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I was the other woman (EA). Should I tell his wife he's a serial cheater?


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Old 14th March 2019, 3:42 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
He essentially groomed all of you.
His own little personal forum "harem".
Nailed it.
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Old 14th March 2019, 3:43 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by BTDT2012 View Post
If you are going to tell, it shouldn't be anonymously.
Could you elaborate? I'd like to know what the advantage would be to letting her know who I am.
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Old 14th March 2019, 4:59 PM   #18
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Make sure he is really the person, you think he is. It's pretty easy to "pretend" you are someone else. If your only contact is though the hobby forum and a generic e-mail, he could be anyone, anywhere, and just picked the identity of a hot guy. If you've had contact through a Facebook page or a verified identity, this of course, does not apply.

Stranger things have happened.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:22 PM   #19
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Make sure he is really the person, you think he is. It's pretty easy to "pretend" you are someone else. If your only contact is though the hobby forum and a generic e-mail, he could be anyone, anywhere, and just picked the identity of a hot guy. If you've had contact through a Facebook page or a verified identity, this of course, does not apply.

Stranger things have happened.
Good point. I know I wasn't catfished, though. We've skyped, chatted through social, and I know where he works (he sent many pics of himself, and there are pics of him on his employer's website. They're the same guy). That's why I can't figure out how people like this don't get caught. Any one of his APs, or his APs' spouses, could have told his wife, who's on FB, so she'd be easy to contact.
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Old 14th March 2019, 5:52 PM   #20
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Why is it that ow only develop this sense of guilt once the affair is over?
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Old 14th March 2019, 6:05 PM   #21
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Why is it that ow only develop this sense of guilt once the affair is over?
You're mistaken. I felt guilt throughout the affair, for what I was doing to his spouse and mine.
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Old 15th March 2019, 9:46 AM   #22
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You're mistaken. I felt guilt throughout the affair, for what I was doing to his spouse and mine.

That's the thing. That guilt is 100 percent irrelevant to the conversation. It did nothing to stop you.

Now, if you said " I met a guy, was really attracted to him and realized I was getting in over my head and because I didn't want to be part of why his wife got hurt, I stopped".
In that situation, you guilt mattered. Otherwise, what difference does it make? It comes off as someone trying to salve their conscience by saying" yes, I helped to hurt someone else, but I feel bad about it".
You're not an awful person by any means. You made some bad choices, but that doesn't mean you're a bad person. Learn and move on to happier times.
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Old 15th March 2019, 9:48 AM   #23
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I stumbled across this and saw that my thread was referenced. Hmm...I'm not sure whether to be flattered or ashamed or whether I just feel like "Exhibit A."

Anyway...

When people say "emotional affair," they can mean different things. With a physical affair, we at least know there is sexual physical contact. But when we say "emotional affair," that can mean a LOT of things, including just getting very close to a person (of the gender to which you are attracted).

If your emotional affair was mostly flirty messages and shared secrets, is that really worth blowing up a guy's (real life) marriage over? I'm not judging, just asking the question out loud.

Where do you draw the line on reporting emotional affairs? If a guy hits on you and confides in you, would you then always feel compelled to report to his spouse?
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:10 AM   #24
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They were sexting like you did with your other women.

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Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
I stumbled across this and saw that my thread was referenced. Hmm...I'm not sure whether to be flattered or ashamed or whether I just feel like "Exhibit A."

Anyway...

When people say "emotional affair," they can mean different things. With a physical affair, we at least know there is sexual physical contact. But when we say "emotional affair," that can mean a LOT of things, including just getting very close to a person (of the gender to which you are attracted).

If your emotional affair was mostly flirty messages and shared secrets, is that really worth blowing up a guy's (real life) marriage over? I'm not judging, just asking the question out loud.

Where do you draw the line on reporting emotional affairs? If a guy hits on you and confides in you, would you then always feel compelled to report to his spouse?
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:12 AM   #25
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I would not have appreciated one of xH's APs contacting me. It would have been about revenge and HER feelings, not about helping me. Plus, like many BSs, I already knew something was up even though I didn't confront him for a very long time.

When I was then the OW and the MM ghosted me for a new OW I never considered for a moment telling - as others have said, how hypocritical would that have been considering I didn't have the concern for her to NOT be involved with her husband in the first place.
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:20 AM   #26
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@Can't - think you're Exhibit A to most here , BUT more personal for the OP since she was very strongly impacted by a similar scenario to some of the things you did. I think many if not most of us are "exhibits" (case studies, object lessons) in one way or another when we start owning up to the stuff that's gone on in our lives.

I think the most common take on whether it actually constitutes betrayal is the view of the BS. If it's cheating to the spouse, it's cheating. To some a ONS is less of a big deal than an EA. To others the opposite is very much true. So it's a moving target with no one definition.

To a lesser extent it's whether the WS thinks it's cheating, e.g. by keeping it secret from spouse. To a tertiary extent the opinions of others who know, such are strangers on an internet forum.

Just think, maybe you never even cheated once you moved online! But maybe those women you texted with did even while you didn't. Blurred lines...
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:30 AM   #27
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@Beakered - hate to say this in a way, but it's possibile that when you reveal, the wife may look at it, shrug, and say "whatever honey" when she sees it. Since it's all online. Despite what happened to you, that is possible.

It's not likely, IMO, but it is a possibility.
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:33 AM   #28
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I donít believe this isnít about revenge
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Old 15th March 2019, 1:35 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by pepperbird View Post
That's the thing. That guilt is 100 percent irrelevant to the conversation.
My thoughts exactly. So I'm not sure why you keep bringing it up. I don't mind a derail (this thread is about whether I should tell, not whether I feel guilty), but I would appreciate it if people wouldn't flat-out state what they think my feelings or motives are. Sure, go ahead and ask me, and we can have a civil discussion; I'm totally fine with that. But otherwise statements like "Why is it that ow only develop this sense of guilt once the affair is over?" feel a bit petulant, TBH.

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Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
I'm not sure whether to be flattered or ashamed or whether I just feel like "Exhibit A."
None of the above. You're the warning on the cigarette package of marriage: Spouse may have affairs. Symptoms may not be present. Speaking of which, how is it that your wife never found out? You might be good at covering your tracks, but it's not all up to you. Any number of your APs (or their spouses) could have ratted you out. Can't wrap my head around that.

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Originally Posted by CantGetEnuff View Post
When people say "emotional affair," they can mean different things. With a physical affair, we at least know there is sexual physical contact. But when we say "emotional affair," that can mean a LOT of things, including just getting very close to a person (of the gender to which you are attracted).

If your emotional affair was mostly flirty messages and shared secrets, is that really worth blowing up a guy's (real life) marriage over? I'm not judging, just asking the question out loud.

Where do you draw the line on reporting emotional affairs? If a guy hits on you and confides in you, would you then always feel compelled to report to his spouse?
My EA was a couple of years of friendship first, where we got very close. Then it turned romantic and sexual. Love letters, you're-the-only-one-for-me, if-only-I-had-met-you-before-I-got-married stuff. It's the lies that make me think it might be better to tell, if it will prevent him from doing this to someone else.

And, no. I've yet to report any of the married guys who hit on me to their spouses. Morally, maybe I should. But selfishly, it would be pretty messy for me, because this is IRL.

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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
I would not have appreciated one of xH's APs contacting me. It would have been about revenge and HER feelings, not about helping me. Plus, like many BSs, I already knew something was up even though I didn't confront him for a very long time.
Thanks, FMW. I appreciate your perspective, especially since this is something you've gone through (sorry about that, BTW).

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Originally Posted by mark clemson View Post
@Beakered - hate to say this in a way, but it's possibile that when you reveal, the wife may look at it, shrug, and say "whatever honey" when she sees it. Since it's all online. Despite what happened to you, that is possible.
True. If that's the case, then me telling her won't have any impact, but maybe it wouldn't hurt her much then, either.

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Originally Posted by Wallysbears View Post
I don’t believe this isn’t about revenge
Noted. And I already addressed this, so I'm not sure what you're after here. Again, I don't mind questions ("Do you think this is about revenge?"), but I don't think it's productive to assume you know my motives.

Last edited by Beakered; 15th March 2019 at 2:22 PM..
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Old 15th March 2019, 3:04 PM   #30
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If you tell his wife, thereís a good chance both the OM and his wife would think youíre just some crazy woman chasing after him.
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