What is the Attachment Style of my ex? ***Updated***

[TooRational]

Hi,

 

My ex recently dumped me after a 6 months r/s. I'm over-analyzing things but this is my way of coping, I need to understand what happened. This way of coping has helped heal from my divorce so I'm at it again with this rebound r/s.

 

I realized that we probably had different attachment styles (I'm slightly anxious-preoccupied). I'm now trying to figure out what style my ex was (either Secure, Dismissive-Avoidant or Fearful-Avoidant). Here are a few points about her (negatives first, positives follow).

 

• She clearly said that she doesn't miss me when we're not together. She's "not built that way". She says she doesn't miss her daughter when she's not with her either (50/50 custody)
  
• She is VERY independent. Her mom had lots of abusing boyfriends in her childhood and she's made it a life goal not to ever depend on men to be happy (unlike her mom)
  
• He ex-husband dumped her for another girl a year ago (we met 6 months ago). This had been a 12 years relationship for them. Her way of coping was to engage in lots of casual sexual encounters through Tinder, until she met me. Probably had >10 encounters in 3-4 months.
  
• When she got married, she told me that she never really believed that marriage was gonna be forever (when hearing the "forever" lines the day of her marriage). Sure, she wanted it to last as long as possible but never had any illusions about it.
  
• She's not romantic. Doesn't really like flowers all that much, the thought of a bathtub with candles and rose petals in the water almost gives her nausea (exaggerating but you get the point).
  
• Says that with relationships, she really thinks like a guy (she's a mechanical engineer so is boyish in lots of ways)
  
• She's very intolerant of any signs of jealousy from her partner (her own admission)
  
• Very intolerant as well of any sign of "dependence" from me
  
• Has very high standards for herself (was a top student in school, the very best one of her promotion in high school and University)
  
• In general, doesn't take criticism very well at all (by her own admission)
  
• She wants a simple relationship without drama. Doesn't like when we need to talk over stuff, finds it "complicated".
  
• Often tells me that I over-analyze things and that it kills the "magic" between us
  
• Took a while before she committed to the relationship (3-4 mo). Seems like she was afraid of getting in too deep too fast and getting hurt. Part of the reason is she thought I wasn't ready for a relationship so soon after my divorce (18 years for me, I started dating after 3 months)
  
• Didn't say "I love you" much (maybe 2-3 times a week in our best times). She actually told me that she finds that it loses its meaning if told too much.
  
• I didn't feel like our relationship was very high on her priority list. One example, a particular Saturday night while I was there, she actually cleaned out her rental apartment in the basement instead of spending a night together. She could easily have done that the next day instead.
  
• The one event that triggered our downward spiral: She went out to a male co-worker b-day party with her mostly-male coworkers. Drinking and all. I wasn't invited (even though some of her co-workers invited their g/f). In fact, inviting me didn't even cross her mind. She even said that she preferred to be alone to be able to reconnect with old friends without the burden of introducing me to lots of people (she explained that only afterwards though).
  
• She never really sent me any love letter (one exception below). She finds them cheesy. Her Valentine card was one of those small 2" square that are attached to gift bags.
  

 

Ok, all of the above was pretty negative. It's probably a way for me to convince myself that we were not compatible. Here are some of her positive characteristics, again to help in figuring out her attachment style.

 

• She really enjoyed laying in bed and cuddle on weekend mornings with me
  
• In our better days, we could spend a whole mornings just hugging. She can be very physically affectionate
  
• Incredibly awesome in bed, very sexual (would climax through intercourse 95% of the time)
  
• Did a great birthday card for me. It was actually an aluminum card, with engraved loving words. But it was very short (like her Valentine card), but this is understandable given that it was engraved
  
• Did a nice birthday celebration for me, with thoughtful gifts and sushi night.
  
• In our better days (4 months into it), we actually started discussing future together, moving into the same house, etc. She was willing to consider a long-term relationship
  
• Keeps herself very busy. Lots of sports (almost daily), healthy social life, hard worker, etc. Successful woman.
  
• She did make efforts to sometimes come spend time at my place when we didn't have the kids. But I would say the ratio was 30/70. I was at her place 70% of the time. She kinda thought I lived far (20 min away from her).
  
• Even though she had found that cheesy at first, she did start sending me cute little loving emoticons through Messenger. She stopped when we had the co-worker b-day issue.
  
• When she did say "I love you" (typically after intimate sex), I really felt that it came from her heart, that she truly felt that
  

 

So, what do you guys think is her kind of attachment style?

[LD1990]

• Often tells me that I over-analyze things and that it kills the "magic" between us
  

You don't say.

 

Based on your post, she's textbook dismissive-avoidant, but that doesn't really matter. You should be looking at yourself, not her. You're trying to psychoanalyze a woman you were only with for 6 months, and who didn't even get serious about this relationship until the 4 month mark. Why don't you look at what you could do differently in the future? How do you want to improve? That's much more important than trying to figure someone else out. You're never going to know for sure what's going on inside your ex's head.

[bummer]

Fear leads to over- compensating to protect the ego? Does it matter to silo her personality more than the list you gave? She's rebounding and you were a part of it. Hopefully you helped her along and enjoyed your time together.

[TooRational]

LD1990, believe me, I tortured myself a lot about my own failures in this relationship. Up to recently, I was taking all the blame for its failure. Whenever we had bad moments, I would always be the one apologizing for my behavior. However, now I realize that I'm entitled to the way I felt and my needs in a relationship. This post is a way to convince myself that she was avoidant and that I wasn't the sole problem in the relationship, we were simply incompatible. I kinda want validation that she was indeed avoidant and that I'm not simply overly anxious-preoccupied. Granted, I do have anxious tendencies but I think that any "normal" person would have developed some anxiety given her actions.

 

bummer, not sure if I follow your train of thoughts. She did have a few short-term relationships between her divorce and myself (max 3 weeks). So I wasn't exactly her rebound. She was my rebound though. But I reject the idea that all rebound relationships are doomed.

[lana-banana]

Irrelevant.

[Blanco]

Avoidant, no question about it.

 

But she's your ex and you two weren't together all that long, so it's best to know you two weren't compatible in a way where you could both be happy, so ultimately, it's good this burned out quickly.

 

I kind of agree with LD1990; she's rebounding. A rebound isn't just the relationship that comes after the end of one. It's using another person in order to get over the last person/relationship and avoid any of the negative feelings that go along with it. I would guess she's not really over her divorce.

[TooRational]

Yes, maybe we were not compatible after all and it's better that it burned out "quickly". However, I can't help but think that if only we both made a little effort to understand the other's feelings we could have worked this out.

 

It sucks to have so many things in common with a partner and see a bright future together, only to have that destroyed by what I see as a communication issue.

 

Instead of discussing the trigger of our downward spiral like healthy adults do, we couldn't really do it because then she found that "complicated". I feel that she preferred to hope that everything was gonna fix itself but that's wishful thinking, relationships take a little effort. I felt like she didn't want to put in the effort (and/or didn't want to receive any kind of criticism). But then again, all that happened during an extremely stressful period of her life (work related). I'm bitter that she didn't wait until the stress was over before breaking up, to see things more clearly. We were on a break anyway so there was no rush.

 

What is especially hard to take is that we spent a great night two days before the breakup (actually last Tuesday). Sports together + GoT + great sex. Actually that night she told me that she needed a break from the stress that I was causing her. In the morning, seeing my anxiety, she gave me a reassuring hug and a loving french kiss. But two days letter she broke up with me over the phone. WTF?

 

There was definitely still "magic" and love between us. Which is all the more frustrating given that this was a relationship worth saving on my opinion. But hey, I'm biased

 

She told me by e-mail last Friday that she was willing to see me again to discuss, so that I can get closure. We went NC over the weekend (mutual agreement) and now I just e-mailed her asking if she was willing to have a beer on Thursday. We'll see.

 

The anxiety is killing me. What doesn't help to let go is that she's keeping a small door open. She's made it clear that perhaps we might get back together after I heal myself (she thinks I started a new relationship too soon after my divorce). But of course the chances seem slim. I won't go searching for a new partner anytime soon but I'm pretty sure that she will.

 

So, I should probably try to forget about her but it's incredibly hard to do, given that I'm madly in love with her and that she's kept that door open.

[Satu]

*

Hi,

 

My ex recently dumped me after a 6 months r/s. I'm over-analyzing things but this is my way of coping, *I need to understand what happened. This way of coping has helped heal from my divorce so I'm at it again with this rebound r/s.

 

 

*I'm sure you do, but more importantly, you need to know what to do.

 

 

From my journals:

 

 

Generally speaking, when someone is obsessing about their ex, that preoccupation causes the person to neglect themselves.

 

 

Are you eating healthily?

 

Are you drinking enough water?

 

Are you exercising?

 

Are you spending time with other people, family and friends?

 

Are you getting out of the house enough?

 

Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol?

 

If you are on any prescription meds, are you taking them properly?

 

Are you doing fun stuff, just for enjoyment?

 

Are you keeping up with your responsibilities?

 

 

Those are the things you need to do before you do anything else.

 

Make sure that you don't skip any of these.

 

 

Take care.

[TooRational]

Great advice. Yes, overall I think that I'm doing fairly well all things considered. I'm keeping up my running habit, actually I just registered for a race in two months, at which I plan to beat my personal best.

 

The night right after she broke up with me I felt like getting wasted, but I went to bed at 9:30 instead because I was tired.

 

I do drink a little bit at night but nothing to be worried about. A glass or two. I do smoke a little pot as well on occasion but again, I'm being very reasonable.

 

I saw friends Friday night and Saturday night.

 

I finally repaired my RC plane this weekend, something I had on my to-do list for 3 years. I enjoyed it.

 

The biggest issue for me is work productivity. I do a very mental job and I can't concentrate. I keep thinking about her and reading tons of stuff online to try to make sense of all of this.

 

She just replied to my e-mail and she agreed to meet for a beer Thursday night. This will hopefully be the closure I seek. It might go two ways. Either I see that she's really over me (might have had sexual encounters, etc), OR, she gives me hope somehow. In either case I need to talk about what happened and try to understand how we could have handled things better.

 

I'm not sure what I should hope for. Her shutting the door completely or giving me hope and continuing my agony. Of course I'd like to get back with her but the anxiety of this limbo mode is very hard to handle. Can't wait to have this discussion with her on Thursday.

[Satu]

Great advice. Yes, overall I think that I'm doing fairly well all things considered. I'm keeping up my running habit, actually I just registered for a race in two months, at which I plan to beat my personal best.

 

The night right after she broke up with me I felt like getting wasted, but I went to bed at 9:30 instead because I was tired.

 

I do drink a little bit at night but nothing to be worried about. A glass or two. I do smoke a little pot as well on occasion but again, I'm being very reasonable.

 

I saw friends Friday night and Saturday night.

 

I finally repaired my RC plane this weekend, something I had on my to-do list for 3 years. I enjoyed it.

 

*The biggest issue for me is work productivity. I do a very mental job and I can't concentrate. I keep thinking about her and reading tons of stuff online to try to make sense of all of this.

 

She just replied to my e-mail and she agreed to meet for a beer Thursday night. This will hopefully be the closure I seek. It might go two ways. Either I see that she's really over me (might have had sexual encounters, etc), OR, she gives me hope somehow. In either case I need to talk about what happened and try to understand how we could have handled things better.

 

I'm not sure what I should hope for. Her shutting the door completely or giving me hope and continuing my agony. Of course I'd like to get back with her but the anxiety of this limbo mode is very hard to handle. Can't wait to have this discussion with her on Thursday.

 

*Sounds like you're doing a lot right, but it might be wise to put a limit on your internet activities, if you want to keep up your mental capacity at work.

 

 

Take care.

[TooRational]

Any other opinion on the attachment style of my ex?

[TooRational]

How do you guys deal with the "you're too dependent" accusations from your ex? I find that pejorative and a hard pill to swallow. Yes I do have needs that weren't met but I don't think I was codependent. We were just stuck in the anxious-avoidant vicious cycle. I don't wanna take all the blame, I'm pretty sure I'd be perfectly fine with a Secure type of person.

 

Short backstory: My ex broke up because of attachment style incompatibilities. I'm slightly anxious-preoccupied whereas she's avoidant. She doesn't really talk in terms of attachment style theory (she hasn't read up on it), rather, she uses the "dependent" word all the time. I her mind she's very independent and I'm too dependent on her. That creates drama. She can't tolerate that. End of story.

 

How do you guys cope with that? How do you know whether you're pathologically anxious-preoccupied vs simply a Secure person that was driven towards anxiety by an avoidant partner? I did an online test and I'm secure with my friends and family. I was only anxious with my ex.

[elaine567]

I'm pretty sure I'd be perfectly fine with a Secure type of person.

 

 

Fine, then go out and find one.

Over analysing your ex is a bit irrelevant now as she has dumped you.

You were just not compatible, it happens a lot and that is fundamentally what dating is about, finding people you are compatible with.

 

Lots of accusations get bandied about at the end of relationships.

They are used to justify breaking up, some are true, some aren't true.

Best to take with a pinch of salt and not take to heart.

 

Grieve, heal and move on.

[Satu]

You've mistaken the map for the territory.

 

 

'Attachment styles,' and other psychological models, are just that: models.

 

The same goes for Myers-Briggs, Enneagrams, or whatever else you might use.

 

The Freudians speak of Ego, Super-ego, and Id, but they have no objective reality. They are just part of a model which Freud created to aid him in his understanding of how a person's psyche might work. Freud himself knew that they have no objective reality. He never claimed that they did.

 

 

Your rigid belief in 'attachment styles' verges on superstition.

 

 

So she didn't break up with you because of "attachment style incompatibilities."

 

 

She broke up with you because she felt you were too dependent on her.

 

 

That is the actual reality, from her point of view.

 

 

So once again: Don't mistake the map for the territory.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 16, 2016 by Satu

[TooRational]

I understand that attachment theory is just a model. It's not like a specific disease for which you can do a lab test and make a diagnosis. Still, that model fits well to explain my failed relationship and in order to cope with the breakup, I need to try to understand what happened.

 

My initial question remains: how to deal with these accusations without ruining your self-esteem? I'm doing to usual recommended stuff: see friends, exercise, eat well, reconnect with hobbies, etc. But although it helps me cope, I can't stop over-analyzing myself. I want to convince myself that I'm "normal" and we were simply incompatible. But now I'm stuck with this self-image of being dependant, codependant, anxious-preoccupied, whatever the right etiquette is. All unhealthy things.

 

Yes, starting a new relationship with a Secure person could help but I don't think that I'm ready for that yet. I'd like to first convince myself that I'm a healthy individual in the way I handle relationships (or actively work on improving myself if necessary).

 

Thanks for any pointers.

[Satu]

snip

I need to try to understand what happened.

 

 

This is what happened:

 

 

She felt you were too dependent on her, so she broke up with you.

 

 

Take care.

[Emilia]

Make sure you understand how boundaries work. That's really what most literature is about, understanding how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in a relationship.

[TooRational]

snip

She felt you were too dependent on her, so she broke up with you.

 

Alright, that's your view (hers actually), the harsh truth. Doesn't help my self-esteem in the least however to think about it that way. It's like I have 100% of the blame when looking at it this way.

 

I much prefer something like "We were too incompatible in our attachment styles".

 

One angle that I'm looking at it now is that my anxiety (need for reassurance of her feelings for me) was being perceived as being dependant. But I don't think I was dependant. I was (and still am) able to enjoy myself without her. They say that a true test of whether you were a "love addict" or dependant, is how you cope with a breakup. I've had two breakups in the past 9 months and I haven't crawled into a black hole, didn't start to drink, etc. I felt pain, for sure, but I'm handling myself. I'm just refusing the "dependant" etiquette, I hate it. I think I was simply with an avoidant woman who valued her independance more than a close, intimate relationship. Who also didn't express her love feelings much (or not in a way that I was receptive to perhaps). My needs weren't met and when I expressed them, she freaked out. I prefer this point of view.

 

Emilia, any particular book you recommend?

[Satu]

snip

 

Alright, *that's your view (hers actually), the harsh truth. Doesn't help my self-esteem in the least however to think about it that way. It's like I have 100% of the blame when looking at it this way.

 

 

*I don't have a view. I wasn't there.

 

 

You said you wanted to understand why she broke up with you, so again:

 

 

She broke up with you because she felt you were too dependent on her.

 

 

That was her stated reason, as given, why she did what she did.

 

 

No matter what you do, no matter which books you read, or which theoretical model you employ, thats why she broke up with you.

 

 

You disagree with her reasoning, and thats fine, but the reason she broke up with you is immutable.

 

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 16, 2016 by Satu

[Emilia]

Emilia, any particular book you recommend?

I've read so much on this, can't remember. it's very good to google it (not being patronising, it's just there are new publications out there all the time) but one guy that was very influential to me was him

 

The Guide to Strong Boundaries

[BlueIris]

You were too dependent for her.

 

Why see it as an accusation? Maybe its just an explanation of why she broke up with you. There isn’t necessarily anything wrong with you- or her- just because she decided you weren’t a good fit.

[Blanco]

You're going down a rabbit hole, my friend.

 

I was with someone who sounds like your ex for three years and experienced a lot of the things you did. Even after it was over, knowing the relationship was not right, I was obsessed with figuring out why. To an extent, that helped, especially attachment theory. But here's the thing: There's a point of diminishing returns.

 

After a while, you've analyzed it from every possible angle, gathered your findings, and can do no more; not without developing an unhealthy fixation on the matter.

 

What I'm saying is this: You have your answers. You just don't like them. But you need to accept them and stop trying to further psychoanalyze your ex or the brief relationship you had with her.

[Trinity7]

Just wanted to say good luck if you still meet up with her tonight.

 

As far as her saying you're too dependent, please don't take that to heart and think it's something wrong with you. I mean, we can all stand to improve ourselves, sure, but I think anyone with any needs at all would be "too dependent" for her.

 

Unfortunately I see some of myself in her, and it does kill things quickly for me when someone gets too needy for my attention or time. It's just an incompatibility issue, I don't see it as them having something wrong with them, and I doubt she does either.

[PennyP]

What kind of relationship does she have with her parents?

[Blanco]

If you subscribe to the attachment theory as much as you seem to, then you'll know that even if the relationship had lasted, at least one of you would've likely felt put out by the "attachment" style of the other.

 

You would've felt discontent for her not reassuring you and validating your worth on a regular basis. She would've felt smothered by having to do these things which don't come naturally to her. Neither of you is wrong. Just different. Now you're both free to find more compatible partners.