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Having a bf who is insanely jealous and who tries to control you


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Old 6th March 2018, 1:16 PM   #46
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I should clarify my response here, as my last may have sounded like I was condoning abusive behaviour (I am not).

1. Your boyfriend's behaviour is out of line and it will get worse over time. And it IS abusive--I mean, you already are scared of him now and rightfully so. Stuff like punching doors or walls is not OK. You need to leave this relationship.

2. You have some serious growing up to do yourself. You just cannot be living in someone else's house having friends come all day. (I didn't even bring up the fact that one of your friends is male, because even if all your friends were female, you plain and simple need to be finding more productive ways to be spending your time.) You are acting more like an immature teenager here than a woman living with her boyfriend in an adult relationship.

So this post summed up in a line: End this relationship, and then do some work on yourself.


ETA: I just went back and saw that you spent $1K on shoes and spend your afternoons in the hot tub at his place with your friends. We aren't allowed to swear on here, but my jaw hit the floor reading this.
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You'll thank me for saying that later.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 6th March 2018 at 1:27 PM..
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Old 6th March 2018, 1:29 PM   #47
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Sorry for threadjack but , Imajerk, why did you choose this username ? lol. I've always wondered ! Your advice is usually good , then why I'm a jerk ? lol
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Old 6th March 2018, 1:31 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by mikeylo View Post
Sorry for threadjack but , Imajerk, why did you choose this username ? lol. I've always wondered ! Your advice is usually good , then why I'm a jerk ? lol
Well I can be pretty bombastic and harsh sometimes. I've earned my username

Thanks for the kind words!
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Old 6th March 2018, 2:02 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
How old is your boyfriend? how old are you?
I'm 20. He's 27.
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Old 6th March 2018, 2:33 PM   #50
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I'm 20. He's 27.
I can’t imagine I’d be ok with my 20 year old daughter living with a 27 year old boyfriend while she’s in college. A 7 year age gap is huge at that stage of life. You should be living, and having fun with friends your age and enjoying college life. If not, some day you will wake up and start to really regret all the things you missed out on, all for a guy who by all accounts is emotionally unstable, and incredibly unlikely to change. I don’t mean to sound condescending, but you are 20 years old, and totally ignoring a lot of good advice from people with significantly more life experience.
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Old 7th March 2018, 12:32 PM   #51
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hi sgrinaldi, you are 20 he is 27...then I would definitely say goodbye to this man.


he knows exactly what he is doing and you are in the nicest way im sure not aware to it enough because you really want love with this man.


I don't think he loves you im really sorry but I don't. I wish I did, but I think you would be so much better to go of and have some time out from this person, split up and spend some real fun quality time with those people in your life who really do love you, whom you can trust who never let you down or treat you like their possession.


when you are laughing, fun, happier and open to meeting something that will be far healthier for you and make you really feel special or wanted (not like you have to keep treading around carefully or cautiously and you can just be you and say what you think and feel without fear or upsetting someone who is supposed to love you) then you will enjoy life more.


waiting for the next argument, waiting for someon to punch a hole in the wall or flare up because you also have an opinion and thoughts and feeligns of your own isn't what real love is about...control, yup....love....


no, you don't have love, you have someone who probably enjoys the age gap because a woman of his own age wouldn't take what you are having too.


cut free and enjoy your friends, someone better...MUCH BETTER will come along and will be only to pleased to treat you properly and with loving respect.


ok, that's me done. don't fool yourself that you are loved here, you are wanting love, and this man is not capable of giving it unless it's exactly as he says it should be given!!!!


best wishes, outta time.maxi
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:15 PM   #52
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Well, last night we finally had a chance to talk for awhile. I was going to confront him, but I didn’t have to as he eventually brought up the topic himself. We started arguing right after he got home. It began with him complaining about what I was wearing. That’s another aspect of his controlling behavior which I didn’t mention. But yeah, he also tries to tell me what I can and can’t wear. He thinks I dress too sexy, even tho I dress about like any other girl at school, and he says that’s inappropriate when you’re in a relationship. Then we moved on to arguing about my spending too much. After we argued about that for awhile, we moved on to the topic of sex. We’ve been having a few issues in the bedroom lately, which I won’t elaborate on right now, but I think it could be a factor in his behavior. So we discussed that issue for awhile, and then he started bitching about his usual pet peeve, which is my friends hanging out here.

He started complaining that he didn’t like a bunch of ‘strangers’ being in ‘his’ house, and then he started talking about Marc (my guy friend). He actually used his name and was bitching about me being alone with him at the house that day. I was shocked! I had never talked to him about Marc and my FB friend list is private, but not only did he know his name but he knew when he came and left! So he obviously had some outside source of information. I confronted him about how he knew about Marc, but his only reply was ‘I have my sources’. I eventually realized that with the cameras off, the only way for him to know when people came or left was to have his neighbor friend watching. I confronted him and told him that I was tired of all his snooping, and that I felt like a child being babysat, and that having neighbors keep watch over me was insulting and demeaning. He told me that when I grow up he would start treating me like a grown up.

It got real emotional then. He said that my friends should leave after our study sessions, not ‘party’ all day long. I said we weren’t ‘partying’, just talking and hanging out and maybe drinking a little bit. Then he started complaining about Marc, and it became apparent to me that that really was the crux of the issue. I don’t think he really cares that I hang out with my friends, it’s just that one of them is a guy. I confronted him on this and at first he denied it, but eventually he admitted it.

I told him that Marc was an old and good friend of mine who had been there for me many times, and that our relationship was strictly platonic. I told him that he had nothing to worry about because my feelings for Marc were completely different than my feelings for him, with Marc I feel more like a sister, while with him I feel more like a lady. Plus, Marc is in a relationship. He said he understood and that he didn’t think I was cheating on him, but the situation just made him feel uncomfortable. We then got into a long argument about trust and relationships. My position was that if you can’t trust your partner then what’s the point of a relationship, and that I trusted him and didn’t snoop on him, so he should respect that and treat me the same, unless he had a good reason not to.

He admitted I was right but he said he thought he had good reason to snoop and not trust, namely that I was lying to him, and he said that had he completely trusted me from the beginning, he would’ve never known I was lying. I never lie so I asked him how in the world was I lying. He said that he knew that sometimes when I said my ‘friends’ were over, really it was just Marc (again, obviously his neighbor is spying ). I told him that was not true, but since Marc lives closer than my other friends usually he’s the first to arrive and the last to leave, so sometimes we’re alone for a short time, usually no more than a few hours, which is the absolute truth. I told him only a few times was it just me and Marc the whole day, and that was simply because no one else showed up those days. He said that was ‘way’ too much time to be alone with another guy, especially if we were in the hot tub together and I was in a bikini, and that it really made him uncomfortable just thinking about it. I told him he was being ridiculous, especially nowadays when guys can see hardcore porn anytime they want with a click of their mouse, so what’s the big deal about a bikini? We then got into a long argument about guy’s sex drives and their ability to control themselves, and he eventually suggested that Marc was an ‘orbiter’.

I reminded him that Marc is in a relationship, and then he started asking lots of questions about him. That made me feel uncomfortable, because even tho I love my bf I don’t see any need to reveal everything all at once. We are in love but I don’t think either of us expects to know everything about our pasts so soon. I admit I didn’t give him any details even tho he pressed me, but I shared some experiences we had together, and why we’re such good friends.

Then he said he understood, but he still asked me if we could ‘compromise’. He told me I should at least turn the cameras on whenever only Marc was there, just so he could feel ‘safe’. I told him that was just weird, and I’d feel like a complete idiot explaining to Marc that I have to turn on the cameras now so my bf can make sure we’re behaving ourselves. Especially when Marc and I both know that neither of us are interested in being romantic with each other in the least. He then tried to make me feel guilty for not ‘compromising’. He said that any good gf would have no problem doing that for her bf, but I reciprocated by saying that no good bf would snoop and spy on his gf the way he does.

I then offered a different ‘compromise’. Why not just meet Marc? Then you can decide for yourself what kind of guy he is. I told him that once he got to know Marc, and especially his gf, perhaps he’d realize what an ass he’s been. And that seemed to be the key! He liked the idea and so now I guess we’re going to go out on a sort of double date with Marc and his gf. And I’m sure that once he meets Marc, he’s going to like him and it should help him to be able to trust me. They even have lots in common and I actually think they are going to become good friends.

I don’t know. It was ugly for awhile, but the way it ended it seems like we're now moving in the right direction. I even think we might be able to work this out. Yes?
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Old 7th March 2018, 5:47 PM   #53
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{snip}
I then offered a different ‘compromise’. Why not just meet Marc? Then you can decide for yourself what kind of guy he is. I told him that once he got to know Marc, and especially his gf, perhaps he’d realize what an ass he’s been. And that seemed to be the key! He liked the idea and so now I guess we’re going to go out on a sort of double date with Marc and his gf. And I’m sure that once he meets Marc, he’s going to like him and it should help him to be able to trust me. They even have lots in common and I actually think they are going to become good friends.

I don’t know. It was ugly for awhile, but the way it ended it seems like we're now moving in the right direction. I even think we might be able to work this out. Yes?
I think a fair compromise would be in exchange for the cameras, your boyfriend should get to spend some alone time with Marc’s girlfriend. Including in a hot tub with her in a bikini. No cameras of course.

I’ve changed my mind on this. I think your boyfriend has asked for this, expecting someone much younger to live their life the way someone his age does. Yeah he’s over the top controlling, but what did he expect given the circumstances? This whole relationship just doesn’t make any sense from either side.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 9th March 2018 at 9:07 AM.. Reason: snipped ~T
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:46 PM   #54
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Like I said before, these guys are great actors and know exactly what to say and when to say it. You’ll see — nothing will change. And don’t be surprised if it worsens. He knows you’re likely to leave him now and NOTHING makes abusers crazier than being left, or the threat of being left. Stay tuned.
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:48 PM   #55
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Oh, and btw, abusers will hate all your family and friends because the goal is to isolate you so that he has full control. Be very careful of letting him do that.
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Old 7th March 2018, 7:01 PM   #56
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The guy is impossibly controlling and has anger issues. I would not accept this in a relationship.

But you are using his home as a frat house. Not acceptable either.
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Old 7th March 2018, 9:38 PM   #57
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There is no compromise in this. It's a step to make sure he is incorporated into your world with your friends...in a normal relationship this will work. What he's going to do is make things difficult. The level of flak you get, you're going to start avoiding anything that will cause it, meaning you'll start avoiding friends and family.

He'll pitch a fit after the double date or outing with friends, while being pleasant during it. He'll bash you for something you said or a friend said, taking it completely out of context or you won't even remember it or weren't around for it.

He'll be sullen and moody during your outings, dates, and parties. Friends will comment to you about it. You'll be embarrassed and apologetic. You'll avoid gatherings because you can't very well tell him he's not invited.

You'll sneak around more just to get some time with friends when he's not around (girls/family), and with him tracking your every move, you'll have to stop that too.

He probably has a nanny-cam set up, sweetie. He has cameras you don't know about, and if he has the money to set up cameras, he also has the money to hire a private investigator. Neighbors are a great resource, but few people I know are that close to the neighbor you can employ them as spies. People don't want to get involved and they have lives of their own, jobs, and better things to do. I mean, is this neighbor a bored curtain scratcher?

Not partying. Um, really? You "study" and drink. All day. Regularly. That's partying. Funny how these "study groups" don't include much studying, but Marc is there for "only" a FEW HOURS alone, and in a bikini in a hot tub. It's sketchy, sorry. This guy is a controlling manipulative jerk you should leave, but you seriously need to consider your actions here. Even in a normal relationship with an non-abusive man, few men would be okay with this type of behavior.
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Old 8th March 2018, 4:38 AM   #58
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This is going to end in disaster, OP.

Keep your friends and family close. You will need them when this finally ends and your heart and self-esteem are crushed.

Not if, but when.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:33 AM   #59
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dear sgrinaldi,


ive only read a bit of your reply as im finishing off now. but I think you are determined to keep this relationship alive at any cost to the solid advice ive had time to read.


I cannot honestly say that I think that your situation is going to be stable for very long, it all sounds very immature but not in a nasty way I feel concerned for you and im not sure what I have read is a healthy relationship . its all about what he wants and what he can make you change.


but look, you are your own person, and life will hopefully teach you (and it sounds as though it may the hard way) that this is not what real love is!!!


good luck with it all though, I must go, cya maxi
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:40 AM   #60
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My goodness, you are trying to negotiate with your abuser.

The day that my partner puts cameras in my home, is the day that he will be watching a blank tv screen because I would be gone so fast.... I wouldn't even bother to pack my clothes.

My friend, go to your family. Go to a women's shelter. Educate yourself on abuse. Get out now!
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