LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

Having a bf who is insanely jealous and who tries to control you


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree138Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th March 2018, 6:08 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 19,207
Control is abuse, and he's a controller. Guys who don't want you to have friends are BAD NEWS. Isolating you is their first step toward controlling your every move. He will not change. Don't be silly. Prisons have spent decades trying to change controlling abusive jerks and had zero success. If you have a brain in your head, you'll find someone who's not controlling. It's no way to live and it teaches your kids all the wrong things to put up with or do.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 6:34 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Antipodes
Posts: 8,892
Quote:
Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
We will be talking about this tonite after he gets home. What do you think I should say?
Yes, it's good to not be confrontational. But you do need to be assertive and 100% firm in your resolve.

The only option you have is to move out for 18 months or so. Why so drastic? Because last time he "changed" it wasn't a change. It was just him pretending to do the right thing. This is why you need to refuse to come back until he's demonstrating sustained changed over a substantial period of time. Do not let him talk you out of this with promises of change because he's given you no reason to believe he can do it.

First, find somewhere to go. Second, tell him that you love him but you cannot stay in a relationship where control and abuse is happening. As such, you are moving out. Tell him that you will move back in ONLY when he's done therapy and can demonstrate long term change. Give him an 18 month timeline (or whatever his therapist advises. Talk to the therapist directly - he might lie about the timeline)

Of course, as it's an ultimatum, he may choose to breakup rather than change. If he chooses this route, you will know that it was time to end it.

Lastly, if this is the best relationship you've ever been in, it doesn't say much for the previous ones! Relationships can be so much better than this.
basil67 is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 7:08 PM   #18
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Yes, it's good to not be confrontational. But you do need to be assertive and 100% firm in your resolve.

The only option you have is to move out for 18 months or so. Why so drastic? Because last time he "changed" it wasn't a change. It was just him pretending to do the right thing. This is why you need to refuse to come back until he's demonstrating sustained changed over a substantial period of time. Do not let him talk you out of this with promises of change because he's given you no reason to believe he can do it.

First, find somewhere to go. Second, tell him that you love him but you cannot stay in a relationship where control and abuse is happening. As such, you are moving out. Tell him that you will move back in ONLY when he's done therapy and can demonstrate long term change. Give him an 18 month timeline (or whatever his therapist advises. Talk to the therapist directly - he might lie about the timeline)

Of course, as it's an ultimatum, he may choose to breakup rather than change. If he chooses this route, you will know that it was time to end it.

Lastly, if this is the best relationship you've ever been in, it doesn't say much for the previous ones! Relationships can be so much better than this.
Ok. I will be firm with him.

I'm kind of scared tho. When we argue about this he can really get pissed off!
sgrinaldi is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 7:14 PM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 95
Quote:
Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post

I'm kind of scared tho. When we argue about this he can really get pissed off!
But he’s a really great guy, and the best boyfriend you’ve ever had....
CardsFan01 is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 7:16 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 5,112
Quote:
Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
Ok. I will be firm with him.

I'm kind of scared tho. When we argue about this he can really get pissed off!
That's your answer, right there. Run from this guy! Run fast and run far...
BaileyB is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 7:18 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Gaeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 15,711
There you are already scared of him. He's already got you where he wants you, intimidated and afraid.

Tell him his control over you is over. No more cameras, no more isolating you from friends and family, no more monitoring your phone and what ever else he's doing. These are your conditions to remain in this relationship and if he cannot accept this then you will break up.

Has he ever grabbed your wrist or your arm? or threaten you?

You are in an abusive relationship, his abuse is different than your previous boyfriends but he's still abusive. Abusive men are always sweethearts between their outbursts.
__________________
'' The Biggest Coward Is A Man Who Awakens A Woman's Love With No Intention Of Loving Her '' - Bob Marley
Gaeta is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 7:41 PM   #22
Established Member
 
MidwestUSA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7,642
Do you work, OP?

What I've gathered is your bf goes to work, and you have friends over, including males, to 'hang out' all day. Whose house is it? Who pays the bills? Give some examples of how well he treats you.


I'm not excusing his behavior, just trying to get a better read on the situation.

Edit: I see he pays the bills. What's your role in the household?
__________________
Well, bless your heart.

Last edited by MidwestUSA; 5th March 2018 at 7:44 PM..
MidwestUSA is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 7:49 PM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 959
i agree with everyone else that this person is not relationship material for any mature adult who values their own agency.

but, if you're not willing to leave him, at least refused be monitored.

get your devices wiped to remove any monitoring, and destroy/hide/cover the recording devices in the house.

you will never convince him of your trustworthiness...because this is about him. not you. trying to "prove" yourself on camera is perfectly useless.
anna121 is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 7:49 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 19,207
Quote:
Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
Ok. I will be firm with him.

I'm kind of scared tho. When we argue about this he can really get pissed off!
Right. Which is how it usually is with controllers. This is why you should just wash your hands of him and move when he's at work and stay someplace safe until he's cooled down. Even then, he may decide to beat you up. Honestly, I can see you're a long way from doing anything about this, but when you finally reach that point, call a women's shelter for advice or a victims hotline for advice on how to leave most safely. guys who have never hit you before will often try it when you try to leave and he's controlling, so that is going to be a real risk. First he will accuse you of cheating and then he'll give you the treatment he thinks you as a cheater has coming. So you need to be careful and have a plan if you leave, and you should leave.
preraph is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 7:51 PM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United States
Posts: 4,986
Quote:
Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
I can appreciate what everyone is saying, but only I know him and he really is a great bf, other than this one issue. And I do think he’s capable of changing. He’s changed before, but then he reverted back to his old ways. At one point I even thought this issue was behind us, but then after we started living together he started getting suspicious again, and that’s when he installed the security cameras and asking who all my friends were.

I think the main problem is just that he doesn’t know most of my friends, so he’s a bit uncomfortable with them hanging out with me all day here while he’s at work. I’m sure if he was friends with them too then we wouldn’t have this problem. Because I noticed that he didn’t start getting defensive and asking questions until he found that we were all hanging out here.

I also think a lot of the problem is that one of my friends is a guy. Which is kind of understandable imho, but I’ve told him that he’s just an old friend from school and that he’s in a relationship, so I can’t understand why he would be so jealous. He even got mad at me the other day when I told him he was here, even tho we were hardly alone. Lots of my girl friends were there, and we were all just hanging out and having a good time, and I told him that and he knows I would never lie, but he was still mad about it. And when he got home I could tell from his body language and tone of voice that he still didn’t seem to completely trust me, even tho he said otherwise.

Do you think I should turn the security system back on and let him see what’s going on, at least for awhile, just to alleviate any concerns? And then, once he trusts me, I could start turning back off? I feel a bit uncomfortable doing that because it’s my privacy, but maybe that would ultimately be the best way to handle this?
I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. I am not justifying controlling behaviour much less abusive behaviour. BUT, what you just described--you having a guy friend come over a lot while he (your boyfriend) is at work all day, is something many many guys would have a problem with.

That you have other friends over too is hardly comforting. Why would your boyfriend have any reason to believe that they would get in the way of you getting w this guy friend. They are your friends not his!

MEanwhile you say "When he got home". Do you live together? Does he pay the bills for the both of you? That is another quite relevant detail. If I were working all day paying both of our bills while my girlfriend was at home entertaining friends I'd be quite unhappy with her too. Especially if one of said friends were a guy!

I am just wondering how your disagreements end up going down. And if there is emotional abuse or even worse, physical abuse, then you need to get the hell out of Dodge the previous paragraphs notwithstanding.
__________________
You'll thank me for saying that later.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 5th March 2018 at 8:16 PM..
Imajerk17 is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 8:34 PM   #26
Established Member
 
act00's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Arizona
Posts: 1,517
You state he changed once but then he reverted back.

They always revert, sweetie. Abusers don't change. Sure, some do, but it takes major work and self-reflection.

I know you don't want to hear WALK AWAY, RUN!! But that's the only thing you can do.

The first major step is isolation. How is it that he doesn't know your friends? He doesn't want to. You very likely only spend time with them when he's not around because he's such a you-know-what about it.

They can be the BEST boyfriends/husbands. After they punch you in the face, you might get some apology gifts and special treatment...and then they punch you in the face again.

Trust me on this, they escalate. When you start getting good and pissed and calling him on his behavior, the fists will start coming out.

He's already actively working on isolating you from your friends, family, and support system. His behavior will at some point affect your job, and you might find yourself unemployed over it. Then you'll be more dependent on him than ever, no friends, no money.

Get out now. I married an abuser. It started out emotional. Mine was more insidious...took me three years to figure it out, and when I started calling him on it, he got worse, and then he started beating me. I had two young children and was a SAHM who thankfully took measures to get myself trained and employed, so I had a job to work with...thankfully. Believe me, you don't want to get to the point there are babies and blended finances. Cut loose NOW.

His behavior is NOT normal and he WON'T change...he will not...and I repeat...HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He already reverted. He monitors you at home with cameras for gawds sake. He doesn't like your friends. He doesn't want you to spend time with your friends. Controlling, manipulative. Bad news.
act00 is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 9:10 PM   #27
Established Member
 
bathtub-row's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 3,032
Everyone here is wrong. Yes, he WILL change. Just marry the guy and you’ll see what I mean. He’ll change in a way you never imagined. What you see now will be magnified by 100 and you’ll truly know what it means to live in hell. Then you’ll have children with him and your previous hell will look like playtime. Are you getting the picture?

Every time he treats you with this abusive and controlling behavior, he’s testing you to see how far he can push you; how long it will take to make you numb to the latest action. Every time you stay and tolerate it, you’re sending the message that he didn’t cross a line. And please don’t tell me about how you’ve discussed this with him and gotten angry. Your continued presence says it all. Abusers do not stop abusing and they aren’t remorseful, they’re only good actors.

It’s time to ask yourself why you’re with a creep like this. And, no, he’s not nice. Keep in mind that the nice stuff you see is all part of the abuse cycle. It keeps you confused. This is exactly his plan. Confuse and abuse until you have lost all touch with normalcy.

If there’s a way to leave town and make him think you’re dead, I’d go with that option.
bathtub-row is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 9:41 PM   #28
Established Member
 
act00's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Arizona
Posts: 1,517
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imajerk17 View Post
I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here. I am not justifying controlling behaviour much less abusive behaviour. BUT, what you just described--you having a guy friend come over a lot while he (your boyfriend) is at work all day, is something many many guys would have a problem with.

That you have other friends over too is hardly comforting. Why would your boyfriend have any reason to believe that they would get in the way of you getting w this guy friend. They are your friends not his!

MEanwhile you say "When he got home". Do you live together? Does he pay the bills for the both of you? That is another quite relevant detail. If I were working all day paying both of our bills while my girlfriend was at home entertaining friends I'd be quite unhappy with her too. Especially if one of said friends were a guy!

I am just wondering how your disagreements end up going down. And if there is emotional abuse or even worse, physical abuse, then you need to get the hell out of Dodge the previous paragraphs notwithstanding.
You do bring up a really good point. When she says she has friends over that "hang out all day," I was kind of wondering what that meant, and is this ALL DAY, EVERY DAY? That's a lot. She says she works (I think), so are we talking part-timer? Who has time to "hang" with friends all day, every day? They eat and drink everything and use up all the toilet paper. I'd be pissed if my boyfriend partied all day while I financed all of it, while going to work every day.

He has the cameras, he has put monitoring programs on her phone and on the computer, has followed her, and interrogates her, and I suspect the answers she gives aren't good enough...so we're dealing with abusive tendencies to say the least, and whatever she does or doesn't do will not measure up, but you do bring up some valid points on her behaviors.
act00 is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 10:15 PM   #29
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 29
He's working late tonite, so I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him. I will still update you all, tho. And thanks to all for your input and support.

I would like to clear up some things tho, because I think some people are getting the wrong impression.

First, my bf has never hit me. He's not violent. I know he's controlling and a bit too jealous, but he would never hit me. That much I'm sure of. He can have a bad temper sometimes, but it never gets to the point of being physical.

Second, yes my bf pays all the bills, but that's because I'm still in college. I contribute in other ways. I'm not sure what this has to do with anything, tho. Unless your saying that he has the right to monitor me just because he owns the house?

And thirdly (lol, is that even a word?), yes, one of my friends is a guy. I'm not sure why that would be a problem tho. My bf has some female friends too and I don't feel threatened by them at all. What's the big deal about having an opposite sex friend? Plus, my guy friend would never hit on me. We've been good friends since middle school and have no romantic interest in each other. He is just a close friend who's been there for me many times, kind of like a 'brother from another mother' more than anything else. I see no reason for my bf to feel threatened by him.
sgrinaldi is offline  
Old 5th March 2018, 10:46 PM   #30
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United States
Posts: 4,986
Quote:
Originally Posted by sgrinaldi View Post
He's working late tonite, so I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him. I will still update you all, tho. And thanks to all for your input and support.

I would like to clear up some things tho, because I think some people are getting the wrong impression.

First, my bf has never hit me. He's not violent. I know he's controlling and a bit too jealous, but he would never hit me. That much I'm sure of. He can have a bad temper sometimes, but it never gets to the point of being physical.

Second, yes my bf pays all the bills, but that's because I'm still in college. I contribute in other ways. I'm not sure what this has to do with anything, tho. Unless your saying that he has the right to monitor me just because he owns the house?

And thirdly (lol, is that even a word?), yes, one of my friends is a guy. I'm not sure why that would be a problem tho. My bf has some female friends too and I don't feel threatened by them at all. What's the big deal about having an opposite sex friend? Plus, my guy friend would never hit on me. We've been good friends since middle school and have no romantic interest in each other. He is just a close friend who's been there for me many times, kind of like a 'brother from another mother' more than anything else. I see no reason for my bf to feel threatened by him.
Thanks for clearing up some things.

He has a right to NOT have people over to HIS house whom he does not want over. This definitely includes those instances when you are the one who is at the house and he is not and you have your friends come over.

You may want to reconsider how you plan on initiating this discussion with your boyfriend. Overall, I think his overall unhappiness with the situation and your behaviour is quite justified too. If I were in his position I'd be wondering, if nothing else, why my girlfriend has all this free time to be having her friends over, even if all her friends were women. I'd be wondering why the hell she doesn't have other things she needs to get done. The fact that one is a guy would definitely make me that much more angry and concerned.

Last edited by Imajerk17; 5th March 2018 at 10:53 PM..
Imajerk17 is offline  
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Insanely jealous Robot_heart Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 16 25th October 2015 7:12 AM
Insanely jealous MariaMaria General Relationship Discussion 3 1st July 2013 7:26 AM
Insanely jealous girlfriend. ZimboGon Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 10 28th January 2012 9:04 AM
I'm soooo insanely jealous!!! :( kittensmittens Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 14 11th May 2007 7:12 AM
Why am I so insanely jealous? Severed_Wasp General Relationship Discussion 2 9th October 2006 3:18 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:26 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.