Single Parents or those dating a single parent - your imput

[dreamergrl]

After reading some responses on another thread - that was basically about dating a single parent. There was the response that basically it was okay not to give two sh*ts about the SO's children. So I'm curious how other single parents would react. I'm also curious if this is common for those dating a single parent.

 

After dating six months and then a year or so - how involved do you expect your SO to be with your children? Would you hope they know a certain amount of info?

 

How would you feel if your SO asked you away for the holidays when it is generally kid time? How would you feel if your SO expected you to be with them and not your children on the holidays? How would you feel if you SO's attitude was "don't tell me about the kids, I'm not interested"? Or "If we have children together, I expect him to be with me and OUR children, not his previous children"?

[mammax3]

It's really hard because each family sitch is SO different than another... some things to consider:

 

 

• is the kids other parent in the picture?
  
• What's the custody arrangement?
  
• What are the ages of the kids?
  
• At what point does the single parent want interaction between their 'new' SO and their kids? (this varies wildly - some believe right at the beginning, others not until engagement)
  

As for some of your other question about "Don't tell me about your kids" or "Your kids are Yours, never mine", those are dealbreakers for me (but maybe not other single parents). I understand if the single parent's introduction policy is Later When It's Serious and therefore doesn't want to discuss the kids and just meet as baggageless adults (ha!) but the bottom line is It's a package deal. There are children, forever connected exes, baggage, challenges (of a different sort)...

 

As for me, I don't think I could ever date a man who wasn't a dad. I think that a single/never-been-a-dad man would never understand me or my situation. A different amount of patience, tolerance, and caring openminded understanding is needed with a single parent that would be unusual to find in an unchilded person.

 

After 6mos-year I would expect a certain amount of brief time together- walk to the park, dinner together, a movie etc a few times a month.

[dreamergrl]

It's really hard because each family sitch is SO different than another... some things to consider:

 

 

• is the kids other parent in the picture?
  
• What's the custody arrangement?
  
• What are the ages of the kids?
  
• At what point does the single parent want interaction between their 'new' SO and their kids? (this varies wildly - some believe right at the beginning, others not until engagement)
  

 

Very true, I agree there are a lot of variables to be considered.

 

I would think though, it would be selfish to expect a person automatically to deny their kids on Christmas (especially younger kids).

 

I would hope that the single parent would want to be involved in their kids life, and expect their SO at some point to accept it (especially after a year).

 

I come from a split family - and maybe I'm more biased about it because I know the effect it can have on a kid - but while my mom would not let a guy come between me and her, my dad had no problem with it. Grant it I know this isn't always the case, and eventually you can get over it, but it's not easy on a kid to be fighting for attention over their parent.

 

I think when dating a parent one should assume they will not be #1 and not have expectations of their SO leaving behind their kids. And if it is in fact a deal breaker not being #1 - then they shouldn't be dating a parent. JMO

[lucy9216]

There is alot more involved when dating a single parent and some people just don't want to deal with it , and that is fine. I always tell someone upfront that I have two kids before any emotional attachment comes into play and with doing this I hope to weed out the ones that are willing to accept it to the ones who are not. If after 6 months to a year goes by and the SO does not want anything to do with my kids this would be a definate deal breaker especially if they don't even want to hear about them. That is like saying your SO has a passion for guitars, music, sports, pets, or whatever it may be and I would tell them just dont talk about that stuff around me. Granted kids are different than a hobby but it is a big part of a parents life and discrediting anything that means so much to your SO is just disprespectful, whatever it may be.

[SummerLady]

I am a single parent and I am dating someone that has kids but they are older. He loves me and knows I am a package deal. My kids are young. I do not think he wanted or wished to have little kids again but he met me and wants to be with me, hence my kids as well. I think if you really love someone it does not matter. If you don't really love someone its a royal pain the azz. That is the determining factor.

[Bleeve]

I am a single father and when I start to date someone, how much interest they show in my kid and understanding that a lot of my time and energy goes to him is a big part of whether I continue to date them

[Thornton]

I was one of those people who posted on the other thread - I have very little involvement with my bf's kids and both he and I are happy with that.

 

In my experience, that attitude seems to be common among a certain subset of people, but not among others. People with children of their own, or people of low socio-economic status (i.e. people who are more family-oriented and not very self-and-career-oriented) seem to be more accepting of their SO's kids. Those who have no children of their own, who have a lot of education and who have invested a lot of time and effort in themselves and their professional careers, and are generally used to being very selfish and non-family-oriented... those sort of people seem to be less accepting of their SO's kids.

 

I fall into the latter group... my lifestyle is not at all child-friendly and I'm not prepared to change it for children that aren't even mine. My SO's lifestyle also isn't very child-friendly, which is why he only visits his kids once every couple of weeks and why they only visit our home once or twice a year. My preference would be to date someone without children - to me, my SO's children are something I have to tolerate if I want to be in a relationship with him. If he was more involved with his children I wouldn't be prepared to date him, but since they aren't around much I find the situation tolerable and our relationship works ok.

 

I realise that not everyone would be happy with our situation, but it works for us. Of the career-women that I know, pretty much all of them are unaccepting of any children their spouse may have; they don't have room for children in their ambitious and driven lives. Men have to be more accepting if they want to date a woman with kids, because she usually has custody... it's much easier for a woman to date a man with kids and avoid any involvement in their lives, because he usually doesn't have custody.

[northstar1]

I was one of those people who posted on the other thread - I have very little involvement with my bf's kids and both he and I are happy with that.

 

In my experience, that attitude seems to be common among a certain subset of people, but not among others. People with children of their own, or people of low socio-economic status (i.e. people who are more family-oriented and not very self-and-career-oriented) seem to be more accepting of their SO's kids. Those who have no children of their own, who have a lot of education and who have invested a lot of time and effort in themselves and their professional careers, and are generally used to being very selfish and non-family-oriented... those sort of people seem to be less accepting of their SO's kids.

 

I fall into the latter group... my lifestyle is not at all child-friendly and I'm not prepared to change it for children that aren't even mine. My SO's lifestyle also isn't very child-friendly, which is why he only visits his kids once every couple of weeks and why they only visit our home once or twice a year. My preference would be to date someone without children - to me, my SO's children are something I have to tolerate if I want to be in a relationship with him. If he was more involved with his children I wouldn't be prepared to date him, but since they aren't around much I find the situation tolerable and our relationship works ok.

 

I realise that not everyone would be happy with our situation, but it works for us. Of the career-women that I know, pretty much all of them are unaccepting of any children their spouse may have; they don't have room for children in their ambitious and driven lives. Men have to be more accepting if they want to date a woman with kids, because she usually has custody... it's much easier for a woman to date a man with kids and avoid any involvement in their lives, because he usually doesn't have custody.

 

But then why even get involved with someone with kids in the first place? I mean if you are higher on the socio-economic ladder, shouldn't there be a vast range of child-free options for you regardless?

 

Most people I know who are that busy with their lives and careers and don't want kids in any capacity would choose to select someone without kids in the first place to date. Makes it even easier for them.

[jennifer4]

I always let any potential date know that I have 4 kids. A lot of guys freak at that and no date ever comes. Some can handle the fact. I do expect a guy to want to get to know my kids gradually. I don't introduce a guy to the kids until I feel it's serious. If a guy wanted to go away durring a holiday like christmas, I would have to say no. I would hope though that a guy I'd known for a while would find a way to incorporate the kids into a vacation or wait for another time. It's tough dating a single parent and it's tougher being the singe parent dating.. I am finding it rough and I've been a single mom for the past 5 1/2 yrs!

[Thornton]

But then why even get involved with someone with kids in the first place?

 

I think it's becoming more difficult to find someone of a certain age without kids. Once people get to 30-ish, a huge proportion of them have children... arguably the desirable people who are prepared to have a committed relationship have probably had such a relationship which resulted in children, while those who haven't had such a relationship are either undesirable or not prepared to have that kind of commited relationship. In other words, the type of guy who I would have wanted to date at 20 is probably divorced with kids by 30 or 40, and those who don't have kids are probably the undesirable and uncommitted guys who I wouldn't have wanted to date in the first place. This generally leaves me with the unenviable choice of dating an unsuitable guy, or dating a decent guy with kids. Dating a decent guy and avoiding involvement with his kids is often the best compromise available.

Edited October 13, 2009 by Thornton

[northstar1]

I think it's becoming more difficult to find someone of a certain age without kids. Once people get to 30-ish, a huge proportion of them have children... arguably the desirable people who are prepared to have a commited relationship have probably had such a relationship which resulted in children, while those who haven't had such a relationship are either undesirable or not prepared to have that kind of commited relationship. In other words, the type of guy who I would have wanted to date at 20 is probably divorced with kids by 30 or 40, and those who don't have kids are probably the undesirable and uncommitted guys who I wouldn't have wanted to date in the first place.

 

Oh, that I understand. I'm in my mid 30's and it is increasingly difficult.

I have tried dating a few single women in the past and I realized that I was not ready for that responsibility, as well as the fact that there were certain complications that come with such situations. After that, I realized I'd rather just wait until I met someone who didn't have kids.

[LovieDove24]

As a single mother who has the majority of my daughter's custody, it is extremely important that my SO at the very least ENJOY spending time with my daughter. I am not asking for him to love her, but he must be able to tolerate and welcome all of the ups and downs that come with raising children. Because of this, I have found it easiest to date guys who also have children themselves. They understand the importance of loving and raising a healthy child.

 

I once had a friend who has children herself that actually said she HATES dating guys with kids because it becomes a jealousy factor. In my opinion that is assanine. Any healthy parent who is truly interested in their SO can seperate the different kinds of love involved and offer a sufficient time schedule to give each enough quality time.

 

Basically, anyone who has an issue with my daughter is not a good match for me.

[sally4sara]

But then why even get involved with someone with kids in the first place? I mean if you are higher on the socio-economic ladder, shouldn't there be a vast range of child-free options for you regardless?

 

Most people I know who are that busy with their lives and careers and don't want kids in any capacity would choose to select someone without kids in the first place to date. Makes it even easier for them.

 

I think a better question would be why would someone uninterested in a life that accommodates kids go ahead and have them?

 

I didn't have my fiance and my son around each other much for the first year we were dating. I didn't have him around my son at all for 6 or 7 months. He knew I had a son and what days I would not be available to hang out. It was mostly because I didn't want to expose my son to someone who might be a detrimental influence or make him feel unwanted. I have male friends, some who have kids of their own. My son and I would get together with them, but it is a different vibe than having your BF over. Friends of either gender that do not enjoy even well behaved kids didn't get invited over when my son was around either. I can't imagine putting my son in a situation where he would be made to feel like a leper or treated shabbily just because I might get laid.

 

I understand that toddlers can wear on childless people, but really, after age 7, a well behaved kid is just a small person. They want to be your friend and to treat you like the most fascinating person alive, even if you're a overly entitled jerk.

 

My fiance is highly educated and comes from an affluent background. He and his family readily accepted my son (age 8 at the time).

I would not have stayed with my fiance if he had ever tried to limit my life as a parent in anyway. My mother allowed men she dated and my step father to treat me as a detriment and it hurt. It would hurt anyone of any age to have the people you should most trust let someone crap on you and act like they didn't want you around. No amount of education can excuse that kind of attitude.

[SummerLady]

Bottom line with all that has been said is this. If you find someone that you really love or care about, are you willing to walk away from that person beccause they have kids? Kids grow up and move away. If you can find plenty of people to date that you consider a good fit for you then more power to you..I would never pass on someone because of this BUT again it would have to be someone I considered special as kids do make the situation more complex. It has to be the right person. Bottom line. Only you can make that call.

[New Again]

After reading some responses on another thread - that was basically about dating a single parent. There was the response that basically it was okay not to give two sh*ts about the SO's children. So I'm curious how other single parents would react. I'm also curious if this is common for those dating a single parent.

 

After dating six months and then a year or so - how involved do you expect your SO to be with your children? Would you hope they know a certain amount of info?

 

How would you feel if your SO asked you away for the holidays when it is generally kid time? How would you feel if your SO expected you to be with them and not your children on the holidays? How would you feel if you SO's attitude was "don't tell me about the kids, I'm not interested"? Or "If we have children together, I expect him to be with me and OUR children, not his previous children"?

I'm not a single parent, but I'll weigh in:

My bf's ex-gf is a single mother. However, she does not have custody. He never met her children. They dated about a year. Knew each other longer. She rarely sees them (maybe once a year?); she does talk to them on the phone, but usually fails to pay the child support that she owes her ex-husband, despite being employed and otherwise debt free. She's not a very responsible person. She (obviously) would never have any kind of issue with these types of questions.

 

My point being, not everyone is the "ideal" parent.

 

Not everyone fits into a particular mold.

 

Single parents of both sexes have varying degrees of interest, involvement, and commitment to their children.

 

If you want to judge other people, and other people's decisions, based on your own values, I suppose that is your right. (Dreamer, I'm not specifically addressing this statement to you, "you" and "your" is a general you/your.)

 

As long as everyone is open and honest about their expectations within their relationships as a single parent, or with a single parent...to each his/her own.

Edited October 13, 2009 by New Again

[RedDevil66]

I was one of those people who posted on the other thread - I have very little involvement with my bf's kids and both he and I are happy with that.

 

In my experience, that attitude seems to be common among a certain subset of people, but not among others. People with children of their own, or people of low socio-economic status (i.e. people who are more family-oriented and not very self-and-career-oriented) seem to be more accepting of their SO's kids. Those who have no children of their own, who have a lot of education and who have invested a lot of time and effort in themselves and their professional careers, and are generally used to being very selfish and non-family-oriented... those sort of people seem to be less accepting of their SO's kids.

 

I fall into the latter group... my lifestyle is not at all child-friendly and I'm not prepared to change it for children that aren't even mine. My SO's lifestyle also isn't very child-friendly, which is why he only visits his kids once every couple of weeks and why they only visit our home once or twice a year. My preference would be to date someone without children - to me, my SO's children are something I have to tolerate if I want to be in a relationship with him. If he was more involved with his children I wouldn't be prepared to date him, but since they aren't around much I find the situation tolerable and our relationship works ok.

 

I realise that not everyone would be happy with our situation, but it works for us. Of the career-women that I know, pretty much all of them are unaccepting of any children their spouse may have; they don't have room for children in their ambitious and driven lives. Men have to be more accepting if they want to date a woman with kids, because she usually has custody... it's much easier for a woman to date a man with kids and avoid any involvement in their lives, because he usually doesn't have custody.

 

 

My feelings exactly. I'm well educated, have a great career, am also in school, in my mid 40's, never had kids and never wanted kids. But met a guy with 2 young kids.

I swore I would never date a guy with kids but him and I got along great and yes, the dating pool is narrow for men w/out kids.

 

I only met his kids after being together 6 months and was not impressed.

They are needy and just not well behaved.

I've been with my BF 4 yrs now and I see his kids (or should I say, tolerate his kids) every 3-4 months for a supper or something.

 

This is a special case though because if he had great kids, I would be around them MUCH more!

 

If I had to do it all over, I would date a man with no kids or MUCH older kids. Like kids in their 20's.

[Thornton]

Bottom line with all that has been said is this. If you find someone that you really love or care about, are you willing to walk away from that person beccause they have kids? Kids grow up and move away.

 

The problem is, kids don't grow up and move away. They're always on the phone, coming to visit or wanting you to visit them, wanting money for something, wanting you to see the grandkids when they have them... they never go away, and neither does their mother (his ex). That's why I don't like to date guys with kids if I have any other reasonable options.

 

I think a better question would be why would someone uninterested in a life that accommodates kids go ahead and have them?

 

Well the problem is, I didn't have them - he did. Plus if we're talking about the guy here, he doesn't have to want kids in order to have them, he just has to slip up with the contraception and after that he's got no choice in the matter. Besides, I'm not disinterested in a life that accomodates kids; I'm just disinterested in a life that accommodates someone else's kids.

[sally4sara]

I can understand finding someone who has kids to be of a desirable character; we are walking proof that we are capable of caring for people other than ourselves.

But kids feel it when someone views them with distaste. It effects them in a negative way. I was a very precocious child, so of course I could tell when an adult didn't enjoy my presence even when they faked it. I do remember some of my more naive childhood friends picking up on these vibes too. So when a person who doesn't want kids in their life decides to over look the kids in someone else's life for the relationship they wish to gain, they are making the choice to influence these kids without concern for the effect.

And to have an "oops" moment and end up with kids despite holding to wanting a childless life? You can still have a childless life. You can even do that with or without paying child support as a man and even as a woman (adoption or letting the father take the child). My father walked and stayed gone. I'm personally glad for that solitary rejection. What good could such a selfish person bring to my life? Plus I watched my brother get repeatedly rejected by his waffling father's half-ass attempts and grew to consider myself even luckier by comparison.

[New Again]

Plus I watched my brother get repeatedly rejected by his waffling father's half-ass attempts and grew to consider myself even luckier by comparison.

I think this raises a really good question, and I've actually been dying to ask my bf if (or how) his ex's parenthood (or lack thereof) affected his opinion of her. I have a hard time not judging her.

 

The only reason I know she's a mother is from online stalking/other people, and the only reason I know she usually doesn't pay child support is because I've seen the letters from the government at his house (she apparently didn't even let them know her new address when she moved out).

 

I once tried to bring it up in a roundabout way, by commenting on her not wanting a family when it naturally came up in conversation, but he didn't take the bait.

[SummerLady]

The problem is, kids don't grow up and move away. They're always on the phone, coming to visit or wanting you to visit them, wanting money for something, wanting you to see the grandkids when they have them... they never go away, and neither does their mother (his ex). That's why I don't like to date guys with kids if I have any other reasonable options.

 

 

 

Well the problem is, I didn't have them - he did. Plus if we're talking about the guy here, he doesn't have to want kids in order to have them, he just has to slip up with the contraception and after that he's got no choice in the matter. Besides, I'm not disinterested in a life that accomodates kids; I'm just disinterested in a life that accommodates someone else's kids.

 

Kids do grow up and get their own lives. Point is they are not always as dependent on you as they are as children, if they are there are serious other issues. Their ex's do go away to a degree but no they never go away permanently. But why is this an issue if the person you are with is with you and no longer with the ex? Yes adult children can ask for money and such but does not mean you have to give it to them. This is way over thinking it. There would be some sacrifice but only the person involved can decide if its worth it.

[sally4sara]

I think this raises a really good question, and I've actually been dying to ask my bf if (or how) his ex's parenthood (or lack thereof) affected his opinion of her. I have a hard time not judging her.

 

Understood. I don't judge people for choosing a childless life. I do, however, end up judging them when they drag a kid into that choice.

Edited October 13, 2009 by sally4sara

[BCCA]

The problem is, kids don't grow up and move away. They're always on the phone, coming to visit or wanting you to visit them, wanting money for something, wanting you to see the grandkids when they have them... they never go away, and neither does their mother (his ex). That's why I don't like to date guys with kids if I have any other reasonable options.

 

So would you continue to date your current bf if other options came along?

 

Well the problem is, I didn't have them - he did. Plus if we're talking about the guy here, he doesn't have to want kids in order to have them, he just has to slip up with the contraception and after that he's got no choice in the matter. Besides, I'm not disinterested in a life that accomodates kids; I'm just disinterested in a life that accommodates someone else's kids.

 

My issue with this is that youre not being accepting of who the guy actually is, youre asking him to all but pretend he doesnt have kids around you. They are part of his life, and although you yourself did not concieve them, its pretty rough to say things like you dont want to accomadate someone else's kids...someone that youre in a romantic relationship with.

 

FYI - I dont have kids, and wouldnt date someone that did.

 

You should date somone without kids, seriously. It wouldnt be fair to the guy or the kids.

[Double]

To each their own.

[Thornton]

So would you continue to date your current bf if other options came along?

 

That's a very difficult question. He has a lot of positive things going for him to counteract the negative of having kids; someone else would have to be pretty great in order to be preferable to him. But if I met someone else without kids who I liked as much as I like him, who also liked me and would be faithful (unlikely though finding such a guy may be)... then yes, I'd probably switch boyfriends. But as it stands now, my current bf with kids is a better option than the other available guys without kids, and I don't foresee Mr Perfect coming along so I'm sticking with the guy I already have.

[dreamergrl]

That's a very difficult question. He has a lot of positive things going for him to counteract the negative of having kids; someone else would have to be pretty great in order to be preferable to him. But if I met someone else without kids who I liked as much as I like him, who also liked me and would be faithful (unlikely though finding such a guy may be)... then yes, I'd probably switch boyfriends. But as it stands now, my current bf with kids is a better option than the other available guys without kids, and I don't foresee Mr Perfect coming along so I'm sticking with the guy I already have.

 

So basically you're settling, and you're bringing in the kids to bare the brunt of it. Because you're distaste for them (as someone mentioned) will have an impact on them. Does that not matter to you? How do you feel okay with having a negative impact on a child who is growing and learning and developing?

 

As for someone who has no interaction with their own child, I think that speaks volumes about the type of person they are. They help make a child, but they run out on their child?

 

Just because you're dating pool sucks doesn't mean you should make misery for someone else just because nothing better has come along.

 

If you're dating someone with kids, understand that they have to be a priority, understand that the ex is likely to be there. And no, they don't just grow up and go away, they are still family to someone, and just because they are an adult doesn't mean they should be outed. Grant it they may not be there for every holiday - but they are still family.

 

I have ex step brothers who I will always look at as brothers, an ex step father who will always be a father figure type to me because that is who I grew up with. He was more of a dad to me then my real dad. The new family is just as important as the old family. When you become involved with someone who has kids, you become someone important in their eyes - at some point - whether you like it or not. Kids want approval and love from those close to them, and their parents. They want to be liked and cared about. How do you think it would make them feel to be treated as unimportant and unwanted?