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Saddest story ever told she dumped me again and I am in pain Ė


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

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Old 8th February 2018, 12:22 PM   #31
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Hi LostSoul

I’m am so sorry you are hurting. This must be a really tough situation.

I think many of us on LS have experienced the same emotions during a breakup. It’s hard but we are here for you.

Also, no pressure, but there is a coping section here on LS. You might want to post over there; you might get more support from people experiencing the same thing.

Hugs my friend!
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:30 PM   #32
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Can someone offer support please?

Woke up angry and sad.

I was blindsided by my best friend, then my best friend had no shame posting the courtship in the Woods, what I think was the day after she was intimate with another on Facebook where I could see it.

This is so out of character for her based on her past and how compassionate she is to others.

I don’t think it was fully planned out by her, like women typically do. I think it just happened and she just dealt with it in her own way.

My guess is she was with intimate with this guy the night before the pictures in the woods.

She did not want to confront me about it, she would never hurt me that bad hence two days later she asks to take a step back at the end of our conversation where I was asking about her kid.

She lied to me and said it was just her and the pets and did not want to have a detailed breakup discussion because of what happened two days before.

This would explain why she did not want to have a full on breakup talk that day.

She’s the type of person who would think things through and consider all involved and the discussions which have to take place. She would not knowingly do this if she knew I’d be out of her life forever. She counted on me being plan B.

My pain comes mostly in the way this went down.

I’m am angry she did this to me and did not think it through. It’s partially my fault for not communicating that after break#2, if she left again and was intimate that I would be out for good. At least she would have the info needed to make a clear choice. I am sad knowing that she had no regards for my heart and she was my best friend.

I never want to see her for the rest of my life.

Last edited by Lostsoulseeking; 8th February 2018 at 12:32 PM.. Reason: Update
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Old 8th February 2018, 5:56 PM   #33
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Thumbs up Thank you so much

Quote:
Originally Posted by divegrl View Post
Hi LostSoul

Iím am so sorry you are hurting. This must be a really tough situation.

I think many of us on LS have experienced the same emotions during a breakup. Itís hard but we are here for you.

Also, no pressure, but there is a coping section here on LS. You might want to post over there; you might get more support from people experiencing the same thing.

Hugs my friend!
Thank you so much for the support.
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Old 8th February 2018, 6:37 PM   #34
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Empowering myself - I have an empowerment plan and it makes sense

I asked myself the following:

What do I want?

Do I want to somehow manipulate my way back into her heart so we can pursue the full on relationship. Would is this be a good idea? I don't think it would because I would going into it with a level of resentment for what happened and questioning myself for not going through with my plan to stay single and date others, really understand my match, then be open to a relationship. I would basically feel trapped into something not initiated by me.

So to answer the question, what I want for me is to take some time for myself to focus on my health, my dream of making it big, my kids, my career, which in the end will allow me to fulfill what I believe is my "purpose" which is to do my part in healing the world by the way of helping others. During this time I will also meet and date others and that is perfectly okay since this was my plan all along.

If down the road "I " feel like I want to reconnect with my ex, I will do so but if I do, it will be with a clean heart and without resentment.

Given our relationship situation, and how I kept it in an ambiguous state, I have to take at least half the blame for lack of communication. There were no clear guidelines to what each of us could or could not do. That was mostly my fault. I was on Dating sites, I did not want to commit to her. She has every right to meet others. She did not intend to hurt me, it just happened and the explosion of feelings within me happened too. I take responsibility for keeping her in an unstable relationship and therefore impacting her self-esteem i'm sure. If after a period of time and after all this If I feel she is "My" best choice as a long term partner, I will make an effort to contact her. If she is not available at that future time then it was not meant to be at that future time.

There is one remaining question in my mind and that is this.
During our call, I basically told her to not contact me again, I did not say never contact me but it was implied. I was openly bitter that she lined up my replacement before "taking a step back" and having a real discussion about what that meant. I am 100% that I do not want any contact with her during this period and I do not have a time-frame. I don't want to know anything about what is going on with her and I also need her to experience my long term absence to see if I really did mean something to her.

I feel like I closed the door shut and left her with a bad last impression.
I don't want her to feel guilt when she thinks about me. I also don't want to set any expectations, make promises or leave false hope.
I don't want to communicate anything in any shape or form that appears I am trying to manipulate her because I am not.

I have to think this one through. I have to send some of her stuff back in a box, I was thinking to leave a small note within the box.

Maybe I can just say: Please remember the good times we had and know that there are no hard feelings. Like you, I need some time and space for myself now, please respect that.

What do you think? Should I tell her that I loved her and feel bad that I never said it? Even though it is true, it seems it would come off as pulling heart strings.

Please, let me know what you all think. Letter or no Letter?

If letter, should I give any details of my empowerment plan?

Thanks for listening.

Last edited by Lostsoulseeking; 8th February 2018 at 6:46 PM.. Reason: update
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Old 8th February 2018, 7:05 PM   #35
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I don't think you could squeeze back in right now even if you tried. Remember she is in a new relationship and probably a tad miffed that in 2 years you wouldn't commit.

Didn't you say you didn't want anything to do with her after she slept with someone else? Maybe I have the wrong thread.

I would leave communication alone for now. She is already respecting your wishes - she has not reached out has she? Maybe after some time has passed and your emotions have normalized, MAYBE then reach out...but honestly if there is no getting back together now that she has been with someone else I'm not sure what the point would be? Good memories will drop into her mind naturally after emotions have settled and time has passed.

I think it's too soon to do anything right now. No to the letter regardless. You want her to read your confessions of love with her new boyfriend? Not to be harsh, I think that's a bad idea especially since she has a new beau. Just give yourself time. One day you'll see it for what it was - a rebound situation you weren't ready for, and hopefully you won't care what she thinks anymore.
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Old 8th February 2018, 7:31 PM   #36
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Thanks for your support. To answer your question...

Quote:
Originally Posted by springy View Post
I don't think you could squeeze back in right now even if you tried. Remember she is in a new relationship and probably a tad miffed that in 2 years you wouldn't commit.

Didn't you say you didn't want anything to do with her after she slept with someone else? Maybe I have the wrong thread.

I would leave communication alone for now. She is already respecting your wishes - she has not reached out has she? Maybe after some time has passed and your emotions have normalized, MAYBE then reach out...but honestly if there is no getting back together now that she has been with someone else I'm not sure what the point would be? Good memories will drop into her mind naturally after emotions have settled and time has passed.

I think it's too soon to do anything right now. No to the letter regardless. You want her to read your confessions of love with her new boyfriend? Not to be harsh, I think that's a bad idea especially since she has a new beau. Just give yourself time. One day you'll see it for what it was - a rebound situation you weren't ready for, and hopefully you won't care what she thinks anymore.
Thanks for your support. To answer your question about never wanting to be with her again if she slept with someone else. It is true I said that however I said that when I considered what she did was cheating. She did not cheat, I left her in a limbo, non-committal and basically FWB situation. Yes, I prefer she would have gone about it differently but I can't accuse her of cheating when we were not official, we were never official, that was my choice. So with that said, my mindset has changed. If she finds a more compatible mate then by all means, go for it. I have extreme confidence in myself, she fell in love with me and the intimacy was off the charts for her. It was mediocre for me but actually was getting better as I became closer to her. This happened besides the fact that I did not give her my full heart ever. If I did, she would be madly in love with me today, as would I her, that is a 100% certainty. I know how to treat a woman. I now how to make a woman feel special, I have a lot to give and someone, somewhere, sometime will feel that love. I did not do this for her and she still fell in love. To me that means if I decide to give it another shot and with a clean heart, it means I know she and I are meant to be together, and she will know it too. I will actually put in the effort she deserves. If that happens it will be magical (me tearing up)..


This is the reason why I am now empowered. I truly do not want her right now! Not because she is not awesome but because we BOTH need this break. We both need to heal and find our way.

She was heavily impacted by her divorce, her husband left her and she is still devastated where this life turn has taken her. I was not heavily impacted. I may have been the rebound for her, she was not my rebound. I'm so thankful that I am divorced and I would never have it any other way.

I am fully empowered now because I am calling my own shots. I found the silver lining. I am not intimidated by other men. If they are more right for her than I, then so be it.

Last edited by Lostsoulseeking; 8th February 2018 at 7:34 PM..
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:09 AM   #37
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You still don't sound like you know what you want. Please leave her be.
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Old 9th February 2018, 11:43 AM   #38
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Being thankful that you divorced does not necessarily mean you weren't rebounding, or were ready to date. You were dating from a place of neediness (not wanting to be alone). I think your plan to stay single (truly single) is a good one for now. I still recommend staying no contact with this lady.
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:42 PM   #39
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Thank you so much for taking time for this

You pinpointed an extremely important fact.
After the divorce I was working on self-improvement and made it to a better place. I was very healthy and becoming happy with myself but ready to date was probably not true. Desperate to fill my needs was a better description.

This person entered my life during this time and I knew I did not want to be with her long term from the start. Not that she was not wonderful but because I was not ready.

Taking care of me went by the wayside and my state of happines, mind and body
went into a slow decline. This was not her fault, she enhanced my world and was always positive, nurturing and loving. I should have been stronger and broke it off after she fell in love. I just couldnít hurt her after what happened to her and her marriage. She claimed to be ready for a relationship but I am certain she was not. She was looking to fill the void too. I was her rebound too.

Both she and I need to be out there right now finding our way and not together and this point in time.

She always said I would regret not being with her and I would later realize how awesome she is. She was right.
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Old 10th February 2018, 4:18 AM   #40
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Not exactly true

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Originally Posted by Cullenbohannon View Post
You don't think you would take her back? She is not girlfriend materiel? Am i missing something? Why would she take YOU back. You clearly are not bf materiel. You offered her nothing and so she is returning the favor. You jerked her around, cheated on her and have the nerve to superior yourself if she touched another guy. WTF. YOU CHEATED ON HER. (But not full intimacy...ok)

Honestly, the best thing is for you to continue to be a pompous ass. She will find her forever, wether it be this guy or the next. You dont love her and never did, so what do you need support for?

Do you even read what you write? You don't paint a good picture of yourself.

The mirror is your truth. She did nothing wrong. You treated her badly and another man stepped up to the plate and she left you. You deserve what you have...nothing.
She broke up with me during this time (break #2). She was fully intimate with someone for maybe a month during the break claiming she went with him because he claimed he wanted a relationship. Now I question all of that. Now knowing the deal. He was newly separated from his wife at the time. So what woman would pursue a man for a stable relationship when he is not even fully divorced? Was it a crock? I tried to forget that period of time but I should have asked more questions and paid attention. At that time we were broken up, I met that woman and dated her for 3 weeks. We did not have full intimacy. So it is incorrect to say I cheated on her.
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Old 10th February 2018, 4:59 AM   #41
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recapping my feelings

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Originally Posted by Lostsoulseeking View Post
Dear ex,
I hope you find happiness. I do love you. I appoligize that I did not say I love you ever, it was immature of me. I love you.

You are a wonderful, beautiful woman who deserved much more than I gave. Timing was not right for me in the beginning fresh off my divorce to take on a full time girlfriend. To me, being in a committed relationship means completely giving yourself, your attention and love and I was not ready for that. Remember, I made a pact to be single for at least two years? Well we stretched our on an and off relationship to almost what will be 2 years next month 3-12-2018.

I feel I have missed an opportunity to have been with an amazing woman. Giving my entire self to you as you very well have deserved. I was fantasizing about this over the holidays but did not tell you. My fantasy was that I would sort of "pop the question" not to be married but to profess my feelings for you, it was to be very dramatic and wonderful. I'm sorry. This is my loss and it is an immeasurable loss. Being there when you need a soulmate to steer you, confide in or comfort you in times of trouble, to hold you when you are sad, to love you.

I messed up big time.

They say you dont know what you have until its gone and that rings so true for me. Losing a Lover and a best friend in one shot is devastating.

I purposley sabatoged the relationship with behaviour that I knew was unattractive to women. I acted cold at times, brought up negative things all the time, did not treat you special, I did not take you on
special dates, all on purpose so you could ween off of me, I wanted to protect your heart so you could move on gracefully. But now I realize that instead of protecting you, I weakend your spirit and
impacted your self-estem. Now I feel like I was a coward. I am sorry. I cannot forgive myself for this.

I took you for granted. I'm sorry.

Somehow along he way I developed deep feelings for you. I miss the compainionship. I miss your precense. I miss your laugh.
I miss your strength and vulnerability. I miss your nerdiness and bluntness. I miss your bad memory. I miss giving you a tender healing kiss.
I miss your quirkiness. I miss your sense of humor. I miss your quotes. I miss my best friend.

This is a letter you will never see but just so you know. You were right, I did discover how wonderful you were and I blew my chance to to be with an amazing beautiful woman.

I will love you always,
Me
I am reading the is unsent letter I wrote two days ago. Today, there is a lot less urge to send it even though it is still true. I suffered and struggled all week at work and at home dealing with the loss. I am pretty sure she is not suffering or struggling. In fact, I am sure that my effort to ween her off of me worked very well. She probably lost interest in me a while ago and was just staying with me until she could line up a replacement. This is evident by the fact that one day she is making plans in March with me, and soon there after she broke it off and did not want to discuss in detail the reasons.

I just feel that after almost 2 years (21 months), that if you are going to lose someone forever (like she did in my case), you would think it through and at the very least do so with an adult conversation and final communication and a proper farewell. I am unhappy that she did not think it through.

With my absence, I think she will go through some pain at some point. I don't wish it on her at all, but I am sure she will. It just seems unfair.

If we had that conversation I would have been in the right frame of mind.
I would have insisted on agreeing to take some time for ourselves with nobody else in the picture then do an inventory on how we both feel, either become exclusive or say goodbye.

If we said goodbye, at least it is done with dignity and respect and that would still leave the door open in the future for both of us.

She is smart, she did not want to have it because she was already in discussion with my replacement and jumping on that opportunity was more important to her than our 2 year relationship.

Last edited by Lostsoulseeking; 10th February 2018 at 5:04 AM..
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Old 10th February 2018, 10:02 PM   #42
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Update

So I am still struggling a little but I have spoken to a lot of friends family and colleagues this week and everyone including myself agrees that I will be better off as it is now.

I think one big issue has been lack of sleep all week, I as up til 4:30AM getting rid of pictures and text messages because I just want to put this all behind me this weekend and not have to deal with it later. I may be getting 3-4 hours a night. Also eating, I may have lost 10lbs this week, eating very little but healthy, and also working out a lot.

I am going out with one of my best friends tonight so it will be good to go out and try and have fun. He will drive. I may have a few drinks even though I am a 1-2 drink person. It may be more than 1-2 tonight.

I will treat it as a celebration.

I know all of this will subside
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Old 11th February 2018, 6:10 AM   #43
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Update

Met a nice (beautiful) lady tonight and she is exactly my type.
Not that it matters but she is at least 10 years younger than the ex.

Iíll check on her schedule and take her out.;

Meanwhile, the ex is probably with someone she doesnít really care for or even like.
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Old 11th February 2018, 2:33 PM   #44
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God and Universe

I always believe that in general, things happen for a reason.
Personally I believe in God. My ex is agnostic. I reached out to
my God in prayer this week Requesting to provide some guidance.
I feel the presence, love and support being provided by a higher being.

Keyword, Love.
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Old 11th February 2018, 2:45 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lostsoulseeking View Post
Met a nice (beautiful) lady tonight and she is exactly my type.
Not that it matters but she is at least 10 years younger than the ex.

Iíll check on her schedule and take her out.;

Meanwhile, the ex is probably with someone she doesnít really care for or even like.

The age difference of the women you date seem to have played a big part of things for you? What is that about?


Also, since you genuinely care about this woman, why would you want her to be with someone she doesn't really care for or even like? Why would you not want her to be happy? Also, what gives you the impression she feel this way about her lover?
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