I was the other woman (EA). Should I tell his wife he's a serial cheater?

[mark clemson]

@Can't - think you're Exhibit A to most here , BUT more personal for the OP since she was very strongly impacted by a similar scenario to some of the things you did. I think many if not most of us are "exhibits" (case studies, object lessons) in one way or another when we start owning up to the stuff that's gone on in our lives.

 

I think the most common take on whether it actually constitutes betrayal is the view of the BS. If it's cheating to the spouse, it's cheating. To some a ONS is less of a big deal than an EA. To others the opposite is very much true. So it's a moving target with no one definition.

 

To a lesser extent it's whether the WS thinks it's cheating, e.g. by keeping it secret from spouse. To a tertiary extent the opinions of others who know, such are strangers on an internet forum.

 

Just think, maybe you never even cheated once you moved online! But maybe those women you texted with did even while you didn't. Blurred lines...

[mark clemson]

@Beakered - hate to say this in a way, but it's possibile that when you reveal, the wife may look at it, shrug, and say "whatever honey" when she sees it. Since it's all online. Despite what happened to you, that is possible.

 

It's not likely, IMO, but it is a possibility.

[Wallysbears]

I don’t believe this isn’t about revenge

[Beakered]

That's the thing. That guilt is 100 percent irrelevant to the conversation.

My thoughts exactly. So I'm not sure why you keep bringing it up. I don't mind a derail (this thread is about whether I should tell, not whether I feel guilty), but I would appreciate it if people wouldn't flat-out state what they think my feelings or motives are. Sure, go ahead and ask me, and we can have a civil discussion; I'm totally fine with that. But otherwise statements like "Why is it that ow only develop this sense of guilt once the affair is over?" feel a bit petulant, TBH.

 

I'm not sure whether to be flattered or ashamed or whether I just feel like "Exhibit A."

 

None of the above. You're the warning on the cigarette package of marriage: Spouse may have affairs. Symptoms may not be present. Speaking of which, how is it that your wife never found out? You might be good at covering your tracks, but it's not all up to you. Any number of your APs (or their spouses) could have ratted you out. Can't wrap my head around that.

 

When people say "emotional affair," they can mean different things. With a physical affair, we at least know there is sexual physical contact. But when we say "emotional affair," that can mean a LOT of things, including just getting very close to a person (of the gender to which you are attracted).

 

If your emotional affair was mostly flirty messages and shared secrets, is that really worth blowing up a guy's (real life) marriage over? I'm not judging, just asking the question out loud.

 

Where do you draw the line on reporting emotional affairs? If a guy hits on you and confides in you, would you then always feel compelled to report to his spouse?

My EA was a couple of years of friendship first, where we got very close. Then it turned romantic and sexual. Love letters, you're-the-only-one-for-me, if-only-I-had-met-you-before-I-got-married stuff. It's the lies that make me think it might be better to tell, if it will prevent him from doing this to someone else.

 

And, no. I've yet to report any of the married guys who hit on me to their spouses. Morally, maybe I should. But selfishly, it would be pretty messy for me, because this is IRL.

 

I would not have appreciated one of xH's APs contacting me. It would have been about revenge and HER feelings, not about helping me. Plus, like many BSs, I already knew something was up even though I didn't confront him for a very long time.

 

Thanks, FMW. I appreciate your perspective, especially since this is something you've gone through (sorry about that, BTW).

 

@Beakered - hate to say this in a way, but it's possibile that when you reveal, the wife may look at it, shrug, and say "whatever honey" when she sees it. Since it's all online. Despite what happened to you, that is possible.

True. If that's the case, then me telling her won't have any impact, but maybe it wouldn't hurt her much then, either.

 

I don’t believe this isn’t about revenge

Noted. And I already addressed this, so I'm not sure what you're after here. Again, I don't mind questions ("Do you think this is about revenge?"), but I don't think it's productive to assume you know my motives. Edited March 15, 2019 by Beakered

[JuneL]

If you tell his wife, there’s a good chance both the OM and his wife would think you’re just some crazy woman chasing after him.

[Beakered]

JuneL, that's the one thing I'm not worried about. I have tons of evidence.

[JuneL]

Just because you got evidence doesn’t mean they won’t view you as some crazy woman...did Michael Douglas not have a physical affair with that bunny boiler?

[Orokotikki]

So what if they think she crazy.

Give her the info dump, one and done.

 

If she already knows and doesn't care? So what? You have at least expunged some guilt and prevented further moral injury to yourself.

 

She doesn't believe you or thinks you crazy? So what? She will keep her eyes open a little more and protects herself nonetheless or find him out.

 

You don't need to convince her, just show her and unburden yourself.

[JuneL]

So what if they think she crazy.

Give her the info dump, one and done.

 

If she already knows and doesn't care? So what? You have at least expunged some guilt and prevented further moral injury to yourself.

 

She doesn't believe you or thinks you crazy? So what? She will keep her eyes open a little more and protects herself nonetheless or find him out.

 

You don't need to convince her, just show her and unburden yourself.

 

If he’s a serial cheater, how is telling his wife going to stop him from cheating. Perhaps she’s been stupid and oblivious, and will get a divorce (and OP gets her revenge), then he’ll go on having affairs concurrently with multiple willing participants.

Edited March 15, 2019 by JuneL

[mark clemson]

It would likely put him at least temporarily on hold while he deals with the Dday fallout. Agree that if he's truly addicted to this sort of thing he could go back to it eventually. He also might chose not to after experiencing consequences.

 

Thought Orokotikki's main point was about benefits for OP?

[JuneL]

 

Thought Orokotikki's main point was about benefits for OP?

 

Yeah everything is about her.

[pepperbird]

S

 

You don't need to convince her, just show her and unburden yourself.

This is one of the worst reasons to spill the beans about an affair.

A ow or om telling so that they can shift the burden of their guilt to the BS doesn't really help anyone.

It's different if the ow or om is telling because they really do feel bad and want to make amends. I was (un)lucky enough to have the first kind of ow. She contacted me about the affair (I already knew about it by that point) not to apologize or make amends, but to gloat. Her two comments that made me laugh were " if you ever have problems in your marriage and want advice, give me a call" and " we can be good friends". :rolleyes::rolleyes:it was so silly and completely out of touch, I had to laugh. I have a feeling that was the exact opposite reaction to what she was hoping for.

Op, if you choose to tell his wife, make sure you are doing it for altruistic reasons. Otherwise, you may well just end up hurting her even more.

[Orokotikki]

Actually it doesn't shift any 'guilt', the guilt is on the two APs, it exposes their guilt.

She is unburdened of the complicity, of the lacking need to do what little she can to right her wrong. She expose her guilt, not erases it, it certainly doesn't place guilt on the BS although she may feel pain from the revelation.

 

Frankly I couldn't give 2 ****s about her motives, and only wish the BS to get the truth they deserve about who lies in bed with them, shares their finances, etc.,

[pepperbird]

A.

She is unburdened of the complicity, of the lacking need to do what little she can to right her wrong. She expose her guilt, not erases it, it certainly doesn't place guilt on the BS although she may feel pain from the revelation.

 

I guess I should have explained this better.

To illustrate, the ow in my situation was a serial OW. I don't know why, but it's the kind of relationship style she prefers. I think part of her feels guilty (maybe) and by telling the BS, she was able, at least in her mind, to dump the guilt on to their lap. She could wash her hands of it and walk away, consoling herself that she had "done the right thing". Instead of the affair being about what the WS and OW were doing, it became what the BS wasn't doing, which in her mind, is the cause of affairs.

 

To her, telling was also a way to get in the last sucker punch. She could help cause all this turmoil then walk away patting herself on the back that she had done the right thing. Thankfully, she's the exception and not the rule.

[Wallysbears]

How many times did you engage in EA or PA while married?

[Mrs._December]

Beakered - If you were anyone else other than the affair partner, I would say, 'Sure go ahead and tell the wife.' But you are not. You participated in the affair, and now you are a sadder but wiser woman. You voluntarily participated in the affair and presumably knew he was married. Now your marriage is gone and you want revenge. You wouldn't be in this situation if you had not voluntarily entered into the affair in the first place. No, you should mind your own business, as you should have done earlier when the affair started.

None of the above justifies keeping the BS in the dark.

 

You're trying to make this all about the OP and isn't about her. It's about telling the BS vital information she needs to know.

[Mrs._December]

I don’t believe this isn’t about revenge

The OP's motives DON'T CHANGE the importance of the information to the BS.

 

This isn't about the OP.

[Orokotikki]

I see your point PB, but I view silence as further complicity, and primarily care about empowering the BS.

 

Yes, she could do it in some ****ty and mean way, but she sounds contrite and will hopefully be gentle and apologetic - which may or may not matter to the BS.

[Beakered]

Just because you got evidence doesn’t mean they won’t view you as some crazy woman...did Michael Douglas not have a physical affair with that bunny boiler?

Not sure why they'd view me as crazy if I simply apologized to the BS and gave her the evidence...

[Beakered]

If he’s a serial cheater, how is telling his wife going to stop him from cheating. Perhaps she’s been stupid and oblivious, and will get a divorce (and OP gets her revenge), then he’ll go on having affairs concurrently with multiple willing participants.

Orokotikki and Mark addressed this, but will say that referring to the BS as "stupid and oblivious" is victim blaming. I suspect lots of BSs have no clue, through no fault of their own.

[Beakered]

This is one of the worst reasons to spill the beans about an affair.

A ow or om telling so that they can shift the burden of their guilt to the BS doesn't really help anyone.

It's different if the ow or om is telling because they really do feel bad and want to make amends. I was (un)lucky enough to have the first kind of ow. She contacted me about the affair (I already knew about it by that point) not to apologize or make amends, but to gloat. Her two comments that made me laugh were " if you ever have problems in your marriage and want advice, give me a call" and " we can be good friends". :rolleyes::rolleyes:it was so silly and completely out of touch, I had to laugh. I have a feeling that was the exact opposite reaction to what she was hoping for.

Op, if you choose to tell his wife, make sure you are doing it for altruistic reasons. Otherwise, you may well just end up hurting her even more.

Pepperbird, I will let her know as gently as possible (if I do tell). And, wow, your partner's OW sounds like a complete a**hat. Sorry you had to deal with that.

[Beakered]

How many times did you engage in EA or PA while married?

This was the only one (EA). Never had a PA.

[Beakered]

None of the above justifies keeping the BS in the dark.

 

You're trying to make this all about the OP and isn't about her. It's about telling the BS vital information she needs to know.

Agreed. If I were in the BS's shoes, I'd certainly want to know. But I do realize not everyone is like me (gasp!), hence this thread. Thanks for everyone's opinions so far.

[JuneL]

Orokotikki and Mark addressed this, but will say that referring to the BS as "stupid and oblivious" is victim blaming. I suspect lots of BSs have no clue, through no fault of their own.

 

How is that victim blaming? Did I say his cheating was caused by her being stupid and oblivious? But she is stupid and oblivious if she’s not aware what a serial cheater her husband is. Anyway, if you’re adamant about taking revenge, good luck!

[BTDT2012]

Could you elaborate? I'd like to know what the advantage would be to letting her know who I am.

 

 

If I got an anonymous message most likely I would ignore it.