Post break up after year long relationship - ! UPDATED

[Travelchick84]

Hey everyone. New to this and hoping for any advice and/or tips please as I know this is the best place for it right now.

 

My ex broke up with me 2 weeks ago after a beautiful holiday to Mexico. Said he didn't have any romantic feelings for me anymore and wanted to be friends although wasn't sure what we are doing.

 

We met last year through friends and turns out I remembered him as we dated 12 years ago whilst in the forces together. We hit it off straight away and he chased me. I wasn't sure at first as had been single for 4 years and didn't want to jump in so soon and get hurt. But after a few cosy date nights at his place we got together within a couple of weeks and things were great as we were friends as well as a couple. He couldn't speak highly of me enough and we just clicked, like it was meant to be. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and a ex wife. His daughters mum gives him abuse everyday because she is bitter and jealous but that didn't affect us. His daughter loved me and we had a close bond. Everyone from his family to his mates thought I was perfect for him as was so different to his exes.

 

He did throw a few Wobblies as he said it was hard to accept his feelings and falling in love with me etc but he always came back saying he got scared and I was what he needed and we only became stronger and had a lovely first Xmas and new year together. Supporting me through a medical problem I had at the time also.

 

In march after surgery I needed I wasn't getting support in my job I had at the time (I was an air hostess) and I relied on him heavily for support and I became needy. I didn't think he was giving me that and threaten to leave him. His reassurance to me said he didn't want that. We made up and then a few days later he dumped me by text. I was devastated. His reasons were he thought the relationship had run it's course. We had a holiday booked and I had no answers. After a week of NC I asked to see him and we spoke about things, he said he wanted me but couldn't do the love stuff at the moment. I said he needed space and said I'd like to see how it goes. He started to chase me again and assured me he just needed to get all his s*it sorted to make him happier to be able to focus on someone else but needed time. So we saw one another as and when and I still saw his daughter and we had time together the 3 of us and alone together. He then said I was still his gf and wanted a proper relationship with me and everything was good again.

I started a new job and didn't see him as much as I used to but he started to become distant and not contacting me saying he was letting me get settled at work etc. It drove me mad and I decided I couldn't be with someone who couldn't care for me as much as I did with them and especially how he had changed from the person he was last year. We had our holiday looming and I suggested numerous times to be friends which he refused saying we were ok. Again i gave him the benefit of the doubt. If he was drunk or hungover he would plead that he needed me and that I was his gf and that was it and we were to be together and go on holiday as a couple. It was only at those times he really said how he felt, letting his guard down saying he didn't want to get hurt even tho I did everything for him and his daughter and never asked for anything in return.

 

The holiday comes and I'm told no tagging on fb as he don't want people knowing his whereabouts and that the people who need to know he is on holiday know and that was it. I assumed he had something to hide but he said of course not just blaming fb being crap and that his daughters mum stalks our profiles and then texts him abuse etc (she very jealous of me due to being successful and her daughter loved me) he wasn't very affectionate on holiday and it was awful as I felt like I no longer knew him. I felt like I needed to have a break once I got home but 3 days later like I predicted he ended it by text again. After all we had been through.

His only reason is he doesn't love me and isn't fair to go on. I asked why he didn't do this when I suggested but never said. I've taken it very personally and have been very upset and hurt by it all because despite everything we did have a good time and loved being home alone or being out together. It's the small things we did that mattered and not the big things. He wanted to be friends and now says he can't and removed me from fb and when I was still being nice he turned nasty for the first time, saying he just wanted to get on with his life.

It's come as a complete shock. I've now done a week NC and keep thinking I know you will pop up one day and text me when all this has blown over. I struggle to get over him as I'm up and down most days.

I just don't understand this at all especially when he has no support now from anyone (he has a hospital thing and I'm the only one who knows) he didn't tell his family - I had to which they are sad about.

I'm just looking for advice on what to do to move on and what to do when and if he gets in touch. He wants our holiday photos believe it or not but I've said I'm posting them as no longer want to see him. He has my things at his place which he can keep for all I care. Very confused!! Any advice would be great. I'm slowly moving on but this is all so huge for me still.

Many thanks to you all!

[Travelchick84]

Any advice would be great thanks guys! Just in a crap place right now and need all the support I can get!!!

[Ellie35]

Hey,

 

Listen, do not contact him. Do not send photos. Make a deal with yourself to get to two weeks NC then three then four!

 

He has made his feelings clear, he is not interested.

 

Start writing a list of what you want to do, achieve etc concentrate delete him from all media sites and get rid of his email and phone number.Take a holiday. Just mind yourself.

 

No contact at all will help you to find yourself again. Take care.

[sparkles_and_me]

My bf (ex now) also had just broken up with me. It's only a few days since... It hurts so much not knowing that it was coming. I'm still in so much pain and keeps questioning myself why he gave up, what went wrong, etc. but all those are just useless questions now. They already made up their mind to move on without us and it is time for us to just do the same. I'm sure we'll get by... What's meant to be will always find a way... More power to both of us.

[Travelchick84]

Thank you!! What I find hard is that he has done this before and he always reeled me back in. Never let me be the one to end it. I know that he will pop up again as he hasn't deleted it blocked my number as I can see on what's app.

He said he made his feelings clear but based on one reason after a tough few weeks but they were my tough weeks and not his. He says he can't be without me then does that after our holiday?!! He still has my stuff but hasn't asked me to get it? I'm not breaking my no contact...I just want to know if these types of guys always pop up when they think you're gone....I did a lot for him and it was always me going to his house...I need closure but still very confused and I'm anxious of what he might do in the future because he knows I always come back to him as the past has proved that. I don't understand why he did what he did after I offered to end it so many times.

Any thoughts?!.... Thanks

[Ellie35]

He is attempting to control you. Keep you on the back burner in case something else doesn't work out. Maybe!!!

 

In my relationship, when I discussed our relationship or having a break, he suddenly got very clingy or angry...

 

I was walking on egg shells and in the end he left my house making plans then ended it in a phone call four hours later!!! And I thought we were working things out!!!lol! Maybe he was unhappy for months as he said , I don't know nor do I care. I am just focusing on me.

 

It's so hard not to analyse every bit of the relationship, so hard but distract yourself as nobody knows the answers here, it's just a guessing game that one torments themselves with.

 

When he sees your moving on, he will contact you and that's when you need to get super strong and remember how much **** this guy put you through.

 

Take care

[sbk24]

Hi there,

 

I have just gone through a break up (8 years) and believe me its tough. As I think you know what do, NC and Move on, but in reality it is much harder to do than it being said.

 

At the moment I am guessing you do think about him everyday and it hurts. However, like everyone else suggests, time heals. You just have to surround yourself with the people who actually care and love you and that make you happy.

 

Since my break up; only a couple of weeks ago, I have not been by myself but you just have to stick through it and keep occupied. You have been treated bad and you will find someone one day who will treat you right.

[Travelchick84]

Hi ellie35

Thank you. You have kinda hit the nail on the head there. Today I went to see my counsellor to help me deal with everything and to find strength and guidance in moving on. She said I was clearly in a co dependant relationship where as soon as I needed him or he felt like I wanted more he pushed me away as he couldn't deal with it because he has issues. Which is why he never let me just end it because men like him are so afraid of being dumped and left alone that they like to be the ones who do it. I kinda hate him for that because I'd have never let it go on for as long as I did and doing nice things for him and stuff and always making the effort, I'd have told him where to go only I wasn't strong enough and that's where the counsellor is helping me. In the uk we have relate and they are relationship counsellors and for me it really does help and helps me to see things from a different perspective... She said classic guys like this will always come back to you when they have maybe dated and think I'm a safe bet to go back to because I always accepted his behaviour and went back to him before. This is why he hasn't deleted my number.

Well you know what he can f*ck right off if he thinks he can have me back! How dare he do this to me after all I did for him?! I obviously gave so much love because that's how I felt and yet he thinks he can dump me by text and probably shag about then come running back?! No chance, despite how I feel I wouldn't let myself get treated like I'm worth nothing again. My counsellor is so angry for me, she wants me to reach the anger stage before I will then get to the acceptance stage.

I prob won't ever accept this fully but I need to get strong, real strong like he has never seen before. We have the same friends and I know it's prob going to be a few weeks and I will bump into him at our friends birthday night out. But if a woman can do anything, it's make herself look hot and amazing and letting him see that, letting him see us look happy and smiling with our friends!!!

If anyone has been in the same situation please post away! The more the better!! You guys really help, thank you x

[Travelchick84]

Hey guys

I posted on here about my break up a couple of weeks ago.

I'm currently day 11 of NC and feel stronger each day, not as sad but still sad I can't tell him stuff. I miss him also.

But I don't understand why he hasn't deleted or blocked my number. I mean he removed me from fb and said he was trying to distance himself (in last text to me before NC started) but I see that he has been on what's app at times where when we were together he wouldn't have been online at all he'd have been in bed! He hardly went on when we were together! I get so angry at the thought he could be chatting to another woman so soon! He has repeatedly told me he isn't talking to anyone or does it involve another woman. (That was after the break up when we still texted as he wanted to remain friends)

I just want him to bloody miss me and contact me and say he is sorry and just reach out to me when it's me who knows all his secrets and nobody else and his hospital stuff, he told me everything but didn't want anyone else to know and because he has pushed me away I'm left clueless!!

 

Any advice out there? I've no intention of texting him but don't want to delete his number yet incase he does get in touch. It's not been long enough yet but when I see he has been online and I'm still missing him just wanting something it's hurting like hell!!

 

Please advise. Thank you

[sbk24]

I understand that it will be hurting like hell and I have been in NC for quite a few days now, however, you really do have to stick at it and move on (believe me it is hard). Pondering on him does make things worse. I was going through the exact same stage as you, just wishing they would one day contact you. However, you cannot wait for this otherwise you will never move on and it will drag out the process.

 

Personally, I would delete his number and block him from social media etc. i did not want to at the start but it has helped a lot. I do think about my ex everyday but at least now I can actually do other things and move on with my life.

[Travelchick84]

Hi sbk24

Are you male? I just want to know why HE hasn't deleted my number. My gut tells me he will prob get in touch when I least expect it, days when I'm busy I'm fine but I'm left with unanswered questions and why he hasn't offered to send me my stuff left at his or asked me to get it - a constant reminder for him no doubt. It's bugging me. He wants the photos from our holiday and I decided best to post them but haven't yet. Will he contact me when he receives them? See all these little things just leave me wondering despite I'm getting on with my life etc. It just makes me feel that he will get in touch when things become real for him when he thinks I'm not going to get in touch and move on.

This is what I dread because I don't want to end up back at square one again!

The NC is doing me good tho I assure you as I feel more in control with each day that passes.

Thanks

[HereNorThere]

Wow, you are all over the place. You speak of how good NC is going and how talking to to him will set you back, but then you secretly pine for him to call you.

 

Until you make up your mind and block him, you'll continue to obsess. It's time to cut this cancer out of your life and move on. You can't do that if you're setting by the phone waiting for him. No excuses about it being too soon, pictures, your stuff, etc. Move on or suffer the consequences of being stuck in this toxic loop.

[TaraMaiden2]

One: Arrange for a friend to go fetch your stuff. Give her/him contact details and let her/him work out the best time/date with your ex.

 

Two: Post the damn photos, with no note, no message, nothing, and get it over with. He wanted them, let him have them. Quit messing....

 

Three: Change your 'phone number. And before you protest with "Oh I can't I need it for *this-that-and-the-other*!" Loads of people have changed their numbers, they lived to tell the tale, and suffered no lasting ill-effects. I have changed my number twice. The disruption didn't even register....

I merely texted everyone in my contact list before I changed the number, and told them. No hassle, everything went like a dream. After I changed it, I sent them a new text. Simple? Sorted....

It goes without saying, doesn't it, that you obviously don't let him in on the secret? Delete all his contact details BEFORE switching numbers, then get on with it....

 

Until you do these things, you are not, and won't be, getting on with your life.

You're living in Limbo-Land, hanging on for the merest hint of breadcrumbs with a desperation masked as 'don't care' confidence.

 

I'm afraid you don't really sound together, confident and getting on with your life, at all.

[Travelchick84]

Thank you for your comments!

I don't feel desperate I'm just wishing he would wake up and realise what he has lost and what he has done. But with my no contact that helps me as a person everyday.

As for the photos that's the exact thing I was gonna do! Chuck them in the post!! Haha.

My stuff I personally don't care about as it's stuff that can be replaced so he can leave it at his for all I care, for him it's a reminder as he isn't the type of person to ditch someone's stuff. I'm just surprised he hasn't asked me to get it.

If he wants to get in touch then he can ask a mutual friend of ours, I'm not prepared to face him again. Deleting his number is my next step. So thank you.

I'm doing well at work and that keeps me busy so it's onwards and upwards for me in that respect. Thanks for the advice and tips so far!

[Travelchick84]

Hey everyone

 

Just asking for a bit of guidance and a bit of a pick me up so to speak -

I'm day 20 into my no contact with my ex boyfriend after he ended it over text after 11 months and 3 days after our holiday.

Some days I feel strong and don't think about him and some times one little thing sets me off and I get so anxious and go over every little detail because it's the not knowing what he is doing etc, which I'm sure is probably normal but can't be helped. I miss him but I know that this no contact is best for me to move on, I just need a bit of a push to help me realise it wasn't my fault and that this is completely normal.

I'm working hard in my job and seeing friends and arranging nights out with them to keep busy as much as I can. I am not sat at home upset or crying but sometimes I end up remembering everything and get angry at all the broken promises he made for our future together.

As it ended very quickly and that was it, part of me is anxious he will get in touch when some time has passed and when I'm feeling better again and that's my fear which I guess stops me in my tracks sometimes from moving forward.

So any advice or guidance would be great people, thanks

[louxor]

keep at it. You're only 20 days in after nearly a year of being with him, give yourself more time to heal. As you said, there is already some days where you don't think of him - the more you go on, the more of these days there will be until you get to the point where you only think of him once in a blue moon.

 

But as of now, the place you are in is completely normal. You can't expect yourself to just forget about it right away, these things take time.

 

Good luck and stay at it!

[Draper]

As it ended very quickly and that was it, part of me is anxious he will get in touch when some time has passed and when I'm feeling better again and that's my fear which I guess stops me in my tracks sometimes from moving forward.

So any advice or guidance would be great people, thanks

 

Hi Travelchick,

 

First of all, great job on getting through the first 20 days. You're doing everything right and what you're feeling is completely normal.

 

What I've quoted above is also completely normal, and I'll tell you what - I find myself feeling the same way a lot of times about my ex girlfriend. I feel like I've said different variations of this quote to so many people now but it's so true - you just to keep going forward, telling yourself that IF he ever comes back, you will cross that bridge when it comes.

 

Truth be told, there is no point dwelling on it or hoping or even worrying that he will come back because you have no idea if or when it will happen. If it does, you deal with it when the time comes. For now, you go on with the assumption that you will never hear from him again. It's easier said than done, I know that, but at the end of the day you can't put your healing on hold indefinitely as you wonder if he'll ever show up, just as I can't sit around wondering if my girl will ever come back to me.

 

We keep moving forward because that's all we can do. Stay strong!

[metaversus]

Hey everyone

I'm day 20 into my no contact with my ex boyfriend after he ended it over text after 11 months and 3 days after our holiday.

 

Don't think of no contact in terms of a specific timeline. 30-60 days is only an approximate timeline suggested to indicate how long it may take to start feeling a bit better. Think of no contact as a lifestyle change, like dieting. There is no specific amount of days you will spend dieting. You will set goals for yourself within a certain time period and you will be using the time to change your lifestyle into a more healthy one.

 

I made the mistake of telling myself (and my ex) I was going into no contact mode for 30 days. After the 30 days I of course contacted my ex and caused myself more pain. I do not regret it as it was a cycle I needed to go through, but no contact works best if you view it as no contact without a specific time limit.

[Travelchick84]

Thank you for your replies.

I know you're all spot on and that it gets easier, but like for this morning, I had a horrible dream about him last night and now I'm up and about and I think this time last year was when I first met him and then I compare it to now and it's just nothing.

It makes me sad that we were once so good and inseparable and now I can't even ask him anything! It's so hard sometimes, I think has this all happened in a year?! I was so happy last October when we got together, and this October is going to be awful knowing that I was dumped just before our year anniversary together.

I feel like he should give a **** as much as I do about what happened to us - after all he was the coward who hid behind his phone and did this.

I just want him to feel alone and realise just what he has done!!!

[louxor]

Thank you for your replies.

I know you're all spot on and that it gets easier, but like for this morning, I had a horrible dream about him last night and now I'm up and about and I think this time last year was when I first met him and then I compare it to now and it's just nothing.

It makes me sad that we were once so good and inseparable and now I can't even ask him anything! It's so hard sometimes, I think has this all happened in a year?! I was so happy last October when we got together, and this October is going to be awful knowing that I was dumped just before our year anniversary together.

I feel like he should give a **** as much as I do about what happened to us - after all he was the coward who hid behind his phone and did this.

I just want him to feel alone and realise just what he has done!!!

 

It is very hard indeed to go from being inseparable to being cut off, to go from talking about anything to not talking at all.

BUT, think about the bad stuff as well, don't just focus on the good side of the relationship - It's hard to do but after we get dumped we tend to only remember the good things which makes it much harder - You yourself said he was a coward! Nobody wants to be dating a coward.

 

Im going through a similar thing so I made a list of my ex's bad traits so everytime i miss something good about her, i'm able to remember that our relationship wasnt all sunshine and rainbows like im remembering it.

 

After all, you did break up for a reason - something wasnt right with the relationship so it ended.

[Travelchick84]

Hi Travelchick,

 

First of all, great job on getting through the first 20 days. You're doing everything right and what you're feeling is completely normal.

 

What I've quoted above is also completely normal, and I'll tell you what - I find myself feeling the same way a lot of times about my ex girlfriend. I feel like I've said different variations of this quote to so many people now but it's so true - you just to keep going forward, telling yourself that IF he ever comes back, you will cross that bridge when it comes.

 

Truth be told, there is no point dwelling on it or hoping or even worrying that he will come back because you have no idea if or when it will happen. If it does, you deal with it when the time comes. For now, you go on with the assumption that you will never hear from him again. It's easier said than done, I know that, but at the end of the day you can't put your healing on hold indefinitely as you wonder if he'll ever show up, just as I can't sit around wondering if my girl will ever come back to me.

 

We keep moving forward because that's all we can do. Stay strong!

 

This is so true but when he ended it with me he said I want to be friends but we need to cross that bridge when we come to it and let the dust settle, everything was fine for a week until a week after dumping me he decided we couldn't be friends and removed me from fb. He hasn't blocked me tho.

I still have my stuff at his and I am not breaking NC first just to ask for a few items. I want him to take time to realise what he has done and if he gets in touch I pray I'm strong enough to either ignore him or say I don't have time to talk to him. I want him to feel as crap as I have done

[David87]

I dont know if it helps you in anyway OP but I have 730 days of NC under my belt:) At first it was very hard, but as time passed by I realised theres no one more important than me, my happiness doesn't depend on other people especially on my ex.

[Travelchick84]

@louxor

He ended it as he said he didn't love me - that's it. No arguments nothing!!

Yet 2 weeks before the holiday he was reassuring me we were fine and not to end it as I said I wanted to be friends as he wasn't given me attention or affection and I was fed up - that was it.

I dunno if he read my phone whilst on holiday, I had text my friends saying I was unhappy as he had changed and was withdrawn and how I wanted a break, after I sent those msgs he had changed like a stranger hardly talking to me!!! I wonder if he did...

Then how he was like I can't be with you but don't want to fall out with you and want to be friends and now nothing. I'm left with much confusion as we never talked about it properly. The only issues we had was his daughter mum giving him lots if stress which lead to him having a hospital appointment (which I have no idea how it went despite being the only person who knows) as he then finished with me.

I guess my major fear is him being with someone else so quickly if he is or sleeping with someone - I'm not doing that as need to move on as we had a very intense relationship filled with good times. I want him to respect what we shared, I guess that's why I'm struggling and it feels good to tell you guys and not keep it in!

I depend on you guys when things are tough so thank you!!!

[David87]

Funny thing is it helped me to move on when I found out my ex was on a date only 2 weeks after the BU.

[thunder777]

do yourself a favour and block him immediately on fb

 

never look at it again