[23 F] Boyfriend [23 M] expects me to be perfect [update 2016-06-24]

[Lovehel]

We have been going out 6 years, I met him when I was 17.

 

First of all, I do have anger issues due to things I have been through in my past and when I drink it tends to bring out the worst in me.

 

Nothing ever got physical before three years ago now, he was hiding talking to his ex from me, meeting her behind my back, I felt so betrayed, I pushed his back while he was sitting at the computer, he looked really angry and said "do it again", the fact he was threatening me, bothered me, so I did. Next thing all hell breaks loose, I was slammed on the bed, I end up kicking him, pinching him, grabbing his hair, he held me down slapped me grabbed my hair when I tried to get away, I was not backing down, and it was dangerous. He claims it was my fault for starting it, but it scared me how angry he could get easily. There was no drink involved this time, and he claims he was defending himself to this day. I ended up leaving his house and had to be picked up sobbing by my mom and sister, they were extremely worried, I felt terrible.

 

After this, we were at a party and his friend kept talking about another ex of his for about 15 mins, there was drink involved and I got into a drunk rage when he dropped me home that I have never had before, I pushed him, hit him, took his glasses and felt like breaking them so much but didn't, I felt such hatred towards him. He didn't fight back, and the next day I was in shock at how I behaved, I never felt so bad in my life. I apologized prefusely, and have never drank that much again. Recently he told me he told his friends about this, I was upset that he would humiliate me like that, and did feel it was disloyal. he said that he wasn't going to be "like a beaten wife, hiding the abuse".

 

I regret these times because I acted like my drunk father, something I always despised, and that hurt me deeply.

 

Now he always brings up these times horrible situations, whenever I feel he has done anything wrong, he says well remember when...

and it does sound a lot worse than anything he is doing, so I end up feeling like a horrible person, thats lucky to even have him.

 

He has done things on a more constant basis that I feel is disrespectful, He would sometimes pretend to play fight, which was actually about humiliating me, he would be walking behind and shove my shoulders with his hands, almost tripping me. Everyone would stare. I got upset, he said you could have done it back, it was a joke.

 

I would try and have a conversation in a restaurant about a problem, he would talk about womens bodies really loudly, use the word c*ck, t*ts, put his fist up to my face as the waiter was there. When I looked shocked, he thought it was funny and said grow up,you're so reserved.

 

One of the things that really bothers me is this girl he has been jamming with for a year who I have never met,

 

She has sent him msgs with crying emoticons saying she misses him.

 

She says she falls in love with music every time she hears him. She feels cosy with him. That she has grown so much since she has met him. They send each other sweet messages.

 

He offered to cook for her when she was sick, they have been hanging out in his car alone.He has gone to doctors to get sick notes for her. I told him how weird it was, he said he is a good person and wanted to help her, and that I am just jealous. I found msgs he sent his friend saying he has mixed feelings for her, he hasn't seen a signal yet, he passed it off as a dirty joke, that he was single at the time and made me out to be over reacting.

 

Whenever I bring it up he just rolls his eyes like here we go again, calls me names like bipolar, psycho, tells me I embarrass him in front of people, thinks I am crazy jealous and immature so until I calm down he won't invite me. He said if I was to do that with another man he wouldn't mind, and he would trust me if I said we are just friends.

 

It seems no matter how sorry I am none of the mistakes I made will ever go away, and no matter how much he has hurt me, it is because I am crazy apparently and nothing to do with him?

 

He has told me he is not willing to quit the band he is in with this person he refuses I meet until I "calm down", that I am unreasonable. At this point I don't know if I can ever be around him or his friends after he has painted should an awful picture of me? and if I am so horrible, why does he want to be with me?

[preraph]

Neither of you should even be in a relationship until you work on yourselves. It can't be any fun. You would be better off alone than going through all this chaos. Please do NOT bring kids into this. It would be irresponsible. They will only make it worse and be the victims. Get away from him and forget about him and get yourself into therapy.

[Tayla]

Change behavior. change attitude.

 

those are key to others that you genuinely are sorry.

 

what therapy have you chosen to bring peace into your life?

 

Heal well, you may surprise yourself in a few years

 

Since u broke up back in March, maybe now would be a good opportunity for you to re evaluate your behavior and actions?

Edited April 8, 2016 by Tayla

[elaine567]

You already know what this is. Emotional abuse.

Stay away from him or he WILL send you crazy.

[Lovehel]

His bad manners shock me.

 

I have talked to him about this many times, he doesn't get it.

 

When I stay over and we wake up in the morning he will go with his mom and have breakfast while I am in his room with the door he shut closed for 30 mins...he comes back and to wake him up on how rude he is, I say how was breakfast? he says nice...he told me if I want to eat I can go to the shop and also buy something to make his mom and him to eat? since I never offered before he said...

 

His reason for this is because he never stayed over in my family's home for 5 years, my reason for doing this is he lacks manners, and I don't want to shock my family, not to mention they hate him.

 

His mom judges me and looks at me with stern cold eyes, sometimes fake smiles if I'm lucky...

 

I have no problem cooking for my boyfriend, but his b*tch of a mother, never. All she would do is compare how great her food is to mine, and it would become a competition that I don't want to get into...

 

When I left that afternoon, I pretended I was going to the shop, I asked her if she wanted anything, she said no. not even a thank you for asking, nothing. I said well bye then, didn't get one back.

 

What would you do? I can't really take this much more...

Edited April 10, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TaraMaiden2]

His bad manners shock me.

 

I have talked to him about this many times, he doesn't get it.

 

When I stay over and we wake up in the morning he will go with his mom and have breakfast while I am in his room with the door he shut closed for 30 mins...he comes back and to wake him up on how rude he is, I say how was breakfast? he says nice...he told me if I want to eat I can go to the shop and also buy something to make his mom and him to eat? since I never offered before he said...

 

His reason for this is because he never stayed over in my family's home for 5 years, my reason for doing this is he lacks manners, and I don't want to shock my family, not to mention they hate him.

 

His mom judges me and looks at me with stern cold eyes, sometimes fake smiles if I'm lucky...

 

I have no problem cooking for my boyfriend, but his b*tch of a mother, never. All she would do is compare how great her food is to mine, and it would become a competition that I don't want to get into...

 

When I left that afternoon, I pretended I was going to the shop, I asked her if she wanted anything, she said no. not even a thank you for asking, nothing. I said well bye then, didn't get one back.

 

What would you do? I can't really take this much more...

 

You really have to ask?

[turnera]

Read this book asap:

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

 

And for heaven's sake, grow up about the alcohol. Just because you're legal to drink it doesn't mean you should.

[BlueIris]

You walk away from it, that's what you do.

 

I'm truly not trying to victim blame here. I was in an abusive relationship once too, and this stopped me cold and woke me up: After a while you're no longer a victim, you're a volunteer. I found that very empowering.

 

Now, it might not be so easy to do right? Abuse can entrap you and you can lose connection to yourself as an individual being separate from the abuser or the abuse.

 

But that idea that you CAN and MUST take action for yourself has to take root and grow inside of you. Feed it. You are a separate individual, completely separate and autonomous. You won't agree to this any more. Now, how will you go about getting yourself out of this? Take your time and think out a way to do it. Just keep yourself safe in the meantime.

 

Also, don't tangle with him. It's pointless. There's no "winning" in that game. Be safe. Make your plan.

[SammySammy]

Both of these people are abusive and neither should be in a relationship. I don't understand why anyone would tolerate their outrageous behavior.

[Lovehel]

It was about 3 years ago and it was with someone he knew in school, they were friendly not friends though.

 

I met him one night when me and boyfriend had been fighting for ages.

 

It started off as a kiss but then lead to sex, it lasted about 5 mins...but I felt gutted after.

 

I decided the only option was to ignore this guy.

 

I told my boyfriend I kissed him but didn't have sex, because I knew he would never talk to me again or forgive me.

 

3 years later this guy texted me asking how I am, did I get his message, can I respond. He was being very persistent. I was still nervous he might tell my boyfriend what happened so I thought I should go along with it.

 

He was asking if I was ho*ny , that he is. I said I was in a different country and tried to laugh it off. He is now asking me to send pictures of my body. I am terrified if I piss him off he could tell my boyfriend what happened but I can't do what he is asking, it was a stupid mistake years ago and I don't like the guy.

 

I cannot tell my boyfriend, or he will never speak to me again, I cannot go back on what In have said now.

 

If I block this guy that keeps hastling me he might go to my boyfriend as revenge?

 

What would you do???

[smackie9]

Ignore/delete. This guy has no proof of you two getting together so it's his word against yours.

[MadJackBird]

It was about 3 years ago and it was with someone he knew in school, they were friendly not friends though.

 

I met him one night when me and boyfriend had been fighting for ages.

 

It started off as a kiss but then lead to sex, it lasted about 5 mins...but I felt gutted after.

 

I decided the only option was to ignore this guy.

 

I told my boyfriend I kissed him but didn't have sex, because I knew he would never talk to me again or forgive me.

 

3 years later this guy texted me asking how I am, did I get his message, can I respond. He was being very persistent. I was still nervous he might tell my boyfriend what happened so I thought I should go along with it.

 

He was asking if I was ho*ny , that he is. I said I was in a different country and tried to laugh it off. He is now asking me to send pictures of my body. I am terrified if I piss him off he could tell my boyfriend what happened but I can't do what he is asking, it was a stupid mistake years ago and I don't like the guy.

 

I cannot tell my boyfriend, or he will never speak to me again, I cannot go back on what In have said now.

 

If I block this guy that keeps hastling me he might go to my boyfriend as revenge?

 

What would you do???

 

My advice would be to tell your boyfriend. I'm not really a fan of rug sweeping and covering up lies with more lies.

[salparadise]

Block him. It would've been better if you hadn't responded at all. Your best bet is to not respond. I wouldn't about worry him telling, especially after 3 years.

[contel3]

The most important thing is to NOT have sex with this guy and NOT send him nude pictures. This guy is sexually harassing you. You can decide to block him, go to the police or just ignore him.

 

Everything else is out of your control. Even if you did sleep with him you would have no guarantee he would keep his mouth shut. We all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes come back to bite us when we least expect it. Learn from it and don't cheat next time.

[LoveRefreshed]

I hate reading these things. Lots of different opinions, but I'm all about just desserts.

 

You owe your boyfriend the truth. It amazes me how you can accept his love and think you deserve it after you built it on deceit and betrayal.

[TXGuy]

This guy is sexually harassing you. You can decide to block him, go to the police or just ignore him.

 

This guy is definitely not "sexually harassing" her and it is certainly nothing to go to the police about.

 

She hooked up with this guy three years ago, cheating on her boyfriend. The guy circles back around three years later and gives it another try. By her own admission, she goes along with it. She doesn't shut him down. While she said she is worried he might spill the beans, she didn't say the guy even hinted he might.

 

Simply telling the guy she is not interested in a clear way and then cutting all further contact is probably all she needs to do.

[LoveRefreshed]

This guy is sexually harassing you.

 

I can't even...

 

This is why we have an epidemic of men who hate the feminist and a bunch of pussy men running around..

 

There is nothing in here that is harrasment. It's not like she was like "dude, I have a bf, shove off. Then BLOCKS HIM AND HE CONTINUES TO DO IT.

 

Even if you very unsmoothly asked a woman to **** you, it's crass at best and not harassment.

[stillafool]

Did this guy ever threaten to tell your boyfriend?

[truth_seeker]

This guy is definitely not "sexually harassing" her and it is certainly nothing to go to the police about.

 

She hooked up with this guy three years ago, cheating on her boyfriend. The guy circles back around three years later and gives it another try. By her own admission, she goes along with it. She doesn't shut him down. While she said she is worried he might spill the beans, she didn't say the guy even hinted he might.

 

Simply telling the guy she is not interested in a clear way and then cutting all further contact is probably all she needs to do.

 

What happens if he threatens to tell the boyfriend unless she has sex with him? I bet she does it.

 

What she needs to do is tell the guy she is not interested and accept the fact he might tell the boyfriend. If he does, she can either lie till she dies or come clean and own up to it.

 

If she cheated once, she'll probably do it again.

[Art.at.Heart]

This guy is definitely not "sexually harassing" her and it is certainly nothing to go to the police about.

 

She hooked up with this guy three years ago, cheating on her boyfriend. The guy circles back around three years later and gives it another try. By her own admission, she goes along with it. She doesn't shut him down. While she said she is worried he might spill the beans, she didn't say the guy even hinted he might.

 

Simply telling the guy she is not interested in a clear way and then cutting all further contact is probably all she needs to do.

All of this. I also really wish the "we were fighting a lot" excuse would be eradicated from people's minds.

[Satu]

Guilty secrets.

 

Life is sweeter without them.

 

I hope you've learned your lesson.

 

Whether you tell your poor boyfriend or not, delete the OM, and block him.

 

Don't respond to anything.

[smackie9]

I can't even...

 

This is why we have an epidemic of men who hate the feminist and a bunch of pussy men running around..

 

There is nothing in here that is harrasment. It's not like she was like "dude, I have a bf, shove off. Then BLOCKS HIM AND HE CONTINUES TO DO IT.

 

Even if you very unsmoothly asked a woman to **** you, it's crass at best and not harassment.

So if my boss or say even my husband's best friend came up to me today and told me how he wanted to *&^% me, that isn't sexual harassment? Women do not deserve to be treated like a piece of tail....I think guys can be better than that, don't you think? Or is it a matter of being ok with the knuckle dragging image?

[kendahke]

I guess I'm not getting why you think he's going to tell your boyfriend that you cheated on him. Does he know your boyfriend personally and have his contact information? Someone above said he needs proof--does being able to describe your nether regions in detail count? Moles, scars, etc... sometimes, "there's no need of the fire when the smoke is sufficient."

 

Yeah, this is a pretty bad spot you find yourself in. Having the stability of your life be at the mercy of someone with whom you wronged the person you say you love is quite sticky. I think that you need to prepare yourself for the truth to eventually find its way to your boyfriend--because it never stays hidden and will surface when you can least afford it. By then, for real, your boyfriend isn't going to be able to square how you purposefully lied in his face every day for 3 years, even behind the other lie you told. Just way too much lying all around.

 

Try blocking him, etc., but don't be surprised if he shows up in close proximity. I'm not saying he will, but you never know what ideas some people get in their heads, especially if going by your post, you're inclined to believe he knows who you boyfriend is and is the kind of guy that will go rat you out.

[kendahke]

So if my boss or say even my husband's best friend came up to me today and told me how he wanted to *&^% me, that isn't sexual harassment? Women do not deserve to be treated like a piece of tail....I think guys can be better than that, don't you think? Or is it a matter of being ok with the knuckle dragging image?

 

your boss doing it, yes because he's in a position of authority and it could impact you earning your living one way or the other.

 

your husband's best friend--sounds more like him making a pass than harassing you. Now if he was on your case day in and day out, yes, that's harassment, but that's not the scenario that OP put out there. She's freaking out because she thought the truth would stay buried and her lie would stick. She hasn't said that he is doing this--she's speculating because guilt.

[SwordofFlame]

Ignore and block this guy. If he tells your boyfriend what happened after that, you deserve the consequences.