[basscatcher]

(WARNING: Alpha this is not short--I have too much to say!!)

Ok it happened again.. Charlie pointed out again last night on the phone that I am doing it again. He says I am being overly insecure and paranoid. I don't see that I did this last night on the phone. WTF?? Am I blind to myself? I was only inquiring..
He asked if I had talked to Carrie since this weekend and asked if the guy she met Saturday night called her? I asked him why he is always asking about her and he told me because she is my friend he considers her his friend and he cares about my freinds too. He accused me of being paranoid and he was obviously upset and lectured me about his values of friendship; ex: if my friends needed his help he would help them.
He grilled at me that he hasn't flirted with them, he hasn't made moves on them but they are my friends and that makes them his friends...
He was heated last night. He said I was being overly jealous and insecure and its driving him nuts. He said he is sick of it. WOW.. WTF.. I asked him a question about why he always asks about my friends (especially the one we hang with on the weekends.)
I told him I feel like a equal to my friends with him. When we are out people don't know who he is with because he doesnt put his arm around me, he doesn't kiss me, he doesn't hold my hand.. A guy asked him if my gf was his wife and he didn't want to move in and cause trouble if she was. WTF... That felt like a slap in my face. WTF.. That made me feel like we don't look like a couple.. I am so hurt and furious about this..
I am struggling with feeling like he doesn't want to touch me or show me affection in public and now this.. It seems like a confirmation of my feelings..
He attempts to reassure me that he wants me, is interested in me, but I need to lighten up and have fun. He said I am choking him.. WTF... I am so confused about all this..
I feel like he is more concerned about my friends then he is about me. I've never had a bf who cared about my freinds before and gave them equal attention as me. I am use to my man giving me more attention then my friends. I am use to my man touching me (hugs, holding my hand, arm around me, etc) He states he doesn't want to make my friends feel uncomfortable. Carrie goes out with us frequently and its just the three of us. He said he isn't going to be all over me and make her feel left out or uncomfortable!! WTF--EXCUSE ME....??? She knows we are a couple--HELLOOOOO---She expects him and I to exchange a little affection once in awhile but he wont do it unless she is paried up with someone else then he will dance closer to me and hold me by my waist..
I believe that what he claims there is truth to it. but damn cant he at least make me feel like I am his gf and not just a friend.

Thats my problem with him --The way he is around me in public I feel like I am just his friend and not his WOMAN... I like a man to express a little action that I am his and he is mine. But instead he is just with me as if I am just another memeber in our party..

I try to communicate to him what I am feeling and thinking but when I do he misunderstands almost everything. I told him I am going to write it all down and he said NO he doesn't like to read so not too and then ordered me to get over my jealousy and insecurities. He said I need to do something to stop this.. WTF??

I am so frustrated. I am having waves of hurt and anger.. I just want him to understand that I feel like he isn't attracted to me, I feel like I am the plague, I feel like he isn't interested in me because he doesn't touch me or show me much affection, he doesn't tell me what he feels for me or express what he thinks of me except the negatives he wants me to change..

**** are men really this stupid and blind???

[alphamale]

Originally Posted by padameckla

(WARNING: Alpha this is not short--I have too much to say!!)

actually, this is one of your shorter ones... I'll read and reply later on. he he

[NTB]

man i guess you meant it when you said it wasn't short

[basscatcher]

Originally Posted by NTB

man i guess you meant it when you said it wasn't short

This one is actually shorter then normal. Believe it.
I tried to condense it.. It's not easy when I AM a person of many words. I love communication and I am very detail oriented so its hard to control myself when communicating.

[a4a]

I feel like I am the plague, I feel like he isn't interested in me because he doesn't touch me or show me much affection, he doesn't tell me what he feels for me or express what he thinks of me except the negatives he wants me to change..

He bought you a ring, buys you boots, takes you out, calls you, pays attention to you by spending time with you.

I personally hate it when a SO's are all over each other in a group setting. I don't expect my H to do so in public or with a group of friends because it does make some people uncomfortable......nor do I think someone standing up in the middle of dinner stating their spouse is the most wonderful most beautiful and in love with them necessary to confirm that they care.(exception would be a toast for a special occassion)

It sounds like you are being very insecure and unsure of his true intentions with you. Now if by him showing you a little affection in front of people to confirm him being committed to you to get you over this? Why is it so important that others know the degree of your relationship?

[Art_Critic]

New relationships are not supposed to be this much work/drama. On both sides.

I think that some of the issues Charlie is pushing back on you and then you think how the issue is yours..
He isn't an angel in all of the problems you are feeling that are there..But you seem to keep blaming yourself and your insecurities for everything

I think he is more broken than you realize..

[basscatcher]

I am not looking for him to be draped over me like a cheap coat... I like to feel touch..
I wish he would once in awhile put his hand on my back or touch my hand when we are sitting at a table at the bar, or look at me for longer then just a quick glance, why can't he hold my hand as we work our way through a crowd so we don't get seperated. Why can't he stand closer to me instead of at a distance like you would if it were just a friend?
Why can't he initiate a hug in the privacy of our homes when we enter one others homes or say goodbye with a hug or/and a kiss..

If I didn't initiate He would probably only touch me once a week or when we are having sex!!! I feel physcially deprived and I don't want to use seduction as the only way to get him to touch me!!

I am a touchy-feely kind of person and I like to be touched as well.
I need to hear possitive words about me to help me feel good about myself. It is reassurring to hear your partner say that you look nice, or they like your hair that way, or I missed you or I love you!!!

I am not for materialistic stuff!!! I am more personable then stuff... I like material things but it doesn't make me feel loved or wanted.

A genuine heart felt hug or a genuine feeling filled I love you is what touches my heart and my being...

[SmoochieFace]

Those words are beginning to creep into my mind...

We told you so!!!

[NTB]

i don't know the full story between you 2 and this is my first reading of this novel..........but IMHO......this guy has some issue to work out and i don't think he is that into you......i hope i don't come off as an A$$ sorry

[a4a]

Well Pada if Charlie is not willing to fulfill these important needs for you, or is not happy with the fact that you have these needs then I think you need to take some time to figure out if being with him is worth it to you. Neither one of you should have to go without what you want. You are in a new relationship...... Art is right way too much drama way too much worry for such a new relationship where you should still have googly eyes and just enjoy it.

If you cannot turn off your need for physical touch......then IMHO you need a person that gives that to you, he just may not be able to fulfill that.

[littlekitty]

If that's not his style, I'm not sure that you can force it to be so? He clearly feels that he is giving you everything you need.

I recognise that I need a certain amount of affection from my partner too. I have found someone who equally needs affection and therefore understand that requirement. This allows to both get what we need from the other, without having to force the issue.

Perhaps this isn't the relationship you want it to be?

[Outcast]

Pada, you have to stop this. You have set up conditions that he MUST obey or else you insist on feeling unloved. He has explained that he is uncomfortable with the conditions you have set (PDAs). You continue to push him to behave the way you insist that he must behave and get mad when he doesn't. You also show huge insecurity by flipping out on him when he asks about other women of any sort.

You are sabotaging this relationship. YOU MUST STOP INSISTING HE BEHAVE THE WAY YOU WANT. It's very controlling. You want him to behave in a way that is abnormal and uncomfortable to him because in your brain you have decided that only people who grope and touch in public actually love each other.

IT'S NOT TRUE. And it's only your brain that has insisted on this being the case.

So your choice is to continue believing that only people who touch in public love each other (something that is not true) or realize that you have trapped yourself and Charlie in a false belief, drop the false belief, and allow him to show his love HIS way.

I wish you would read the Love Languages book and some Albert Ellis before it's too late.

[Becoming]

Pada, what I hear in what you wrote is someone who wants her feelings taken seriously. And it doesn't seem that you feel that that's happening with him. You have certain needs that aren't being met (affection, feeling like you're his woman and not his friend, confirmed by others' comments). He expect you to conform to his way of seeing things, but it doesn't sound to me like you think that he does the same for you. Without lack of mutual accomodation to one another's needs, the relationship is not gonna be good.

Yes, you probably are a little insecure. But so what? We're all broken and have issues. You have good reasons for your issues that that need to be respected. If your feelings can't be respected, let alone tolerated, you need to be true to yourself and tell him that unless this changes, you're going to have to reevaluate whether you want to be in relationship with him.

He's wanting you to work on your issues without him putting forth equal effort to work on his, and that's what I see that's particularly problematic.

Have you told him what you wrote here because it seems clear to me what you want.

[a4a]

Originally Posted by Becoming

Pada, what I hear in what you wrote is someone who wants her feelings taken seriously. And it doesn't seem that you feel that that's happening with him. You have certain needs that aren't being met (affection, feeling like you're his woman and not his friend, confirmed by others' comments). He expect you to conform to his way of seeing things, but it doesn't sound to me like you think that he does the same for you. Without lack of mutual accomodation to one another's needs, the relationship is not gonna be good.

exactly ...... a two way street.

[blind_otter]

Originally Posted by Outcast

You are sabotaging this relationship. YOU MUST STOP INSISTING HE BEHAVE THE WAY YOU WANT. It's very controlling. You want him to behave in a way that is abnormal and uncomfortable to him because in your brain you have decided that only people who grope and touch in public actually love each other.

IT'S NOT TRUE. And it's only your brain that has insisted on this being the case.

So your choice is to continue believing that only people who touch in public love each other (something that is not true) or realize that you have trapped yourself and Charlie in a false belief, drop the false belief, and allow him to show his love HIS way.

Bunk. So she's supposed to sublimate her needs, what makes HER feel comfortable in a relationship, in order to make him feel comfortable? WTF is that? That's what women do in abusive relationships. I know, I'm the poster girl for them....but IME this is the exact kind of behavior that fosters resentment. Ideally both people can communicate their needs and compromise to give some level of attention to your partner.

Hell I did this with my exH and he didn't hit me. I just sat on my needs. I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me needing the love and tenderness I craved because I didn't get that kind of affection from my mother. I was told that my expectation of affection was wrong. It totally twisted my head and made me vulnerable to being in relationships like that as an adult because it was drilling into my head that MY needs were wrong and weird, and I should just shut it to please other people because otherwise it was MY fault if things went wrong or if I felt uncomfortable.

Why is it bad to desire someone to show you tenderness? Why is it wrong to want someone to touch you?

IMO it's friggin bass-ackwards that some dude thought her FRIEND was her BF's WIFE.