Jump to content

Handshake greeting and goodbye on 1st date


max3732

Recommended Posts

The last 3 days I've gone on 3 different dates and the last one was the most promising aside from the greeting and goodbye handshakes. We had agreed on a place to meet up and as we got close she immediately put her had out and said "are you X hi, I'm Y".

 

She was very bubbly and we laughed a bunch of times and I thought we had great chemistry. I walked her to her car and she said she'd like to see me again and even gave a specific date. Naturally I thought things were going great, but then as we approached her car she stuck her hand out again.

 

On the other 2 dates I did hugs and kisses on the cheek and came very close to a real kiss on the 2nd one. Assuming we see each other again what can I do to at least get a hug?

Link to post
Share on other sites

She set up the boundaries that work for her. At the end of the 2nd date if you aren't get super clear "kiss me" vibes, I think you can still try the hug, just keep your pelvis out of it.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

You can't "just get a hug". You need to read your date's cues, like sultry smile, hand touching, leaning in, putting hair behind the ear, strong eye contact, looking up at you, mirroring...all that body language crap. Learn it, analyze it quickly, do the appropriate move. There should be give and take going on during the date.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You can't "just get a hug". You need to read your date's cues, like sultry smile, hand touching, leaning in, putting hair behind the ear, strong eye contact, looking up at you, mirroring...all that body language crap. Learn it, analyze it quickly, do the appropriate move. There should be give and take going on during the date.

 

During the date I kind of thought we had all that. As we were walking to the car she had a huge smile and was laughing at a story I was sharing. That's why I was so surprised to get to the car and see her stick her arm out for a handshake.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Versacehottie
During the date I kind of thought we had all that. As we were walking to the car she had a huge smile and was laughing at a story I was sharing. That's why I was so surprised to get to the car and see her stick her arm out for a handshake.

 

Just like you make mistakes in your dating or panic and do the "wrong" thing, so might she (not that she is the one entirely responsible for what happens with this stuff). But basically if all of a sudden you feel like it's going to be more awkward than good, you (both of you) can default to what is safest (a hug, a handshake). Even if you like the guy and are physically attracted to him. I think also especially if the guy himself is a bit awkward or not bold enough to do it himself, you might just figure it can wait until next time (especially on a first date). Also (again!) if the venue is not the right atmosphere for it. If it's nighttime and there is some relative privacy, it's generally more likely to happen (bright light of day in starbucks parking lot not so much haha).

 

I think there is no reason to assume she doesn't like you. You can't judge the entire basis of what the relationship will turn into by whether or not you were able to get to such and such physical level of contact by a certain point in time. Every story is different. If she committed to another date and a specific one at that, follow up, go and see what happens.

 

And yes as smackie said above, get better at reading body language. I typically think it's better to kiss within the date rather than all the pressure of at the last goodbye. If she's into you, the signs will be there long before the goodbye and all you need to do is take advantage of being able to read them and work them some by creating a moment within the date. IMO this is preferable, less routine, more inspired/spontaneous and will bond you two more. Guys with good game chose locations and activities that will have the potential for genuine physical contact or proximity that will make it easier and a more likely environment for this. And then they work the moment. Trust me, girls do it too. Ok good luck max

Link to post
Share on other sites

There is no rule that says you have to kiss or hug on the first date. You have to see how the next date goes.

 

This woman is probably "correcting" from some previous dates or relationships, where she hugged or kissed someone too soon in her view. She vowed to not go too fast in relationships, so she came up with the handshake--at the start and at the end.

 

Nothing wrong with that. You had a good time, she sounds really organized and assertive, as you gave you a specific date for the next meeting. That's a green light of interest.

 

See how it goes on the next meeting. Definitely no rule that says you must kiss on the first date. And no rule that says if someone laughs and you laugh there must be a hug or kiss at end.

 

To be honest, there have been times when I have felt almost programmed to try to hug or kiss at the end ... and it didn't really mean I was interested. Hugged ... then walked away ... ten minutes later, realized, I wasn't really interested.

 

Report back after the next date or dates.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Some of that is cultural. In some countries you get into such a habit of everyone greeting and parting with handshakes that you do it as a matter of politeness. It is not strange to kiss and hug during the date, then still shake hands (warmly) at parting. You have fallen into the routine of making your move only at parting. It need not be like that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
As you were leaving did you have your hand on the hollow of her back guiding her out?

 

Don't do this with someone you are not in a relationship with. It's 1800s advice and modern women have different boundaries. Women do NOT need to be GUIDED when they are walking. ;) It's too intimate to put your hand on the small of a woman's back if you have just met. This is not good advice.

 

My significant other stuck his hand out at the end of our first date and we shook hands goodbye. We didn't kiss until our 4th date. Slept together on the 6th date and have had amazing chemistry (emotional and physical) ever since. That developed over the course of our early dates. He was not in a rush and he has good boundaries and told me later that he didn't want to rush me. Sure, I wondered after the first date if he was into me, but that was not based on any expectations I had of being physical or not on a first date, more of a general wondering since I was at the very beginning stage of getting to know him.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
The last 3 days I've gone on 3 different dates and the last one was the most promising aside from the greeting and goodbye handshakes. We had agreed on a place to meet up and as we got close she immediately put her had out and said "are you X hi, I'm Y".

 

She was very bubbly and we laughed a bunch of times and I thought we had great chemistry. I walked her to her car and she said she'd like to see me again and even gave a specific date. Naturally I thought things were going great, but then as we approached her car she stuck her hand out again.

 

On the other 2 dates I did hugs and kisses on the cheek and came very close to a real kiss on the 2nd one. Assuming we see each other again what can I do to at least get a hug?

 

 

She did what was comfortable for her with a stranger. You do not know her history--do not presume you know it. Rein in your expectations.

Link to post
Share on other sites
MaleIntuition

I disagree with the ladies on this one. They make this thing way more complicated than it is, boiling hugs and first kisses down to chemistry, body language and other vague stuffs. Behind almost all kisses that just happens, was probably a bold man whom made it happen. Unless you live in a country where hugs are seen as very intimate just make it a habit to greet your date with a hug.

Edited by MaleIntuition
Grammar
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I disagree with the ladies on this one. They make this thing way more complicated than it is, boiling hugs and first kisses down to chemistry, body language and other vague stuffs. Behind almost all kisses that just happens, was probably a bold man whom made it happen. Unless you live in a country where hugs are seen as very intimate just make it a habit to greet your date with a hug.

 

That's what I did with the other 2. With her she had her arm out as soon as I got close.

 

I really struggle with touch on dates and have for years. It's just hard for me to act natural and reach out and touch someone.

 

In hindsight there were probably some opportunities while we were walking, but I always get so taken up with the conversation I forget to try and do those innocent touches. Then when we're seated I can't reach across the table.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Versacehottie
I disagree with the ladies on this one. They make this thing way more complicated than it is, boiling hugs and first kisses down to chemistry, body language and other vague stuffs. Behind almost all kisses that just happens, was probably a bold man whom made it happen. Unless you live in a country where hugs are seen as very intimate just make it a habit to greet your date with a hug.

 

Well I somewhat I agree with you (although I think I'm one of the ones you disagree with). I would say that my advice applies to guys who are not bold enough to just do it. The guys that are hemming and hawing, unsure of when to take their moment, not bold enough, not experienced enough or just plain polite worry too much and make the first kiss awkward. I would rather have a not awkward one since it can be a make or break moment for both.

 

In the case that OP is this type of guy or that the date when down like that for him in terms of physicality, he does need to pay better attention to body language, gain proximity and start smaller. This will help him feel comfortable going for kiss as much as gauge where his date is. IMO.

 

Probably if you are a guy who just naturally understands the spontaneity (which essentially my post was about creating more of), you might not have ever been in OP's situation....or on the other side of it. When you can feel a guy wants to or expects to kiss you but hasn't created the spontaneity and is just waiting for end of date like it's a given or the moment will just happen, it's incredibly awkward and tends to reflect on the guy in the girl's mind. IMO, if he is not bold enough to go for it, better than to default to a general internal feeling of "no rush" and respect and boundaries, which at very least will have the girl wondering and being a little intrigued at the challenge or flattered by the respect (like the people who said they are with their significant others having started like this). During the date like i said will take the pressure off both people. While it's simple like you said, i think since OP doesn't understand why and is looking for an explanations, the various perspectives he will get of what is going on in people's minds will help him (hopefully). But I agree with you he needs to be more spontaneous.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Don't do this with someone you are not in a relationship with. It's 1800s advice and modern women have different boundaries. Women do NOT need to be GUIDED when they are walking. ;) It's too intimate to put your hand on the small of a woman's back if you have just met. This is not good advice.

 

My significant other stuck his hand out at the end of our first date and we shook hands goodbye. We didn't kiss until our 4th date. Slept together on the 6th date and have had amazing chemistry (emotional and physical) ever since. That developed over the course of our early dates. He was not in a rush and he has good boundaries and told me later that he didn't want to rush me. Sure, I wondered after the first date if he was into me, but that was not based on any expectations I had of being physical or not on a first date, more of a general wondering since I was at the very beginning stage of getting to know him.

Different strokes for different folks. This has been done to me, and I didn't find it too intimate. I guess in my generation, it's what gentlemen do...but softly, a light touch, nothing about threatening personal space. IMO modern women shouldn't be so shut down about a man trying to be a man that likes to take the lead. I feel sorry for guys these days...it's no wonder men are confused in what is right, wrong, and whatever in between.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Different strokes for different folks. This has been done to me, and I didn't find it too intimate. I guess in my generation, it's what gentlemen do...but softly, a light touch, nothing about threatening personal space. IMO modern women shouldn't be so shut down about a man trying to be a man that likes to take the lead. I feel sorry for guys these days...it's no wonder men are confused in what is right, wrong, and whatever in between.

 

Can you spell it out for me as if I'm a 5 year old? Usually my date will be talking and just walking along next to me. When exactly do I do the light touch? When we need to change direction like when crossing the street?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hugs are a touchy subject for some, others a hug is like a handshake.

 

I used to hug everyone when i was younger to try to get past being shy and trying to push through my anxiety i suffer from. It helped dramatically, though i noticed when i hugged some guys it was more of a "feel" for them and it gave me a dirty sensation of being used.

 

Some women have morals and principals different than the modern norm.

Some women don't like too much touching unless they are more intimate and know your intentions.

I have met some people where sex was like a handshake or something they did when they were bored.

 

everyone has a different standard of living. if she was bubbly it could have been nerves from a promising date. If a woman respects herself and respects you sometimes they will want to move slow so as to not mess anything up.

 

I hope it all works out :D

Link to post
Share on other sites
When exactly do I do the light touch? When we need to change direction like when crossing the street?

 

that is a perfect time actually! like if you are rushing across the street smile, gently grab her hand and go across the street.

 

its good to read her body language too like was mentioned earlier in the thread.

 

a good example of closed body language is crossed arms, crossed legs, covering stomach or chest, covering the mouth or face with a hand or fingers.

 

check to see how often she makes solid eye contact, how she looks at you, if her eyes drift down to your body or lips.

 

sometimes she might be looking at how you dress?

 

its best to let these things flow naturally, most people can tell when you force actions or if it just happens naturally.

 

a friend once told me this advice, and i really liked it.

 

"women are a lot like cats, let the cat come to you, don't go to the cat"

 

in that sense with progression you will not break boundaries or scare her away.

 

if she pulls away, keeps you at arms-length while standing or walking, turns her head if you go to lean in or backs away she is not ready for a kiss.

 

a good friend of mine were progressing before i moved out of state. he was very courteous, somewhat old fashioned; he himself was shy too.

 

It does not hurt to have some common courtesy, if done in the right manner it can be flattering. check to see how independent she is, start by opening doors for her, before crossing the street you can hold your hand out and say "may i?" or you can slip your arm under hers at the elbow and give her your biggest most natural, kind-hearted, fun loving smile as you do so. You might catch her off guard.

 

the more you do things like this you may be able to lean in and kiss the back of her hand at the end of a date :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Different strokes for different folks. This has been done to me, and I didn't find it too intimate. I guess in my generation, it's what gentlemen do...but softly, a light touch, nothing about threatening personal space. IMO modern women shouldn't be so shut down about a man trying to be a man that likes to take the lead. I feel sorry for guys these days...it's no wonder men are confused in what is right, wrong, and whatever in between.

 

I completely agree that it's confusing for men, especially when given such advice, by women no less, to take every opportunity to intimately touch a stranger. Not sure what generation you belong to but it's very out of date advice. That's just my opinion, of course. The OP and other men will likely follow your advice, sadly, to touch a woman who is new to them at every opportunity, rather than having it be an organic thing that happens between two people who are actually attracted to one another and take the time to find that out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do not understand why this is such a big deal? It was only the first date, before I met my boyfriend I was in the dating game for three years and rarely kissed on the first date...it was just my own personal boundary.

 

If she was offering a handshake on the second date then you can be bit hmm but come on.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Can you spell it out for me as if I'm a 5 year old? Usually my date will be talking and just walking along next to me. When exactly do I do the light touch? When we need to change direction like when crossing the street?

 

 

There's no exact or when but dozens of reasons and opportunities to touch at almost anytime.

Walkings great you can be close , couches, driving, anytime, just don't be an octopus.

Her hand shake was probably just saying it was nice thanks very much maybe more next time we see.

 

l like her that was nice , l'd respect that far more than her jumping on you or into the nearest bed she ain't that stoopid.

See how the next one goes , and touch !!

Link to post
Share on other sites
MaleIntuition
Well I somewhat I agree with you (although I think I'm one of the ones you disagree with). I would say that my advice applies to guys who are not bold enough to just do it. The guys that are hemming and hawing, unsure of when to take their moment, not bold enough, not experienced enough or just plain polite worry too much and make the first kiss awkward. I would rather have a not awkward one since it can be a make or break moment for both.

 

In the case that OP is this type of guy or that the date when down like that for him in terms of physicality, he does need to pay better attention to body language, gain proximity and start smaller. This will help him feel comfortable going for kiss as much as gauge where his date is. IMO.

 

Probably if you are a guy who just naturally understands the spontaneity (which essentially my post was about creating more of), you might not have ever been in OP's situation....or on the other side of it. When you can feel a guy wants to or expects to kiss you but hasn't created the spontaneity and is just waiting for end of date like it's a given or the moment will just happen, it's incredibly awkward and tends to reflect on the guy in the girl's mind. IMO, if he is not bold enough to go for it, better than to default to a general internal feeling of "no rush" and respect and boundaries, which at very least will have the girl wondering and being a little intrigued at the challenge or flattered by the respect (like the people who said they are with their significant others having started like this). During the date like i said will take the pressure off both people. While it's simple like you said, i think since OP doesn't understand why and is looking for an explanations, the various perspectives he will get of what is going on in people's minds will help him (hopefully). But I agree with you he needs to be more spontaneous.

 

I get what you are saying, but the problem with the no-rush strategy is that you will easily fall into the looking-for-the-perfect-moment-trap, and that moment may never happen. Furthermore, the more we like someone, the more perfect the moment has to be. Early on, it’s simply less at stake, and therefore easier to be bold. It might sound counterintuitive, but at the end of the day it’s about avoiding the Madonna/whore-complex and moving the relationship towards a romantic one; and it all starts with a hug ?.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're overthinking it. She wants to see you again, smiled a lot, go for it.

 

Don't rush or force physical stuff. I never want to kiss on the first date. Hand on my back will creep me out. Especially if I'm comfortable with a handshake. I don't get why touchy freely is so crucial when you've just met. A few dates in, sure.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

A hand shake for hello and goodbye? hahaha

 

Good luck with this woman! I would say she is rigid and has very strict boundaries. It was a date and she acted like it was a business meeting.

 

Guess you could give her a 2nd date and see if she loosens up at all, I am guessing not.

 

I would not date someone like this for very long, if you get the handshake on the 2nd date I would write her off. If she likes you and can't give a hug at greeting and goodbye then I would not be bothered with her anymore.

 

She will be the type of woman who has you jumping through hoops and passing tests all the time.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I get what you are saying, but the problem with the no-rush strategy is that you will easily fall into the looking-for-the-perfect-moment-trap, and that moment may never happen. Furthermore, the more we like someone, the more perfect the moment has to be. Early on, it’s simply less at stake, and therefore easier to be bold. It might sound counterintuitive, but at the end of the day it’s about avoiding the Madonna/whore-complex and moving the relationship towards a romantic one; and it all starts with a hug ?.

 

 

Its only first date and you are already worrying about the Madonna/wh*re complex... Really????

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...