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Why wonít he cooperate with divorce he wanted?


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Old 5th February 2019, 9:24 AM   #1
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Why wonít he cooperate with divorce he wanted?

I filed for divorce after my husband got caught at a coworkerís house during the day (says they are just friends who spend time together several days a week at her place when they are supposed to be at work) and then told me eventually that he didnít want to try anymore to save relationship and wanted a divorce.

So I get an attorney, I file. He does nothing. He doesnít provide documents I ask for, he doesnít respond to pleadings, he doesnít hire an attorney. We sold our home and got separate residences, we share the kids. I donít speak to him except the bare minimum to arrange for things for the kids. So if he wants a divorce so bad why wonít he make any moves toward getting a divorce? Is there something Iím missing? He never expressed any desire to reconsider the divorce and acts like heís the happiest person who ever walked the face of the earth, so I do t think heís holding out for hope of getting back together.
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Old 5th February 2019, 9:48 AM   #2
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It sounds like he's lazy. Do you need him to complete the divorce? Can't you get one without his documents? What does your attorney say?
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Old 5th February 2019, 10:03 AM   #3
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He doesn't cooperate because he doesn't have to....he is letting you do all the heavy lifting. Well the lifting is almost done, so don't give up now...just get the divorce by default. A divorce is a civil matter, and and if one party ignores it, it doesn't mean it stops. Please, do yourself a favor and don't let this guy camp out in your head any longer and divorce him....his cooperation is not needed.
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Old 5th February 2019, 10:13 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
It sounds like he's lazy. Do you need him to complete the divorce? Can't you get one without his documents? What does your attorney say?
My attorney says if we do a default he will just get it set aside. And I need his financial documents because he has tried to hide income and I believe he gave money to his affair partner. If I got a good enough property distribution that might not matter much, I donít think it was more than maybe 20k we are talking about. I will ask the attorney again.

I have wondered about laziness too...but heís the one who is seeing someone else and trying to hide it. I would think being divorced would get them that much closer to being able to openly date. Although Iíve wondered a little if itís not the divorce heís avoiding, but actually the more committed relationship with his affair partner because Iím not sure he actually wants to be with her long term. And itís messy for him because they work together and heís in management.

I just donít know why he isnít more motivated.
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Old 5th February 2019, 10:36 AM   #5
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You need to stop wondering about this. He is not cooperating for his own reasons, and it's likely you'll never find out why. So you just need to stop wondering because the reasons really make no difference to you or your life.

What you need to think about instead, is what you can do about it. As mentioned you can get a divorce even without his cooperation, permission or even his signature. You need to ask your attorney what the next step is, assuming he does not return any paperwork. Usually that involves having papers served, getting proof that he has received them, waiting a time period for a reply and if there's no reply filing for deemed service. But it varies by jurisdiction, so you should ask your lawyer.

As for financial disclosure, you need to ask your attorney about that too. If a court orders him to submit paperwork, it is very foolish for him to ignore that. Giving money away, judges see that all the time, they are not fooled by it.
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Old 5th February 2019, 10:58 AM   #6
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Can't your attorney use a court order to get his financial documents? He should be able to do this. I agree that you shouldn't worry about his reasons for dragging his feet. It could be anything from a lack of money to lack of time.
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Old 5th February 2019, 11:42 AM   #7
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Itís not a money issue because we have money. Iím an attorney so I know I can get a default, the problem is that he will just get it set aside and we will be married again. Thatís a waste of my time and our money to pay the attorney to do the divorce twice.

I know we can subpoena the financial records, right now I need him to file an answer to the petition so we can start discovery if he insists on going that route. I just donít know why he wonít do any of this. We are both sophisticated enough to get this done, advance degrees and high power jobs. I just donít know why he doesnít care to get it over with.
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Old 5th February 2019, 12:32 PM   #8
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Well maybe he's rethinking his decision to divorce. Maybe little miss plaything isn't looking so appealing now that he's really free to engage. I always say the affair never seems as appealing when you don't have to sneak around anymore.
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Old 5th February 2019, 2:04 PM   #9
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I'm not trying to hijack, but my story is similar. My STBXH had an affair and told me he couldn't wait to divorce me. That was over a year ago. I told him since he was so hell bent on D, he could file and pay all of the associated costs. I wouldn't fight him. It took a few months, but I moved out. Living together during separation was hell. I didn't file, because I couldn't afford to. He didn't file for over a year and I had to ask him every day when he planned to file until he actually did. Divorce only takes 60 days in our state. He could have been free and clear fast.

I didn't want a divorce, yet I had to wait for him to get the divorce he wanted. He also tried to be friends like nothing had happened, but he never wanted to do any of the things to attempt reconciliation. I felt like the one paying for his sins while he lived blissfully absolved from the destruction he caused.

I think my STBXH had already rewritten our history, justified it in his mind, and moved on before I was aware there were major problems. He most likely was using the time frame to give the appearance that he was a good guy making an effort, rather than the guy that cheated and ran out on his family. Why would he be in a hurry to D? He's been living like he's single any way. He was too wrapped up in his own needs to bother taking time to file and set me free.

Either way, it's so hard. They show how little respect the have for their spouse when they cheat and when they won't follow through with divorce in a timely manner. It should seem like a blessing in disguise, but I'm not there yet. It doesn't sound like you are either. Sending you positive energy.
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Old 5th February 2019, 2:11 PM   #10
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What advantages does he have to staying married? Health insurance? Tax savings? Continued gain in value of your 401k? Rights to your social security benefits after 10 years of marriage? Spousal support from a long term marriage? Look at the financials, the insurance, and the non tangibles. Something he's hiding that would come out along the way during disclosure of financial assets?

Maybe he doesn't want to spend the money on an attorney, maybe he doesn't even have it (you say he's got money but maybe he spent it all on drugs or a gambling addiction, who knows?)

Get inside his head and think like he's thinking. There's a reason and I doubt it's laziness.
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Old 5th February 2019, 2:43 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chryssy83 View Post
I just donít know why he wonít do any of this. We are both sophisticated enough to get this done, advance degrees and high power jobs. I just donít know why he doesnít care to get it over with.
Because he is enjoying it...does it matter? He is going to hide 20K?...who cares. You think he cares about whether or not he hides his new love because he is still married?...he doesn't.

Personally, I think you're shopping around for some magic...aha...answer to a question you will really never know the answer to, but want to dwell upon. You got ride of the dude...be happy. A judge may or may no set aside a divorce..depending upon the conditions...it's worth the couple grand. Besides, you say you're an attorney, do your own divorce.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:23 PM   #12
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Because he is enjoying it...does it matter? He is going to hide 20K?...who cares. You think he cares about whether or not he hides his new love because he is still married?...he doesn't.

Personally, I think you're shopping around for some magic...aha...answer to a question you will really never know the answer to, but want to dwell upon. You got ride of the dude...be happy. A judge may or may no set aside a divorce..depending upon the conditions...it's worth the couple grand. Besides, you say you're an attorney, do your own divorce.
Have you heard the saying that a man who represents himself has a fool for an attorney? I donít do family law, I could do a divorce that would get the job done but I want to make sure itís done well.

He wants to hide the affair partner because he has told everyone that there is no affair. He told his family we have been working at our marriage for a long time and there is nothing left to try. He told them we agreed on everything and werenít hiring attorneys, even though he knew I already had one. He wants to look like the good guy and he tells me all the time Iím crazy for thinking he was cheating and Iím just trying to blame something else for ďwhat I did.Ē I am not perfect but I didnít ďdoĒ any thing Iím ashamed of.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:28 PM   #13
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What advantages does he have to staying married? Health insurance? Tax savings? Continued gain in value of your 401k? Rights to your social security benefits after 10 years of marriage? Spousal support from a long term marriage? Look at the financials, the insurance, and the non tangibles. Something he's hiding that would come out along the way during disclosure of financial assets?

Maybe he doesn't want to spend the money on an attorney, maybe he doesn't even have it (you say he's got money but maybe he spent it all on drugs or a gambling addiction, who knows?)

Get inside his head and think like he's thinking. There's a reason and I doubt it's laziness.

We each have our own insurance. He makes probably 4 times what I make so my income doesn’t make much difference. We aren’t close to the 10 years for social security and our tax rate is probably about the same married as it is for him alone. Or higher. I would save money tax wise after the divorce but his monthly income, accumulated 401k value, etc actually provides me the incentive to stay married, but not him.

The part about hiding info could be it, though. I think there is financial evidence of the affair and he doesn’t want to face it. He denies the affair, says our relationship can be the exact same as it was when we were married except we can have an opportunity to be happy with new romantic partners. The only reason we aren’t having family time together with the kids etc is because I won’t even speak to him unless absolutely necessary. But he’s never reached out beyond little invitations to make small talk which I reject.

And I know he has the money because we still have joint accounts plus I took a bunch and put it in an account he couldn’t access just in case and it’s a lot of money.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:32 PM   #14
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Maybe he doesn't want to split his 401k or pay support. Or risk having you find assets he hid during the marriage.

Not understanding why you still have joint accounts. This guy cheated on you in the worst possible way and clearly cannot be trusted. Take your half out of each one and put them where he can't touch them. Otherwise you risk him draining those accounts at any time. But you're an attorney, you know this.
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Old 5th February 2019, 3:34 PM   #15
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Stop playing nice and start playing hardball.
Expose the affair everywhere, get those financial records, get another lawyer or replace your current one if he can't get anything done.
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