A great read on No Contact...and wondering if I should do it

[Babolat]

No Contact: Why you need to keep your proverbial door closed?even when they try to break it down by any means necessary | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

and her FB page:

 

https://www.facebook.com/baggagereclaim

 

I keep telling myself it's OK that my ex is contacting me, that we get together every couple weeks for a night of wildness, fun, companionship. I feel great, on cloud 9 for a few days...then I miss her, then the emotions are all over the place. I was "the dumper" too so it's confusing.

 

She is not going crazy or stalking me..actually it's just a text here and there, how are you, what I did today, kind of stuff, that eventually turns into a meet up, crazy wild sex for a night or two, lots of fun talking, catching up.....then she is quiet for a few days, then it starts back up.

 

Sometimes I think she has periods of feeling lonely and leans on me then.

 

We do not talk about dating again. She states she knows she needs to be alone right now while she works on herself, that she does not want to date, she feels she is in a growth period of her life, but that she misses me and is afraid she will lose me while she is working on herself. She also tells me I am everything she wants in a man, I am her best friend and she needs me in her life.

 

I keep telling myself I want to see the changes she is making, yet we are not together enough for me to see them, and I am not sure I want to take that risk as I am happy with my life. I do see some changes in her and I like them.

 

It's starting to emotionally take it's toll on me and I am concerned I am not allowing myself to be emotionally available for the next woman. Ugh.....

 

Then, when I think about NC, should I tell her I am going NC? Or just do it? What if during the next few months, with more time, both of us growing and working on ourselves, we are a better match?

 

Then, there are those times I think I should just hook up with a new girl, have crazy sex, then see how i feel afterwards....

 

Ok, I'm done...just wandering a bit.

[MrCastle]

Well I don't think you should tell her "I am going no contact on you, goodbye."

 

You either just do it, or you can say "I think I need some time alone to see where I'm at with everything," and then stop talking to her.

 

Because you're right, you need to be emotionally available for the next woman.

[hoping2heal]

Finally!!!

 

Someone who gets it completely and doesn't babble on about how to use NC to get their ex back but rather calls out the truth about your ex-coming back during NC and how screwed up it is.

[Babolat]

Well I don't think you should tell her "I am going no contact on you, goodbye."

 

You either just do it, or you can say "I think I need some time alone to see where I'm at with everything," and then stop talking to her.

 

Because you're right, you need to be emotionally available for the next woman.

 

Great way to say it should I decide to, thanks.

 

I tried to a few months ago, she replied with "I understand if that is what you need to do". A couple of back/forth texts later, then we are having sex the next day.

 

I want a relationship right now...that's the thing. Ugh...again...

 

And I do not think she does anything intentionally...I truly believe she is confused too..she responds and acts on her emotions more than I do though. Her daugter is back home from a summer vacation so it's my guess I will not be hearing from her as much sinc ehse will be focused on her, and not feeling alone. I "called" this last week with a buddy and sure enough, the texting from her has slowed waaaaay down over the past few days and is more formal.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Babolat

[KungFuJoe]

Babolat,

 

I'm going to give you the harsh reality and you can hate me for saying this...but...

 

You're ****ed.

 

You seriously are. It's best to just understand that the **** is not just going to hit the fan, but you're going to be eating a pie full of it. Maybe sooner...maybe later...but it will happen..

 

...unless you go COMPLETE NC.

 

But you won't.

 

I probably wouldn't either so I'm not judging you.

 

But you better pray you have an outlet when it happens because from the way you talk about your ex non stop around here, I can tell that you are EXTREMELY attached and when you find out she's seeing someone else and doesn't think it's a good idea that the two of you continue to see each other...you are going to be in a deep, dark pit of miserable despair.

 

And it could be worse. She might still want to see you even when she's with someone else.

 

Oh...it can get a WHOLE lot worse.

 

A. Whole. Lot. Worse.

[Babolat]

because from the way you talk about your ex non stop around here, I can tell that you are EXTREMELY attached

 

I thought just this last week as I was posting a reply. I refer to her all the time here. So yes, I guess I am attached to her and I wish I wasn't sometimes. I truly cannot explain the attachment. Sometimes I think it's an intense, very intense, physical attraction for both of us unlike one I have ever had before. Sometimes I see the incredible qualities in her that I want.

 

Yet I don't want to date her...it's strange to me. She even recently brought that up a couple of weeks ago. She asked me why we were even talking about dating one night, talking about our past concerns/issues, if I did not want to date her?

 

I don't think she would start seeing someone else without talking to me..actually I think she would talk to me BEFORE seeing someone else. Heck, she told me she had a date a while back, before the date, and had no reason to really.

Edited August 20, 2013 by Babolat

[KungFuJoe]

I thought just this last week as I was posting a reply. I refer to her all the time here. So yes, I guess I am attached to her and I wish I wasn't sometimes. I truly cannot explain the attachment. Sometimes I think it's an intense, very intense, physical attraction for both of us unlike one I have ever had before. Sometimes I see the incredible qualities in her that I want.

 

Yet I don't want to date her...it's strange to me. She even recently brought that up a couple of weeks ago. She asked me why we were even talking about dating one night, talking about our past concerns/issues, if I did not want to date her?

 

I don't think she would start seeing someone else without talking to me..actually I think she would talk to me BEFORE seeing someone else. Heck, she told me she had a date a while back, before the date, and had no reason to really.

 

I know you're not exactly new to dating but have you ever had ex sex with someone you still care and love for and then saw her end up with someone else?

 

I have and lemme tell you it was one of the worst times of my life. It was with my gf of 4 years and like you, *I* was the one who broke up with her. But, she pursued me, and I was still emotionally attached to her, so I started seeing her for only sex. Then we started going on "dates" where we would spend the entire day together. And things were going SO well. Better than ever. Even the sex was better than ever.

 

And then I started spending the night. And I could feel myself wanting to be with her...but yet...I didn't want to be with her still. I guess I was having my cake and eating it, too. Having what I thought was an exclusive "relationship" with her, without being exclusive.

 

Then one night, while I was on her computer checking something online...I read her email. And that's how I found out she was sleeping with someone else. And everything changed.

 

I won't go into more detail, but I did not handle it well...at all. Long story short, she chose the other guy over me and I went ballistic. First anger and resentment...later pure depression and misery. Sleeping pills and whiskey so I would just be asleep 24/7 because that was the only time I wasn't hurting.

 

Yeah, I had attachment and emotional issues back then from my childhood which contributed to my depression. I spent nearly 2 years in an emotional, depressive "haze". What made it worse is that we STILL had sex every now and then (I made her cheat on her new boyfriend, which I'm not proud of, though I was immensely "proud" of it back then) which kept the attachment going for me.

 

Not saying your situation is like mine, but I see a lot of similarities and just hoping I can spare you the heartache that I wish I was spared.

[Babolat]

I know you're not exactly new to dating but have you ever had ex sex with someone you still care and love for and then saw her end up with someone else?

 

I have and lemme tell you it was one of the worst times of my life. It was with my gf of 4 years and like you, *I* was the one who broke up with her. But, she pursued me, and I was still emotionally attached to her, so I started seeing her for only sex. Then we started going on "dates" where we would spend the entire day together. And things were going SO well. Better than ever. Even the sex was better than ever.

 

And then I started spending the night. And I could feel myself wanting to be with her...but yet...I didn't want to be with her still. I guess I was having my cake and eating it, too. Having what I thought was an exclusive "relationship" with her, without being exclusive.

 

Then one night, while I was on her computer checking something online...I read her email. And that's how I found out she was sleeping with someone else. And everything changed.

 

I won't go into more detail, but I did not handle it well...at all. Long story short, she chose the other guy over me and I went ballistic. First anger and resentment...later pure depression and misery. Sleeping pills and whiskey so I would just be asleep 24/7 because that was the only time I wasn't hurting.

 

Yeah, I had attachment and emotional issues back then from my childhood which contributed to my depression. I spent nearly 2 years in an emotional, depressive "haze". What made it worse is that we STILL had sex every now and then (I made her cheat on her new boyfriend, which I'm not proud of, though I was immensely "proud" of it back then) which kept the attachment going for me.

 

Not saying your situation is like mine, but I see a lot of similarities and just hoping I can spare you the heartache that I wish I was spared.

 

Thanks man, and your feedback on here has been very valuable to me. I kind of went thru the same with my first gf when I was 17.

 

I went on a local hike tonight with my hiking meetup group and ended up walking with and talking to a very attractive, and very cool woman the entire time. If only I had gotten her # as the hike ended real fast and everyone went to their cars.

 

So I still have it in me. And I want to meet someone I am compatible with.

 

The ex gf is texting me less and less since our 2 nights together last week, and it's feels almost forced from her. 1 text tonight, which I just did a quick reply too. I think it's because she is not feeling lonely now that her daughter is back home.

 

.

[EmperorR]

go NC now, with my last ex we broke up in 2009, its 4 years later and I never fully cut her off. And now I'm trying to and its so hard. Don't be me.

[KungFuJoe]

Thanks man, and your feedback on here has been very valuable to me. I kind of went thru the same with my first gf when I was 17.

 

I went on a local hike tonight with my hiking meetup group and ended up walking with and talking to a very attractive, and very cool woman the entire time. If only I had gotten her # as the hike ended real fast and everyone went to their cars.

 

So I still have it in me. And I want to meet someone I am compatible with.

 

The ex gf is texting me less and less since our 2 nights together last week, and it's feels almost forced from her. 1 text tonight, which I just did a quick reply too. I think it's because she is not feeling lonely now that her daughter is back home.

 

.

 

Hey...to be honest, I'm not even sure I could do NC, even knowing what I know how. It's EFFING HARD, which I'm sure you know all too well.

 

All I can say is that if I could somehow turn back time, I would have gone total NC with my first ex without a second's hesitation.

 

I think the more deeply in love and more attached you are with someone...the MORE you need to go full NC after it's over.

[soccerrprp]

It sounds like to me that you have a physical, sexual addiction to her. You don't want to go NC b/c you enjoy the SEX you have together. I've had a relationship where it was similar to that. I knew that it wouldn't work out, but when the idea of being FWB until we decided it wouldn't work, came up, we both jumped on that idea. It was our need to satisfy our physical needs with someone we already know and was comfortable with, but not willing to pursue anything more in terms of relationship.

 

Until either or both find someone else to satisfy these needs, you will conveniently use each other.

[Babolat]

It sounds like to me that you have a physical, sexual addiction to her. You don't want to go NC b/c you enjoy the SEX you have together. I've had a relationship where it was similar to that. I knew that it wouldn't work out, but when the idea of being FWB until we decided it wouldn't work, came up, we both jumped on that idea. It was our need to satisfy our physical needs with someone we already know and was comfortable with, but not willing to pursue anything more in terms of relationship.

 

Until either or both find someone else to satisfy these needs, you will conveniently use each other.

 

I have thought about this. And you may be right, though there are VERY strong emotions there and it's not just sex. We will spend the night together with no sex. And, when she leaves, I am starting to miss her, Months ago that was not the case.

 

She came out one night last week to watch me teach tennis (I volunteer to teach tennis to wheelchair bound folks), and just seeing her sit there, well, was amazing I almost could not stop looking at her. And I loved that she was there, seeing a part of my life she had not seen before. We went for a long walk afterwards, got some dinner, talked a lot, no sex, spent the night and I have not seen her since. I found myself thinking about her over the weekend.

 

We both commented months ago if we make another go at it we do not want to go half arse, rather all in. Though we are kind of doing that.

 

I do not want FWB with her.

 

Yesterday, I looked at her FB page for the first time in a long time. I saw a bikini pic of her and her sister at their familys beach house. As always she looked incredible..she could truly be a playboy playmate. One of her male FB "friends" commented "Wow, double yum!" and she Liked it. Then her daugher, 13 years old, comment in all caps "THATS MY MOM! you are yumming double yum too!". That bothered me and is one of the things that bugged me when we dated. Her posting pics on FB and her male friends posting what I saw as flirtatious, sexy comments, and her Liking the Comments. She commented later stating it's just good fun. All I could think is why did she not delete the comment to begin with; rather she Liked it. And her daughter sees this behavior.

 

I know, I could be taking it all out of context; I do not know the male friend, it could just be good fun between friends and maybe she does the same on his FB page.

 

I want to go NC, I feel like it's the right thing to do. I am not reaching out to her or persuing her...that's a start I guess. Right now I almost feel mad at her, like "leave me alone", though I know I have a say in this too and it still feels good to hear from her.

Edited August 21, 2013 by Babolat

[Babolat]

Update: She came over Saturday and we went to a sporting event she had tickets for. We then went to a bar to see a band play we both like. This was a BIG test if you will as last time there she got drunk and I had to baby sit her.

 

She drank in moderation and paced herself. She may have had a mild buzz at best. I drank more than she did actually.

 

She also smoked her e-cigarette, and has pretty much completely stopped smoking while drinking. SHE was the one who wanted to leave early as we had plans the next day. I was pleasantly surprised, and again, I am seeing changes in her that I know she is doing for herself.

 

Yesterday we did something we never did while dating...went out to a local restaurant, had a drink outside on their patio, in the middle of the day. I do this with my other friendsfrom time to time, but never did with her. It was very nice..one drink we stopped and left. In the past I think she would have wanted to keep drinking. We grilled out and had another drink, and that was it. Again, in the past that would have turned into many drinks.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Man, you know I like ya but you really need to s.. or get off the pot.

[Babolat]

Man, you know I like ya but you really need to s.. or get off the pot.

 

I don't disagree..really just "checking it out" for now, we are not dating, I don't want to..just trying to enjoy the time we do spend together. I am still doing my other "stuff".

[MidwestUSA]

Dude, you left out the sex and playing with her boobs! Addiction indeed!

 

(Unless you had a discussion about orgasms over coffee and didn't end up in the sack. If that's the case, my apology. )

Edited August 26, 2013 by MidwestUSA

[Babolat]

Dude, you left out the sex and playing with her boobs! Addiction indeed!

 

(Unless you had a discussion about orgasms over coffee and didn't end up in the sack. If that's the case, my apology. )

 

Ha! We actually had some of the orgasm talk while kayaking yesterday and then more back at my house last night.

 

And yeah, we ended up in the sack some this weekend. I told her I was NOT planning to have sex this weekend; she said she told herself the same before coming over. Oh well, we made it for a few hours without...

 

I planned to end the weekend on a quiet note last night though when I came to bed she had left one of her toys on the bed as a "hint" I think. She shyly grab it and hid it behind a pillow as I left the room; though I asked her to leave it out and let me watch. And she did....

[MidwestUSA]

Yeah, she's got you with a treble hook!

 

Hey, I've never had anyone be too rough with me, including mammo techs, and they are brutal! I take it hers are saline? I have used the line 'you break it, you buy it', but only in jest (although I do have a stash set aside for just such a freak accident, or the pitfalls of aging).

[Babolat]

Yeah, she's got you with a treble hook!

 

Hey, I've never had anyone be too rough with me, including mammo techs, and they are brutal! I take it hers are saline? I have used the line 'you break it, you buy it', but only in jest (although I do have a stash set aside for just such a freak accident, or the pitfalls of aging).

 

I don't know what hers are, my guess is silicone. I alwasy thought she likes it a little rougher as she would grab them rougher than me when she plays with them, or moan more as I got a little rougher. Last night she said I have only been too rough once, and she thought I burst one.

[Babolat]

We talked for 2 hours last night, and it was a good talk.

 

The entire men buying drinks conversation was over text, and I took a lot of things out of context.

 

She made it very clear she never accepted a drink from a man while we were dating. She also made it very clear she has high integrity, more than most of her gfs, and she made it clear to any man who approached her, in a bar or elsewhere, she was in a relationship and was not interested, when we were dating.

 

The 3 times while we we dating where she did accept a drink, were times where she was out with a bunch of girls, a birthday girls night out, a man. or group of men would buy the group of girls a round of drinks, and she did accept the drink. There was no talking, not sociailizing with the men. As she put it, it was men buying a round for the party, that was it. And she saw nothing wrong with that. She worked as a bartender for 15 years and states this is very common. A group of girls are out celebrating, a man. or group of men will buy them around of drinks, and it's all in good fun. If the men expressed other interests she made it very clear she was not interested that way.

 

I could see/feel her anger and frustration that I put her in the bucket of woman who do accept drinks, who do talk to men and who do not have boundaries when they are in a relationship. Knowing I thought this way about her really upset her.

 

We talked about some of the things that concerned me while we were dating. Mainly, the 2-3 times she stayed in a hotel room with her male best friend while he was in town. She got upset and said she was not in the room alone with him, there was always another friend, in 2 cases one of there common female best friends. She said she wanted to spend more time with them, see them, catch up, and stay out. It made sense to take a cab, and go back to the room. She sees no difference between that and going back to someones house to crash for the night.

 

She was good at saying she understood how I felt, how some of thi smade me feel uncomfortable. She said over and over that she is not that kind of woman, that she carrys herslef well and she made it clear she was with me.

 

I asked if her male best friend, who she sees as a brother, ever showed sexual interest in her. She said yes, when they first met, and she made it clear she was not interested and that would never happen. He has never hit on her or brought it up since. Since then she has been engaged in a 7 yearsrelationship, and then dated me. I met him while we dated and could instantly see he is a male whore, and she agrees, though I could tell she truly cared for him and saw him as a friend.

 

She said she gets scared thinking about us dating again as she felt defensive when with me; defensive with her drinking. She has cut way back on her drinking, and as she put it she is back to where she was, more normal, prior to when we met. I told her the same, i am scared to date again not knowing if she truly has cut back, and I do not know what normal drinking is for her. She said when we broke up she took a hard look at herself and realized she did not want to drink as much as she had been, she did not want to be that person, and changed for her.

 

We both agreed the past 5 months has been wonderful, when we did see each other. She said that's who she is now.

 

I have been talking about going no contact, and last night she agreed to it.

 

I am sad, I truly love and care for this woman, yet I know some things are just not right. She feels the same. Each time we talk I feel better, I gain a better understanding of who she is and how she thinks, and so does she. Who knows what the future holds.

[Babolat]

Update: Almost 3 weeks NC. She did send me an email Friday night, which I waitied until Sunday night to read and reply to.

 

She wanted to tell me, again, she is not drinking as much, went the entire week without drinking, did not go out, and they she does not think she has a problem at all. She did have to say, which I thought was cute, "but I am going out tonight!"

 

She said she misses me, loves me, sees us together, growing old together, that she needs more time to make sure she is OK with her "going out" and drinking. She is afraid to lose me, but understands it may happen, and that she is scared to date again because of how she loses herself when dating.

 

I replied, pretty much acknowledging her comments, repeating what I heard.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Update: Almost 3 weeks NC. She did send me an email Friday night, which I waitied until Sunday night to read and reply to.

 

She wanted to tell me, again, she is not drinking as much, went the entire week without drinking, did not go out, and they she does not think she has a problem at all. She did have to say, which I thought was cute, "but I am going out tonight!"

 

She said she misses me, loves me, sees us together, growing old together, that she needs more time to make sure she is OK with her "going out" and drinking. She is afraid to lose me, but understands it may happen, and that she is scared to date again because of how she loses herself when dating.

 

I replied, pretty much acknowledging her comments, repeating what I heard.

 

It doesn't sound like you are closer to being over her.

[sickpuppy]

Update: Almost 3 weeks NC. She did send me an email Friday night, which I waitied until Sunday night to read and reply to.

 

She wanted to tell me, again, she is not drinking as much, went the entire week without drinking, did not go out, and they she does not think she has a problem at all. She did have to say, which I thought was cute, "but I am going out tonight!"

 

She said she misses me, loves me, sees us together, growing old together, that she needs more time to make sure she is OK with her "going out" and drinking. She is afraid to lose me, but understands it may happen, and that she is scared to date again because of how she loses herself when dating.

 

I replied, pretty much acknowledging her comments, repeating what I heard.

 

 

Dude this chick is using you. She's using you for an emotional and sometimes physical fix. She thinks you aren't a real man as she has to explain her actions regarding drink buying etc. to you.

 

This woman is obviously toxic to you. (She may not be a bad person but she's toxic to you.) You are taking it personally and are obviously scared to lose her thinking if you go NC for good you'll "never really know" but yet you already do know how things are going.

 

Be glad you don't end up with this woman let ALONE ever have married her.

 

You really need to FORCE yourself to meet more women. Don't be so available to her. Don't be her "girlfriend" shoulder to lean on. If you become that this woman will actually respect you even less. IF she tries it change the subject. Let some other dude be her shoulder to lean on girlfriend. She'll eventually lose feelings for that guy.

 

This woman sounds like she's out exploring her options and you are one of them but an option of emotional fix and sometimes physical.

 

In the end you know you need to go complete and full no contact. Most people won't and or are too afraid to putting their own needs to the side because they think they'll never find someone as good or even better. People think if I just keep trying I can make it work. It pretty much never works and they end up even more F'd up.

 

Some challenges aren't meant to be won but simply as learning experiences in life to grow from with someone much better. If you don't learn and grow from this leaving and going full no contact you're going to go insane.

 

You're looking for any ray of hope. It's not good and you know it. You are making her a priority. She has you as an option.

 

You need to really meet more people. You have needs to. It's about you too. Not just this woman who is an obssessive challenge to you in some need to be "completed" by her as if you're a broken person on your own.

 

You need to move on. You may just wind up looking back on this situation in the future and thinking to yourself: Holy crap. I wasted all that time on THAT. What the hell was I thinking...

 

And have met someone way better for you and you for that new person.

[Ruby Slippers]

Babolat, you know I feel for you.

 

My guy and I are discussing breaking up right now, and it's just so sad and hard. My head says we are probably just too different and not a match for the long haul, but my heart fights and fights it, and so does his.

 

The only advice I can offer is to be true to yourself and respectful to her. But I know you're already doing that. I wish you all the best.

[Babolat]

It doesn't sound like you are closer to being over her.

Actually, I am.

 

I had no plans to reply to her email for that very reason. Out of respect, I did, and kept it simple, more of a "good for you, proud of you" reply.