Moving On Or Staying/Acceptance?-NC

[Compromize]

Hi all, long time lurker and finally posting. This site has given me clarity many times in the past. Anyway, this is going to be a fairly long read, and I know I am going to get chastised and I need that and deserve it:

 

4 years ago, I was in a miserable marriage (grown apart years ago, no intimacy, etc.). I put up with this for a very long time (together for 14 years) because I have 2 wonderful boys and did not want to ruin the family.

 

Then I met this amazing woman that I worked with. She was married as well and we both commiserated about our bad marriages and sparks started flying between us. Never felt anything like it before in my life. It was like being a teenager. I find our that her husband had cheated on her and she had cheated out of revenge. Warning sign #1 I know. The inevitable happened and we kissed, out of this world kiss, and eventually we were having an affair. She claimed the other guy was out of the picture and I believed her.

 

My then wife knew something was going on. I told her that I was not in love with her anymore and did not want to continue being in this marriage. Should have done this the right way I know. She found out about the other woman and found her number in my phone and called her husband. Crazy stuff ensued. The other woman and I broke things off, we both went back to our marriages and tried to make it work. Also still worked together.

 

We we not able to stay away from each other. I honestly felt and still do feel a connection and attraction to this woman that I have never felt and don't think I will ever find again. I decided that I need to fully end my marriage and filled for divorce, ex moved out and the OW separated from her husband.

 

I know relationships stemming from affairs have a VERY low chance of ever working, the trust issues are extreme and we were no exception. We both had trust issues with each other and she had some serious insecurity issues as did I. We made it work though. Kept our children out of it for years and had some of the most wonderful times together that I have ever had, I loved this woman with everything I had and the passion and chemistry we had was over the top amazing and once in a lifetime.

 

We slowly started introducing our kids to each other and doing things together and it was great, the kids got along and we all had a great time together. Her son had some issues with it all but he was making progress. Need to mention that this whole time she has been separated from her husband but not officially divorced because they had yet to "finalize the paperwork", she said that it was just a piece of paper and that money was really the only thing holding the process back and that she loved me and showed me that everyday, wasn't that enough? It was and it wasn't to me. I wanted her divorced to show me that she was serious about a future with me, that to me it was a sign of her wanting that future.

 

We lived about 30 miles apart and saw each other a couple times a week, some overnight stays (on nights without our kids) and some just a couple of hours together before we or she had to get kids later in the evening. Despite not sleeping in the same bed, our sex life and passion was incredible. We talked everyday at break, during lunch, and at night after we got the kids to bed.

 

In November of 2011, I started pushing the divorce again and said that I wanted more time together. It caused lots of arguments. I started getting clingly and needy and wanted more and more from her. It all came to a head on Christmas eve of 2011. She spent it with me and my family as her kids were with her (ex?)husband. She was clearly missing her kids and I tried to make her feel better and I only made it worse and we got into an argument and she left right before midnight. I was crushed.

 

She made it clear that we were through, she needed her space and time to heal and get her priorities straight and if I wanted to wait, than maybe we could work things out. I breadcrumbed through January and in February I talked her into seeing me and we went on a "date" and ended up sleeping together. I thought that maybe she was letting me back in. That wasn't the case.

 

Flash forward to Valentine's Day of 2012, I made it a point to come see her and bring her flowers and chocolates and stuff, she sent me a plant to my work. She was very distant and then basically told me "Sorry I'm busy and have to go". This messed me up and I told myself, no more and broke up with her. She went away without hardly anything of a fight, a couple text messages is all. I told myself that we were through and proceed to go on a few dates, but was still so in love and heartbroken over my ex-GF that I blew the poor girls off after a couple dates.

 

I made it my goal and resolution that I would have this woman back in my life. I did everything I could think of, poured out my heart and soul, called, e-mailed, texted. I eventually talked her into seeing me after about a month of this. We met for a while and we both still loved each other and we decided to continue talking. She made it known that she had seen me with another girl and told me that she had went on a date with her husband because he knew she was single? (ha) and she said yes because of her kids but they had nothing together any longer and I believed her.

 

After a month of this she came to my house one night and we made incredible, passionate love and re-united. That summer and fall were the best times of my life, we talked about marriage, started looking for a place together when her lease ran out and spent lots of time together with just us and with our kids too.

 

Then in December something happened with my kids that changed the living situation for them with their mom and caused tension with my GF because of it. I told her that if she had any doubts that she should just go. She went. I was heartbroken again but with an air of disbelief because in what I my kids were going through she chose not to stand by me directly so I was angry and shoved the hurt aside but missed her like crazy.

 

She sent me tons of messages about how much she needed me, missed me, loved me. We decided to see each other in person to exchange stuff and give keys back and say goodbye face to face. It was heart-wrenching and we ended up making love to each other. We still couldn't stay away from each other and saw each other again. It was during this time that she told me that she wouldn't consider living together with our kids. That she wanted us to continue to see each other when we could without our kids and with our kids but not ever live together with our children. She had concerns and did not want to push our kids together. She told me lets take this day by day and I agreed.

 

We saw each other for another month and a half or so and I begin to want more time. She was constantly working and we only had a few hours together a week. She also went to a friends house 2 nights a month on one of the only days that we had together and I was not allowed to go as it was "her time". Huge issue for me and she drank so much over there one time she blacked out. I voiced my concern about this and asked to spend this time with her and was shot down. I need to put out there that I don't believe that she was cheating on me or anything over there, very old friends and I have met them and firmly believe that there was nothing shady going on. I just wanted to see her more and in trying to get time together and asking about it I made her angry and she lashed at me and said it was easier when we were not together, meaning that the breakup a year ago made it easier because she didn't have this needy guy wanting more than a couple hours a week together.

 

She is admittedly working an insane amount of hours and I didn't make this any easier on her. A week ago we talked about the "future" again it lead to an argument, she said that we would NEVER live together with our kids. I couldn't accept this and told her that I was not will to compromise on waiting 10 years down the road to possibly live together. I don't want to sleep alone 90% of the time for the next 10 years. We both shut down emotionally and the 1 night that we had the chance to see each other she told me that she just wanted to work and go home and sleep and while I might not understand I needed to accept it. I was not happy with that.

 

I don't know what to do. She told me that she needs to let me go and let me find someone that can give me what I want, someone who is willing to give me everyday. I wanted to marry this woman and I know she wanted to marry me, wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Big problem with this is she is still married. After a week of NC she called me and I answered and we talked and it started to turn bad, both of us unwilling to budge on having a future living together that involves our kids. She said she was willing to give me the time that she gives her friends so we can have more time together but she told me this before and it never happened. The phone call ended with her saying it needs to be her choice to let me go and find the happiness that I deserve that she cannot provide. It ended with her telling me goodbye and hanging up. I called back 3 time but she did not pick up. Sent her some texts and basically said I still want her in my life, that seeing her sometimes was infinitely better than not seeing her at all. She told me it was a mistake to contact me.

 

That's were it's at right now. Me folding and saying that I will do what it takes, accept the fact that we have not future living together until our kids are gone (which means not getting married) and a few precious days a month of actual time together if it means seeing her and having her in my life. I honestly feel that no other woman can give me the love and passion and make me feel like she does but my logical side says "she is still married to someone else, she doesn't want to live together, she doesn't seem to care about you as much as you care about her".

 

She tells me that if I really love her I will accept the way things have to be and love each other when we can until our kids are old enough to not be affected by integrating them in our relationship. Her fear is she has a young daughter and I have 2 boys and she is afraid that something may happen between them in the form of abuse. It breaks my heart to hear that as my boys are very sweet and loving boys and I would hope that something like that would never happen. She know that there is a very small chance of anything like that happening but she has a fear of it (issues in her past) and is not willing to take that risk.

 

I cannot let her go. She is at this point not responding to my texts or phone calls. I have been the chaser in this relationship, she has broken up with me quite a few times and I have always chased her and got her back. I have this insane hope that says "do it again! Get her back!". Ugh I love her to death and worse I desire and want her and in my eyes no other woman can compare to her. I don't know how to do this, how to just go true NC and get past this as all I want is her, in whatever form I can have her.

 

Blast me, chastise me tell me what a fool I have been/am being. I need to hear it all and do what is right for me and for my boys, who loved her and miss her. She was very fun to be around and very good to them. I want them to see a positive relationship, see me happy as they did just a few months ago. Please help me along this path. Should I try to wait and see if she comes around? Is it best to just go true NC and move on? I am weak when it comes to her. I have never not answered her call or responded to her text but it comes much easier for her not to answer or respond to me.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this novel, I appreciate it. I don't have the support group in "real life" that I can share this with and I know you all will give me the advice that I need to hear no matter how hard it may be to accept.

Edited March 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Compromize]

I guess just reading it makes me feel like I have been a fool for a long time. Anyone else think there is any reason to try anymore?

[1cookiejar]

I've probably have not even come close to how you are feeling at the moment, given the time and experiences you've had in the relationship. I just got out of a relationship myself awhile ago, and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces, one at a time.

 

It seems she's really confused in between letting you into her life, and caring for her child. That, compounded with insecurity issues and work probably led to her acting this way. She remaining in her marriage kinda shows her position too, not trying to put her down in any way but is she "keeping the door open with one foot just in case"?

 

I honestly feel that no other woman can give me the love and passion and make me feel like she does

I've had this feeling every damn time I break up with someone I really loved and cared for. Sooner or later, there will be another person who will be able to give just as much, if not even more. Don't give up hope!

 

You have always been the chaser in the relationship, and each time you just end up feeling like crap after a moment of bliss. Try slowing down and see what's her move?

 

Sometimes we will fold and crack when the situation seems so damned illogical, "Why is she doing this?""If I make this move, surely she will make this one", these thoughts run through my mind all the time. But I guess that relationships are never all about logic, emotions play a huge part too

 

I think you should give it some time and go NC for the time being. Just my thoughts on this matter, hope it helps! And keep your chin up mate!

[Compromize]

Thanks for the words of advice and encourgement 1cookiejar, I appreciate it. I am going to go full NC for the time being, I feel foolish for sending all of the texts I sent after she said goodbye. I was undignified in basically begging for her to come back and accepting what little she had to offer of any real time together just because I want to see her.

 

I am and have always been a loner, even when I was married and I let her all the way in and really enjoyed spending the time with her and talking to her. I guess that is the hardest part. Losing my best friend (or at least I thought she was). Last time we broke up I tried to date other girls to take the pain away and it didn't work and I ended up hurting a couple of wonderful woman. Not going to do that this time, rebounds are not worth it.

 

I am going to continue to focus on my children and myself. I work out religiously as it is but I will go the extra mile for the summer and a new woman that will appeciate me all of the time.

I feel like I was just a man toy for her in a many ways. I want and deserve more than just sex and every once in while full days together.

 

I am not making any moves towards her. I love her to death, still in love with her but I can't stand the pain of hope and looking at my stupid phone willing it to ring or for her to text me. Hope is the real killer and I am visualzing my hope as a object slipping from the surface of the water to dissapear into the depths.

 

Day 2 of NC. Many more to come.

[Compromize]

I know this post was entirely too long for most to read and respond to but it was like wanting and needing to throw up, just had to get it out of my system. And a great alternative to contracting her yet again. Day 3 of true NC. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my life and I think this is a penance for leaving my marriage years ago. I took away my than wife's future and family and now it's my turn to feel that pain.

 

I will be a better man. I have made so many terrible mistakes and I deserve whatever comes my way for that. I need to feel the pain that I have caused and deserve.

 

If you have read this tediously long post, thank you. This site and all who are on it aregiving me the strength to move forward while moving on and its great to post here instead of trying to contact her in futility.

 

Thank you all!!

Edited March 5, 2013 by Compromize

[Fire guy]

Don't beat yourself up. Most people do crazy things during break ups, it's sounds like you need to distance yourself from this lady and get your head together. It seems she's not going to change her mind about your living situation so it's time to move on. Don't worry about running out and finding somone else now. Focus on being the best you can be and the rest will follow.

[1cookiejar]

Last time we broke up I tried to date other girls to take the pain away and it didn't work and I ended up hurting a couple of wonderful woman. Not going to do that this time, rebounds are not worth it.

 

I did the exact same thing. Just rushed myself into finding someone else who is just like my ex, realised that she isn't, became a douche and left. Like you said, its just not worth it.

 

I got really desperate myself too, when I found out that she was seeing someone else. Basically just ended up begging for another chance, we've all been there, when you want that one last shot. It's not our call at the end of the day I guess. Now that I look back, I wouldn't have wanted to force her against her will, what good will happen in the end?

 

Its good that you are focusing your attention elsewhere, I'm on NC day 10 and slowly returning to playing casual football games every weekend, and just hanging out with old friends. Life goes on

 

I will be a better man. I have made so many terrible mistakes and I deserve whatever comes my way for that. I need to feel the pain that I have caused and deserve.

 

In a way, you did and you didn't make the mistakes. You did what you thought was right and there is a reason for that, you just didn't expect it to turn out like this. Don't beat yourself up too much over it!

 

As the song goes, "If you really love her then you've got to set her free. If she returns in kind, I'll know she's mine". Like Fire Guy said, just be the best you can be and the rest will follow. Hang in there!

[Compromize]

Thanks Fire guy. It's literally the most painful and intensly difficult thing that I have ever had to do staying away from her and staying NC. I really thought I had found in her everything that I had been looking for in a woman and she was my everything. Man was I delusional. She played me for a fool I feel. We have broken up and gotten back together 7 - 8 times, every time but one has been her and the one that technically was me saying I wouldn't compromise on not living together that I wanted to work it out and have a real life together in actual close proximity rather than a relationship through a phone was still her saying goodbye. The sad thing is I would probably take her back and accept the very little time together just to see her and be with her again. I'm a sad case.

 

Still staying NC though. Too many thoughts in my heaad, seeing her with someone else, all that stupid crap that I'm sure we all see and think. Shutting it down though for the most part and I have to say it's a big help being on here with all you fine people and seeing the stories and getting encourgement to see the bigger picture and not let us get walked on in realationships. Well another day almost down in NC and hanging out with my kids enjoying this time. I'm so lucky to have them. She doesn't know what she is missing by passing on my boys and I. We deserve better!

[NoLeafClover]

Thanks Fire guy. It's literally the most painful and intensly difficult thing that I have ever had to do staying away from her and staying NC. I really thought I had found in her everything that I had been looking for in a woman and she was my everything. Man was I delusional. She played me for a fool I feel. We have broken up and gotten back together 7 - 8 times, every time but one has been her and the one that technically was me saying I wouldn't compromise on not living together that I wanted to work it out and have a real life together in actual close proximity rather than a relationship through a phone was still her saying goodbye. The sad thing is I would probably take her back and accept the very little time together just to see her and be with her again. I'm a sad case.

 

Still staying NC though. Too many thoughts in my heaad, seeing her with someone else, all that stupid crap that I'm sure we all see and think. Shutting it down though for the most part and I have to say it's a big help being on here with all you fine people and seeing the stories and getting encourgement to see the bigger picture and not let us get walked on in realationships. Well another day almost down in NC and hanging out with my kids enjoying this time. I'm so lucky to have them. She doesn't know what she is missing by passing on my boys and I. We deserve better!

 

You need to stay NC. I have been NC for over 3 months now and I the only thing that keeps crossing my mind is WTF was I thinking falling for her (my ex)

 

Do not blame yourself, its the first mistake dumpees do. You can't help how she is and acts and I honestly see a pattern here that defines her personality which you can't change.

 

Frankly I think you can do a lot better and please for, Do not put this woman before you kids. She has not put her kids before you therefore you shouldn't even.

[Compromize]

Had a good night last night for the most part but today is difficult. Damn it I have been here in this exact same place 1 year ago to the day when she left last time. I am missing her like crazy today and it sucks to miss someone that might or might not be missing you. Trying to keep telling myself that who we are just didn't work together and that our goals had changed and we could never reach them together. Part of me feels like she feels like she doged a bullet; she is so damn independant that she doesn't want to have to feel like she needs to "check in" with me or that kind of thing. Listing out in my head all of the things I did not like:

 

smoker, insecure, quick to anger, STILLMARRIED, years of waiting for nothing, didn't want to include me in her time with her friends, leaves at the drop of a hat, huge trust issues, always on her damn phone when we were together, gets stressed out easily and takes it out on me, no chance of a real future, always feeling the need to tell me when she received compliments or was hit on by other men, gut feeling like she was hiding something from me.

 

There is more but I will stop ranting for now. This is theraputic in it's own way to get this stuff out. Why do I still miss her and miss her touch and her kiss that she will most certainly soon be giving someone else anyway? Anyone ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Wish I could do that with her. Not really because then the good would be gone too Ijust miss her like crazy. She was the one I thought. My baby. RIP memories.

[NoLeafClover]

Had a good night last night for the most part but today is difficult. Damn it I have been here in this exact same place 1 year ago to the day when she left last time. I am missing her like crazy today and it sucks to miss someone that might or might not be missing you. Trying to keep telling myself that who we are just didn't work together and that our goals had changed and we could never reach them together. Part of me feels like she feels like she doged a bullet; she is so damn independant that she doesn't want to have to feel like she needs to "check in" with me or that kind of thing. Listing out in my head all of the things I did not like:

 

smoker, insecure, quick to anger, STILLMARRIED, years of waiting for nothing, didn't want to include me in her time with her friends, leaves at the drop of a hat, huge trust issues, always on her damn phone when we were together, gets stressed out easily and takes it out on me, no chance of a real future, always feeling the need to tell me when she received compliments or was hit on by other men, gut feeling like she was hiding something from me.

 

There is more but I will stop ranting for now. This is theraputic in it's own way to get this stuff out. Why do I still miss her and miss her touch and her kiss that she will most certainly soon be giving someone else anyway? Anyone ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Wish I could do that with her. Not really because then the good would be gone too Ijust miss her like crazy. She was the one I thought. My baby. RIP memories.

You are starting to see things for what they really are and being angry is part of moving on, it's actually a positive thing.

 

My ex too told me she loved me, wishes she never had any type of relationship before me and that she wished she would of met me years before blah blah I was even thinking about buying a house and possibly have her live with me but truth be told, i never trusted her 100% because i caught her lying. It seems like in your cause you started catching on the lies a bit later indirectly.

 

Keep strong and maintain NC , in a couple of months you will be in a totally different place.

[Compromize]

Thanks NoLeafClover. It's nice to know I'm not the only man who can still be real and have emotions.

 

My ex told me the same crap about wish we would have met years ago, had kids together, said that crap during our last conversation and I said well what about the reality, the now? Different story...

 

I did catch her in a few direct lies, slightly innocent white lies but she was also good a not telling the whole truth and accidently letting a few details slip and I put two and two together and confronted her on them. Mainly stuff dealing with time spent with her (ex?)husband and the kids. If you can't tell me the whole truth up front some fishy S is going on.

 

Like you I never got to the live together stage and truth be told bro it sounds like we are both better off for it!

 

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, I appreciate a man's perspective who has battled the same demons.

 

*** What kind of bike you ride? Have a 99' WR400F Yamaha myself and haven't been able to ride for a while.

[1cookiejar]

I wrote a pretty long rant a while ago on this site, but couldn't really find a way to message you the link so I guess I'll just put it here

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/377214-i-know-i-messed-up-what-kills-me

 

I guess its good that you're working out things that you did not like about her. I know everyone isn't prefect, but I do that too, makes me feel loads better seeing things from another perspective

[Compromize]

Beginning of day 7 NC. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. Want to reach out to her with every fiber of my being. This is the first time in our entire relationship that I have ignored her (sent me breadcrumbs a few days ago). I was not going to post what she sent but I want to get it out there for perspective. I want so badly to reply to it and tell her how wrong she is in her way of thinking but I don't think it will do any good whatsoever. Here it is, this is a week later in response to me calling/texting after we talked and she said she realizes that she needs to be the one to say goodbye and me pleading that the things we did not have together were trivial compared to what we do have and that I did not want to break up, that I still wanted to work on us and a future together no matter how long it took.

 

She texted me again today that she loves me and misses me so much. I caved and sent her back that I love her and miss her too. Damn it. But I do love her and miss her and I guess I am back to square one with NC. But what if she really does want me back wants to work on things? Not going to have hope of that but I don't take back that I told her I love her and I miss her but not letting it go any further than that for myself. If she truly wants me back and wants to have a true relationship she knows where I am and what I want and need. LC for today.*

Edited March 10, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[misswillow]

Are the "trivial things" that you both talk of things like living together and everything that goes along with that? If so, she may feel that those things are so important to you and since she can't/isn't willing to give them to you, she has to let you go. I think this is similar to what my ex is thinking...he doesn't know when we could ever be together as a family, because things are so difficult with his kids, so he believes he has to let me go to find someone else who will give me those things.

 

However, I always wonder if I am a fool for believing these "although I love you, you deserve better than what I can give you" breakup reasons. Is this just the version of "it's not you, it's me" that everyone knows is bullsh*t? A way of trying to make us feel better about the whole thing...it's not anything they don't love about us, just the situation that can't work.

 

You say you and your ex have broken up 7-8 times, I'm on my third breakup with mine. Always issues about the kids and him thinking we can't make it work. I know in my head that all these breakups are not good, for either of us, and we should probably run, and run quickly. But the heart feels differently. The thing is, though, even if you did get back together, how do you know it won't just happen again, because this has been the pattern with her? It probably will happen again. And you will be going through this all again. I try to remember this...I've been down this road, and sometimes I think I just have to make it to the other side where I won't be tempted to let him back in again because I know he cannot really commit to the relationship. We've always gotten back together so quickly, when I am at the high point of my grief, maybe if I can just get past this point I can be stronger.

 

I also am on Day 7 of NC. The last contact was the day we broke up. I know I have to break NC at some point in some way, because we have some financial things to address. But I don't know when I'm going to do that, and if I'm going to ask him to talk to me about the breakup as well.

 

Hang in there, I know it must be so hard when you get these messages from your ex. It must be like starting all over again. I am getting radio silence, which also sucks, but probably is actually easier.

Edited March 9, 2013 by misswillow

[NoLeafClover]

Thanks NoLeafClover. It's nice to know I'm not the only man who can still be real and have emotions.

 

My ex told me the same crap about wish we would have met years ago, had kids together, said that crap during our last conversation and I said well what about the reality, the now? Different story...

 

I did catch her in a few direct lies, slightly innocent white lies but she was also good a not telling the whole truth and accidently letting a few details slip and I put two and two together and confronted her on them. Mainly stuff dealing with time spent with her (ex?)husband and the kids. If you can't tell me the whole truth up front some fishy S is going on.

 

Like you I never got to the live together stage and truth be told bro it sounds like we are both better off for it!

 

Thanks for the kind words of encouragement, I appreciate a man's perspective who has battled the same demons.

 

*** What kind of bike you ride? Have a 99' WR400F Yamaha myself and haven't been able to ride for a while.

 

Here is my theory about that

 

Lying = no trust

No trust = arguing

Arguing = Not happy

Not happy = broken relationship

Broken relationship = broken heart

 

broken heart = time to move on and find someone better.

 

Ps. to answer your last question

96' ZX7R Ninja & 07 GSX-R 600

 

Get that bike out and go riding keep your mind off things.

[Compromize]

Broke NC about a week ago in response to her (here)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/378127-5-days-nc-ex-just-contacted-me-ugh

 

Ends with us saying we wish we would have had kids together, me saying a couple more things and her not responding.

 

Had a good night last night hanging out with friends watching UFC, drank a little too much and feel like hell this morning but a good workout will fix that. First time I have been out doing anything that doesn't involve my kids since the BU really.

 

She texted me again last night. Had my phone shut off so didn't get it until this morning. Couple very short texts about a place in her that exists only for me.

 

Funny thing is this morning before I turned my phone on I was looking for a couple of pictures of my kids on my computer and came across some still on there of her (I thought I had zipped them all up so I wouldn't be tempted to look at them or see them inadvertently, didn't want to delete them). Seeing her pictures didn't kick me in the chest like it did a month ago. Good sign I thought.

 

Then I got the texts. Not sure how to feel about them. It's been about an average of 6 days between her texts and I have caved and replied to some but it's been 6 days NC for me since the last reply. I'm really not sure what she is trying to do/accomplish. Make herself feel better? I know she is hurting. I know she loved/loves me very much. I think she thinks she is making the "right decision" for me by letting me go but is hanging on? I don't know, just getting it out of me on here so I don't respond to her.

 

I have to be honest, if she did tell me that she wanted to see me, wanted me back, wanted all those things that I want and was willing to work on it, I don't know what I would say. Probably a very cautious yes. I don't know if that makes me weak or what. God we had/have such a great time being together; it's the being apart that destroyed us.

 

This doesn't mean I harbor any hope of us getting back together. I guess it does make me feel a little better having her be the one to text me and me choosing not to respond to it from an NC standpoint. Feels more like it's a choice rather than a reaction.

[asdfasdf1234]

Hey Compromize,

 

I just wanted to say I definitely feel for you man I've been in a similar situation before and it sucks really bad.

 

You have to look at it this way though if you went back to seeing her consistently but only for a few days a month you would be back at the same spot you were at and that is just completely unsatisfied. The only reason she is texting you is for a quick little ego boost so that she knows that you're still thinking about her and pining for her. I know it sucks to hear that but I think you know deep down it's the truth. These sorts of situations make us completely illogical and irrational. Your feelings for this woman have completely clowded any judgement.

 

Another thing that makes her so desirable is the fact that she just seems always just out of reach. Good times you do spend with her make it that much more passionate do to that fact. I think deep down you know what's best to do but at this point I don't think you're ready to do it which is completely stop answering any of her text messages or calls. Like I said I was in a similar situation and it took me months of months and months of complete misery until I finally figured out it wasn't going to go anywhere. I hope it doesn't take you that long because those were a very long few months.

 

I wish you the best and believe me I've been there!

[Compromize]

Thanks asdfasdf1234. You are right on the money bro. The unbelievable chemistry that this woman and I have pulled us together when we shouldn't have been and pulled us back together half a dozen times since then.

 

You have to look at it this way though if you went back to seeing her consistently but only for a few days a month you would be back at the same spot you were at and that is just completely unsatisfied

 

This is dead on. I would be back to wanting more than she is willing to give. For a VERY long time. Even in the small amounts of time we were together for a couple days, we ended up arguing. Mainly over time (or lack thereof) or insecurity on both of our parts (well to be fair 75% her, 25% me).

 

It's been months for me, we really BU in the early December with seeing each other a few times since then. Damn it I wish I didn't want her! It would make it so much easier to move on.

 

I am not going to reply to her. Not going to do any good and it will set me back to square one yet again.

 

Thanks for the guidance man!

[asdfasdf1234]

Thanks asdfasdf1234. You are right on the money bro. The unbelievable chemistry that this woman and I have pulled us together when we shouldn't have been and pulled us back together half a dozen times since then.

 

 

 

This is dead on. I would be back to wanting more than she is willing to give. For a VERY long time. Even in the small amounts of time we were together for a couple days, we ended up arguing. Mainly over time (or lack thereof) or insecurity on both of our parts (well to be fair 75% her, 25% me).

 

It's been months for me, we really BU in the early December with seeing each other a few times since then. Damn it I wish I didn't want her! It would make it so much easier to move on.

 

I am not going to reply to her. Not going to do any good and it will set me back to square one yet again.

 

Thanks for the guidance man!

 

No problem dude. You are in a similar situation to me however I am on the other side of it and I'm the 1 who broke up with her. It was a toxic relationship and we just aren't meant to be together but unfortunately we have an incredible sexual chemistry that makes me even thinking about her tough. I just wanted to let you know it's not easy being on the other side and I'm sure she wants to reconnect with you as well.

[Compromize]

It was a toxic relationship and we just aren't meant to be together but unfortunately we have an incredible sexual chemistry that makes me even thinking about her tough.

 

I feel you there. I went from being married to a woman that I had zero sexual chemistry with to being with a woman on the opposite end of the spectrum. Hard to give that up when you have it.

 

I just wanted to let you know it's not easy being on the other side and I'm sure she wants to reconnect with you as well.

 

I know she does. We have been here so many times before. It feels different this time though. More like the dying breaths of a relationship.

 

I have a ton of sh*t to work on in myself and for myself. That is what I am devoting my energy to this time instead of relentlessly pursuing her like I have done in the past when we have broken up. I'm not sure how she feels about that, she is so used to me pursuing. She is a beautiful, sexy woman and gets hit on constantly, she will get attention anywhere she goes so my attention probably doesn't mean much anyway.

 

Beautiful, desirable woman have it much easier after a breakup. Men will throw themselves at them. Us guys, even though I know I am a good-looking guy in good shape, need to put in effort for the same results. Not that I am looking for that kind of attention anyway, just bitching

[asdfasdf1234]

I feel you there. I went from being married to a woman that I had zero sexual chemistry with to being with a woman on the opposite end of the spectrum. Hard to give that up when you have it.

 

 

 

I know she does. We have been here so many times before. It feels different this time though. More like the dying breaths of a relationship.

 

I have a ton of sh*t to work on in myself and for myself. That is what I am devoting my energy to this time instead of relentlessly pursuing her like I have done in the past when we have broken up. I'm not sure how she feels about that, she is so used to me pursuing. She is a beautiful, sexy woman and gets hit on constantly, she will get attention anywhere she goes so my attention probably doesn't mean much anyway.

 

Beautiful, desirable woman have it much easier after a breakup. Men will throw themselves at them. Us guys, even though I know I am a good-looking guy in good shape, need to put in effort for the same results. Not that I am looking for that kind of attention anyway, just bitching

 

Ya that's funny my ex is drop dead beautiful as well like probably the 1 of the most beautiful girls I've ever met let alone dated. I am actually on the exact opposite end and I have broken up with her probably 9 or 10 times. And yes she can easily have any guy she wants but the 1 guy she wants is me because she can't have me because it just doesn't work we have a toxic relationship.

 

By the way I didn't mean that to sound conceited because I am having a hard time with it too. I know it's just a matter of time until she messages me again and every time she messages me I just have to be strong and not reply. It's just tough because I know we could easily hop in the bed at a moment's notice and have the best sex ever. And I do mean ever. It's like a crazy drug.

Edited March 18, 2013 by asdfasdf1234