Homeless, staying with boyfriend... Vent session

[PeacefulShanice]

I need help. My boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for nearly 5 years now. He's like my big cuddle bear, he means so much to me, and when things go well between us, everything feels better. I know he's from a small town and when he branches out it unlocks a huge level of curiosity for him and it makes me nervous. It seems like the more he's exposed to, the more I become a "burden." & I know I'm not perfect, gosh I know. I know I have some bad habits but these are the bad habits that he's loved me with before. We used to be a team. He used to laugh at some of the things I did or work with me to fix things and vice versa... Just like any couple should.... But now everything is an annoyance to him. & I don't know why?

 

Sometimes I wish I lived in little old Bladen county with him. Just me, him, and Bo's grocery store.... Sunday night football after church, and occasional vacations to the beach. That would be a perfect sight: him cutting the lawn, us grilling out, no lies from the enemy saying that other things are greater than love. Anyway, I'm from the city and I've lived a city life, so I feel like I have more tolerance and less curiosity. I may be wrong, but I truly don't know. Lately he's been speed dating, looking up "meetup" places, and obviously curious about a life without me tying him down. I'm in a not so great situation right now and it seems like I always am, so I know I can't blame him. It sucks, it really does.

 

I've become homeless (but recently got my own car! Yay). My boyfriend moved up here (Charlotte) after getting a job. But here's the thing, we've planned since college to move to Charlotte together and be this power couple. But now, things have changed. My heart is broken. It's terrible how my relationship completely rides on how successful I am or how good I look. I feel like I'm in competition with people that should not even be a factor. There are so many young beautiful successful women in charlotte. And my boyfriend sees them all the time. Yet here I am. I mean, I think I'm beautiful and I know the success is coming but it's not really here yet.

 

I thought he would be there for me emotionally, encourage me, but i feel bad every single day because we are cramped up in a small space, his room. & though I don't mind the area, he needs his space. Men need their own space. & he's always had his own room. I remember in his old house, he had a huge room and the whole second floor to himself, so I understand. I'm more than grateful that he's allowed me to stay here with him temporarily. That's right, temporary, i have a decent job and I get paid 10/h... So I make about 1200 a month. But I'm behind on two car payments, and I just have to save.

 

Anyway, I'm staying with my boyfriend because my parents split and because I'm the step child, I had to leave with my mom. My mom was in a shelter and I was with a family. But the family told me that I had to leave. So now, here I am with my bf. You know, I've actually allowed him to stay with me before too, when he was wrongfully evicted. It was also around the time where we were running out of money, but luckily I worked at Harris Teeter and got a discount on groceries. I spent time trying to coupon, and cook for us. Everything wasn't perfect by any means, but it surely wasn't this hostile. He doesn't want me to speak. I feel like a piece of trash that's only allowed in because if it were left outside, the raccoons would get to it, and nobody wants to clean or see that mess.

 

I'm a mess, that's how I feel. But I feel like if my boyfriend, let's call him John, were more supportive and didn't seem so aggravated I wouldn't feel like a mess and would actually be in better spirits. Don't get me wrong he's helped me, he's bought me food when I needed and if I bat my eyes enough at the register he'll get me a snickers bar. I love when he does that. But I need him more than that. I don't want to feel like a charity, or like I'm dragging him down. What happened to lean on me? I want to be able to lean on him. I really need a companion.... We've had talks at times and he's told me things will be alright, but I want him to be there to help me with the solution. I feel like I'm doing everything to be self sufficient on my own. So when I say John why aren't you helping me, he says "I am helping you!" Which is true but I need the kind of help that gets me out of this situation, or the kind of encouragement that pushes me. I know if it were the other way around, I'd do it for him. Each day I'm looking to help me and him. Though I don't have much to give myself, I have a lot to give to him.

 

He takes me for granted. I cook for him and would every day if could, I pop his pimples, I tell him how handsome he is ( I probably shouldn't because now he knows), I've introduced him to teas to help his health needs, I try to explore exotic foods with him and now he loves Indian, I remember I used to lovingly get on him about how bad his pants looked sagged lol, he actually likes yogurt now, I mean I could go on about how I feel I've positively added to his life, but I couldn't tell you that he's thought to lift me up in the same way. I don't know, maybe he doesn't really love me. Maybe I'm just better off alone. I need your help.

 

Fyi I'm no bum, I double majored in communications. Finished one major and have 9 more classes left to complete the other. I founded an organization at an accredited university, I've started my own business, and am pretty ambitious. I am an African American who learned to speak, read and write Spanish and I can read French. I love empowering women and am Christian. I currently work at a bank, but looking for a job that pays more...

Edited May 22, 2016 by PeacefulShanice
Hard to read without paragraphs so I fixed it. Want to take away dear abbey

[Emilia]

Hi OP, what's your question?

 

Your relationship sounds incredibly claustrophobic.

[S2B]

Get more work. Work 2 or 3 jobs to make ends meet. Work, work, work.

 

Become independent. Rely on yourself to solve your problems. Be responsible and stay focused on work.

[PeacefulShanice]

What should I do basically? I understand some shelters are available but wait lists take forever. What can I say to him? What more can I do? It's just a waiting game for me... He's getting tired of waiting, it's only been about 3 weeks. Who knows I may get a better job next week.... I don't feel I should be treated wrongly.

[PeacefulShanice]

Also, I forgot to mention that through out our relationship he had been grieving. His father passed a few months before we met and I was there for him... His house burned down 2 years later, But then his sister passed Right before birthing a boy, who is now in critical condition last year. So This temporary situation doesn't top what I've been through with him. I excuse his behavior for grieving..... But he can't help me get through this, and Ive been with him through all that? Idk

 

I focused this post on myself, instead of him, but I think he needs counseling instead of doing and acting as he has.... He's taking it out on the wrong one....

 

I need to get out of his face, but it's a crazy world....

[mrldii]

...I feel like I'm doing everything to be self sufficient on my own...

 

There's a way to be self-sufficient with others' help?!?

 

"Adulting" is tough business; the toughest part is - once you reach a certain age - you are going to have to do it, ready or not...and whether you like it or not.

 

 

Best of luck to you, OP...

[angel.eyes]

A few things:

 

You can't look to others to make you happy. He's not responsible for making you feel better. You are.

 

You seem to expect him to parent you. That's ultimately not his role. He is (or was) just your boyfriend. You need to take responsibility for your own choices instead of laying them at other people's feet.

 

Yes, I realize that you're in a tough spot now, but perhaps look at your priorities. Given a choice between shelter and car payments, I would lose the car and focus on finding my own space. Charlotte has public transportation. Granted, it's nowhere near as convenient as driving around in your own car, but for me, shelter and standing on my own two feet are more important than a car (that's about to be repossessed anyway) and squatting indefinitely in my boyfriend's one-room place. I also wouldn't be trying to cajole Snickers bars out of my boyfriend while crashing there. From what you've described, you overstayed your welcome quite a while ago.

 

Finally, he's out speed dating and exploring. The relationship has clearly run its course. Like every young person, he's growing and isn't the same person he once was. The only reason you are still together in his room is because he's not so heartless that he's going to boot you into the street while you're homeless. But it's no longer a relationship of equals. It's charity. And that's why it feels to you as if you're an imposition that's bringing him down.

 

My advice: figure out how you're going to live independently of him, and find somewhere else to live. Also, try to get a handle on your living expenses. Do you budget? No doubt you feel overwhelmed right now, but break things down into small steps, come up with a budget, and set goals for yourself. You've got this! You'll get your life back on track.

[angel.eyes]

I focused this post on myself, instead of him, but I think he needs counseling instead of doing and acting as he has.... He's taking it out on the wrong one....

 

I need to get out of his face, but it's a crazy world....

What he needs is for you to get out of his room and go find your own place! Lose the sense of entitlement and stop mooching off of him. That's what he needs. Not counseling. His attitude will improve once he gets his space back.

[ExpatInItaly]

There is a lot very wrong with this relationship.

 

He's speed-dating? Are you sure he still considers himself your boyfriend? Your relationship is already over if he's doing things like this.

 

Look, you need to pick up another job and make more money. Lose the car; you're not able to afford it right now anyway, and affording a place to live is far more important. Then, find a space in a shelter or a cheap room for rent in a share-house. Get away from this relationship and this guy.

 

It's hard to be independent sometimes but it sounds like you have not really spread your own wings yet. The dream you have of you two living in some small town happily ever after isn't in the cards for you - at least, not with him. But it might be with someone else if you extricate yourself from this situation and make positive changes.

[PeacefulShanice]

Wow I appreciate all of your responses.

 

I am by no means smooching. I have my own money, just not enough to pay for an apartment. I don't make car payments. I buy food for him and cook the food for him as well as clean his room, and do laundry. That's not me expecting him to be a parent.

 

He's currently working, but hasn't gotten paid because he just got the job so we are waiting. My complaint is that I'm there for him, but his mindset is on the grandeur of charlotte and is treating me differently based on this perception.

 

I have everything together with the exception of a place to stay, that he has provided.

 

My expection as a girlfriend of 5 years is that I would receive a little more respect especially since throughout the entire relationship I had been the strong one. I'm still strong, just not understanding what I candi to help his curiosity. Like he feels like he's just a country bumpkin in a big ol city... So he dresses to impress and tries to get validation through speed dating and other things because he thinks I'm gonna love him no matter what.

 

 

It's only temporary & I am entitled, I have that right... It not like we've been together for months lol I've spent Christmases thanksgivings Easters, sang in his uncles church, picked out my ring, I watched his sister die.... I have a sense of entitlement because I do have the title that I've earned, but humbly.

[PeacefulShanice]

I have money and am not making car payments, as a Christian I rely on God. I think when people see "homeless" they think broke.

 

Credit is important I'm 23 and haven't established good enough credit to just sign a lease, so I'm look for month to months or someone willing to let me pay out front which I'm sure will come in a couple weeks.

 

Also, shelters don't just let you in with open arms.... They have to have room. & there's a wait list for many.

[mrldii]

...I am entitled, I have that right...I have a sense of entitlement because I do have the title that I've earned, but humbly.

 

 

 

Nahhhh, ya really don't.

 

He has a say in who gets the title of "his girlfriend", "his fiance", "his wife", etc.

 

 

Apparently and obviously, he's not on-board with the title to which you feel you're entitled.

[katiegrl]

There is a lot very wrong with this relationship.

 

He's speed-dating? Are you sure he still considers himself your boyfriend? Your relationship is already over if he's doing things like this.

 

Look, you need to pick up another job and make more money. Lose the car; you're not able to afford it right now anyway, and affording a place to live is far more important. Then, find a space in a shelter or a cheap room for rent in a share-house. Get away from this relationship and this guy.

 

It's hard to be independent sometimes but it sounds like you have not really spread your own wings yet. The dream you have of you two living in some small town happily ever after isn't in the cards for you - at least, not with him. But it might be with someone else if you extricate yourself from this situation and make positive changes.

 

Agree with this.^^. Take public transport....Uber, the bus, I do!

 

Also, although you can't afford your own place right now, look for a room share.

 

craigslistcharlotte.com.

 

I just checked actually, many folks in Charlotte advertising for roommates, $400-500 per month. Every apt I ever had I found through Craigslist , totally legit.

 

Please do that immediately. Most of them are fully furnished.

 

My friend did that and has a great roommate now! They both pay 700 per month for a two bedroom, but that's cuz we live in southern California where it is super expensive.

 

Again I just checked Craigslist Charlotte and you can rent a room for 400-500 per month and live in a really nice place! And make a new friend while you're at it.

 

Hell I can afford my own place but even I am thinking of doing that! Save a ton of money.

 

In any event, move out of your bf's place ASAP.

 

You have a college degree for heaven's sake, surely you can find a job that pays more than $10 per hour.

 

Keep looking! Pick up a second in the meantime.

 

Good luck!

[PeacefulShanice]

Yes there is a way to be self sufficient with others help.

When you reach self sufficiency then you are self sufficient

But until you reach that point, it's nice to have a helping hand or encouragement

[PeacefulShanice]

again, I'm not making car payments. & I have money.

[katiegrl]

again, I'm not making car payments. & I have money.

 

Okay keep the car, look for a room share. See my earlier post.

 

NO credit check required.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you're being walked all over. He's out meeting other women while you cook his dinners and do his laundry?

 

Girl, you need some serious self-respect. He's clearly checked out of this relationship. He doesn't want to put you on the street but he certainly isn't invested in you anymore.

 

Stop telling yourself that he's just looking for validation and is entranced by the city. He's behaving like a single man and I can almost guarantee that once you're out of the house, you won't hear from him.

 

It's great that you've been there for him through hardship. Unfortunately, it doesn't mean he'll necessarily do the sane for you and you can't force him to. Life is often unfair that way. You're learning a lot of tough but valuable lessons here.

[PeacefulShanice]

Agree with this.^^. Take public transport....Uber, the bus, I do!

 

Also, although you can't afford your own place right now, look for a room share.

 

craigslistcharlotte.com.

 

I just checked actually, many folks in Charlotte advertising for roommates, $400-500 per month. Every apt I ever had I found through Craigslist , totally legit.

 

Please do that immediately. Most of them are fully furnished.

 

My friend did that and has a great roommate now! They both pay 700 per month for a two bedroom, but that's cuz we live in southern California where it is super expensive.

 

Again I just checked Craigslist Charlotte and you can rent a room for 400-500 per month and live in a really nice place! And make a new friend while you're at it.

 

Hell I can afford my own place but even I am thinking of doing that! Save a ton of money.

 

In any event, move out of your bf's place ASAP.

 

You have a college degree for heaven's sake, surely you can find a job that pays more than $10 per hour.

 

Keep looking! Pick up a second in the meantime.

 

Good luck!

 

 

Thanks love! Your advice is the best so far. I'm looking for a second I have scheduled interviews almost every day, I just need the hours to mesh with my current job. Lol I work from 9-6 so when I get off mostly everything is closed! Your so right about the sublets I'm looking for a good one... I know I'll get a place... It's just the time until then that I'm concerned about. Again, I appreciate your response! & about the degree..... Lol you'd think!

[PeacefulShanice]

OP, you're being walked all over. He's out meeting other women while you cook his dinners and do his laundry?

 

Girl, you need some serious self-respect. He's clearly checked out of this relationship. He doesn't want to put you on the street but he certainly isn't invested in you anymore.

 

Stop telling yourself that he's just looking for validation and is entranced by the city. He's behaving like a single man and I can almost guarantee that once you're out of the house, you won't hear from him.

 

It's great that you've been there for him through hardship. Unfortunately, it doesn't mean he'll necessarily do the sane for you and you can't force him to. Life is often unfair that way. You're learning a lot of tough but valuable lessons here.

 

You're so right! I'm no dummy, but I don't want to feel like it's my fault. Need someone else to say it sometimes lol but how do I deal with being here until the apartment? What do I do, just smile and pretend? I cant just go out.... What can I say or do.... Of course it hurts, and I'm sure when I get my place I won't see him anymore either lol and that will be my choice. But in the meantime.....what?

[katiegrl]

You're so right! I'm no dummy, but I don't want to feel like it's my fault. Need someone else to say it sometimes lol but how do I deal with being here until the apartment? What do I do, just smile and pretend? I cant just go out.... What can I say or do.... Of course it hurts, and I'm sure when I get my place I won't see him anymore either lol and that will be my choice. But in the meantime.....what?

 

Sweetie, if you want to go the roommate route (room share for 400-500 per month) , most are available NOW. Like tomorrow! Fully furnished, no credit check.

 

Same with if you are looking for your own place, a small studio perhaps? But you will have to do a credit check and that takes a few days and a deposit.

 

You will pay a bit more than you would for a room share....but again I just checked out of curiosity and many are available NOW.

[PeacefulShanice]

Sweetie, if you want to go the roommate route (room share for 400-500 per month) , most are available NOW. Like tomorrow! Fully furnished, no credit check.

 

Same with if you are looking for your own place, a small studio perhaps? But you will have to do a credit check and that takes a few days and a deposit.

 

You will pay a bit more than you would for a room share....but again I just checked out of curiosity and many are available NOW.

 

Really, I must be looking in the wrong place on Craigslist. Is it the rent option you've clicked or just typed in search?

[PeacefulShanice]

Sweetie, if you want to go the roommate route (room share for 400-500 per month) , most are available NOW. Like tomorrow! Fully furnished, no credit check.

 

Same with if you are looking for your own place, a small studio perhaps? But you will have to do a credit check and that takes a few days and a deposit.

 

You will pay a bit more than you would for a room share....but again I just checked out of curiosity and many are available NOW.

 

You know what, IVE been looking in the rent section.... When I should have been looking in sublet section.... I thought they were the same. So many more options opened for me thank you so much!!!

[katiegrl]

Really, I must be looking in the wrong place on Craigslist. Is it the rent option you've clicked or just typed in search?

 

When you pull up Craigslist Charlotte, under "housing" click on "rooms shared".

 

The search feature is on the left. You can search the area you prefer to live and the rent range you can pay.

[preraph]

You've been together 5 years with no real commitment, so chances are this is not going to last forever. He is looking around, and you know that. He is looking to move on. I'm sure he cares for you, but apparently not enough to put a ring on it.

 

You can kill two birds with one stone right now, though, by taking a second job. That gives you more money and gives him all the space he needs. If I were you, this is what I'd do for yourself, too, so you can sock some money away for when he leaves you so you won't be homeless again. So be smart and prepare. Good luck.

[katiegrl]

You know what, IVE been looking in the rent section.... When I should have been looking in sublet section.... I thought they were the same. So many more options opened for me thank you so much!!!

 

Not sure what you are looking at hun.

 

When I pull up Craigslist Charlotte, there are various sections, one of which is "housing".

 

There is a section for jobs too! Search your field in *that* section.