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When you like what you cant have?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 26th June 2017, 5:15 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by GemmaUK View Post
These things are never ALL couples though.

Take a buddy with you - unless of course you are totally uninterested in the events - which it sounds like you are (?).

Do you go to events with lots of folk where you mingle and enjoy/want to go to the event? Does lack of partner stop you from those also?

Events and days out are just about having fun - all good - if you happen to meet someone great - if not - no waste of time if you have had a great day.
Maybe you focus too much on the taking a partner or meeting one bits?
The problem here is twofold


1: This is a very fancy event so having a partner is expected.
2: I went to it alone last year and had to field questions why I didn't bring someone, which in itself wasn't very pleasant.
3: Say what you want but when invites are "you and partner" and you turn up alone people do wonder why.


None of those things are "right" in my opinion but its simply how things are.


I actually try not to go to events which mandate a partner, sometimes I have no option but to put up with it but I wouldn't say its enjoyable.


I should say this event is a dinner dance.
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Old 26th June 2017, 6:05 AM   #17
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"As a man thinketh ...."

The reason you "can't" have it is because you believe you can't.

As the saying goes, "whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're right". (Henry Ford)

There is no reason you can't have a person with a great personality. You can. It's absolutely 100% possible for you to be with a great girl who has a great personality. An absolute certainty.

But, not while you have this negative belief. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You project it out into the world - women sense it and react accordingly - and it returns to you fulfilled.

"They can because they think they can." - Virgil

Make that your steadfast, unrelenting belief and it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy also.

You can. You will.
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Old 26th June 2017, 8:52 AM   #18
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The reason you "can't" have it is because you believe you can't.

As the saying goes, "whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're right". (Henry Ford)

There is no reason you can't have a person with a great personality. You can. It's absolutely 100% possible for you to be with a great girl who has a great personality. An absolute certainty.

But, not while you have this negative belief. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. You project it out into the world - women sense it and react accordingly - and it returns to you fulfilled.

"They can because they think they can." - Virgil

Make that your steadfast, unrelenting belief and it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy also.

You can. You will.
That's a lovely idea, it really is, however reality it is not, for many at least. If it were large parts of this forum wouldn't exist.


I grew up telling myself everything you mention above, boy was I wrong when I tried to date. In fact I couldn't have been more wrong about anything.
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Old 26th June 2017, 9:40 AM   #19
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Thinking about this again I think I might have an answer, I think I latch onto ideas which are unlikely at best because I never have any luck anyway and its better to think about something good than thinking about the reality which is totally abysmal when it comes to dating.
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Old 19th July 2017, 8:22 PM   #20
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Have you thought anymore on this? I am in the same boat. What kind of personality or what is it that you're attracted to that it is near impossible for you to become like? Thank you
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Old 20th July 2017, 12:55 AM   #21
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Have you thought anymore on this? I am in the same boat. What kind of personality or what is it that you're attracted to that it is near impossible for you to become like? Thank you
For me its hard to say, as someone who virtually never gets any sort of interest or attention from ladies that attention is nice to get when it rarely happens.


I like outgoing people, what is not really me, bubbly, cheery, happy, full of life people. Most of us all though confidence with intellect combined with good to me looks.
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Old 20th July 2017, 5:18 AM   #22
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How old are you btw ?
l get the feeling your being down on yourself 20 yrs too soon.
On your preferences , crikey , l dunno where to start.
But it may not even be about you , more just meeting the right girl.
My personality does suit that type , my ex wife and gf since were both a lot like that and more and it's something like what l look for. Well l don't look but when l see it l know it you could say.
l worry to l;ll never find that personality again now, well l know l won't actually , she'll probably be totally different, but l'll love her just as much for what she is , that's how it works..

But , tell ya about my ex FIL.
Quietest man you'll ever meet , talking painful to be alone with.l use to dread it and thank God l don't have to deal with him anymore.
You the MIL, his wife , was a real live wire always happy and talky and laughing , talk about anything.
My ex was similar , only more sensible , all his kids were all these happy lively bubbly types.
And l've noticed that in other marriages and relationships too.
For some reason he's often the quiet one with women like that, so don't right yourself of in that way , you just haven't found that click yet.
And don't close yourself off, stay open , because anything can happen.

Last edited by Chilli; 20th July 2017 at 5:25 AM..
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Old 20th July 2017, 7:42 AM   #23
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How old are you btw ?
l get the feeling your being down on yourself 20 yrs too soon.
On your preferences , crikey , l dunno where to start.
But it may not even be about you , more just meeting the right girl.
My personality does suit that type , my ex wife and gf since were both a lot like that and more and it's something like what l look for. Well l don't look but when l see it l know it you could say.
l worry to l;ll never find that personality again now, well l know l won't actually , she'll probably be totally different, but l'll love her just as much for what she is , that's how it works..

But , tell ya about my ex FIL.
Quietest man you'll ever meet , talking painful to be alone with.l use to dread it and thank God l don't have to deal with him anymore.
You the MIL, his wife , was a real live wire always happy and talky and laughing , talk about anything.
My ex was similar , only more sensible , all his kids were all these happy lively bubbly types.
And l've noticed that in other marriages and relationships too.
For some reason he's often the quiet one with women like that, so don't right yourself of in that way , you just haven't found that click yet.
And don't close yourself off, stay open , because anything can happen.
I am 33. Thanks for the encouragement. For the most part I keep going on an ideal, perhaps call it deluding myself but it gets me through the day!


As far as meeting people, I don't really meet many, not super social if I am honest for the simple reason few people have anything in common with me.
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Old 20th July 2017, 8:13 AM   #24
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As far as meeting people, I don't really meet many, not super social if I am honest for the simple reason few people have anything in common with me.
Most people if they were entirely honest are not "super sociable" either, but they do what they have to do to get where they want to be.
So they network, they go for after work drinks, they organise social events, they go to dinner parties, ordinary parties, clubs, pubs, meet ups, concerts movies... in fact if they have an agenda to meet someone they can turn up absolutely anywhere and they do.
NO stone is unturned and eventually they do meet someone suitable and all that excessive socialising usually goes out the window.
Job done.

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Old 20th July 2017, 8:42 AM   #25
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A deeply ingrained negative, pessimistic, and fatalistic attitude that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's your biggest problem.

I can't. I don't. They won't. No chance. Never. Blah, blah, blah, ... on and on incessantly.

And you wonder why people don't to be around that.

If you were serious, you would stop thinking stuff like that much less writing it.
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Old 20th July 2017, 8:46 AM   #26
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A deeply ingrained negative, pessimistic, and fatalistic attitude that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's your biggest problem.
This is it! It does become a self fulfilling prophecy. You don't believe that you will be successful, and you won't.

As it relates to dating, you don't present your best self to women when you have this kind of attitude. And, of course women are not going to be attracted to want to spend time with someone who has this kind of doom and gloom attitude.
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Old 20th July 2017, 9:41 AM   #27
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This is it! It does become a self fulfilling prophecy. You don't believe that you will be successful, and you won't.

As it relates to dating, you don't present your best self to women when you have this kind of attitude. And, of course women are not going to be attracted to want to spend time with someone who has this kind of doom and gloom attitude.
Well its quite tough to believe in something when very little related to it can be construed as positive or uplifting at all.


Luckily I can hide this pragmatic realistic viewpoint, except of course "when was your last relationship", then I answer honestly. Which of course leads to total meltdown as I face the full force of judgement.


Its ok for me to be judged but not ok for me to judge harshly a process which has brought me nothing remotely pleasant and is quite at odd with the experience of virtually every person I know.


So, yes I suppose it me, always me!
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Old 20th July 2017, 9:44 AM   #28
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A deeply ingrained negative, pessimistic, and fatalistic attitude that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. That's your biggest problem.

I can't. I don't. They won't. No chance. Never. Blah, blah, blah, ... on and on incessantly.

And you wonder why people don't to be around that.

If you were serious, you would stop thinking stuff like that much less writing it.
Ok, so every experience is bad and all objective evidence is poor, yet I should extoll the positive virtues. Not the world I live in, ifs its green its green, not pink, or purple but green. I call it as I see it and when it comes to getting what I want at dating, I'd have a better chance of flying based on every experience I have ever had.


How do you reconcile not getting what you want, certainly not by trying to get what you don't want which seems to be the modus operandi of many "oh well that will do".
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Old 20th July 2017, 9:53 AM   #29
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Learned helplessness.
5x5 and WitlessFool like this.
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Old 20th July 2017, 10:04 AM   #30
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Most people if they were entirely honest are not "super sociable" either, but they do what they have to do to get where they want to be.
So they network, they go for after work drinks, they organise social events, they go to dinner parties, ordinary parties, clubs, pubs, meet ups, concerts movies... in fact if they have an agenda to meet someone they can turn up absolutely anywhere and they do.
NO stone is unturned and eventually they do meet someone suitable and all that excessive socialising usually goes out the window.
Job done.

How To Make Friends As An Adult
I just call that being totally false. Nothing else, doing things you don't want to do because everyone else is doing them, the very definition of sheep.


Must say its fantastic that everyone meets someone suitable, that's a statistic I didn't know existed.


I tend to wonder about people who spend all this time and resource and still never find anything they want, or perhaps these people are few in number. Or perhaps they just become someone they are not to hopefully attract an idea, perhaps they resort to manipulation and lying to achieve this objective, perhaps they just sell out morally on what is considered decent.


Ok, cool I get it. Do what everyone else does because if everyone else does it, its ok and normal. People don't question any of it ever, why do people go and get drunk to socialise? Why not socialise with no alcohol? I have been to enough clubs to know they amount to little more than tinder in 3d with alcohol. Will a personality win over a person in a club, no but a fat wallet might, or good looks. I know enough very good looking ladies who themselves battle at dating because they are judged only on their looks rather than their mind. But good looks mean you can choose, likewise a fat wallet so in a scenario where everyone does the same thing they are the "more equal than others".


The things I aspire to are very simple, I simply want to say "that's the best I can do and be happy with it" taking someone out who doesn't appeal doesn't get me that, it gets me "I have nothing better to do so while I want ABC, XYZ will go out with me so oh well". The fact ABC wont ever be interested in me is irrelevant, ABC has set the standard and that's the standard I want.


Nobody is going to agree with me but so be it, nobody should dream of being average and likewise nobody should settle for average either.


I'll watch the link later.
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