Is there a correct reason to want to have kids?

[SummerDreams]

It seems that more and more people these days choose not to have kids in order to pursue their careers, live their lives as they want it or simply cause they disagree with having kids in this world. In the contrary I do want to have kids more than anything else in my life, but whenever I talk about this need I have with people, they tend to tell me that my reasons for wanting to have kids are wrong. My reasons are: 1) I feel I have much love to give to a kid, to teach them things, help them become good people, 2) for me to feel important and needed, have a person who is as close to me as nobody else, have a good purpose in life, 3) become accepted and respected by relatives older in age who think your life is meaningful only when you have kids, 4) to feel I've offered something important to the society by raising a person who will help make it better, 5) (selfish reason) to have someone take care of me when I get old.

 

My issue here is that people who don't want kids reject all these reasons as being wrong, thoughtless and/or selfish and I'm wondering, is there any good or correct reason to want to have kids? What do you think?

[d0nnivain]

Reason # 2 seems a bit selfish but all the rest seem like the best reasons to have kids.

[pteromom]

1) I feel I have much love to give to a kid, to teach them things, help them become good people

 

This is a good reason.

 

2) for

[pteromom]

1) I feel I have much love to give to a kid, to teach them things, help them become good people

 

This is a good reason.

 

2) for me to feel important and needed, have a person who is as close to me as nobody else, have a good purpose in life

 

The problem with this is that parenting isn't about GETTING - it's about giving. Part of that is giving the child freedom. At first, you will be as close as nobody else. Over time, you slowly become 2nd place behind their friends. If you had a good relationship, they'll come back and be close again, but it won't be the same relationship where they are NEEDING you. If it is, you didn't do a good job teaching them to be a happy self-sufficient person.

 

3) become accepted and respected by relatives older in age who think your life is meaningful only when you have kids,

 

Nope. Never make choices for your own life based on what other people think. Who cares if these relatives think your life is meaningful? You have to live a life that is meaningful to YOU.

 

4) to feel I've offered something important to the society by raising a person who will help make it better,

 

Good reason.

 

5) (selfish reason) to have someone take care of me when I get old.

 

No, when you bring a child into the world, again, it is about giving of yourself, not what you can get from them. Placing an expectation on them when they are born is not the right way to go. Set up your own life where you are taken care of when you get old - don't rely on your child (although you certainly hope they are there beside you.)

 

My issue here is that people who don't want kids reject all these reasons as being wrong, thoughtless and/or selfish and I'm wondering, is there any good or correct reason to want to have kids? What do you think?

 

Parenting is about giving. You have to be in a place within yourself where you have a lot to GIVE to a child. You aren't having the child only to need something from him/her. The child doesn't exist to fill a hole inside you that you should be filling yourself. You are ready to guide the child, let him/her become the person he/she is, then set them free.

[No Limit]

I'm not sure you should even try to approach this subject with logic thinking, at least not too much. I'm pretty sure instincts/nature play a big role here (kind of weird; recently I noticed that I don't get annoyed by noisy kids anymore like I used to).

 

Personally I have this in my "life plans"; home - family - future

I'll admit, I would be okay if I never had any children myself, but if I someday find myself in the situation of having a good partner (who also has some interest in starting a family) and financial security... why not? What reasons are there against having children?

[Million.to.1]

Using logic to decide whether having kids is "right" or "wrong" is ludicrous.

 

It's a natural, evolutional, genetic desire. It's life. And all of the life on the planet has no other purpose than to fulfil itself, to carry on, to continue.

 

If you are making a decision to not have children because you can not provide for them or you want to focus on other things, then fine. But judging a fundamental desire to have children in others is stupid.

 

Whatever your reasons are, it doesn't matter. Some are going to be selfishly motivated, but that's just the way it is.

 

You could turn the table and say not having children because you don't want the responsibility and you would rather travel and go to dinner parties is selfish.

 

This is not something to pass judgment on IMO.

[Priv]

Disagree with just about everyone who posted. Neither in philosophy nor psychology has true altruism ever been proven. It just does not exist. Having kids you take as much as what you give. In this case, all of te reasons the op mentioned (all damn good reasons btw OP ) + you spread your genes which is a biological imperative.

 

 

Besides that, your last reason, about being taken care of is pretty much the utmost important reason in non individualistic societies. Very valid.

[Priv]

Besides that. Who gives anyone the right to decide what is or is not a good reason to have children. In my opinion, you should not have asked this question really.

[evanescentworld]

Never ask people who don't have kids, what they think of your reasons for having kids.

 

Ask people with 2 or more kids, what they think.

Ask random strangers in a supermarket - I'm absolutely serious - and stop them in the middle of shopping and controlling their children, how they view your ideals.

 

Stand outside a school at home-time, and talk to the moms waiting for their children to come out.

 

Ask your parents. Get them to evaluate your rationale.

 

I'm not saying your reasons are either right or wrong.

 

I'm saying you need to check out the reality of parenthood, with people who are extremely experienced with regard to the reality of parenthood.

 

And expect a huge variety of responses. But look for a common theme.

[pink_sugar]

This may sound broad, but I think people should have kids because they really want them. They really want to make a family and have no reservations about dealing with the ups and downs with kids. Other than #1, I think the other reasons, such as someone to take care of you or to feel loved and needed are bad reasons to have kids. Kids will make you feel the opposite of loved and needed at times! Think of those teenage years. I can feel loved and needed and feel that my life has purpose without children. Remember, there are a lot of folks in retirement homes whose kids don't ever visit them...it's sad.

[MissBee]

I don't think there are necessarily good reasons but there can be bad ones.

 

Like people who have kids in order to have someone to love them. I also wouldn't have children to gain the respect of relatives either...

 

But I like number one and feel if there is a good reason then that counts as one.

 

But to have kids for them to love you or as a status symbol or to get other people to see you in a particular way doesn't seem like a good idea to me. Reason being is that it sets you up to have so many perhaps unfair expectations of what your child should/can do for you and could lead to lots of resentment when you realize that kids require a lot of time and giving and it's unpaid, sometimes thankless and for a long time they are self-absorbed and worse when they become teenagers. Now as an adult I think I can contribute less selfishly towards my parental relationships but as a child I wasn't thinking like that and much of the time it was just about me and I didn't think of my parents as people with their own fears, feelings, etc...just there to feed, clothe, take me places and buy me stuff smh lol. There of course was some notion of love but not a mature one at all.

 

If people don't respect you for having children or basically if all you're thinking is of what you can get but you don't get any of it or not how you thought, it might be quite awful for you and the child. More giving reasons tend to work out best when thinking of having kids versus getting. Of course you do get as well but I think it's totally different from when you consciously choose children thinking about all it will do for you and give you...esp superficially.

Edited September 10, 2014 by MissBee

[VanillaLife]

I don't think you need to have reasons to have kids. It's just innately in us to want this. I can actually remember the intense rush of having sex when trying to conceive, that was my body telling me that's what it's made to do. People over analyze. We want kids because if we didn't the human race would just die out.

[evanescentworld]

I don't think you need to have reasons to have kids. It's just innately in us to want this. I can actually remember the intense rush of having sex when trying to conceive, that was my body telling me that's what it's made to do. People over analyze. We want kids because if we didn't the human race would just die out.

 

It will die out anyway, people are just delaying the inevitable.

 

Or accelerating the rate towards it, whichever way you might look at it.

[MissBee]

I don't think you need to have reasons to have kids. It's just innately in us to want this. I can actually remember the intense rush of having sex when trying to conceive, that was my body telling me that's what it's made to do. People over analyze. We want kids because if we didn't the human race would just die out.

 

That's definitely part of it as well.

 

I think while there are ethics to it, as there is to everything, part of it is simply that we need to further the species so for millennia people have had sex and had children without much thought to it.

[pink_sugar]

You could turn the table and say not having children because you don't want the responsibility and you would rather travel and go to dinner parties is selfish.

 

 

I disagree. When someone chooses not to have children, they aren't affecting anyone with their lifestyle but themselves. But if you have kids because you want someone to love you, or because you want to feel needed, it affects your children if you cannot be a good parent. Take this from someone who was born, because their mother wanted to feel "loved and needed" and then I got the brunt of the result whenever my mom was disappointed. It was difficult to live with. I also know people who had kids, because they wanted their kids to be their everything....which is not really fair to the kid when they're not meeting unrealistic expectations.

[evanescentworld]

Actually, perhaps if more people thought more, there would be fewer children....

[VanillaLife]

Actually, perhaps if more people thought more, there would be fewer children....

 

That's why guys mostly think with their d*cks... otherwise we wouldn't do it

[evanescentworld]

That's why guys mostly think with their d*cks... otherwise we wouldn't do it

 

GPWP*.....

 

 

 

(*Good Point Well-Presented....! )

[NGC1300]

Of course having children is a selfish act. The biological argument for it being "normal", is blown out of the water when you consider the human species has invented contraception, and is consciously aware its population growth is unsustainable. It may sound cold, but nobody really benefits from the birth of a new child. New life at this point is a burden.

 

Of course, few people are thinking of Darwin when they have a child anyway. Again, they're just motivated by selfish reasons. They need more joy in THEIR lives, so they have to force a new life into existence to solve THEIR problems. Think about that. Think about how horrific that really is.

 

It's a sick world anyway. I don't know how anyone would even want to expose a new life to all of this worlds dangerous potentialities. You think the "good" outweighs all that? Every 40 seconds someone on the planet commits suicide. One death, every 40 seconds. Clearly there are many people who, if given the choice, would have rather not been born.

 

I find it deeply disturbing that when someone commits suicide, we call them selfish, yet forcing the same life into existence is regarded as righteous.

[Ninjainpajamas]

If men actually had to make a well-informed decision about having children, like actually became educated, experienced and knowledgeable before making babies....there would be a whole lot less babies on the planet. Especially if they had to take care of them most of the time.

 

When many people want to have children, they're thinking of this very blissful and magical scenario where they're laughing and playing with their children, in and around the house and everything's so perfect and they kiss them to sleep goodnight and they're just these well-behaved little people (because you're such a boss and your kids are going to smart and perfect) who sometimes act cray cray but ultimately these wonderful little people.

 

When in reality there is a whole lot more work and responsibility to it. I don't have kids myself but from what I've heard it's more work than any full time job because it never stops or ends, and from the way I've seen many people...exhausted, tired and drained..it wasn't looking so blissful.

 

Don't get me wrong, kids look like they can be great at times...but I think a lot of the reasons people SAY they want to have kids are really just a very narrow perspective and mostly it's out of selfishness...i mean your unborn children don't send you a postcard asking to be born, you make the decision completely and entirely.

 

I personally think the "correct" reasons for having children is because you want to have a family, you want to provide them with security, their needs, be patient, willing, giving and available for ALL the things you need to provide for them throughout their lives. What YOU get back in return is questionable, you will have the pleasure and wonder of being a parent and what not, but I wouldn't necessarily expect all this things in return...because from what I've seen, your kids are about what you can give them, not what they can give you..they will drain you, they don't know that you're supposed to feel wanted, needed and appreciated, in their eyes you're their full time slave and servant that really has no choice in the matter and they will treat you accordingly or how they see fit.

 

All this talk about how much love you can give, for you to feel important and needed, be accepted by relatives and family, offered something to society O.o - which, can you control what they'll become? what if they become a murderer or a rapist? was that your fault? or only you're doing if they succeed?...someone to take care of you when you're old? ha! good luck with that...that is debatable.

 

Anyway, that is a bit overzealous and expecting too much IMO...I think it's more of a one-sided deal for a while, for the most part. You might feel "needed" but I don't feel that great if a clingy girl needs me because she's desperate and has low self-esteem, so I don't look at being needed in the same light. Sure it's different with kids but in a way it's not like they have a choice, you HAVE to be there, and it's a responsibility not something to make you feel fluffy necessarily. It's a job you really have to take serious IMO, if you have all these wishful thoughts I think there' a great possibility of being very disappointed and having too many expectations...because essentially they're just people, they just happen to be much smaller and yours.

Edited September 10, 2014 by Ninjainpajamas

[OwMyEyeball]

Of course having children is a selfish act. The biological argument for it being "normal", is blown out of the water when you consider the human species has invented contraception, and is consciously aware its population growth is unsustainable. It may sound cold, but nobody really benefits from the birth of a new child. New life at this point is a burden.

 

Of course, few people are thinking of Darwin when they have a child anyway. Again, they're just motivated by selfish reasons. They need more joy in THEIR lives, so they have to force a new life into existence to solve THEIR problems. Think about that. Think about how horrific that really is.

 

It's a sick world anyway. I don't know how anyone would even want to expose a new life to all of this worlds dangerous potentialities. You think the "good" outweighs all that? Every 40 seconds someone on the planet commits suicide. One death, every 40 seconds. Clearly there are many people who, if given the choice, would have rather not been born.

 

I find it deeply disturbing that when someone commits suicide, we call them selfish, yet forcing the same life into existence is regarded as righteous.

Rough day, huh?

[StanMusial]

I wouldn't worry about "correct" reasons. I think people might warn you off the idea of kids when the "correct" course would be to explain what having kids entails.

[FitChick]

Most people have no idea what rearing a child entails in terms of time, energy and money. I suggest people take in a foster child or several to get a sense of what it would be like. Barring that, get a dog. If you can't handle the caretaking, that is your answer. Volunteer at organizations for children or become a teacher. Babysit your friends' kids so they can have a date night or a day of peace and quiet.

[No Limit]

Clearly there are many people who, if given the choice, would have rather not been born.

 

Eh, no. It's not their mere existence and being which makes people commit suicide; it's the way their lives have turned out or developed. Some are simply tired and feel like they've reached their potential already, and there's nothing more to live for (although that type of thinking is reserved for business or cpmpany owners who lost it all). Many suicides are just done out of - no offense - their own stupidity. You see suicide numbers rising every year during Christmas time, yet they've probably been just as lonely in December as they've been in July. There's too many factors though as there are people, so I'll leave it at that.

 

And about population... sure, I'd love to protect my own child from the evils out there. I'd be happy if homeschooling was allowed in my country, too. But this world isn't nice, has never been nice and never will. All you can do is support and guide to some extent, but kids aren't puppies you pull away from roads. They're capable of thinking for themselves, and eventually will have their own opinions on this and that; and they need to learn through trial and error. All you can hope for is that the error won't cost them too much...

 

And population... well, to be cruelly honest, most people live in poverty. Without education. Without a perspective to get lives we would consider "human-worthy" anytime soon. And yet these people breed; have far more children than the typical Western families will ever have (mostly 1-3, in comparison to 5+). So yes, we definitely won't need any more laborers in the next centuries, but what about inventors? Scientists? Artists of all kind? People with vision?

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that people from slums are just as valuable as the rugs they wear - talent comes from all places - but only in richer nations do they even get a chance to show what they've got. Sad but true.

Edited September 11, 2014 by No Limit

[hellon]

It seems that more and more people these days choose not to have kids in order to pursue their careers, live their lives as they want it or simply cause they disagree with having kids in this world. In the contrary I do want to have kids more than anything else in my life, but whenever I talk about this need I have with people, they tend to tell me that my reasons for wanting to have kids are wrong. My reasons are: 1) I feel I have much love to give to a kid, to teach them things, help them become good people, 2) for me to feel important and needed, have a person who is as close to me as nobody else, have a good purpose in life, 3) become accepted and respected by relatives older in age who think your life is meaningful only when you have kids, 4) to feel I've offered something important to the society by raising a person who will help make it better, 5) (selfish reason) to have someone take care of me when I get old.

 

My issue here is that people who don't want kids reject all these reasons as being wrong, thoughtless and/or selfish and I'm wondering, is there any good or correct reason to want to have kids? What do you think?

 

You had me at reasons #1 and #4. You lost me at reasons #2, #3, and #5. Those are all selfish.