Is this GIGS? What happened?

[SycamoreCircle]

I've been in NC for over a month now. Add to that the month that her stuff was still here and she was staying with friends. I'm utterly lost. I don't understand what happened. Some days the narrative seems clear and other days everything I believe seems entirely refutable. If anyone has experienced something like this, please weigh in...

 

I was 37 to her newly-turned 25 and we'd been together for nearly a year, the final six months of which she lived with me. Our relationship was as straight as an arrow. Then, around the end of February, I started to register little things---lack of cooperation, moodiness. I chalked it up to the stress she was under hustling for freelance artist work. One particular job she'd been working on consumed all of her time and required all of her concentration. She worked in our spare bedroom which was converted into her studio. A week or two leading up to our break up, she restlessly bolted from bed one morning and said something like, "I've got to get this project done, I can't just lay around all day like you!" OK.

 

One Saturday rolls around where we make plans to walk down to a local farmer's market. All along the way she's picking fights. Finally, I'm like "H., what is going on? Why have you been acting like this? Nothing I say engages you and you're constantly irritable! Are we breaking up?" Well, nothing came out easy. It's like I began to slowly pull out a dark and slimy cord. She says she's been unhappy for a long time but at first she thought it was seasonal depression, reaching as far back as 4 months! I became agitated and asked her, "well, what is going on...I mean, do you feel trapped?" She never gave any answer to that. Reasons begin to emerge beginning with "It's me, not you" to "maybe it's hormonal" to "you're settled, I want to give it a go(career)" to "I just don't think I love you as much as my art".

 

We calm down and I tell her "let's work through this together" and "what are some things I do that bother you?". She tells me some stuff and in a very troubling way begins to speak of us, our relationship, in the past tense! I tell her, going forward this week I want to make her life easier. She tells me a few minor things and seems in agreement to cooperate. The following week we go on some little dates and I am attentive to her pet peeve list. Nevertheless, I still feel this uneasiness and one evening coming home late and reaching for her in the night, telling her "I love you", she lets out a deep sigh. "We're in trouble, aren't we?" I ask. "Yes" she says.

 

I get very angry. "Why is this happening?" She affects this strange, modulated voice and just utters nonsense. I try to wrest some answer from her. But she falls asleep. What I found out later was that she was not asleep, that she spent most of the night awake mulling over this... but I'll get to that in a moment.

 

In the morning, while she was still asleep, I wrote a very angry e-mail to her. The e-mail addressed things like her inability/refusal to communicate; the fact that while she didn't know exactly what was the cause, she knew we had to break up; and the realization that she'd been sitting on this for some time and didn't say anything. I went to the gym.

 

When I returned, she walked up to me in a rage and said, "I'll move out the beginning of April, if you want..." I was livid. I went to my room and wrote another e-mail. "Everything is so moderate, so consistent with you, why am I the exception?" I wrote. And added, "Don't make me complicit in this break up because I love you and want to be with you." She had, in the course of our talk the previous day, said that I had "introduced the language of us breaking up".

 

Understand, I was always very loyal, affectionate, and caring. I provided food and cooked most of the meals and cut her a significant break on her share of the rent. I was always interested in her career, family and friends. All of her friends really liked me and said I was "such a nice guy".

 

To make a long story short, she tells me in person that my laid back lifestyle is negatively impacting her drive to make it as an artist, she is losing her identity, she doesn't need men for emotional support(she has friends for that) and she no longer is in love with me and is no longer romantically interested in me. She says apropos of nothing, "I don't hate you. There is no one else." This struck me as peculiar, since I never suggested either of those things.

 

She declares she's planning to move out in a few weeks and begins cat-sitting elsewhere, stopping in occasionally to do a little work and begin packing. Something feels off about her myriad of reasons and her seeming detachment from the whole break-up. I begin to snoop her e-mails and discover that weeks before breaking up with me, she's been harshly criticizing everything I do and say to her friends and family. She makes up lies and distortions. She says that I belittle everything she does chipping away at her confidence. "I feel completely trapped." People are shocked when they discover the "truth" about me. She disparages my sexual prowess, makes me out to be an unmotivated loser who gripes and groans and weighs her down with my negativity and inaction. Everything about me is wrong, gross, disgusting and false. "I think I could even hate him." My little campaign to win her back the previous week was unwanted. I'm a fake who charms her friends into believing I like them, when in reality, I can't stand any of them. She is plotting a break up.

 

On the advice of friends, and with this new knowledge, I back off. I let her do her thing for a week or two. She ignores me and continues working and packing while looking for a place. I was in such a bad place---I couldn't understand how someone living next to me, sleeping next to me, could harbor such ill feelings. And hide it!!! One fateful evening I do a little more snooping on her computer and find the one detail she has omitted from her list of reasons as to why I'm no longer the man for her and to which, you'll remember, she has deliberately lied---there is another man! Two weeks before our break up she is kissing him at her birthday party followed by arranging dates while I'm at work. One month before he has asked her out(the catalyst for all of this) to which she tweets "Yes, I'm married. There can be no other reason I'm turning you down."

 

Things become crystal clear now. I was literally ****ing trembling when I see the suggestive e-mails between her and this guy. She went over to his apartment to bake him a pie. There's a sexually taut economy to the wording. It was early Sunday morning that I read this. She was still cat-sitting(not a lie, I discovered). I draft an e-mail and send it to her, her lover, her friends(the one's privy to my character assassination) and her mother(who previously I reached out to begging for insight and who has bought in to her daughter's lies). In the e-mail, I declare my girlfriend a liar and address her affair, her badmouthing and smear campaign.

 

The girlfriend is furious and frightened of me. The mother, writes me to give her daughter extra time to move out.

 

I refuse. She gets out now or her **** is in the street.

 

And yet, throughout all this my gf becomes indignant at my anger. As if it's not warranted!

 

We had a few more exchanges via e-mail and in person. She said she could explain everything but that she was too angry. That I obviously didn't trust her. I never got any sort of explanation. The last thing she said to me was "I hope this doesn't scar you." and "I'm young."

 

Young, yeah right... Bear in mind, this new guy she's ****ing is a whopping 45 years old!!! He is more moneyed than myself and has a foot in the NYC art world. I also found out that she had the audacity to bring the guy over to my apartment to help her pack up a few things the day before moving out! Un-****ing-believable! No class!

 

Folks, I'm at a total loss. How is it that the woman I had a wonderful relationship with prior to all this turned out to be such a ****ing lying, malicious, emotionally dishonest piece of ****?

 

Where did the trust in our relationship go? Was it ever there? She did say to me in an e-mail, before I found out the truth, that she just was not cut out for this level of intimacy. Yet she also spoke in an e-mail to a confidant how there was an emotional lack between myself and her(leading her to seek it in another man). How can there be too intense intimacy and emotional lack at the same time?!!

 

Is this just a case of GIGS? She has said that this has been the most emotionally disastrous period of her entire life and, to her credit, I did witness her appetite fall off. She's told me that she hasn't been able to eat or sleep properly. (Yet she seemed perfectly capable of baking a pie and ****ing that guy!) Am I just being lied to?

 

Does anyone foresee this woman crawling back to me for forgiveness?

 

She claims she was depressed for 4 months prior to this upheaval and seems to attribute most of it to life with me. How could you live with someone so closely and not be aware of their depression? And please, someone tell me---why besmirch my name during the break-up?

 

She vaguely apologized at our final meeting..."I made some mistakes", her only admission. I told her that "I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed. I wish you happiness. Thank you for sharing some of your life with me." I went to hug her and kiss her cheek but it's like I was holding a piece of wood.

 

* * *

 

She maintains that this guy was not THE reason for our break up. That all the other reasons, lifestyle differences, no longer in love with me, etc. were prime forces. But, with those e-mails, I can literally trace the disintegration of our relationship in accordance to how much is happening with her and this guy.

 

Someone please tell me something that will put my heart and mind at peace...

[elseaacych]

I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a good relationship before, and somehow, somewhere in there she became unhappy and had no idea what to do because everything was "objectively fine". So she meets the guy. She becomes interested in him, and needs an emotional soft landing because she is emotionally immature and too chicken to leave unless she had another guy on the line.

 

At the same time it looks bad for her if she leaves her "perfect relationship" for the new guy. So she picks fights with you to make you break up with her. On the back end she smears you, so that if you don't break up with her she can pull the trigger and it looks as though she "had to leave" because it was so bad, so her friends will pity her and "understand". Ultimately, She drew out the break up because she didn't have a place to live yet. Unfortunately, you found out before she could actually get away with it. However, the end result was going to be the same regardless of whether you did find out. The logic of the breakup doesn't really make sense because she's trying to make too many things happen at once, and you found out before she could get away with the break up.

 

She sounds like a catty, manipulative, liar. I know you are hurting right now, and this is not what you want to hear but she probably will not come back. You've seen her true colors. She treated you like crap and kicked you to the curb. Is this the type of person you want a relationship with.

 

Go NC. Do not contact her, do not let her contact you. Don't sent any more nasty emails. Get some clarity. Take care of yourself, and know that her bad behavior is not your fault.

 

Sending you a hug.

Edited May 4, 2014 by elseaacych

[SycamoreCircle]

Everything you write seems perceptive enough.

 

In your opinion, when you say this woman showed her true colors, is it that she was all of these things all along and the honeymoon phase disguised them. Was I with a pretty rotten person? Or do immaturity and the fact that she wasn't getting what she wanted determine these things?

 

She did seem like a different person during all of this. So, which was the true person?

 

Utterly confused...

[elseaacych]

Answer: both. It sounds like you never really had any issues with her before, and she never had an opportunity to see how she addresses her "problems". If you step back and compare your perception of her in the relationship (but first you have to acknowledge that you were in love, and that distorts things) to how she acted towards the end, and how she dealt with everyday problems, you will see that her behavior is pretty consistent along her personality spectrum.

 

When you are dealing with interpersonal problems, you have a tendency to do stupid things. So yeah, it may be confusing. But the bottom line is, it does matter to an extent how she acted, but the bottom line remains the same regardless if she was a saint, or this she-devil you dealt with (She can be both.) You are broken up. What's done is done. The question now is how YOU will deal with it.

[SycamoreCircle]

Thank you. And lastly, by your estimation, the e-mails that she sent to me during this period where she explained her reasons for breaking up, which excluded meeting the other guy, but which included things such as:

 

-finding sex difficult

-feeling that my laid back lifestyle was a detriment to her dreams of "making it"

-finding me too "settled"

 

Is it fair for me to assume these are REAL reasons that were the cause of her initial unhappiness?

 

I just don't understand why if you're in a committed relationship with someone, you wouldn't want to try to address problems and work through them together.

[FredJones80]

Don't take this in an offensive way.

 

The first months/year are the "in love" stage where most things are blinded, its only once that has passed and the more real long term love kicks in, this is where things either make it or break, its why a lot of relationships fail after a few months/year point because the realisation of the people you are with kicks in and the initial passion dampens down.

 

Probably a good thing you found out sooner than later as hard as it may be.

[elseaacych]

Thank you. And lastly, by your estimation, the e-mails that she sent to me during this period where she explained her reasons for breaking up, which excluded meeting the other guy, but which included things such as:

 

-finding sex difficult

-feeling that my laid back lifestyle was a detriment to her dreams of "making it"

-finding me too "settled"

 

Is it fair for me to assume these are REAL reasons that were the cause of her initial unhappiness?

 

I just don't understand why if you're in a committed relationship with someone, you wouldn't want to try to address problems and work through them together.

 

 

I would say "would she lie to you?", but we both know the answer to that...

 

All three of those reasons may be real. Go ahead and assume yes. And there are likely many more unspoken reasons that you will have to come to terms with never knowing. There is a good deal of uncertainty surrounding all break ups, and you will never be all knowing or receive any sort of "closure" from her. It can only come from you. Have you read the NC guide yet? If you haven't , here is a link.http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

 

Do all of that. To a T. Do not question it. Do not cut corners with it. Only by completely detaching yourself and wanting to move on will you be able to get back to a level of contentment with life. We all are here to help you do it.

[Natsume21]

OP, there may have been problems in the relationships, but guess what? EVERY relationship has problems, even Hollywood ones, and both of them are super rich.

 

Ever notice when it comes to people, especially women, that the times where they start picking fights and distancing themselves is when someone else comes into the picture?

 

That is something we like to call "cheating" And that's what happened.

 

She cheated on you, but because she wanted your security, she stayed till she had somewhere to go. So essentially, you were giving her a place to stay while she was lying to you? She's a cheater, liar, AND a user. 3 strikes and she's definitely out

 

Please stop thinking and rationalizing yourself. This is G.I.G.S. Clear G.I.G.S. Walk away and never go back. She's not your friend so don't even entertain just being friends.

[SycamoreCircle]

I couldn't entertain being friends if I wanted---she will have nothing to do with me and by all accounts hates me.

 

I swear this is the hardest thing I've ever had had to cope with in my life. I've always understood that the energy you put out is the energy you will receive. Just a few nights before all this happened a guy at work said to me,

"C., man I love when you work, cuz every time you walk through that door I know it's going to be an easy night and I'll be laughing". I was so happy before this happened. I would get home at night and H., my girlfriend, would always greet me with a musical "hi". This is the first time in my life I ever lived with someone. I loved her so much. One final night before she moved out for good, after we'd broken up, but before I found out about the other guy, I came to her in the night(she was sleeping on an air mattress I procured for her) and I said, "H., please lay down with me one last time." "Alright" she said. I held her in my arms and caressed her head and kissed her hair. We heard a cat yowl in the alley way and both laughed(an inside joke). I tilted her face up to kiss her lips and she nipped a dry kiss---her face was like wood. "I better go, this just confuses things." I didn't fully understand at the time.

 

How is it she could write such vitriol about me? I'll never understand. Now, I look at couples who come into the restaurant where I work and they appear to me as ticking time bombs. How long will they last? What is the depth of their allegiance to each other? It all seems so illusory and built on sand.

[Natsume21]

I couldn't entertain being friends if I wanted---she will have nothing to do with me and by all accounts hates me.

 

I swear this is the hardest thing I've ever had had to cope with in my life. I've always understood that the energy you put out is the energy you will receive. Just a few nights before all this happened a guy at work said to me,

"C., man I love when you work, cuz every time you walk through that door I know it's going to be an easy night and I'll be laughing". I was so happy before this happened. I would get home at night and H., my girlfriend, would always greet me with a musical "hi". This is the first time in my life I ever lived with someone. I loved her so much. One final night before she moved out for good, after we'd broken up, but before I found out about the other guy, I came to her in the night(she was sleeping on an air mattress I procured for her) and I said, "H., please lay down with me one last time." "Alright" she said. I held her in my arms and caressed her head and kissed her hair. We heard a cat yowl in the alley way and both laughed(an inside joke). I tilted her face up to kiss her lips and she nipped a dry kiss---her face was like wood. "I better go, this just confuses things." I didn't fully understand at the time.

 

How is it she could write such vitriol about me? I'll never understand. Now, I look at couples who come into the restaurant where I work and they appear to me as ticking time bombs. How long will they last? What is the depth of their allegiance to each other? It all seems so illusory and built on sand.

 

 

This is part of growing up.

 

1st things 1st, I see that relationships are no longer forever, but wholly determinant by the morals codes and efforts put on by BOTH parties, not just one.

They aren't ticking time-bombs. Think of it this way.

 

When a person cheats, they rob that relationships of its much needed nourishment. Most of the time, when a woman cheats, it's very emotional so she purposely robs your relationship of its much needed love and support, while at the same time giving it to someone. She clearly sees a guy as more appealing(cause he's new) and dreams of kissing him, while you're sitting there thinking it's all right. You lean in to kiss her and she pulls away saying it's confusing. Nothing is confusing. She values this dude more and sees him as more attractive. Is it because you gave positive energy? No, it's not really your fault.

 

 

However, if you do want something to blame, blame her age.

 

Young girl plus attention from all sides=ticking time bomb of feelings. When young people are presented with a million dollars and a car after having been without it for so long, they're gonna take it and take it fast.(bad example but you get the point) Same with someone who has been in a relationship for so long.

 

Of course, you can try the PUA way of things, and while, personally, that gives more results, you usually have to be a certain person of a certain socioeconomic standing to pull it off. The women you usually get aren't very loyal either.

 

The "get what you put out" philosophy only works in feasible goals. Relationships are essentially a living thing, and like our children, they have a tendency to rebel against our wishes. It's a part of human nature.

 

Don't blame yourself. Here's a tip. In the future, if you sense a woman is distancing herself, go complete NC. Don't take too harshly. A woman's emotions changes like the seasons, and for young girls who aren't well aware of it, they tend to completely act on it and thus burn bridges along the way.

 

Just take into account things you want to fix about yourself and go improve on that, and accept that at such a young age, relationships with these girls aren't going to last forever.

 

Till then, you're gonna be sad for a while. Do not contact her. Your co-workers will understand. Every man has gone through this at one point or another. Give it a few weeks, if you stick to your guns, and you'll be back to your positive self in no time!

 

Enjoy your youth, build up some cash, and then start looking to settle down.

 

HAVE FUN, and enjoy young life before you're older with health problems.

 

You seem like a great guy.

 

Btw, not every woman is going to like you, no matter how rich or handsome you are. We all like what we like, so don't try so hard to attract women. Just be happy with who you are and the ones that are attracted to that will come.

 

--Natsume21.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Natsume21

[Natsume21]

In case I missed it bro. She's guilty. Full stop.

 

It's a cheater's M.O. to paint the dumpee as the bad guy so they have a reason to leave and not feel immense guilt.

 

It may fool everyone else, but it eats them up inside, especially when the high feeling of a new relationship wears off.

[SycamoreCircle]

Yes, I've read that when women cheat it has to do with seeking emotional fulfillment. But that makes me imagine a boyfriend who would prefer to watch football than talk to his girlfriend. And I was always just the opposite. I tried so many times to engage her feelings. During our break up she responded to one of my accusations, "C., I told you from day one that I'm terrible at communicating my feelings." As if that would allow for all of her behavior.

 

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I'm recalling instances leading up to the break up(but still in the time frame of when she'd been asked out by that guy) where she elected to talk to me but at the most inopportune times. For example, we'd curl up to watch a movie and 15 minutes into it she starts to rattle off something that's been weighing on her. Well, of course, I shushed her. Then she's free to begin this dialogue in her head of "he's not interested in my feelings, or in me = I need to spread my legs for this absolute stranger with a good job."

 

Honestly, she perpetrated so many acts of sabotage leading up to our break up. How can someone who was so emotionally intelligent be so destructive at the same time?

 

When the **** hit the fan, I contacted her mother with a respectful but concerned e-mail. In retrospect, I believe I recognized that I was dealing with someone too immature and emotionally dishonest to start a dialogue with for answers. Her mother could fill in the gaps. By the end of it, her mother(whose job was on the brink of dissolution, incidentally) coughed up 6K for her daughter to move out and resettle. Through me, the mother was made aware of this new guy and her daughter's lies. I wonder now, if the mother realizes she just funded her capricious and foolish daughter's affair. Unbelievable. I challenge any pulp fiction writer to come up with a twisting storyline more scandalous than this!

[Tressugar]

Can someone please explain to me what is a GIGS?

[somecamel]

I don't think it matters what she said you done wrong in the relationship, she has committed the cardinal sin here not you.

 

You will keep on trying to rationalise it as it's still early days for you, please believe me when I say that you will drive yourself mad trying to work out where it all went wrong.

 

I'm not a big believer in 'Giggs', in fact I don't believe relationships are meant to last anymore and the people we meet are just part of our journey through our life.

 

Please be very careful now with how you proceed with this, I see you have access to her emails and I would assume other Social media, if you do check out what she's up to, all this will give you in pain, you will have no benefit at all.

 

I caught my ex out cheating via Emails, facebook etc, I also went mad with my emails to her. (it's much easier to write how we feel that say it in a rage of emotions)

 

I spied and became obsessed, she's a young girl and there is a bit of an age gap between you, my advice is to heal yourself first then maybe try and find someone a bit older.

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting so bad but we have all been through it here, any time you need to vent please come here and do it, but do not contact her anymore.

 

Peace

[SycamoreCircle]

So, that people will stop admonishing me:

 

-I have been NC for over a month and plan to continue.

(The only way I will ever relent and begin a dialogue with her is if she a) contacts me first and b) makes an emphatic apology for her behavior.)

 

-I no longer have access to her computer or e-mails. She has moved out.

 

I have gone over the details of this break up with many close friends, co-workers and family members. They have been very supportive but have nothing more to say. I have started to see a therapist and I am posting to this thread. As many of you know, this is like a poison that runs through your body day and night. It helps me to write about it and to hear other people's opinions. I am not ready to date. I want to heal and continue to be the hopeful, emotionally open and honest person that I was before this happened.

 

I appreciate everyone's input, though.

[elseaacych]

We're going to keep telling you the same things over and over, because the same basic facts haven't changed, no matter how many details you embellish your story with. We know that it helps that it helps to write things out. I have pages and pages of rumination of my own breakup story, and even though I wrote the same thing over and over again it helped because I had people telling me the same answer over and over again. Somehow, it's slowly working. Hopefully we're doing the same thing for you as you tell your story. Somewhere in between all the details you will find some clarity.

 

That clarity will not come from understanding why she did what she did, but rather that you did everything you could to make her happy and now you are doing everything you can to cope with your situation and move on to a better life. That realization is slow going, but eventually you will reach a point of peaceful acceptance.

[lolablue17]

I just don't understand why if you're in a committed relationship with someone, you wouldn't want to try to address problems and work through them together.

 

You're so lost and so hurt and wounded, that's why you are looking fo a cure, a reason, an explanation, a solid ground. But you dont find it, so you waste your focus on irrelevant issues, trying to calculate "if she did that and i did this...".

 

It's irrelevant if she met the guy on this day or the other. it doesn't matter if she uses this guy as a tool to leave you, or an other reason. Sorry man, but she is no criminal and there was no crime done here.

 

Listen to the only thing that matters - She doesn't want you anymore!

Maybe she could dump you in a better and more considerate way. But the pain you feel is because of the break up itself, not because she blurred things.

 

I know i say hard thing here but the sooner you listen and understand, the sooner you starts your healing process.

[SycamoreCircle]

Doubly hard is the knowledge that I will not be in a relationship for a very long time. I'm an attractive man, but I know myself and I know that I only bother to get involved with women I feel a strong chemistry towards. I'm not interested in, nor have I ever been very adept at playing the field, either. It's the emotional bond that appeals to me.

 

I guess this experience has intensified my compassion towards other couples. Sometimes, after having experienced such depth of pain, when I see an attractive woman with a man I think, "if there was something I could do to intensify their attraction and commitment to each other, I would". I know that sounds silly, but the sort of emotional waywardness LOSS produces in you is a marvel.

 

In our final e-mails back and forth, H. threw me a few bones that leave such an unsettling proposition in my heart. Things like:

 

"I was hopeful that Spring would arrive and lift this damn veil of depression that has been over me and I would love you again but now I realize no shift in weather can make me feel the way I felt for you."

 

She wrote me that before I found out about the other guy. Then after I found out about the other guy, she wrote:

 

"I actually really loved you, C., but now it's going to be a long time before I can remember that version of you."

 

This was in response to my anger and the e-mail I sent, exposing everything, to her mother, lover and friends.

 

That version of me? Yeah, the version that trusted you, that would have never thought any of this filth and deception and hatred and sickness and sadness possible.

 

Honestly, I don't know how she can find any joy in life. And that new relationship she has---borne out of deception---kept secret from everyone. What sort of bile seeps from its corners?

 

One side note: during my snooping of her e-mails I discovered that she'd been stalking that guy on social media, concurrent to her liason with him. She also was listening to his musical preferences, and listening to it as mood music during our break-up! It's as if she was deliberately trying to condition a compatibility to him.

 

When I was 20, I briefly dated a woman, 23, who was in the grip of the same sickness I suffer from now. Her loved one, who I bore an uncanny resemblance to I later found out, had left her for her close friend! Our brief relationship was rife with the effluvia of that soured romance. It left me heartbroken and confused. I will never inflict this on anyone else. I will make it die within me.

[elseaacych]

 

In our final e-mails back and forth, H. threw me a few bones that leave such an unsettling proposition in my heart. Things like:

 

"I was hopeful that Spring would arrive and lift this damn veil of depression that has been over me and I would love you again but now I realize no shift in weather can make me feel the way I felt for you."

 

Translation: It's not you, it's me. But really, it's you. I am making my depression an excuse. I don't feel the same way about you anymore, and not even an act of God can change my feelings.

 

"I actually really loved you, C., but now it's going to be a long time before I can remember that version of you."

 

Translation: I know I am in the wrong here. I am not sorry. But you did have some good qualities that made you dateable. By telling you it will be a long time before I see that, I am shutting the door on you now and forever. I know exactly what I am doing. I am done. I'm still not sorry.

 

By the way. Chin up, there are plenty of people out there who want a nice introspective guy. Take the time to enjoy the single life, how you want to, and make yourself into the person you always wanted to be. Sometime, you will find someone who wants you for who you are and who you want to be.

[SycamoreCircle]

Translation: It's not you, it's me. But really, it's you. I am making my depression an excuse. I don't feel the same way about you anymore, and not even an act of God can change my feelings.

 

Translation: I know I am in the wrong here. I am not sorry. But you did have some good qualities that made you dateable. By telling you it will be a long time before I see that, I am shutting the door on you now and forever. I know exactly what I am doing. I am done. I'm still not sorry.

 

I understand and appreciate your method; it is intended for healing and moving on. But let's be honest, you can't apply absolutes to this sort of stuff, can you? I mean, is it only the circumstances of my story that thoroughly convince you of its irreparable nature? I believe you would apply this steadfast abjuring of longing and attachment to any break up, no?

[Natsume21]

I understand and appreciate your method; it is intended for healing and moving on. But let's be honest, you can't apply absolutes to this sort of stuff, can you? I mean, is it only the circumstances of my story that thoroughly convince you of its irreparable nature? I believe you would apply this steadfast abjuring of longing and attachment to any break up, no?

 

 

 

Nothing we say is going to convince you that it's over. Why? Cause you don't want it to be over. None of us wanted our first loves or our exes to be over. Many of us loved them with all of our hearts. When someone leaves like that, it hurts. It hurts a lot, and we do everything in our power to try to convince ourselves that it isn't over. She may come back, she may not, but why wait for her? For now, accept that she's dead. She might as well be, she's no longer in your life. You may feel like you can't fall in love or find a great girl, but you shouldn't be concerned with that. Mourn and move on.

You'll rationalize all you like, but that's because your ego can't accept rejection. But it isn't a shortcoming of yours, just that, as Nelly Furtado said

 

5-10 years from now, you'll be in a new place in your life, wondering why you even wasted time on this person.

[SycamoreCircle]

Sorry man, but she is no criminal and there was no crime done here.

 

Well, there's the saying "All's fair in love and war". And the whole point of this community board, I would argue, is that people come here to gain insight into matters that cannot be easily delineated, because they are of the heart. So, you're right, in a sense. But I disagree. If the situation were reversed, if a man were emotionally checked out of a relationship with a woman but was too cowardly or too comfortable to break up and began seeing another woman on the side and lying about it to his partner---I think people would find it, at the least, condemnable.

 

I can appreciate this blunt SIMPLE AS ABC approach to interpersonal relationships only up to a point. I believe we are more complicated than that.

[Natsume21]

Well, there's the saying "All's fair in love and war". And the whole point of this community board, I would argue, is that people come here to gain insight into matters that cannot be easily delineated, because they are of the heart. So, you're right, in a sense. But I disagree. If the situation were reversed, if a man were emotionally checked out of a relationship with a woman but was too cowardly or too comfortable to break up and began seeing another woman on the side and lying about it to his partner---I think people would find it, at the least, condemnable.

 

I can appreciate this blunt SIMPLE AS ABC approach to interpersonal relationships only up to a point. I believe we are more complicated than that.

 

What's complicated is when emotions get in the way of logic.

 

What's even worse is when we try to use logic to fight against our emotions. It's impossible. You're not going to stop feeling the way you do till time passes.

 

"All's Fair in Love and War." Use that, cause when one attacks, you can counterattack. Thus, when a girl shafts you with lies and excuses, the best way to get back at her: live a happy, fulfilling life.

 

Cheaters like that are unhappy with themselves and seek an addictive thrill, as we all do, but theirs's crosses moral codes. Thus, drop them and accept that no matter how good you felt, people can, and do change. She's like a cousin or a friend that died. Treat it as such, mourn, and please, for your sanity and health, MOVE on.

[SycamoreCircle]

Nothing we say is going to convince you that it's over. Why? Cause you don't want it to be over.

 

 

I think we both know our roles. I am supposed to thrash around with this crocodile sized sickness until I'm chewed up and weak in the limbs. And you are supposed to keep offering your hand and a foothold out of the muddy mire.

 

And I thank you.

Edited May 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Natsume21]

I think we both know our roles. I am supposed to thrash around with this crocodile sized sickness until I'm chewed up and weak in the limbs. And you are supposed to keep offering your hand and a foothold out of the muddy mire.

 

And I thank you.

 

This is what real friends do.

Exes tend to blur that line between real friendship and the fake.

Edited May 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator