I've lost weight and my boyfriend doesn't like it

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I try to show my boyfriend one act of kindness a day. I do this to show him the appreciation, kindness and respect he deserves. I'm not the sorta person that ever gets in a fight with my boyfriend. No argument or heated discussion. I personally don't understand why people fight in relationships like aren't people grateful to be in them? Why risk a whole relationship on a fight?

 

At the moment I've started to cook for my boyfriend. For me it's a great way to start practising and adulting and I enjoy making him happy. Recently, I put some food in the slow cooker and left the dirty dishes in the sink. I wasn't expecting him home early and I had been preparing his dinner all day so I decided to go for a walk. He came home early. I wasn't expecting it him to walk home early so I was shocked to see him home and mad. He yelled about the state of the kitchen. I apologised profusely and he continued to be seething mad. I later explained that I had prepared him dinner and I was going to clean up after myself later. Realising what he had done, he said he was really sorry and asked for a hug. I felt weird, embarrassed and full of anger at myself for triggering him off. After all, I don't want to lose him. So I told him to sit down and I'll clean up. He offered to help but I insisted I finished what I started. It was a good distraction and it helped me fight off the tears. My boyfriend said he was starting to worry but I was determined for those dishes to shine and the kitchen to be flawless.

 

After the dishes were done and the kitchen was flawless. I decided to go home. Run myself a bath and cry at home. I was really triggered by this stage and I felt a mixture of anger at myself and shame. My boyfriend tried to stop me at the door, begged me to stay and at least eat something before heading out. I reminded him I'm use to comforting and sorting myself out for 13.5 years as that's how long I was single for. I'm use to sorting my own head out, no one comforted me before then. Plus it was me who made him yell and I don't want that to happen again. I left on the verge of tears and when I got in the car and looked at the window I could tell he had been crying too.

 

He texted me and rang me to say he misses me and that nothing was my fault and to not beat myself up like that again. I said I'm not use to a caring man, so when he yelled I was sure it was over. I'd do absolutely anything to try and be the best he's ever had. He just asked that I start to trust him a bit better, because my actions are suggesting that I don't. He also said I know you're petrified of being single again, and that love for him is not conditional even if I think it is with him.

 

Tonight he's asked me to accompany him on a dinner date so I don't feel like I have to cook for him. It's also his way of making up for things.

 

I don't know why I go down that rabbit hole of wanting to make sure my boyfriends needs are before my own but I do. Things were triggered and I felt wretched.

 

Help?

[RecentChange]

I am going to go out on a limb and guess your past relationships weren't healthy / contained abuse.

 

Your extreme insecurity, coupled with his over the top reaction to some dirty dishes isn't a great sign.

 

I love to cook and clean etc for my husband, but no man screams and yells at me. EVER. Especially not over something as petty as dishes. And ya know what, I don't scream and tell either.

 

Now occasional arguments? That's normal, and even healthy, a relationship should be 50/50 with both making their needs and wants clear. Conflicts will come up, and should be discussed. Pretending like everything is okay all the time does no one any favors.

[VeveCakes]

He yelled at you because there was dirty dishes in the sink?

 

Ya...you are not the problem, he is.

 

Does he do this often?

[seekingpeaceinlove]

1.) BF ANGER ISSUES: Your boyfriend needs to correct his communication style. Yelling at you to express displeasure at a messy kitchen is not reasonable. Getting that ANGRY over a messy kitchen is unreasonable. If he normally treats you this way then you are in an abusive relationship. He could have simply talked to you in a calm voice. This issue needs to be addressed.

 

2.) YOUR SELF ESTEEM: You cowered when he yelled at you and started apologizing immediately. You ran home and started crying and thinking it was your fault that your bf reacted the way he did. You should have been angry for his outburst. You did not deserve to be yelled at. Instead, you were horrified and apologized for HIS behavior. This is an incredibly unhealthy way of thinking and you know that.

 

What is your history? Does your bf react like this often? What is your family history?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Hi guys

 

I've never experienced this before because most guys I use to meet use to probably REJECTED me because I was a bit "curvier". Apart from my now current boyfriend, who said he liked me/ loved me for many years before making a move.

 

After years on end, being lonely and single, I am finally in a relationship and really happy. My loneliness is mostly gone- although sometimes I fear that the rug will be pulled up under my feet and something will happen, and we will end up breaking up or something. But I make sure that doesn't happen, I'm pretty good at showing my gratitude to him. I like to cook for him and surprise him. The sex is excellent, and we've become superb at it together.

 

However, he's noticed that I've lost quite a bit of weight since being with him. I find this not to be surprising, after all, I'm not eating my loneliness away, and I'm staying clear of carbs. I also want to remain healthy not only for me but him and just in case we have children in the future. I thought in some ways, this would be a bonus, his girlfriend is looking better than ever? What is there to worry about?

 

Well, according to him- he's getting a bit more concerned. Usually, he's a calm guy; he's not possessive in any way shape or form. In fact, for those who don't know, my ex from 13 years ago wanted to take me out for lunch for a " catch up" he could have acted really jealous, but he wasn't and the only reason why I didn't have a " catch up lunch" with my ex was out of respect for my current boyfriend and because there is nothing to resolve, After all, my current boyfriend is the first boyfriend I have had SINCE my ex, so there was no way that I was going to screw anything up in the slightest by having a casual lunch with an old boyfriend.

 

However, he has started acting a bit weird since I have lost weight. He told me he noticed I begun to look slim- I said to him " I'm surprised you're not pleased?" He said " he preferred me a bit thicker" and then he said what I was not expecting, he said, " other guys are beginning to notice too."

 

I was shocked. No other guys look at me. They never have, hence why I was single for almost 13 years, but now all of a sudden, they're staring at me? I doubted it very much, and I reassured him that no men look at me, that he is the only man who does, and even if there were the slightest chance that they did, I would not consider them, I'm with the greatest man alive, the man I'm entirely grateful for and I'm quite surprised by his attitude, he never actually showed any jealousy or concern before.

 

I told him that I feel the healthiest I've ever felt and the happiest- because I am with a man I love and who loves me. He said that it's not me he's not concerned about, but when we go out, he notices that men look at me and that he noticed at first that it was maybe one or two, so it didn't bother him, but now he notices it's a lot of different men stare at me and he can't help but feel protective and slightly jealous.

 

It's such a different man than the man I use to know. I'm used to this kind and a collected man whose feathers barely ever get ruffled, and if they do, he's quick to apologise. But now, he's slightly paranoid that other people are looking. I have told him, even if other men look ( which I don't think they are) then that doesn't mean that I am going to act on it. He has told me that he knows that I am extremely loyal and grateful which he loves, but that doesn't mean that other guys won't start hitting on me. He tells me ever since I've lost weight, men notice me more, and it bothers him. I've never seen this side of my boyfriend before, one who is slightly insecure. Usually, he's about as strong as solid oak, so seeing this side of him bothers ME. Usually, he's stronger and more secure than me! And never shows any sign of jealousy or fear of any sort.

 

How do I reassure him that he has nothing to worry about? I still want to exercise, eat healthily and go out with my boyfriend without him paranoid that some guy is looking at me. I don't believe men look at me anyway, when I am with my boyfriend, I only have eyes for him.

[TiredofWaitin]

Hi guys

 

I've never experienced this before because most guys I use to meet use to probably REJECTED me because I was a bit "curvier". Apart from my now current boyfriend, who said he liked me/ loved me for many years before making a move.

 

After years on end, being lonely and single, I am finally in a relationship and really happy. My loneliness is mostly gone- although sometimes I fear that the rug will be pulled up under my feet and something will happen, and we will end up breaking up or something. But I make sure that doesn't happen, I'm pretty good at showing my gratitude to him. I like to cook for him and surprise him. The sex is excellent, and we've become superb at it together.

 

However, he's noticed that I've lost quite a bit of weight since being with him. I find this not to be surprising, after all, I'm not eating my loneliness away, and I'm staying clear of carbs. I also want to remain healthy not only for me but him and just in case we have children in the future. I thought in some ways, this would be a bonus, his girlfriend is looking better than ever? What is there to worry about?

 

Well, according to him- he's getting a bit more concerned. Usually, he's a calm guy; he's not possessive in any way shape or form. In fact, for those who don't know, my ex from 13 years ago wanted to take me out for lunch for a " catch up" he could have acted really jealous, but he wasn't and the only reason why I didn't have a " catch up lunch" with my ex was out of respect for my current boyfriend and because there is nothing to resolve, After all, my current boyfriend is the first boyfriend I have had SINCE my ex, so there was no way that I was going to screw anything up in the slightest by having a casual lunch with an old boyfriend.

 

However, he has started acting a bit weird since I have lost weight. He told me he noticed I begun to look slim- I said to him " I'm surprised you're not pleased?" He said " he preferred me a bit thicker" and then he said what I was not expecting, he said, " other guys are beginning to notice too."

 

I was shocked. No other guys look at me. They never have, hence why I was single for almost 13 years, but now all of a sudden, they're staring at me? I doubted it very much, and I reassured him that no men look at me, that he is the only man who does, and even if there were the slightest chance that they did, I would not consider them, I'm with the greatest man alive, the man I'm entirely grateful for and I'm quite surprised by his attitude, he never actually showed any jealousy or concern before.

 

I told him that I feel the healthiest I've ever felt and the happiest- because I am with a man I love and who loves me. He said that it's not me he's not concerned about, but when we go out, he notices that men look at me and that he noticed at first that it was maybe one or two, so it didn't bother him, but now he notices it's a lot of different men stare at me and he can't help but feel protective and slightly jealous.

 

It's such a different man than the man I use to know. I'm used to this kind and a collected man whose feathers barely ever get ruffled, and if they do, he's quick to apologise. But now, he's slightly paranoid that other people are looking. I have told him, even if other men look ( which I don't think they are) then that doesn't mean that I am going to act on it. He has told me that he knows that I am extremely loyal and grateful which he loves, but that doesn't mean that other guys won't start hitting on me. He tells me ever since I've lost weight, men notice me more, and it bothers him. I've never seen this side of my boyfriend before, one who is slightly insecure. Usually, he's about as strong as solid oak, so seeing this side of him bothers ME. Usually, he's stronger and more secure than me! And never shows any sign of jealousy or fear of any sort.

 

How do I reassure him that he has nothing to worry about? I still want to exercise, eat healthily and go out with my boyfriend without him paranoid that some guy is looking at me. I don't believe men look at me anyway, when I am with my boyfriend, I only have eyes for him.

 

Usually when a girl starts going to the gym or lose weight while in a relationship, it is a sign of cheating or her checking out emotionally. Maybe that is why he is feeling anxious.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Usually when a girl starts going to the gym or lose weight while in a relationship, it is a sign of cheating or her checking out emotionally. Maybe that is why he is feeling anxious.

 

are you serious? how can anyone jump to that conclusion? that is the biggest load of BS I've ever heard. I am absolutely crazy about my boyfriend! I'm so in love I can't stand it. I just feel really sad that he feels this way.

[Lorenza]

It's not your job to reassure him. That is his problem, not yours. If he can't be happy that you started living a healthier life and feel happier yourself, he shouldn't be part of that life. Our partners shouldn't drag us back due to their insecurities. His problem is other guys looking at you?? A man should be proud!

[TiredofWaitin]

Hi guys

 

I've never experienced this before because most guys I use to meet use to probably REJECTED me because I was a bit "curvier". Apart from my now current boyfriend, who said he liked me/ loved me for many years before making a move.

 

After years on end, being lonely and single, I am finally in a relationship and really happy. My loneliness is mostly gone- although sometimes I fear that the rug will be pulled up under my feet and something will happen, and we will end up breaking up or something. But I make sure that doesn't happen, I'm pretty good at showing my gratitude to him. I like to cook for him and surprise him. The sex is excellent, and we've become superb at it together.

 

However, he's noticed that I've lost quite a bit of weight since being with him. I find this not to be surprising, after all, I'm not eating my loneliness away, and I'm staying clear of carbs. I also want to remain healthy not only for me but him and just in case we have children in the future. I thought in some ways, this would be a bonus, his girlfriend is looking better than ever? What is there to worry about?

 

Well, according to him- he's getting a bit more concerned. Usually, he's a calm guy; he's not possessive in any way shape or form. In fact, for those who don't know, my ex from 13 years ago wanted to take me out for lunch for a " catch up" he could have acted really jealous, but he wasn't and the only reason why I didn't have a " catch up lunch" with my ex was out of respect for my current boyfriend and because there is nothing to resolve, After all, my current boyfriend is the first boyfriend I have had SINCE my ex, so there was no way that I was going to screw anything up in the slightest by having a casual lunch with an old boyfriend.

 

However, he has started acting a bit weird since I have lost weight. He told me he noticed I begun to look slim- I said to him " I'm surprised you're not pleased?" He said " he preferred me a bit thicker" and then he said what I was not expecting, he said, " other guys are beginning to notice too."

 

I was shocked. No other guys look at me. They never have, hence why I was single for almost 13 years, but now all of a sudden, they're staring at me? I doubted it very much, and I reassured him that no men look at me, that he is the only man who does, and even if there were the slightest chance that they did, I would not consider them, I'm with the greatest man alive, the man I'm entirely grateful for and I'm quite surprised by his attitude, he never actually showed any jealousy or concern before.

 

I told him that I feel the healthiest I've ever felt and the happiest- because I am with a man I love and who loves me. He said that it's not me he's not concerned about, but when we go out, he notices that men look at me and that he noticed at first that it was maybe one or two, so it didn't bother him, but now he notices it's a lot of different men stare at me and he can't help but feel protective and slightly jealous.

 

It's such a different man than the man I use to know. I'm used to this kind and a collected man whose feathers barely ever get ruffled, and if they do, he's quick to apologise. But now, he's slightly paranoid that other people are looking. I have told him, even if other men look ( which I don't think they are) then that doesn't mean that I am going to act on it. He has told me that he knows that I am extremely loyal and grateful which he loves, but that doesn't mean that other guys won't start hitting on me. He tells me ever since I've lost weight, men notice me more, and it bothers him. I've never seen this side of my boyfriend before, one who is slightly insecure. Usually, he's about as strong as solid oak, so seeing this side of him bothers ME. Usually, he's stronger and more secure than me! And never shows any sign of jealousy or fear of any sort.

 

How do I reassure him that he has nothing to worry about? I still want to exercise, eat healthily and go out with my boyfriend without him paranoid that some guy is looking at me. I don't believe men look at me anyway, when I am with my boyfriend, I only have eyes for him.

 

It is very natural for men to look at good looking women. I think when you talk to your guy, you are overdoing it with "they are not looking at me" (which makes you look like you are trying to manipulate him). Just tell him the truth instead. "Yea, I am sure they must be checking me out but .... I am not interested in any other man" When you deny other people are checking you out, it makes 'other things you say' somewhat less trustworthy? Just be real with him.

[TiredofWaitin]

are you serious? how can anyone jump to that conclusion? that is the biggest load of BS I've ever heard. I am absolutely crazy about my boyfriend! I'm so in love I can't stand it. I just feel really sad that he feels this way.

 

I am not saying that is what you are doing. I am saying ... if you check out the cheating board, you will see that when a girl suddenly lose weight or suddenly pay attention to her looks or get new dresses and something ... it is a sign that there is another guy or she wants another guy in general. It is not my opinion, it is one of the redflags of a cheating wife. Look it up. Again, I am not saying that is what you are doing. You need to explain to him you are doing it because you are happy and want to be healthier and you need to do it without BSing him about other guys not checking you out.

[bachdude]

You ask what you can do but this really comes from inside your BF. There isn't anything you can do.

 

 

I doubt any words you say or actions you take (other than put on more weight again, which I wouldn't suggest at all) would help.

 

 

I mean, continue to tell him you love him but, but don't shoulder the responsibility to fix something that is actually his own issue to work through.

 

 

Keep your course and he will have to find away to get over his jealousy. He needs to realize he cannot control what other guys do and it will make him miserable to worry about this constantly.

[CaliforniaGirl]

This could be several things. He already points out jealousy. But it could also be that people can be uncomfortable when their loved ones change. They don't know what other changes may come, since you just made this unexpected one, so where they used to be comfortable, now they're not so sure of you anymore.

 

One other possible factor is that misery loves company. If he feels he should be making health changes too, he may have been mentally using your former overweight status (until now) as his excuse not to do anything about it. Now that excuse is gone.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

It is very natural for men to look at good looking women. I think when you talk to your guy, you are overdoing it with "they are not looking at me" (which makes you look like you are trying to manipulate him). Just tell him the truth instead. "Yea, I am sure they must be checking me out but .... I am not interested in any other man" When you deny other people are checking you out, it makes 'other things you say' somewhat less trustworthy? Just be real with him.

 

But I seriously think it's all in his head. No one "looked" at me before him and I got together. Even if I lost weight, why would that change? I'm with a great guy, anyone can see that when we are out in public holding hands right?

[TiredofWaitin]

But I seriously think it's all in his head. No one "looked" at me before him and I got together. Even if I lost weight, why would that change? I'm with a great guy, anyone can see that when we are out in public holding hands right?

 

Plenty of girls (who are with their boyfriends or who are sitting right next to their boyfriends in the car) check me out. And I am sure it is happening the other way around too. Instead of saying "it is in his head" you should try to understand where he MIGHT be coming from and address it. If you love him, do not dismiss his feelings as "Oh please. Nobody is looking" or "It is in your head" ... happy relationships work in a way partners address issues regardless of it is "his" problem or not. If it is something that bothers him, it is a relationship problem and you re in a position to do something about. That is love. Show it.

[TiredofWaitin]

But I seriously think it's all in his head. No one "looked" at me before him and I got together. Even if I lost weight, why would that change? I'm with a great guy, anyone can see that when we are out in public holding hands right?

 

When you lose weight, you get more looks. Very simple logic. It is as certain as math. Stop denying it (to yourself and to your guy) and you will be fine. The key is ... not denying that fact and then still confirming your love to your guy. Not super complicated.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I am not saying that is what you are doing. I am saying ... if you check out the cheating board, you will see that when a girl suddenly lose weight or suddenly pay attention to her looks or get new dresses and something ... it is a sign that there is another guy or she wants another guy in general. It is not my opinion, it is one of the redflags of a cheating wife. Look it up. Again, I am not saying that is what you are doing. You need to explain to him you are doing it because you are happy and want to be healthier and you need to do it without BSing him about other guys not checking you out.

 

I think he's just a little bit paranoid- I really don't think men pay attention to me at all- they never have! apart from my boyfriend. When I'm out in public there is only one hand I'm holding and that is my partner's, when we are dancing there is only one guy I am dancing with, and that is my partner's and when I go home at night, there is only one apartment I end up staying at, and that's my partners. When I go out at night, I barely notice other people apart from the drinks menu and my partner. I have no idea why he is gettig worried and upset- He knows I haven't had much luck before him so, me losing weight is just a sign of me being happy not miserable.

[texex]

It's not your job to reassure him. That is his problem, not yours. If he can't be happy that you started living a healthier life and feel happier yourself, he shouldn't be part of that life. Our partners shouldn't drag us back due to their insecurities. His problem is other guys looking at you?? A man should be proud!

 

horrible advice, she should assume him and eat a steak and lobster dinner

[SwordofFlame]

He's afraid you'll leave him because you may have better options now that you're thinner. If you didn't get looks before, it's because you were "curvier" then and not as attractive.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

horrible advice, she should assume him and eat a steak and lobster dinner

 

I have assured him- I have told him that there is only one man I love and am grateful for, and that's him. I can't convince him any more than that. We have had conversations about it and reassured him, but he is the one feeling anxious over absolutely nothing.

 

He tells me that I think I'm a lot less attractive than I am. But then, he wasn't single for 13 and a bit years- I think that's evidence enough. I'm not mega attractive; I'm not Giselle Bundchen, so I doubt that men are LOOKING. I think he just has worries that are his and his only to deal with. I find him attractive in his way, but it's more his personality that I am attracted to. Men may be more visual, but I doubt they stay interested in a woman that is clearly with someone else.

[texex]

I have assured him- I have told him that there is only one man I love and am grateful for, and that's him. I can't convince him any more than that. We have had conversations about it and reassured him, but he is the one feeling anxious over absolutely nothing.

 

He tells me that I think I'm a lot less attractive than I am. But then, he wasn't single for 13 and a bit years- I think that's evidence enough. I'm not mega attractive; I'm not Giselle Bundchen, so I doubt that men are LOOKING. I think he just has worries that are his and his only to deal with. I find him attractive in his way, but it's more his personality that I am attracted to. Men may be more visual, but I doubt they stay interested in a woman that is clearly with someone else.

 

stop being critical of yourself and go make some love to him if your at that stage

[Gr8fuln2020]

Plenty of girls (who are with their boyfriends or who are sitting right next to their boyfriends in the car) check me out. And I am sure it is happening the other way around too. Instead of saying "it is in his head" you should try to understand where he MIGHT be coming from and address it. If you love him, do not dismiss his feelings as "Oh please. Nobody is looking" or "It is in your head" ... happy relationships work in a way partners address issues regardless of it is "his" problem or not. If it is something that bothers him, it is a relationship problem and you re in a position to do something about. That is love. Show it.

 

 

Yeah, don't dismiss his insecurity. Try to assure him that you're doing this b/c it is the healthier for you. It makes YOU feel good about yourself and has nothing to do with him.

 

...he said, " other guys are beginning to notice too."

 

He is being insecure. But do not change your healthier habits b/c he doesn't like how other guys are noticing.

 

I am not saying that this is happening, but I know guys, men who prefer their ladies to look less attractive so that they can keep them for themselves. A somewhat control thing....For now, I think he's being insecure. BUT you are not doing anything wrong by losing weight.

[BikerAccnt]

Also, did you ever think, he may really prefer you heavier/curvier? Not every guys is into thin/fit women. Many prefer a woman with a bit of meat on their bones.

 

Perhaps it's not only that other guys may be noticing but, strange as it may be to you, his own attraction level may be dropping off because of your physical change.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

The thing is, this has come as a bit of a surprise to me. He NEVER acted this way or showed any concern that " men were looking" until now. I have lost maybe 33 pounds since being with him but that's due to getting rid of stress ( stopped studying) cutting out carbs and exercise- plus FINALLY getting a great guy! those are the reasons why I've lost weight, losing weight actually has been a result of him being in my life!

[elaine567]

It is not really that uncommon.

Some men and women like their bf/gf to be undesirable to others.

They do not want to be in a competition for his/her affections as they feel they will probably lose. They want to be safe and secure in the knowledge that "no-one else will be interested" so they can relax and turn off the jealousy mode.

 

Losing weight can make an "average"/"below average" person into a "hot" commodity and that for some is a step too far.

 

Also some men like "curvy" and are none too happy when their curvy gf turns into an androgynous "beanpole".

[BikerAccnt]

The thing is, this has come as a bit of a surprise to me. He NEVER acted this way or showed any concern that " men were looking" until now. I have lost maybe 33 pounds since being with him but that's due to getting rid of stress ( stopped studying) cutting out carbs and exercise- plus FINALLY getting a great guy! those are the reasons why I've lost weight, losing weight actually has been a result of him being in my life!

 

All of that may be true, and I believe you. But he did fall for you when you were heavier, that's who he fell for. Sure, he should be thrilled you've lost the weight, it's the healthy thing. But we can't always control how we feel.

 

As long as he doesn't try to control you, just reassure him that's he's still the man for you, regardless of what you look like.