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I was the other woman (EA). Should I tell his wife he's a serial cheater?


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Old 15th March 2019, 6:32 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
This is one of the worst reasons to spill the beans about an affair.
A ow or om telling so that they can shift the burden of their guilt to the BS doesn't really help anyone.
It's different if the ow or om is telling because they really do feel bad and want to make amends. I was (un)lucky enough to have the first kind of ow. She contacted me about the affair (I already knew about it by that point) not to apologize or make amends, but to gloat. Her two comments that made me laugh were " if you ever have problems in your marriage and want advice, give me a call" and " we can be good friends". it was so silly and completely out of touch, I had to laugh. I have a feeling that was the exact opposite reaction to what she was hoping for.
Op, if you choose to tell his wife, make sure you are doing it for altruistic reasons. Otherwise, you may well just end up hurting her even more.
Pepperbird, I will let her know as gently as possible (if I do tell). And, wow, your partner's OW sounds like a complete a**hat. Sorry you had to deal with that.
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Old 15th March 2019, 6:34 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
How many times did you engage in EA or PA while married?
This was the only one (EA). Never had a PA.
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Old 15th March 2019, 6:39 PM   #48
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Originally Posted by Mrs._December View Post
None of the above justifies keeping the BS in the dark.

You're trying to make this all about the OP and isn't about her. It's about telling the BS vital information she needs to know.
Agreed. If I were in the BS's shoes, I'd certainly want to know. But I do realize not everyone is like me (gasp!), hence this thread. Thanks for everyone's opinions so far.
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Old 16th March 2019, 8:21 AM   #49
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Orokotikki and Mark addressed this, but will say that referring to the BS as "stupid and oblivious" is victim blaming. I suspect lots of BSs have no clue, through no fault of their own.
How is that victim blaming? Did I say his cheating was caused by her being stupid and oblivious? But she is stupid and oblivious if she’s not aware what a serial cheater her husband is. Anyway, if you’re adamant about taking revenge, good luck!
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Old 16th March 2019, 10:55 AM   #50
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Could you elaborate? I'd like to know what the advantage would be to letting her know who I am.

If I got an anonymous message most likely I would ignore it.
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:50 PM   #51
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How is that victim blaming?



<snip>


But she is stupid and oblivious if she’s not aware what a serial cheater her husband is.
JuneL, these statements are mutually exclusive.
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Old 16th March 2019, 6:54 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by BTDT2012 View Post
If I got an anonymous message most likely I would ignore it.
Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying. I'd try to provide evidence that would show he'd been cheating with someone, just not whom.
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Old 19th March 2019, 11:55 AM   #53
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So @Beakered, did you drop the bomb yet?

I'm sure we are all curious.
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Old 19th March 2019, 12:02 PM   #54
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Agreed. If I were in the BS's shoes, I'd certainly want to know. But I do realize not everyone is like me (gasp!), hence this thread. Thanks for everyone's opinions so far.
If this is true why didn't you tell her when you were involved with her husband? I think you are motivated by jealousy and that is why you want her to know.
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Old 19th March 2019, 12:07 PM   #55
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Gotcha. Thanks for clarifying. I'd try to provide evidence that would show he'd been cheating with someone, just not whom.
You don't want him (or her) to know you were the OW. Are you afraid of the fallout? Afraid of owning your part in the affair?
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Old 19th March 2019, 12:25 PM   #56
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So @Beakered, did you drop the bomb yet?

I'm sure we are all curious.
Still mulling. I'm pretty torn. Also procrastinating, because I don't want to have to deal with it. I'd rather just move on at this point, but I'm not sure that's best for everyone all around, especially the BS.
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Old 19th March 2019, 12:27 PM   #57
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If this is true why didn't you tell her when you were involved with her husband? I think you are motivated by jealousy and that is why you want her to know.
I'm trying to understand that myself. I think when you're in the throes of an affair, you're so preoccupied with that person, and your brain is so hopped up on happy chemicals, that there's no room for rational thought. But once you crashland back to reality, your brain reboots, and you face the consequences. At least that's what happened to me.

As for jealousy, I don't feel that now, although I did during the affair. What I feel now is regret, shame, embarrassment, guilt, and disgust. Especially since my AP turned out to be a d**che. And, yes, I'll save y'all the trouble by owning up to being a d**che too. *waves to JuneL*
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Old 19th March 2019, 12:28 PM   #58
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You don't want him (or her) to know you were the OW. Are you afraid of the fallout? Afraid of owning your part in the affair?
Yes, yes, and yes.
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Old 26th March 2019, 9:39 AM   #59
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Yes, yes, and yes.
If you are afraid of owning your part in this and that fallout that will ensure, I’m confused as to why you are actually thinking of telling.

I’m not judging. Just curious.

Last edited by bmh; 26th March 2019 at 9:48 AM..
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Old 26th March 2019, 11:31 PM   #60
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I know some people advocate on sending proof, but, I urge you to firstly just tell her about the A, then ask if she needs proof. If she does, be selective in what you share, no one needs reading someone else’s sext messages.

I was sent evidence of my husband’s affair, it arrived on a sunny morning, out of the blue, just as I was off to the hospital for chemotherapy. I burned the text messages, I already knew there had been an affair as my husband told me. The evidence was unnecessary and sent to hurt.

Imagine if she is about to drop her children at school or whatever, a letter comes with copies of whatever that shoves her husband’s infidelity right in her face, in her home and at a time when she will need to keep it together. It’s unnecessary, give her the option of needing evidence or not, knowing is all she needs. Believe me she will find out who you are, otherwise it will drive her crazy wondering if the stranger in the queue is the OW. If you are going to share, be honest about it, own it and be ready for a lambasting, once, after that, just let them deal with his infidelity and their marriage.
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