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I'm addicted to women and need to hold myself accountable.


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 10th March 2019, 5:51 PM   #211
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OP, my husband just kicked me to the curb, and it's because of someone just like you:

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1) I care about myself more than I care about anyone else. I rarely factor in other peoples' feelings when I make decisions.
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I might be "hurting people" with my actions, but the primary goal of my actions is to help myself. The "hurting others" could be an unintentional byproduct.
I'm not here to bash you. But to help you achieve this (bolding mine):

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I probably have some narcissistic qualities, but from doing further reading, there's just no way I'm a full-blown narcissist. Those people sound nuts. But yes, I need to focus more on sympathizing and empathizing with others. It's not my strong suit, I'll admit.
To that end, let me tell you the story of my narcissist, and let's see if we can wring a little empathy out of you.

My husband is almost twenty-five years my senior. Most people think I married him for his money, which I did not. I fell for him hard, and I love him still. We had hot, amazing, frequent sex until he developed ED.

Now, I don't have much to occupy me. I don't work and have zero responsibilities, and sex has been a daily part of my life since forever. I really, really, REALLY love sex. So I started climbing the walls pretty quickly. H would no longer even touch me, couldn't even look at me, because he felt he wasn't a man if he couldn't perform in the traditional way. He refused counseling and threw himself into work, exercise and hobbies. Meanwhile, poor frustrated me is getting hit on. Constantly. As I have been my entire life. Most of these guys are married, BTW. But I'm a good girl, and I shut them down, because I'm married.

Until I meet N. N is for narcissist, although I hadn't the faintest clue back then. I met N through an online forum, much like this one. Except this was for a mutual hobby we shared. N doesn't know what I look like, which is fine and dandy with me (see hitting upon, above). But we start chatting. N is VERY charming. He's wickedly smart, and hilarious, and deep. Our interests and values are so much alike, it's scary. I develop a crush on N. We share email addies and long philosophies. I google him, and he's hot. He's also married, so I keep my feels to myself. But I share my social with him, put up a bonafide profile pic for the very first time, because I want N to know I'm hot too. Because I like him so damn much, and I want him to like me. And he does. N starts hitting on me. But this time I don't mind, and I don't shut him down, even though he's married. Because maybe he's in a loveless marriage, like me. And I KNOW N likes me for my mind, not my body. He's different from the others. Because we had that mental connection first, see? And I'm horny AF. So we start sexting, exchanging pics. I hang on his every word; every message sends a shot of dopamine through my love-starved brain. We talk about a real-life meetup, but I demure, because that's a line I can't cross. Not while I'm married. He's as into me as I'm into him. He compliments my mind, says he loves me, responds lightning fast to every one of my messages. He's my world.

Until he isn't.

N starts taking longer to reply. Hours. Days. Then a week. Sometimes he doesn't bother. Meanwhile, H is getting suspicious of all the time I'm spending online. Of my locked phone. Of my anxiety and sleeplessness.

Then I find out I'm not N's only EA. He's been sexting others in the forum. A LOT of others. And H has gotten one of his employees to break into my phone. The jig is up, and H has kicked me to the curb. My world explodes.

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No physical affairs since 2013. That part of my life has been over for a long time. I've now ended the stupid sexting/chat/online stuff as well.
So the moral of this story is this: It was only "stupid sexting/chat/online stuff" to you, but to another, it might have been her world. Because do you ensure that each one of your EA partners knows she's only one of many? Or do you let them believe that you would never even contemplate cheating on your wife if not for her, because she's just that special? Because she's the one. Because this latter is the default for many people who project their own good nature onto others.

You sound like a textbook narcissist to me, especially according to this Psychology Today article. Especially that bit about Narcissistic Supply. I would pay special attention that, and see if it resonates with you.


Quote:
But yes, I need to focus more on sympathizing and empathizing with others. It's not my strong suit, I'll admit.
^ But if you're serious about this, maybe there is hope for you:

A quote from the article.
Can a narcissist change for the better? Perhaps. But only if he or she is highly aware, and willing to go through the courageous process of self-discovery. For narcissists no longer willing to play the charade at the cost of genuine relationships and credibility, there are ways to liberate from falsehood, and progressively move toward oneís Higher Self.
Maybe my little story will give you incentive to change. Maybe not. But I hope for the sake of your wife and others, that it does.
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Old 10th March 2019, 6:33 PM   #212
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Beakered: Why didn’t you just get a divorce then, if your old hubby was not able to fulfill your sexual need? You hot kicked to the curb because you cheated on your hubby. It had nothing to do with your OM.

Last edited by JuneL; 10th March 2019 at 6:37 PM..
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Old 10th March 2019, 9:11 PM   #213
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JuneL, you're not going to get an argument from me. In a perfect world, I should have divorced first. But I'm not perfect. N caught me at a time when I was emotionally vulnerable and sexually frustrated. He seemed so kind and funny and sincere, and I caved. Stupid me.

The point of my story wasn't to absolve myself of blame, but to show the OP that what was no big deal to him could have the potential to devastate his EA APs. Maybe he'd never considered that before. Maybe he'll consider it now. I dunno.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:15 AM   #214
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J

The point of my story wasn't to absolve myself of blame, but to show the OP that what was no big deal to him could have the potential to devastate his EA APs. Maybe he'd never considered that before. Maybe he'll consider it now. I dunno.

From what I understand, being a narcissist is like being colour blind. All the therapy, treatments, etc. won't make a bit of difference. The only thing that will is to point out to the narcissist how their actions will hurt themselves.



As for an AP? No offense to you, but it's awfully difficult to buy into this "I was led down the garden path by the big, bag man" spiel. No one can be led to a place they don't really want to go...unless they are willing to follow.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:49 AM   #215
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JuneL, you're not going to get an argument from me. In a perfect world, I should have divorced first. But I'm not perfect. N caught me at a time when I was emotionally vulnerable and sexually frustrated. He seemed so kind and funny and sincere, and I caved. Stupid me.

The point of my story wasn't to absolve myself of blame, but to show the OP that what was no big deal to him could have the potential to devastate his EA APs. Maybe he'd never considered that before. Maybe he'll consider it now. I dunno.
In what sense is your OM a narcissist? Because he dumped you? You went into the affair knowing both of you got bored from your spouse and wanted some fun. As for his having other women besides you (and his wife), it’s all fair game. You’re neither in a committed monogamous relationship nor married. Guess what, you hubby could have accused you of being a narcissist as well.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:52 AM   #216
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From what I understand, being a narcissist is like being colour blind. All the therapy, treatments, etc. won't make a bit of difference. The only thing that will is to point out to the narcissist how their actions will hurt themselves.
You're probably right. But the OP did express a desire to change, so.

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As for an AP? No offense to you, but it's awfully difficult to buy into this "I was led down the garden path by the big, bag man" spiel. No one can be led to a place they don't really want to go...unless they are willing to follow.
Well, sure. But there is a difference between following someone who's promising candy, and being led to the windowless panel van instead.
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Old 11th March 2019, 9:56 AM   #217
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OP, my husband just kicked me to the curb, and it's because of someone just like you:


You can't blame anyone for cheating other than yourself.
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Old 11th March 2019, 10:01 AM   #218
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I'm kind of growing to liking this thread, bizarrely. I am a sucker for a good redemption story, finding myself rooting for OP, his wife and his kids.

Hoping the end goal is happiness all round, and the intentions are kosher, at least from now. The only hurdle I see for you, OP, on your path to 'recovery' is the weight of your conscience over time - that, to someone with a conscience, is usually the marriage killer long term.

It's still too soon to tell now (but hoping for the best nevertheless)

Last edited by littleblackheart; 11th March 2019 at 10:10 AM..
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:03 PM   #219
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In what sense is your OM a narcissist? Because he dumped you? You went into the affair knowing both of you got bored from your spouse and wanted some fun. As for his having other women besides you (and his wife), itís all fair game. Youíre neither in a committed monogamous relationship nor married.
You really do want an argument, don't you... just to reiterate: you won't get one from me. I take full responsibility, I did a horrible thing, and I'm paying for it. I'd simply hoped my story would help the OP see how his actions could impact others more than he might think. But by all means, keep chucking those stones. It hurts sooooo gooooood.

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Guess what, you hubby could have accused you of being a narcissist as well.
Yeah... that's not what he called me.

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You can't blame anyone for cheating other than yourself.
See above.
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Old 11th March 2019, 12:44 PM   #220
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You really do want an argument, don't you... just to reiterate: you won't get one from me. I take full responsibility, I did a horrible thing, and I'm paying for it.
I think folks, myself included, are confused by the focus in your post as to how the OM manipulated and seduced you into betraying your marriage. Lots of defense of your "good nature" and very little introspection or self-examination. You claim "full responsibility" whilst describing something else...

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Old 11th March 2019, 12:53 PM   #221
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You really do want an argument, don't you... just to reiterate: you won't get one from me. I take full responsibility, I did a horrible thing, and I'm paying for it. I'd simply hoped my story would help the OP see how his actions could impact others more than he might think. But by all means, keep chucking those stones. It hurts sooooo gooooood.
Unfortunately your story is not convincing. Did you not cast stones on your OM? And youíre qualified to make the narcissist diagnosis?
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Old 11th March 2019, 3:42 PM   #222
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I'm kind of growing to liking this thread, bizarrely. I am a sucker for a good redemption story, finding myself rooting for OP, his wife and his kids.

Hoping the end goal is happiness all round, and the intentions are kosher, at least from now. The only hurdle I see for you, OP, on your path to 'recovery' is the weight of your conscience over time - that, to someone with a conscience, is usually the marriage killer long term.

It's still too soon to tell now (but hoping for the best nevertheless)
I (bizarrely?) appreciate that, haha.

I would like to think that people realize I am not a horrible person and that I have some redeeming qualities.

To be honest, I am getting a kick out of proving the naysayers wrong thus far.

NO more sexting/chatting with women

MORE attention to my wife

And if I recall, several people anticipated me hunting down and flirting with women here, and I dare one person to say I have done anything of the sort. (if anything, I have been a little mean lol)

I plan to keep checking in from time to time, and I promise people this, I WILL be honest when I post here, even if I screw up. I was serious about this being my accountability journal of sorts.
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Old 11th March 2019, 3:46 PM   #223
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Yeah... that's not what he called me.

Haha! That gave me a chuckle.
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Old 11th March 2019, 3:47 PM   #224
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I think folks, myself included, are confused by the focus in your post as to how the OM manipulated and seduced you into betraying your marriage.
That focus was intentional. It was my attempt to give the OP a peek into the other side. To see how his actions might look from his APs' point of view. But I see your point. By focusing on how the EA affected me, it came across as me not taking any blame for my actions, and ignoring the damage I did to others.

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Lots of defense of your "good nature" and very little introspection or self-examination. You claim "full responsibility" whilst describing something else...
I've done plenty of introspection. I've examined what's inside me more thoroughly than a gastroenterologist. But I don't think this is the place to spew all that out. This thread isn't about me, or my good nature (or lack thereof). It's about the OP, see? And his struggle to change. I'd rather not derail his thread, which is what I suspect will happen if I start defending myself.

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Unfortunately your story is not convincing. Did you not cast stones on your OM? And youíre qualified to make the narcissist diagnosis?
See above. As for the narcissist diagnosis, the article I referenced above made me wonder if the OP (and men who have multiple EAs, like my OM) have a "narcissistic supply" dependency, but obviously it's no substitute for a professional diagnosis.
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Old 11th March 2019, 3:48 PM   #225
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@Beakered,

I'm not going to slam you at all. We've all had our weak moments. Not a single person on this forum is blameless for their relationship issues. In fact, the ones who howl the loudest are probably the most culpable ones.

I will focus on what you said was the message behind your story; that I may have hurt some of my APs back in the day.

Did I? Yes. But did a few of them hurt me too? Yep. It went both ways. But with one exception, the hurt was unintentional. Obviously when things end, both parties are rarely both ready for it (although sometimes they are).

I found myself, even with the online relationships, drawn to successful, intelligent, accomplished women who wanted to add some spice with a kindred spirit. In short, they were fully capable of handling themselves. It's not like I was a predator; in fact at least half the time they initiated.

But I am sorry for the end of your marriage, even though it sounds like it might be a positive thing your long-term physical, sexual, and mental health.

All the best.
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