Dating someone with debt

[WhirlwindGuy]

Let's draw a hypothetical here:

 

 

You meet a wonderful person, you guys date a while, everything seems perfect, you have said your "I love you's" you have spent the night together several times, talked about a future potentially. Overall, you find yourself very in love with this person. Then one day they drop a bombshell on you that they are carrying a serious amount of student loan debt. What do you do?

 

 

Can you leave someone you are very in love with over this? Do you just continue on and wait until you get to that point to work through it?

Everyone I have met in my short dating time has had a pretty hefty student loan bill. I'm assuming with the country being over 1 Trillion in student loan debt, this is going to only get worse over time.

 

 

Currently I'm dating a doctor who is an amazing woman, we are very much in love, but she recently shared about her absurd amount of student loans. What's the play here?

 

 

Just for full disclosure, I have a nice fat student loan bill myself, but it pales in comparison to hers.

Edited March 4, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

[truth_seeker]

If you had a lot of money, and she knew this, I would say leave her. The whole thing would be her playing you so you could help bail her out of her debt. Since though you have debt like her, she is not after money.

 

It comes down to how much you love her. If you love her, this shouldn't matter. For this to matter then maybe you're not that much in love with her.

[Shining One]

It depends on what your long term goals are. If you're looking to get married in the next few years (before she can get a handle on her debt), them it's an issue. I would not marry someone with significant debt, but I would be open to a perpetual, committed relationship with her. I'll even help her pay it off as my financial situation improves.

[AnnaGem]

Student loans are one thing- reckless financial behavior is another.

 

I'd be concerned with someone who gives no regard to financial responsibility and has reckless spending behavior

 

I wouldn't end the relationship over it, but it would would concern me if I was thinking of building a future with this person.

[d0nnivain]

The kind of debt would make a difference to me. Student loan debt owned by a doctor wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Massive credit card debt from an under employed person with a new car & a flat screen who vacations often would send me running.

[carhill]

Let's draw a hypothetical here:

Ha, ha, love those.

 

 

You meet a wonderful person, you guys date a while, everything seems perfect, you have said your "I love you's" you have spent the night together several times, talked about a future potentially. Overall, you find yourself very in love with this person. Then one day they drop a bombshell on you that they are carrying a serious amount of student loan debt. What do you do?

Have a conversation about that revelation and listen.

 

Can you leave someone you are very in love with over this?

Debt? IDK. I'd look at it more seriously if getting to the point of a legal partnership but dating? Nah, enjoy. We all have our stuff.

Do you just continue on and wait until you get to that point to work through it?

I wouldn't wait, rather enjoy socializing. People socialize while paying their bills and, usually, bills aren't part of socializing, kind of like work isn't part of socializing.

Everyone I have met in my short dating time has had a pretty hefty student loan bill. I'm assuming with the country being over 1 Trillion in student loan debt, this is going to only get worse over time.

 

Currently I'm dating a doctor who is an amazing woman, we are very much in love, but she recently shared about her absurd amount of student loans. What's the play here?

So, pretty normal, and this person is a doctor so has some pretty good earning opportunities available now or in the future. Not bad. I'd keep showing up until I didn't want to.

 

 

 

Just for full disclosure, I have a nice fat student loan bill myself, but it pales in comparison to hers.

Empathy is a healthy behavior to have. Just wait until you have a student loan and a home mortgage and a car payment and, etc, etc. It's been going on for generations, of course in differing ways and amounts. Part of life. Partner with a person whom you find compatible and, yup, that includes financial philosophy and practice.

[WhirlwindGuy]

If you had a lot of money, and she knew this, I would say leave her. The whole thing would be her playing you so you could help bail her out of her debt. Since though you have debt like her, she is not after money.

 

It comes down to how much you love her. If you love her, this shouldn't matter. For this to matter then maybe you're not that much in love with her.

 

 

 

Well its not an issue to me, because I am in love with her. I guess I am looking for advice to make sure im not thinking about this stupidly. Dumber decisions have been made in the name of love I would guess.

 

 

About the not marrying for a while until the debt is handled. I kind of agree.

[Lady2163]

Let's draw a hypothetical here:

 

 

You meet a wonderful person, you guys date a while, everything seems perfect, you have said your "I love you's" you have spent the night together several times, talked about a future potentially. Overall, you find yourself very in love with this person. Then one day they drop a bombshell on you that they are carrying a serious amount of student loan debt. What do you do?

 

 

Can you leave someone you are very in love with over this? Do you just continue on and wait until you get to that point to work through it?

Everyone I have met in my short dating time has had a pretty hefty student loan bill. I'm assuming with the country being over 1 Trillion in student loan debt, this is going to only get worse over time.

 

 

Currently I'm dating a doctor who is an amazing woman, we are very much in love, but she recently shared about her absurd amount of student loans. What's the play here?

 

 

Just for full disclosure, I have a nice fat student loan bill myself, but it pales in comparison to hers.

 

I feel sorry for your generation. You're all caught in a vicious cycle. Go to school, hold off getting married to pay down debt, unable to save for a down payment because of debt, hold off having kids to pay down debt and before you know it, you are 40! It seems like the system is conspiring against you.

 

You didn't say, but if she is a medical doctor, her income has the potential to sky rocket over time. I don't know what your occupation is.

 

She may have a lot of school debt now, but what are her spending habits like? Is she a shopper? Does she want lavish vacations? Does she spend a lot of money on extra curricular activities? If she is doing all of those, she may never get stable.

 

I spent my 30s paying off my 20s and a divorce. I had that moment where I had to decide, dig deep and get a second job OR declare bankruptcy. I knew I had many years of hard, lonely work ahead.

 

And through a fluke, I stumbled into a job that I loved and my income zoomed. I'm retiring in a few months and buying my dream house. I'm around 50 and I can afford one good trip a year, my dream house and a few toys for the rest of my life as long as I don't go overboard. Overboard at this age does mean if I meet a man who can't carry his weight financially, I can't keep him. I don't know what I'd do if he only had X number of years of child support left and then would be stable. I planning to get some part time work, which will bring in an extra $400-600, but I don't know if I'd want that to go for supporting someone else/step kids.

 

I guess for you (and me) to take the leap of any kind of permanency, we have to accept their debt and be willing to work toward achieving goals as a couple, not just as an individual. You need to evaluate your limits. My limit, maybe, just maybe I'd get a part time job to help out if I was in total love. But I wouldn't get a full time job and jump back into the rat race.

[WhirlwindGuy]

Empathy is a healthy behavior to have. Just wait until you have a student loan and a home mortgage and a car payment and, etc, etc. It's been going on for generations, of course in differing ways and amounts. Part of life. Partner with a person whom you find compatible and, yup, that includes financial philosophy and practice.

 

 

 

Oh believe me, I am empathetic. I had the mortgage before my ex wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore and blew up our lives.

 

I am divorced with a substantial child support payment, car payment, and student loan payment. While I don't carry near the student debt load she does...my child support and student loans combined is enough to buy a nice house. Instead i'm living in an apartment, praying for a promotion this year so I may be able to afford a starter house next year.

 

 

I just never knew the extent that some doctors go into debt to finish medical school.

Edited March 4, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

[Popsicle]

Just don't get married to her.

 

Love either has to conquer all (for the both of you!) or it doesn't conquer all. If it doesn't for you, then don't marry her.

[carhill]

Different folks get to their destination in different ways...

 

One topic of discussion is how she views the milieu of student, and other, debt and her plan of action for herself as she grows her medical career. How and why questions, open-ended, are wonderful ways of learning about synergy. You already apparently have some social, sexual and romantic synergy, so go with that.

 

Since she apparently broached the subject, interest in it may be welcomed. Find out.

[WhirlwindGuy]

You didn't say, but if she is a medical doctor, her income has the potential to sky rocket over time. I don't know what your occupation is.

 

She may have a lot of school debt now, but what are her spending habits like? Is she a shopper? Does she want lavish vacations? Does she spend a lot of money on extra curricular activities? If she is doing all of those, she may never get stable.

 

 

She is actually an Endodontist. I know Endos have pretty high earning potential, upwards of 500k a year apparently. I work in the corporate world for a large financial company. My earning potential is realistically 200 to 300 k a year. I make about 110 right now.

 

 

She works a ton of extra hours, basically she works 7 days a week, full time throughout the week at her practice she partners in, weekends she does contract work with the military, getting reservists ready to deploy. Her spending habits are pretty average. She doesn't spend much honestly. I pay for 90% of our dates, I am taking her on a small Vegas vacation next week. She has had some lavish vacations in the past, but I think those were paid for by her mother.

 

 

She comes from money, but I think a lot of her families wealth was lost in the housing bust in California.

 

 

We both have some work to do for sure, I guess hearing the number really gave me some anxiety...I feel scared for her mostly...and realize we may not be able to do the things we want to do, when we want to do them. That kind of sucks. I do feel like I love her unconditionally. I told her, when she told me, that we will work through it and figure it out...nothing we can do about it right now other than stay smart and live under our means for a while.

Edited March 4, 2016 by WhirlwindGuy

[AMJ]

I have an insane amount of student loan debt, so I'm a little biased. Once I told a guy I was dating about it, and he actually started to panic. I resented him but mostly thought..I'm not asking my debt to be your problem, I don't even know if I want to keep dating you...but it sounds like you two are in a more serious relationship than I was.

 

First of all, I think within our lifetime in the US there will be significant reform regarding the state of student loan debt. It's out of control. Call me naive, but I'm pretty hopeful for that.

 

As a doctor, she will absolutely eventually earn enough to pay down her debt. It takes around ten years after finishing residency.

 

You have a pretty serious amount of financial burden yourself, with child support and other bills you mentioned...so how is that different from her debt? It's just a little bit pot calling the kettle, is all. Children are a lifetime investment...let's face it, as soon as you finish paying off your own college, you'll start paying for theirs.

[ses]

I'm serious with my boyfriend, and I know he'll have ~$150-200k in student loan debt after he finishes med school. He's shared his debt burden with my parents as well, and they're fully supportive of him and his career path. My mother has also graciously offered to help us once he begins residency and we're looking for our own apartment together. I also plan on helping him out and chipping down our debt slowly so that post-residency we can live the life we want. We also don't want to have children which will help alleviate our debt, too.

 

An endontist is a lucrative dental specialty, and I'm sure your girlfriend is responsible and is doing her best to pay off her debt. I currently pay for the majority of expenses incurred in my relationship but I'm also the one currently working so I have no problem with it. If it bothers you to pay for 90% of dates, then you should discuss splitting costs or going for cheaper dates. You're both adults and in a serious relationship so you shouldn't be shouldering all of the burden, especially if you have "substantial" other payments. Don't stretch yourself thin. I know she comes from a traditionally immigrant culture but that doesn't mean you should bury yourself under further debt with lavish expenses.

[Eighty_nine]

I think this is unavoidable. Kids are so uneducated about student loans, their choice of university and debt-- unless you are lucky enough to have parents like I did-- but it seems to me, most people do not get the good advice to stick with a state school, live off campus if possible, pay as you go, etc.

 

I have zero student loan debt because I was insanely lucky to have a father who saved for college for me from the time I was born. He also helped me with graduate school and so I took out less than 10k for that, which I've been able to pay off in the last few years.

 

My boyfriend has something like 70k in student loan debt. It frankly bums me out because since we're having a child together, I see it as my responsibility too now, and I was so lucky to not accrue big time debt. But I honestly wouldn't leave a partner for that reason, since student loan debt is SO common and so astronomical.

 

Now if someone had tons of CC debt, that's a different story... I wouldn't leave them bc of the debt, but maybe because of their clear financial irresponsibility once. I racked up 2k of CC debt in my early twenties, and realized it really sucked to have to pay it off, and that was the end of that! It happens, but everyone should learn from those experiences and having that kind of debt into your early 30s is not OK.

[WhirlwindGuy]

You have a pretty serious amount of financial burden yourself, with child support and other bills you mentioned...so how is that different from her debt? It's just a little bit pot calling the kettle, is all. Children are a lifetime investment...let's face it, as soon as you finish paying off your own college, you'll start paying for theirs.

 

 

 

Oh I know, i'm not saying I am better than her by a long shot. If you factor earning potential, my situation is only marginally better than hers. I am just wondering if it is smart to combine our two problems into one mega problem.

 

 

I am in love with her, and would do it in a heart beat because I follow my heart usually, not my brain. I am just wondering what most people would do in this situation.

[LydiaLong]

Get a pre-nup

[AMJ]

Oh I know, i'm not saying I am better than her by a long shot. If you factor earning potential, my situation is only marginally better than hers. I am just wondering if it is smart to combine our two problems into one mega problem.

 

 

I am in love with her, and would do it in a heart beat because I follow my heart usually, not my brain. I am just wondering what most people would do in this situation.

 

There are benefits financially to being married, right? However my cousin was recently complaining while filing his taxes and tried to convince his wife to get a divorce because of how it would help them financially...lol. He's half joking but not really.

 

I get what you're saying. In the end, I always hope the heart wins out.

[truth_seeker]

My earning potential is realistically 200 to 300 k a year. I make about 110 right now.

 

If things don't work out, let me know. lol.

[S_A]

Wouldn't bother me. If she's the one, better to struggle together (with her) than alone

 

But that's just me. I wouldn't mind struggling if it were with the right person. With that said, it sounds like you're priority is money with the woman being secondary.

[Gaeta]

Not sure what the problem is.

 

Do you have to pay her rent and food?

 

I don't think so.

 

It's her debt not yours. Even if you marry, it's her debt, not yours.

 

I doubt student-loan payments keeps her from making a decent living. Again, I don't see the problem.

[katiegrl]

Let's draw a hypothetical here:

 

 

You meet a wonderful person, you guys date a while, everything seems perfect, you have said your "I love you's" you have spent the night together several times, talked about a future potentially. Overall, you find yourself very in love with this person. Then one day they drop a bombshell on you that they are carrying a serious amount of student loan debt. What do you do?

 

 

Can you leave someone you are very in love with over this? Do you just continue on and wait until you get to that point to work through it?

Everyone I have met in my short dating time has had a pretty hefty student loan bill. I'm assuming with the country being over 1 Trillion in student loan debt, this is going to only get worse over time.

 

 

Currently I'm dating a doctor who is an amazing woman, we are very much in love, but she recently shared about her absurd amount of student loans. What's the play here?

 

 

Just for full disclosure, I have a nice fat student loan bill myself, but it pales in comparison to hers.

 

Well depending on what type of doctor she is...she either is or has the potential to make A LOT of money. And should be able to pay off the loan within the next few years, if not sooner.

 

If you DO marry her before they're paid off, get a pre-nup so you don't take on that responsibility.

 

But I wouldn't worry about. In fact, perhaps you should give her points for becoming a doctor in the first place. That is NOT easy!

 

Good for her!

[d0nnivain]

. I am just wondering if it is smart to combine our two problems into one mega problem..

 

 

Your Q was should you stop DATING her. Of course not.

 

 

Should you marry her? That may be a different story. But there are ways to address those financial considerations. Especially since you have been married before, a pre-nup & some hard conversations about finances are in order before you even think about combining things.

 

 

Isn't that a way off though?

[AMJ]

Well depending on what type of doctor she is...she either is or has the potential to make A LOT of money. And should be able to pay off the loan within the next few years, if not sooner.

 

A few years?? People can have anywhere between 200-400K in debt after medical school. New doctors working in primary care make terrible salaries in comparison to what they spent on their education. Their best incentive is to become a specialist, but that requires another financial investment while going through a fellowship program.

 

I worked in an oncology fellowship program in a very expensive city. Our fellows were paid $50K...I have no idea how they were able to pay rent.

 

I'm just pointing this out to say OP isn't creating a problem out of thin air. People assume all doctors make tons of money but that's not always the case.

[Larryville]

The kind of debt would make a difference to me. Student loan debt owned by a doctor wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Massive credit card debt from an under employed person with a new car & a flat screen who vacations often would send me running.

 

what are her spending habits like? Is she a shopper? Does she want lavish vacations? Does she spend a lot of money on extra curricular activities? If she is doing all of those, she may never get stable.

 

Now I know… this a hypothetical here… but

 

You meet a wonderful person, you guys date a while, everything seems perfect, you have said your "I love you's" you have spent the night together several times, talked about a future potentially. Overall, you find yourself very in love with this person. Then one day they drop a bombshell on you that they are carrying a serious amount of student loan debt. What do you do?

 

See this is the thing I don’t get, me I’m not even getting to that point of the “I Love You” stuff unless much of these type of issues have been revealed, discussed, hashed over. Debt scares me to death and I’m not even slightly going down that road with anyone who could screw my life over because of financial issues. This is why to me the vetting process is important, asks questions and be straight up with those you are with.

 

what are her spending habits like?

 

Dated someone briefly, hot, nice person had great job (I knew her boss CEO of major hospital) but early red flags. Never allowed me to pick her up at her door, let it slip that she won a lottery just a few years earlier ($45,000) and she purchased this expensive car, our first two dates she wanted to go to a freaking casino and spent more money in 20 minutes than I spent on dinner, drinks and a show.

She never offered to pay for anything, I don’t mind paying for anything, I’m cool financially but I hate “entitled” types.

Turns out she was living with her daughter (long standing financial issues), carrying a $500 purse, expensive shoes. There is this term “ghetto fabulous” I try to stay clear of anyone exhibiting those traits. I’m not even remotely entertaining anyone’s debt issues I don't care if it's school debt or spending habits I'm vetting long before falling in love with anyone.