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I donít think I love my daughter


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Old 13th February 2018, 12:59 PM   #1
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I donít think I love my daughter

I have a kid with a fling I had a few years ago. I used condoms and she swore up and down she was on birth control. Then called me a few months later saying she was having my baby.

Iíve never wanted kids, and as a result, Iím not really into my four year old. She does things that bug me. When she spends the night, she almost always comes and gets in my bed. When we go somewhere I have to hold her. She always wants my food, or to share things with me. Iím bugged by that, Iíve never been a sharing dude.

The only time ever felt real concern for her is when she fell in a friendís pool this summer and almost drowned. Then, I wanted to snuggle her and get her warm, but Iíve never felt it otherwise.

Iíve tried to relinquish visitation for more money and the mother refuses because ďsheís in love with you (me)Ē I guess she dances around whenever I come to get her, and talks about me when I drop her off.

I donít know what to do. Iím not into her, I think sheís a snot. I know Iím not a good dad so I donít know why Iím forced to be one... what do I do?
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Old 13th February 2018, 1:08 PM   #2
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I know the court system will force you to pay child support, but do they force you to visit your daughter??

I knew of an acquaintance (not a friend) that fathered a child right before he was set to marry a different woman. He paid his child support like he was supposed to, but never saw his daughter, ever.

Can I ask how old your are?? Do you think your attitude towards your daughter will change with time??
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Old 13th February 2018, 1:18 PM   #3
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I assume you've had a paternity test done?
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Old 13th February 2018, 1:19 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Cool frank View Post
I have a kid with a fling I had a few years ago. I used condoms and she swore up and down she was on birth control. Then called me a few months later saying she was having my baby.

Iíve never wanted kids, and as a result, Iím not really into my four year old. She does things that bug me. When she spends the night, she almost always comes and gets in my bed. When we go somewhere I have to hold her. She always wants my food, or to share things with me. Iím bugged by that, Iíve never been a sharing dude.

The only time ever felt real concern for her is when she fell in a friendís pool this summer and almost drowned. Then, I wanted to snuggle her and get her warm, but Iíve never felt it otherwise.

Iíve tried to relinquish visitation for more money and the mother refuses because ďsheís in love with you (me)Ē I guess she dances around whenever I come to get her, and talks about me when I drop her off.

I donít know what to do. Iím not into her, I think sheís a snot. I know Iím not a good dad so I donít know why Iím forced to be one... what do I do?
How often do you see her?

I commend you on continuing to see her even when you're not feeling it. That is amazing that you'll do that! I really respect that in you and believe it will pay off for you in the future.

It's very important for you to keep spending time with her. As she grows up you'll probably find yourself beginning to bond with her more. Some guys just can't relate to little kids.

Because it's so important to her well being for you to continue to see her, and to your future well being, too, (someday when you're growing older you will be glad to have her in your life) in your place I'd get into counseling to see how you can make the most of the opportunity for a relationship with her.

I have to add that I also admire her mother for not taking money from you in exchange for not seeing your daughter.

Again, I believe there will come a day when you're very thankful you continued to see her and stayed in her life. This little girl didn't ask to be born and deserves the opportunity to know her father! Good for you, friend, in being in her life. There is nothing more important in the world for you to do.
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Old 13th February 2018, 1:41 PM   #5
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I feel like the little girl is in the worst position here. She loses either way because she's either going to continue spending time with a father who doesn't love her or have her father walk away from her.

I think that you should probably continue with visits and do the best you can. The little girl loves you and she won't be an annoying little kid forever. I don't know how old you are but I suspect that you are still young and that one day when you are a good deal older you will remember the days that she used to want to share your food and snuggle in bed with you and you will wish you had appreciated that sweetness.

I agree that she has a good mom who puts her child's happiness and emotional well being before money.
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Old 13th February 2018, 1:58 PM   #6
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i haven't ever heard of visitation to be forced ....i actually think that forcing parental visitation upon a person who doesn't want to parent a child.....to possibly be emotionally damaging to both child and reluctant and unwilling parent....there is a chance by continuing to see your child that you might develop a bond but there's also a chance that you wont....and that girl will be affected by your lack of love.....especially the age that she is...do you push her away when she tries to hug you....or kiss you...can you explain why she is a snot to you......

would you be willing to maybe do some professional counselling to help deal with visitation for her sake.....and your own.....do you resent her.....

i dont know if having you in her life is actually good....but i am not a professional counsellor...i do know some people are not meant to have children for some it isn't natural and feels unnatural....

im at a loss here.....i feel conflicted so can you help me out.....tell me why she is a snot.....do you ever get angry at her.....if she were to do something wrong...honestly....how do you discipline her....have you had to discipline her...do you call her names like you have here ...like a snot..or a brat or rouse on her often.......do you answer her questions.....how do you talk with her....do you talk to her when you have visits....


i was never allowed in my parents bed.....you can set boundaries you know......kids respond well to rules and routine...boundaries...if you dont want her sleeping with you dont let her....say this is dads bed sweetie come on ill tuck you back in yours....and read you a story...get a night light play some soothing music and stay with her till she drops off to sleep ...then return to your own bed.....child free....bed time should be after a dinner and a nice warm bath use lavender ...its calming......bed time for a four year old is quite early....6.30 pm to 7 pm is reasonable...they get up early but then once routine is up and running they fall asleep early....a four year old during the day might nap as well.....and quiet time is for both child and parent....reading picture books......or resting ....listening to music.......

as far as your food goes .....when you make your plate of food......put some of hers on your plate and feed her that so you arent actually sharing your own food....and you are teaching her to share even though you don't like too..because sharing with kids is a must to teach...were you taught to share?.were you an only child .......have you been to goal at all?

im sorry i ask so many questions...im trying to understand you .....and i am concerned you are being forced to look after a young life that depends on you to be loving at all times that you have custody of her.......for healthy emotional growth and for her very well being.....you wrote i dont think i love my daughter...isnt a direct i dont love my daughter .....maybe you do love her but are overwhelmed with the responsibility and the fact you are forced to visit instead of really wanting to visit with her...so there's resentment on your behalf even before you get out the door.......is that what you feel.......deb
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Last edited by todreaminblue; 13th February 2018 at 2:13 PM..
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Old 13th February 2018, 2:16 PM   #7
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I tend to think that there must be something youíre doing right, and thatís why sheís attached to you? I dunno, kids are very intuitive, especially I assume she spends more/most of her time with her mother?
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Old 13th February 2018, 3:24 PM   #8
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I am going to come from a different perspective on thisÖ..

I donít enjoy children. Not babies, not toddlers, not middle school kids, not teenagers. I have always known I do not want kids.

When I was young, actually used to baby sit, and even nannie for a stint. I would always hear ďbut you are so good with children!Ē Ė and kids usually liked me because I am very consistent, I am fair, and I would do my best to engage their mind and body Ė honestly the exact same skills I use for animal training (but I much prefer animals!).

But I never really felt affection for kids. I never desired to mother and cuddle them. I was always VERY thankful to hand them back when my shift was through, and often felt that I just didnít have the composition to deal with kids full time. Eventually I refused to deal with kids at all.

When my sister started having children Ė she wanted me to have a relationship with them. She wanted me to baby sit them for free because I ďshould enjoy spending time with themĒ.

I would rather dig a ditch then spend time with kids. Even my own flesh and blood.

I have 5 nieces and nephews. I have never had any sorts of feelings for them. I am an absent aunt, I do not travel to visit them, I do not spend time with them. Perhaps it is selfish, but I do not want anything to do with kids, and my brother and sister having some doesnít change that. (and I never had uncles or aunts so I figure its not a big deal)

So, I can really see where this guy is coming from. He didnít want kids, SHE did. She choose to have a kid, he didnít.

As far as the kid liking himÖ. meaning he is doing something right. I donít know about that. My brother and sis, have a bio dad Ė he would show up every year or so. Or make plans to show up and then cancel. Or show up and basically say nice to see you, and then disappear again. As adults, neither of them can remember any positive interactions with their bio dad Ė yet still, as kids they would be SO EXCITED to hear that he was coming to visit. They really wanted to see him, even though he didnít seem to give a s***. It resulted in a lot of mixed emotions for them.

I donít think having a resentful, uncaring dad around is really a positive. Right now the kid may not yet be perceptive enough, but she will be soon enough. And having a dad around who doesnít love her, isnít going to be a net positive.
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Old 13th February 2018, 4:06 PM   #9
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Her mother can't enforce visitation. Just stop seeing your daughter. Sure, the little girl will be heartbroken, but as you don't care about her I'm sure you won't lose sleep over it.
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Old 13th February 2018, 5:31 PM   #10
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I tend to think that there must be something youíre doing right, and thatís why sheís attached to you? I dunno, kids are very intuitive, especially I assume she spends more/most of her time with her mother?
Not necessarily. His daughter may actually feel incredibly insecure in this relationship and could feel his rejection and that is why she is so attached and clingly towards him.

We cling most to the things we fear we are losing.

OP, while I think you should try counseling first before you make any decision that will significantly affect your daughter's future and I believe that for her sake you should try and work on this feelings so you do your best to stay in her life - if it continues I think you should end visitation. Visitation cannot be forced by neither her mother nor the court so you can end it anytime.
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Old 13th February 2018, 6:28 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Cool frank View Post
I don’t know what to do. I’m not into her, I think she’s a snot. I know I’m not a good dad so I don’t know why I’m forced to be one... what do I do?

It's your life, nobody's going to make you see the kid if you don't want to, if you aren't aware of that you can thank me later.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 13th February 2018 at 8:23 PM.. Reason: off topic ~T
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Old 13th February 2018, 9:16 PM   #12
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I agree with LivingWaterPlease. I think you should continue visitation.
In my opinion it will be to much pain for this girl hear that father doesn't want to see her.
Take resposibility for what you did.
Not everything in life must be nice and pleasant.
I think that one day you find that you like or love her.
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Old 13th February 2018, 9:44 PM   #13
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Seems this was a drive by, if the thread starter comes back and wants it re-opened then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks for all who took their time to post.

---Thread re-opened at member request---- ~W

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 14th February 2018 at 6:16 AM.. Reason: Thread reopened
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Old 14th February 2018, 12:54 PM   #14
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Everyoneís asking how old I am, Iím 24.

Iím not mean to her. Iím stern when she starts throwing a fit, and Iíve spanked her a few times when sheís done something wrong. The last time I did I explained to her why after and told her I was sorry that I did it because I was. Most of the time I just try to have fun.

I say sheís a snot because she is. If anyone gets close to me when I have her she throws a fit. Especially girls. Not a good look.

I have her every weekend, Iíve tried to have visitation changed to every other weekend, but her mom wonít negotiate.
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Old 14th February 2018, 1:22 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Cool frank View Post
Everyoneís asking how old I am, Iím 24.

Iím not mean to her. Iím stern when she starts throwing a fit, and Iíve spanked her a few times when sheís done something wrong. The last time I did I explained to her why after and told her I was sorry that I did it because I was. Most of the time I just try to have fun.

I say sheís a snot because she is. If anyone gets close to me when I have her she throws a fit. Especially girls. Not a good look.

I have her every weekend, Iíve tried to have visitation changed to every other weekend, but her mom wonít negotiate.
4 year olds operate with 4 year old brains, not 24 year old brains. They are 100% incapable of knowing what a "good look" is. She behaves that way because she's desperate for her daddy's attention .
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