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Why wont he marry me???


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My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We have lived together for 2.5 years. Met in college (18yrs old) and have been in a solid relationship ever since. We spend all of our free time together and have mostly mutual friends. He is the sweetest, smartest, most wonderful person I know. A year ago we purchased a house together 50/50.

 

I find it very embarrassing to constantly say "boyfriend" to people who ask about us. Especially when introducing ourselves to anyone. I feel like a kid saying "boyfriend" because saying husband would be a lie.

 

Three years ago we both purchased an engagement ring. A year went by and no proposal....

 

I started dropping hints....Nothing

 

So then it became a nagging situation. All of my friends were getting married and everyone knowing about our LONG relationship started asking when we were going to get married.

 

Then, after me nagging and nagging, he proposed. Well, not quite. We were in the mall parking lot and he handed me a duct-taped box. NOT EVEN down on one knee... didn't even ask me to marry him... he just kinda said "here".

 

That was 1.5 yrs ago. Still no talks about marriage... I guess im kinda engaged??? People are CONSTANTLY asking about setting a date... I just change the subject.

 

My question is... what should I do? This is a "why buy the cow" kinda scenario. We like together, pay bills together, I cook for him, clean up after him. EVERYTHING a wife should do but just not a wife.

 

My feelings are very hurt because of this lack of affection. I just dont know what I should do.

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Mme. Chaucer

All you can do at this point is to either give him an ultimatum that you are ABSOLUTELY ready to back up - marriage or you're gone.

 

Or, accept the situation that you have been a full contributor to creating.

 

How on Earth do you get an engagement ring without seriously discussing the nuts and bolts about a wedding and a marriage?

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It sounds sad but... I just wanted to be engaged. It would be a city hall wedding anyway, so I guess I just hoped that he would make somewhat of an effort to get married

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Tell him "I can't wait forever. I want to move on to the next stage of my life, which is marriage and children. I thought that's what you wanted too, but it seems like I was mistaken, and you'd rather not take that step. Perhaps we both want two different things, and we need to acknowledge that and both move on with our lives. I don't want to make you do something you really don't want to do, so I think we need to be honest with ourselves and realize that maybe we are not a match because we both want different things."

 

That should get him to set the date if he thinks that you are going to walk. And if he says he is not ready to get married just yet, then walk. Some men will string you along as long as they can get away with it. You have to be ready to walk, and if he seriously will not accept losing you, he will set the date. I think he's stalled long enough, don't you? Tell him it's time to **** or get off the pot.

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My question is... what should I do?

 

I co-sign KathyM's advice in this instance. This man has been drinking the milk long enough and now it's time to buy that prize Holstein.

 

Doing what she suggests can be scary but it can also feel very empowering. Take control of your life and direct it where you want it to go.

 

One last caution - Be careful about tying your own feelings and timelines into what other people are doing or saying. This is *your* relationship; do what respects your perspective and that of your partner. Hopefully, you'll find synergy. If not, that's an answer. Life goes on either way. Good luck.

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A woman should never have to coerce a man to marry her. Don't pressure him. Simply move out and meet other people. He doesn't have to commit before he's ready, but he doesn't get to monopolize your time and loyalty.

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That sounds great and empowering but. It wouldn't work... I have all of my money in this house, plus he knows I wouldn't even think of leaving him. We are even planning to start trying for a baby next year. This guys just AFRIAD to get married??? Is this normal?

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That sounds great and empowering but. It wouldn't work... I have all of my money in this house, plus he knows I wouldn't even think of leaving him. We are even planning to start trying for a baby next year. This guys just AFRIAD to get married??? Is this normal?

Well, you're basically living as his common law wife, and he therefore has no motivation to make it legal. If you're not willing to make this a dealbreaker, then he is not going to be motivated to get married. If he was motivated, he would have already done it. Now you are either going to have to accept the status quo, living as you are now, or be willing to leave and separate assets, sell the house, etc. If you're not willing to leave, I doubt he will be motivated to change anything. Nagging him endlessly is not the answer. He has shown through his actions that he is not willing to take that step yet. Maybe he never will be. If you've given it a fair amount of time, and you have, then it's time to take action. He won't, therefore, you need to.

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That sounds great and empowering but. It wouldn't work... I have all of my money in this house, plus he knows I wouldn't even think of leaving him. We are even planning to start trying for a baby next year. This guys just AFRIAD to get married??? Is this normal?

 

The ironic thing is that moving out of a house you've invested in to break up with him would be easier if you were married. Then the court system would go to bat for you and help you divide the property.

 

What will you do if he doesn't propose? Or worse, if he doesn't want to, but ends up doing it out of a sense of obligation?

 

How badly do you need this money?

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Flat out tell him that there won't be any children without marriage and then, listen to what he says. If you need opinions before making any decision, report back to LS what he says and many of us would be happy to provide input.

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Mme. Chaucer
That sounds great and empowering but. It wouldn't work... I have all of my money in this house, plus he knows I wouldn't even think of leaving him. We are even planning to start trying for a baby next year. This guys just AFRIAD to get married??? Is this normal?

 

You can't make him marry you … so I guess you're just going to have a boyfriend (with whom you own a home and have a child), maybe for the rest of your life?

 

You haven't left yourself much room.

 

Anyway, if you won't or can't take that good advice of Kathy's, maybe you can at least be PERFECTLY straightforward with him regarding your feelings about this. No more hinting, engagement ring shopping type of scenarios. Tell him you very much want to be married and ask him to please tell you EXACTLY where he stands on this, with no waffling allowed.

 

At least then you will have your answer.

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aussietigerwolf
That sounds great and empowering but. It wouldn't work... I have all of my money in this house, plus he knows I wouldn't even think of leaving him. We are even planning to start trying for a baby next year. This guys just AFRIAD to get married??? Is this normal?

 

And that is why he isn't doing it... He knows you'll never leave.

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The nagging is the worst part. Nowadays all I do is nag and bring it up passive aggressively. If he DOES eventually say "fine" and we go down to city hall and just do it. Thats the lamest marriage ever! With that and the parking lot engagement... Really makes me feel like crap.

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Tell him that if he is not serious about marrying you, you feel its time to start separating finances, etc, looking into selling the house etc.

 

Why are you even talking KIDS if he won't marry you? Would you really have kids with a guy who won't marry you? Why did you buy a house with him if you wanted marriage and after 7 yrs STILL didn't have it?

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So, acknowledging that this 'feels like crap', what do you propose to resolve it? What are your boundaries? What are the consequences? What compromises do you propose? Accept that you have no control over your partner, rather only of yourself, what are your choices, your actions, your words. What's next?

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You ask "why won't he marry me?" but then you answer the question yourself. He knows you won't leave, you've invested yourself in the relationship physically, emotionally, and financially, and you are even planning to have a baby next year without marriage.

 

A better question is, as a man who doesn't seem to want to get married, why would he marry you?

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I have agree with the previous posters on this. Why should he? You've been together for 7-years???? And you are NOW concerned that he will not marry you? Why not after 3 or 5 years?

 

I consider myself marriage material, but if I had a GF that was willing to commit in every way except marriage, I think I would do the same. In the end, there are a few reasons NOT to marry now days. Ideally, IMO, a committed, LTR relationship that looks and feels like a marriage w/o the document saying so seems better each day.

 

Good luck.

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samsungxoxo

OP, you've been giving him all the commodities within a marriage for free. That's how he hasn't consider marrying you. There is nothing motivating or new to him, nothing that will make him think marriage will make a difference because it's not. You've been acting like his ''wife figure'' for years.

 

I would long be bored playing house in days. Actually, I would get bored dating for years and it going no where (I would be gone by the 2nd year if man isn't willing to move the relationship towards the next level). Not sure how you put up with that for 2 1/2 years and then dating for so long.

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samsungxoxo
Tell him that if he is not serious about marrying you, you feel its time to start separating finances, etc, looking into selling the house etc.

 

Why are you even talking KIDS if he won't marry you? Would you really have kids with a guy who won't marry you? Why did you buy a house with him if you wanted marriage and after 7 yrs STILL didn't have it?

Honestly, I think if it has to get to the point where a woman is putting conditions on a man ''If you won't marry me, I'll leave'' or nag him in any sort of way, the relationship is over. I wouldn't want my proposal to be remembered as ''the day I had to talk him to it'' and I don't think I would accept a proposal like that. I would want my proposal to be done with the man's free will and be known as ''The day he surprised me suddenly and I didn't even had to remind him''. Now that's a big difference.

 

In fact, the OP's relationship was already over the day she decided to move in with a guy and become another live-in perpetual gf. Yet she wants to have a kid with him? With a guy who is basically telling her ''You're not good enough for me to consider marriage''? OP, walk away.

Edited by samsungxoxo
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Mme. Chaucer

Seriously, after all of this time and the choices you've made along the way, freely, the best thing for your relationship will be for you to let go of the idea of marriage altogether.

 

You've gone ahead with all the "perks" already and are planning a baby.

 

The marriage question is a source of nagging, passive aggression, and in my own frank opinion, you are way, way past the point where much more than a city hall or a private informal thing in your home would be appropriate. I don't even understand why people who have been living together forever get engagement rings. But you seem like you would be unhappy without the whole big wedding with all the trimmings?

 

Anyway, that nagging and stuff will ruin your relationship.

 

Until you have come to some sort of resolution about this, I hope you hold off on the child-having.

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LoveRaymond

I don't believe in marriage really. The average wedding costs well in excess of £10,000 - just think of how you could better yourselves, your new baby, your house and everything else with that. If you're in love then it's worth infinatly more than a tradition (and money).

 

You're doing great and you're going to have a beautiful future - don't give all that money away to people for the sake of tradition. Deed polls can sort out the name change if thats the hook - other than that no-one has ever given me a good enough reason as to why they got married.

 

Just my view :)

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I don't believe in marriage really. The average wedding costs well in excess of £10,000 - just think of how you could better yourselves, your new baby, your house and everything else with that. If you're in love then it's worth infinatly more than a tradition (and money).

 

You're doing great and you're going to have a beautiful future - don't give all that money away to people for the sake of tradition. Deed polls can sort out the name change if thats the hook - other than that no-one has ever given me a good enough reason as to why they got married.

 

Just my view :)

 

You can get married without an expensive party. It can be done in a courthouse. The wedding party is not what marriage is.

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LoveRaymond
You can get married without an expensive party. It can be done in a courthouse. The wedding party is not what marriage is.

 

I agree - if its purely for religeous reasons then I get it, but still (money aside) how does a piece of paper, a ring prove anything?

 

Throughout history there have been times where marriages have been banned, outlawed, etc... although many of these couples held secret ceremonies there were many that did not care or see it as a priority issue. The reason being that it didn't in any way, shape or form change the intesity of love or emotion between them and their partner :)

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I agree - if its purely for religeous reasons then I get it, but still (money aside) how does a piece of paper, a ring prove anything?

 

A man I seriously dated and was madly in love with for a long time from a foreign country was married, but he told me he had never been married and was single. His wife called me and uploaded a copy of their marriage certificate. I never spoke to him again. Thank god for public records and pieces of paper.

 

Also, if a woman has her husband's children, and then he cheats on her or leaves her for another younger woman, or really if either party breaks the contract or defrauds the other, the court goes to bat for the betrayed and helps the couple divide assets, establishes alimony in the case where one party gave up a career to raise joint children, etc. A marriage is not simply between 2 parties but rather between the couple and the entirety of human society. Everybody in every culture knows what it means to be married. You are taken.

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Maybe I'm the weird one, but I know so many people that only got married after living together for 5+ years and already having kids that I don't see what the big deal is...

 

Even my mom and step dad didn't get married until about 4yrs after they moved in together. And they didn't call each other boyfriend/girlfriend, but husband and wife. Even before they got married. Just like all my other friends that didn't get married right away!

 

My cousin has been living with his "wife" for 6 years now. They have a 3 year old. They've only now started thinking about getting married.

 

And if you feel that strongly about it... you know that women can propose too, right? You *can* bring up the subject of "so, when do we get married, then?" Which it seems you haven't done, waiting for his cue. Well, news flash, it probably doesn't even cross his mind, because, for him, you are married and signing a piece of paper won't change anything.

So take the lead and TALK to him about it!

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