to a lot of people who want to have children ... that it's really difficult to accept that this different human being we're dating actually has a different perspective and their perspective is as deeply rooted as ours is.

Now ... I agree with you on one point ... I think it's better to break up with someone when there's a profound disagreement like this ... rather than continually badger them. So as long as you're keeping breaking up as an option (I know that sounds brutal) ... then continue on ...

But then again, I think it's cruel to yourself to feel you suppress all your fears about this issue.
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Old 18th March 2019, 5:12 PM   #43
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No, we're not the ones who need to chill.

Unless you are sterile or celibate, oopsie babies can be the result of sex...
We use condoms and pullout every time, and due to my PCOS I only get my period like once every 4 months unless I force it with pills. So I'd say the chances of me getting accidentally pregnant are astronomically low. I am pro-choice and so if that happened I would probably get an abortion as long as it's in the very early stages, although of course an abortion is a horrible thing to go through and I wouldn't want that to happen. (That's regardless of whether I'm with a guy who wants kids in the future or not)
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Old 18th March 2019, 5:20 PM   #44
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We are only trying to save you heartache and agonizingly painful disappointment. Behind each of the stories you're getting here is a painful episode of us thinking a person we were dating or married to ... was going to change in a way that we wanted.
I know...
Well... given the points that everyone brought up, I think I should bring it up with him when we're making the final decision about moving in together. Even if he's "annoyed" by it. Hell, maybe he'll even break up with me once he realizes how serious this is.

I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me their thoughts on this issue. I'm still not convinced entirely that his feelings have more to do with not knowing he's with the right person yet (not knowing me well enough) or not feeling settled enough to have kids, than actually disliking children. I'll try to give an update in the future...!!!
Thank you

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Old 18th March 2019, 8:26 PM   #45
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