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Having a bf who is insanely jealous and who tries to control you


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Old 8th March 2018, 9:03 AM   #61
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money rules this situation and it isnt ideal to have a relationship that way.....it is his house and houses have rules......heads of houses make them.....if you cant follow the rules....or agree with them or compromise to suit...then you arent compatible....

he is over the top....i sort of understand how he feels about no males in the house if he isnt there....if you look at it its for your own safety as well....and the fact that guy you want the brother from another mother is also in a relationship....why would he be with you when he should be ...elsewhere with the woman he is in a relationship with....


when i was with my ex i would have opposite sex friends stay at my home when he was away at work.if they had no where to go or they were just visiting....the visits were short..........i also however had my sister and my mum and my kids..and a dog with me not just any dog....lol...normally a protective rottie or a ridgeback...or some huge bitser.......even when i sat on the couch...a big dog would sit at my feet...while i chatted to a guy....or at the table drinking coffee.... bored by the convos.... the dog would lie across my feet and snore .....or a cat would jump up and just sit and stare at them....freak them out a little........i was never alone with a man friend.....my ex trusted me....he didnt however...trust other men....i dont blame your bf for being unsure...


i do think that placing cameras everywhere ...its time for you to go....a relationship with no trust...is no relationship at all...buy second hand shoes.....eat ramen noodles....get a cute little place of your own..and be who you are you will feel you can make your own choices in life..and you will be happy..and good luck i hope you get your degree........deb
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Old 8th March 2018, 12:30 PM   #62
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Yes, I understand what everyone is saying, but I love my bf and we are currently trying to work this out. He seems to be willing to compromise and change. Why would I leave him now when we’re right in the middle of trying to make this work?

I honestly think that once he gets to know Marc, he’ll be able to trust me. I just think he feels threatened because Marc is an unknown variable, and he’s probably imagining the worst about him. I also think meeting Marc’s gf will also be a big help, for obvious reasons.

We’re all going to meet up tonite and do something. I’m a bit scared about it, but at the same time I have a good feeling about it.
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Old 8th March 2018, 12:44 PM   #63
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Why would I leave him now when we’re right in the middle of trying to make this work?
Because even in the unlikely event he does change, you’ll resent the fact that you never got to live the life of a normal college student. You should be having fun and doing the things you are doing. I wouldn’t like it if I were him either. He should realize that a serious relationship with a college student isn’t a good idea. But he should just end it, not imprison you. I don’t think the relationship is fair to either of you.
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Old 8th March 2018, 2:37 PM   #64
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Yes, I understand what everyone is saying, but I love my bf and we are currently trying to work this out. He seems to be willing to compromise and change. Why would I leave him now when we’re right in the middle of trying to make this work?

I honestly think that once he gets to know Marc, he’ll be able to trust me. I just think he feels threatened because Marc is an unknown variable, and he’s probably imagining the worst about him. I also think meeting Marc’s gf will also be a big help, for obvious reasons.

We’re all going to meet up tonite and do something. I’m a bit scared about it, but at the same time I have a good feeling about it.
Regardless of whether he sees Marc as a threat, or whether they become best friends...

NOBODY has the right to tell you what to wear, how much to spend, how to have sex, who you are allowed to invite into your home, or anything more... this kind of behavior is entitled, controlling, and absolutely unacceptable.

Unfortunately, it seems that you are unwilling to head the advice of those who have gone before you... you seem intent to learn this lesson the hard way. Just - don't waste too much time on this guy or this unhealthy relationship... someday, you will look back and think "Wow, I missed out on so many good things because I did not let this go..."

Healthy relationships, are not this hard.
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:16 PM   #65
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It's not that I'm not listening to everyone here, it's just that most of the advice seems to be just leave him. But the whole reason I posted here is to see what could be done to save this relationship. I mean, other than his controlling issues he is honeslty the best bf I ever had. And we've invested a lot of time in our relationship and I know both of us are deeply in love with each other. I just couldn't see leaving him already, especially now that we're finally trying to work things out. But don't worry. I've already decided that if he continues with his controlling crap I will leave him. I think having the neighbor spying on me was the last straw.

You also have to understand that I'm financially dependent on him, so it would really be difficult for me to just leave, like that. Not that I couldn't make it happen, but it would be difficult. I might even have to drop out of school for awhile in order to make it happen.

But I do understand that he has no right to try and control me the way he does. I get it. I won't allow it to continue. Although I can understand why he bitches about my spending sometimes. I admit it's gotten a bit out of control lately, but I'm working on that and am willing to make efforts in that area, as long as he also works on his issues.
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:54 PM   #66
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It's not that I'm not listening to everyone here, it's just that most of the advice seems to be just leave him. But the whole reason I posted here is to see what could be done to save this relationship. I mean, other than his controlling issues he is honeslty the best bf I ever had. And we've invested a lot of time in our relationship and I know both of us are deeply in love with each other. I just couldn't see leaving him already, especially now that we're finally trying to work things out. But don't worry. I've already decided that if he continues with his controlling crap I will leave him. I think having the neighbor spying on me was the last straw.

You also have to understand that I'm financially dependent on him, so it would really be difficult for me to just leave, like that. Not that I couldn't make it happen, but it would be difficult. I might even have to drop out of school for awhile in order to make it happen.

But I do understand that he has no right to try and control me the way he does. I get it. I won't allow it to continue. Although I can understand why he bitches about my spending sometimes. I admit it's gotten a bit out of control lately, but I'm working on that and am willing to make efforts in that area, as long as he also works on his issues.
You need to leave NOW but you will leave in your own time and you definitely will. It's just a matter of time.

He will change but enough to keep you reeled in and go back to his real personality. Unfortunately it's not "curable", even if he wants to tries.

I wouldn't be surprised if another guy just comes in your life and you see complete difference between the two guys and have a realization to do the right thing by you.

You are minimizing the negatives because you are in the situation.Once out, you will see what we all are seeing.
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Old 8th March 2018, 5:26 PM   #67
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It's just that most of the advice seems to be just leave him. But the whole reason I posted here is to see what could be done to save this relationship. I mean, other than his controlling issues he is honeslty the best bf I ever had. And we've invested a lot of time in our relationship and I know both of us are deeply in love with each other. I just couldn't see leaving him already, especially now that we're finally trying to work things out.

You also have to understand that I'm financially dependent on him, so it would really be difficult for me to just leave, like that. Not that I couldn't make it happen, but it would be difficult. I might even have to drop out of school for awhile in order to make it happen.
I know it's difficult, because of the finances. I would still have no problem taking a semester off school to leave this guy (this for a person with a strong academic background). I would move home. I would move in with a friend. I would do just about anything...

You are not ready to leave. That much is clear. If most of the advice here is that you should leave this guy, there is good reason for that. This kind of behavior doesn't change... It only gets worse.

If this really is the best boyfriend that you've had, then that makes me very sad for you... because you really have no idea what love really is. I'm curious, what was your model growing up? We're your parents together, and did they have a good relationship?

My friend, I'm old and wise... Trust me when I say, this isn't love. Love doesn't hurt. It doesn't control. With love, there is trust. There is no prize for the person who stays the longest... the person who perseveres. Just wasted time that could have been spent enjoying your college experience, enjoying your friends, dating a man who treats you well. Don't waste too much time.

Last edited by BaileyB; 8th March 2018 at 5:40 PM..
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Old 8th March 2018, 6:05 PM   #68
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It's not that I'm not listening to everyone here, it's just that most of the advice seems to be just leave him. But the whole reason I posted here is to see what could be done to save this relationship. I mean, other than his controlling issues he is honeslty the best bf I ever had. And we've invested a lot of time in our relationship and I know both of us are deeply in love with each other. I just couldn't see leaving him already, especially now that we're finally trying to work things out. But don't worry. I've already decided that if he continues with his controlling crap I will leave him. I think having the neighbor spying on me was the last straw.

You also have to understand that I'm financially dependent on him, so it would really be difficult for me to just leave, like that. Not that I couldn't make it happen, but it would be difficult. I might even have to drop out of school for awhile in order to make it happen.

But I do understand that he has no right to try and control me the way he does. I get it. I won't allow it to continue. Although I can understand why he bitches about my spending sometimes. I admit it's gotten a bit out of control lately, but I'm working on that and am willing to make efforts in that area, as long as he also works on his issues.
why do you love him? seriously.....what makes you want to stay....deb
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Old 8th March 2018, 10:17 PM   #69
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First, my bf has never hit me. He's not violent. I know he's controlling and a bit too jealous, but he would never hit me. That much I'm sure of. He can have a bad temper sometimes, but it never gets to the point of being physical.
This doesn't make it any less of a serious concern.

If he owns the house, there is nothing keeping you there.

I can't possibly help you through this relationship, I think the only option is to leave.
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Old 8th March 2018, 11:15 PM   #70
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Not partying. Um, really? You "study" and drink. All day. Regularly. That's partying. Funny how these "study groups" don't include much studying, but Marc is there for "only" a FEW HOURS alone, and in a bikini in a hot tub. It's sketchy, sorry. This guy is a controlling manipulative jerk you should leave, but you seriously need to consider your actions here. Even in a normal relationship with an non-abusive man, few men would be okay with this type of behavior.
Exactly what I was going to say. He is in the wrong, but so are you. I get it that you are 20 and it's normal to lack a certain maturity level, and that you want to get out there and enjoy time with friends during your time in college...But, come on, you are showing a certain level of disrespect here. This is not your house, you are not married (Thank God), having friends dropping in all day, everyday, using the hot tub, drinking, "studying"...You need to take a hard look at this behavior. This isn't a frat/sorority house or college dorm. While your boyfriend has a multitude of issues going on (and you should run far from him), you are also contributing to the dysfunction of the relationship as well. It may just take a few more years of growing up and life/relationship experience to see this, perhaps. This relationship is toxic and unhealthy.
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Old 9th March 2018, 7:43 AM   #71
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How long have you been with this guy ?

Irrespective of that, you are naive and he knows that. You can voice your opinion and he will listen but the controlling streak that he has, won't go away.I'm sure he is possessive as well. If all these ' qualities' were used as protection, that would be different , if he was dominant in bed and you liked it, it would be different but he is insanely jealous. And that jealousy comes from you being younger by 10 years.So he wants to control you so that you don't leave him.That brings to , him being insecure about you.

Is he any of this with other people or just you ?
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Old 12th March 2018, 1:06 PM   #72
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Of course he's being too controlling! I understand that he admits being controlling, he just says that your behavior causes him to act this way...

Now, let me understand something... do you hang out with friends, partially with marc alone, you and Marc in the hot tub with a bikini?! And you didn't tell him that? If my girlfriend would have spent time alone with her guy best friend with a bikini only the two of them, and hides it for me, I wouldn't tolerate it at all.

I would'nt put cameras of course, it's insane. But you need to understand - when you tell your bf, that it's you and your bunch of friends, while the truth is that sometimes it's only you with Marc in the hot tub wearing a bikini, he doesn't trust you. I wouldn't.
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Old 12th March 2018, 2:32 PM   #73
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Well, it is basically with my friends. It's just that sometimes Marc will hang out here for a few hours after everyone else has left. He lives closer and has a different schedule, that's all. Most of the time my other friends are here as well. So I don't think it's a lie to tell him I'm with my friends, just cuz occasionally my guy friend happens to chill there a bit longer than anyone else.

But actually, I think we're going to be able to work this thing out. We finally went out on a sort of double date and by the end my bf and Marc seemed to understand each other. They even have lots of common interests and seem to be becoming sort of friends. But regardless, I think my bf now understands that Marc is not a threat to our relationship.

The date didn't start well tho, and at first I thought the whole thing was going to be a big mistake. Marc was friendly, but my bf was very cold. It was obvious that he felt threatened by Marc. But Marc kept being cordial, and once they started talking sports I felt they began connecting with each other. And by the end of our date they were even talking about watching some basketball together. I was really happy about it afterwards, and from talking with my bf, I could definitely see a change in how he views the situation now.

If anything didn't go well, surprisingly it was with Marc's gf. From talking with Marc, I thought I was going to like her, but I didn't. Apparently, she was also jealous of me and Marc, and made little effort to conceal it. Eventually she seemed to warm up to me a bit after I explained to her that I had no interest in Marc as a bf and invited her to hang out with us if she wanted to, but I still detected some animosity from her the whole night. She also was a poor choice to alleviate my bf's concerns. She wasn't very pretty, and she was fat and even had acne. And she dressed 'goth'. I was even surprised that Marc was with her, and her poor appearance was not very helpful in achieving what I had in mind, imho. But I contained myself and was very nice to her the whole time, and in the end I think we understood each other, even if we didn't really become friends.

The next day I had a long talk with both Marc and my bf and it all seemed good. My bf agreed to never snoop on me again, including having our perverted neighbor watching the place, and I on my part agreed to try and cut back on the amount of time I spend alone with Marc. Not only because I'm in a relationship, but also because he is as well. And from talking with Marc, I think we have an understanding that he will be sensitive to my bf's concerns, and not say anything to him that could make him jealous.

I don't know, but it seems like everything is going to work out now. At least I know I feel much better about it.
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Old 12th March 2018, 3:44 PM   #74
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This friend Marc is far from the only problem here.

Guys like your boyfriend will always find another reason to be jealous and control you.
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Old 12th March 2018, 4:23 PM   #75
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Ah....at last, all is right with the world!
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