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Asking fiancee why pics of her ex still on social media


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Old 14th March 2019, 5:40 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by Lobouspo View Post
So last night my fiancee was ordering some stuff on Amazon and jokingly said she saw something pertaining to my ex on my phone.
The best defense is a good offense. She's been doing something she doesn't want you to know about with her ex.

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(Nothing of ex there btw)She then seriously said if something was there she would cancel the wedding.
Guilt masquerading as bravado.

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She still has old pics of her wedding on public setting on FB. Couple of people have asked about them and it always bothered me but I did not want to come off as insecure or jealous about it. This morning I texted her why she still had pics of ex on FB. Nothing accusatoey. Just a simple question. Anyway she got really upset and accused me of pretending to care about her which is hurtful. Is this a double standard? Was I wrong to bring this up??
Yeah, that "use a sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach is usually done when someone has done something they dont' want you to know about. That's her guilt in action--because why even bring up irrelevant people out of the blue unless they're on or have been on your mind?

She's up to something... I'd put the brakes on any weddings for the time being. People who haven't done anything suspect don't act like this.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:44 PM   #32
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At the very least, please, proceed with caution.


Do Not set a date! Put the stall on that one for a good long time.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:52 PM   #33
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So we had an argument about it. She said she planned to take them down but she's been busy and she said she does not understand why it's a big deal. She does have a busy schedule but I just wonder if she would have taken them down if I had not brought it up again. Anyway the pics are down I guess, but I dont feel any better about the situation.
Congrats. So the red flag is now reddish orange I'd say.

Oh but "she does not understand why it's a big deal." --> separate additional red-orange flag.

Did you tell her why? You had an obvious why in your post...
Objectively, how good is your communication (between you two)?
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Old 14th March 2019, 6:10 PM   #34
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Not only would I call off the engagement, I'd call off the relationship. For obvious reasons...
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Old 14th March 2019, 6:37 PM   #35
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Unless you enjoy drama and are determined to suffer years of misery, you would do well to dump your fiancÚ immediately.
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Old 14th March 2019, 10:38 PM   #36
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I'd be very concerned about her complete lack of empathy for your feelings about the matter. If that is how she is treating you now, it doesn't bode well for the two of you to have a respectful, mature, intimate and well developed and most importantly, a caring relationship. If something that I was doing (or failing to do) was bothering my partner, I'd definitely do my best to talk it through with him and see what would make him feel like his needs and feelings were being addressed. I wouldn't make accusations and ignore a stated need due to "being busy" and I certainly wouldn't have a double standard (and boy, when I read that your photos didn't even have the ex in them but were from a trip to visit her, that was enough right there to make me really wonder about your fiance, and also, how you can possibly go forward in the face of such blatant disrespect...why would you?).

Having been through a long marriage and well on the other side of it now, I can say that I wish I had paid much more attention to certain feelings that I had before legally binding myself to my ex-H.

I wouldn't marry her unless you are able to work through this in a way that feels healthy, because otherwise you are potentially signing up for a lot of trouble with her.
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:01 AM   #37
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So if you have any pics with an ex, she would call off the wedding. She guilted you into removing pics that an ex took of you, in which she was not even in. I actually understand that because those were pics taken in which you formed memories with that ex.

BUT...

She can have straight up wedding pictures with an ex?

I don't understand this at all man. Is this the same one that was sneaking off the bathroom to get privacy on her phone?

I would really think twice before getting married. If nothing else, I would get a prenup. I really hate to say that, but the fact you had to strong arm her into this, tells me she is leading the relationship and you are in her frame. Is she like super hot or something? I wouldn't tolerate this at all. The fact you even have to tell her that is concerning. Then to put a guilt trip on you, when she's the one being hypocritical? Manipulation 101.

You have to hold your ground here and I would really question if this is really someone I wanted to get into a state-contact with. If simple problems like blatant hypocrisy over FB pics lead her to throw a tantrum, what's going to happen when you two face serious life challenges together?

I hope this works out for you man...
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:15 AM   #38
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To the attic those pictures went in the old days, today you either delete them or archive and delete them..

How anybody can think previous wedding photos are appropriate to display while getting married to another is beyond me.
If we're comparing old to new, I think that FB photos which one has to scroll down through a number of years to find is the same as the attic. Whereas a photo of an ex in a frame is the same as using it as your profile photo.

A quick story: my grandparents never did swap over the photo of me and my ex for the photo of me and my current, despite the fact they'd met him a few times. But they were suffering early stages of dementia / Alzheimers. I was so impressed with my current guy for taking this in his stride.
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:36 AM   #39
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Maybe she just more so didn't like being told what to do? Unlikely.

Honestly ex pictures especially WEDDING pictures have no place ever. Unless they have kids together - maybe slight sensitivity for the kids, but otherwise honestly just shows the person is not over their ex if they can't even delete a wedding pic.
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Old 15th March 2019, 8:19 AM   #40
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Okay, so my original post in this thread said "don't be insecure" and "everyone has a past".

After following this thread and learning more information, I would like to politely change my answer.

I don't think the fact that old wedding photos are up is the problem. Like I said, we all have a past. BUT, if doing something so simple as clicking "delete" would make my man happy, I wouldn't think twice!!

The fact that it's not so "simple" for her is concerning. Perhaps she has a principle why she isn't deleting them, and that's okay, but when you marry someone (at least I think so) you should make your partner priority. That means doing what makes them happy UNLESS it compromises a part of yourself.

We can't erase our past history, BUT, if it's that big of a deal to delete a couple photos...then I would question what else she would hesitate to do when in your marriage REAL problems happen.
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Old 15th March 2019, 9:51 AM   #41
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
If we're comparing old to new, I think that FB photos which one has to scroll down through a number of years to find is the same as the attic. Whereas a photo of an ex in a frame is the same as using it as your profile photo.

A quick story: my grandparents never did swap over the photo of me and my ex for the photo of me and my current, despite the fact they'd met him a few times. But they were suffering early stages of dementia / Alzheimers. I was so impressed with my current guy for taking this in his stride.
I feel very differently about the bolded. When I divorced, I gave my ex all of the wedding photos (he wanted them and I didn’t). Deleted him from my FB photos. When a post divorce relationship ended in 2015 I went into FB and deleted photos. When I’m really over someone, I don’t want to look back at photos. That’s just me.

But also, photos in the attic aren’t accessible to anyone but the person who’s attic it is. FB is different for obvious reasons.

Last edited by greymatter; 15th March 2019 at 9:54 AM..
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:07 AM   #42
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Many would not even date a woman/man who still had pics of her/his wedding on public view on FB. "unfinished business"
Why did you want to marry this woman?
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Old 15th March 2019, 11:07 AM   #43
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Thanks for the support guys, I really appreciate it. Just to put things in some perspective, we get along great 95% of the time. She's does a lot for me and has a lot of pics on Facebook of us together. We have a lot in common and are compatible in a lot of ways. I just get on here and vent about the bad stuff. I have worked a lot through insecurities and issues of my own to finally really care and trust and love this woman. It hasn't been easy given how I had been hurt in past relationships. Wedding is four months off. I know this is a huge decision. I'm really thinking about seeing a therapist on my own to make a decision about this. I have been dealing with low level depression for sometime I think, and that is something that needs to be addressed as well. Does she have unresolved issues regarding her ex? Probably so, but I have never gotten the vibe that something inappropriate is going on between them.
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Old 15th March 2019, 11:11 AM   #44
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Did you tell her why? You had an obvious why in your post...
Objectively, how good is your communication (between you two)?

There should be a difference in your mind between "working through insecurities" and ignoring warning signs.

Just because you had some insecurity issues, dosn't mean you were WRONG to have them...
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Old 15th March 2019, 11:31 AM   #45
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would it be different issue if it was just an ex and pics of them rather than a wedding?
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