[basscatcher]

(WARNING: Alpha this is not short--I have too much to say!!)

Ok it happened again.. Charlie pointed out again last night on the phone that I am doing it again. He says I am being overly insecure and paranoid. I don't see that I did this last night on the phone. WTF?? Am I blind to myself? I was only inquiring..
He asked if I had talked to Carrie since this weekend and asked if the guy she met Saturday night called her? I asked him why he is always asking about her and he told me because she is my friend he considers her his friend and he cares about my freinds too. He accused me of being paranoid and he was obviously upset and lectured me about his values of friendship; ex: if my friends needed his help he would help them.
He grilled at me that he hasn't flirted with them, he hasn't made moves on them but they are my friends and that makes them his friends...
He was heated last night. He said I was being overly jealous and insecure and its driving him nuts. He said he is sick of it. WOW.. WTF.. I asked him a question about why he always asks about my friends (especially the one we hang with on the weekends.)
I told him I feel like a equal to my friends with him. When we are out people don't know who he is with because he doesnt put his arm around me, he doesn't kiss me, he doesn't hold my hand.. A guy asked him if my gf was his wife and he didn't want to move in and cause trouble if she was. WTF... That felt like a slap in my face. WTF.. That made me feel like we don't look like a couple.. I am so hurt and furious about this..
I am struggling with feeling like he doesn't want to touch me or show me affection in public and now this.. It seems like a confirmation of my feelings..
He attempts to reassure me that he wants me, is interested in me, but I need to lighten up and have fun. He said I am choking him.. WTF... I am so confused about all this..
I feel like he is more concerned about my friends then he is about me. I've never had a bf who cared about my freinds before and gave them equal attention as me. I am use to my man giving me more attention then my friends. I am use to my man touching me (hugs, holding my hand, arm around me, etc) He states he doesn't want to make my friends feel uncomfortable. Carrie goes out with us frequently and its just the three of us. He said he isn't going to be all over me and make her feel left out or uncomfortable!! WTF--EXCUSE ME....??? She knows we are a couple--HELLOOOOO---She expects him and I to exchange a little affection once in awhile but he wont do it unless she is paried up with someone else then he will dance closer to me and hold me by my waist..
I believe that what he claims there is truth to it. but damn cant he at least make me feel like I am his gf and not just a friend.

Thats my problem with him --The way he is around me in public I feel like I am just his friend and not his WOMAN... I like a man to express a little action that I am his and he is mine. But instead he is just with me as if I am just another memeber in our party..

I try to communicate to him what I am feeling and thinking but when I do he misunderstands almost everything. I told him I am going to write it all down and he said NO he doesn't like to read so not too and then ordered me to get over my jealousy and insecurities. He said I need to do something to stop this.. WTF??

I am so frustrated. I am having waves of hurt and anger.. I just want him to understand that I feel like he isn't attracted to me, I feel like I am the plague, I feel like he isn't interested in me because he doesn't touch me or show me much affection, he doesn't tell me what he feels for me or express what he thinks of me except the negatives he wants me to change..

**** are men really this stupid and blind???

[alphamale]

Originally Posted by padameckla

(WARNING: Alpha this is not short--I have too much to say!!)

actually, this is one of your shorter ones... I'll read and reply later on. he he

[NTB]

man i guess you meant it when you said it wasn't short

[basscatcher]

Originally Posted by NTB

man i guess you meant it when you said it wasn't short

This one is actually shorter then normal. Believe it.
I tried to condense it.. It's not easy when I AM a person of many words. I love communication and I am very detail oriented so its hard to control myself when communicating.

[cal gal]

Originally Posted by padameckla

This one is actually shorter then normal. Believe it.
I tried to condense it.. It's not easy when I AM a person of many words. I love communication and I am very detail oriented so its hard to control myself when communicating.

I am not trying to be mean or hurtful when I say this, but most men don't want to hear all the details...

From my experience, they want a concise and quick scenario of anything they need addressed.

They don't want all the words and drama involved in getting to the problem - thus the solution to the problem. (yes they tend to want to fix things).

Maybe try this more conservative approach and see if you get better results.

If you have something to say - try to keep it to ten words or less.... specifying the issue, then WAIT to see what his response is. He may be saying more than you think he is, as when we are too busy trying to think of what we need to say next - we never listened to what they said in the first place....

For example - honey, - I need you to make me feel important to you....

Then wait - he will have SOME response, and whatever it is will tell you a lot.





Yes, I am a woman.....

Just try it and see how it affects your communication level and coping/problem solving situations....

[cal gal]

Originally Posted by cal gal

I am not trying to be mean or hurtful when I say this, but most men don't want to hear all the details...

From my experience, they want a concise and quick scenario of anything they need addressed.

They don't want all the words and drama involved in getting to the problem - thus the solution to the problem. (yes they tend to want to fix things).

Maybe try this more conservative approach and see if you get better results.

If you have something to say - try to keep it to ten words or less.... specifying the issue, then WAIT to see what his response is. He may be saying more than you think he is, as when we are too busy trying to think of what we need to say next - we never listened to what they said in the first place....

For example - honey, - I need you to make me feel important to you....

Then wait - he will have SOME response, and whatever it is will tell you a lot.





Yes, I am a woman.....

Just try it and see how it affects your communication level and coping/problem solving situations....

And I am reiterating my point as too much wordiness for a man is toooo much everything!

[basscatcher]

Ive been so busy at work this morning I haven't had time to even post. I might get the chance just before lunch break or at lunch break. I'm still coming with the news.

[basscatcher]

OK.. and this is the saga...
Yesterday, I was really deep in my thoughts and feelings about Charlie and I intended to go home and just sit low which I did. I took my son out for supper at Applebees (hmmm, antibiotic-steriod rush...) I text Charlied and let him know where we were and that I had a job offer call. Typically, on Tues evenings he will call and want to meet up somewhere (sometimes Applebee's) so I thought I would give him a heads up to my plans.

I didn't hear from him so I attempted to just occupy myself and let him have his space.. I headed for bed around 9pm not hearing from him and so I texted him and said 'Good Night, I pray tomorrow is a better day." And shut my light out and laid in bed for 2 hours. I couldn't sleep. It was so weird not having him call me... He has called me every day except once during the first 2 weeks of our relationship and it was rolling in my head so much and I felt so emotionally uneasy that I said a pray and picked up the phone and called him.. at 11pm.. (he has called me that late.)

He answered the phone with a bit of an attitude and I straight up honestly told him; after we said hi in calm mellow gentle voices to one another, that I couldn't sleep. He was on my mind so much it was disturbing my ability to sleep. I told him after last nights tiff and not hearing from him was not settling with me very well.

He 'hmmm'd' a bit then started to bring up the night before topic and I asked him to 'stop' and he went silent. In a soft, calm gentle voice I told him that is not the issue. I told him that he went on a tangent venting last night and I couldn't stop him so I let him vent thinking he would feel better once he got all hs frustrations out about the topic that he blew up about. I inforned him by the time he was finished we both were so exhausted that he didn't hear what I needed and had to tell him. I then told him I would like to explain it to him.

(Here is where I took Art_Critics words of advice in post #47, 52, 55, and 71..)
His words were simple and direct and he spoke with feeling and honesty and not with his own pain, hurt, or bagage. He spoke directly as a man to me with advice.

I in-short explained to Charlie what he vented about was old stuff and it was me digging around trying to figure out what my feelings were trying to tell me and that what he was getting so defensive about is not the problem. I reminded him that when I feel I feel with intensity and extreme deepness that it confuses me. I told him if he had a stomach ache he would want to know why he has it and therefore he will try to figure out what caused his stomach to hurt. I told him that is what I was doing. Tryig to figure out why I was feeling so insecure. I told him plain and simple that he is neglecting me in this relationship.

I explained to him this analogy:

'Children need nurturing through touch and possitive words to develop healthy and be balanced with themselves in life.'
he replied 'Yes."

I said:
"Relationships need that too. If you don't nurture the relationship with touch and possitive words to one another the relationship will be unhealthy and unbalanced. Insecurities and lack of trust will grow."
he replied "Yes."

I told him he hasn't been nurturing to me by touching me (showing he cares about me.) and that he doesn't say possitive words to me (speak about how he feels about me.) and I am feeling unbalanced and uncomfortable.

He said he understood.
He told me then that his X-Kim has been calling him every few days and has been leaving him voicemails asking why he won't answer when she calls. why can't they be friends, why he wont return her calls. She tells him that she see's him drive by and she wants to talk to him.

He told me his plan was to ignor her and hope that she goes away but I personally don't think that is going to happen. I feel he needs to face her and he said he doesn't want too.

What is is dealing with internally now is what he should have dealt with BEFORE he got involved with me but since he didn't he said it is hard dealing with the past of her and letting go and wanting to be with me and build with me..
He is on a emotional roller coaster between the loss of hopes, dreams, and 3 years with her and starting new with me.
He told me he DOES NOT want to go back to her. I told him if he wants her then he needs to go to her.. I can't live like this in fear he will fall into puppy mode with her again. He said that is one reason why he hasn't been contacting her..
I told him everytime she calls him and leaves a message it affects him and he agreed it does. That is when I told him he really needs to deal with her or she is going to continue harrassing him and he is going to continue with his emotional roller coaster..
He said he is trying too.
I requested that if he needs space and wont be calling me then I would like for him to warn me so I know he is needing space.. He started a habit with me that I really cherish and enjoy and if he just goes cold turkey without warning I WILL react to it.. He said he would..

He told me to loosen up a little because he has a lot going on with all this.
I told him if I knew what was going on with him I wouldn't be so non-understanding. I told him he needs to communicate with me because I can't read minds. He said he will.
He apoligized and asked me to be patient and understanding; He wants to be with me.

He said he understood it is hard on me too because I love him and he is still dealing with letting go of her in his life. She is physcially gone so-to-speak but he needs to erradicate her from his soul... Three years with 3 engagements to her is not easy to let go of. He had hopes and dreams with her. They bonded with each others children and now he chose to let all that go so he is learning to accept that life is over and he has an opportunity to move on.

I do understand what he is going through because I have done it myself. He asked me to not call me a rebound.. He doesn't believe I am but I think in a way I am. He wanted to move forward before he met me but didn't have the strength to resist her. (SHE IS BEAUTIFUL...!!)

So this is where I am now. I understand better what I was feeling and that was his distance because he is dealing with his past of letting go and accepting it wont work and he doesn't want that kind of life.
He is also building with me but his past is still lurking around so it is difficult to be torn between two places.
He wasn't communicating with me what was going on because he was afraid I would totally flip out on him. I asked him to trust me. He said he does.. I said NO.. you trust that I wont cheat on you but you don't trust me with your heart, with your feelings.. I told him to trust me. I reminded him that I too have been where he is at.. It is difficult to try balance two areas of life that parellele. I told him he is so-worth working all this out
with because I have seen how he is with his family, his children, his friends, I have seen how he is on business calls with clients, i have witnessed his public manners, I see how he respects me and doesn't disrespect me. I hear his vocabulary and he doesn't talk replusively. He is a mild mannered man with has patience and is a thinker. He doesn't yell or raise his voice. When he is drunk he is so affectionate and loving towards me (I believe he lets go of his struggles when he is like this and he puts his heart on his sleeve.) He treats my family and friends with respect and never complains too much about the way they are (Dysfunctional and lots of Drama.)

He is a good man, He is struggling with healing and growing at the same time. It is not easy if anyone has ever had to make a choice for the better and its hard to give up habits. Ex: Smoking, Drinking, Drugs, Habits, Unhealthy relationships. He is has a relationship with me that he has never had before. I communicate, I give love and affection, I care about how he feels and what he likes and doesn't like. I am not one to order him around or ignor his needs. I am not one to run away from conflict I face to find a resolution to erradicate it so it doesn't come back.

He wants me.. but he needs to also heal from the past.

I need support and encouragment from my frends, family and even LS'rs so I can stay strong in this. He is worth it to me. He doesn't have to be perfect.. He is not a drug addict, he doesn't drink to oblivion or every single day of the month, he is not physcially abusive nor has he ever verbally abused me. He and I share very similiar morals and values about life, the world, she share similiar interests. We are compatable!! We have this hurdle of Kim and his past with her to deal with and I think that will be the biggest obsticle for now..

Anyone who has been in this position please feel free to give me some advice.. I don't need negatives because I AM NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND ANYTIME SOON about Charlie..
My choice right now is to attempt to make this work.. It is possible to get through this. If he and I do it together with communication, understanding, patience, and trust in one another. With the support of our family and friends..

[a4a]

I feel like I am the plague, I feel like he isn't interested in me because he doesn't touch me or show me much affection, he doesn't tell me what he feels for me or express what he thinks of me except the negatives he wants me to change..

He bought you a ring, buys you boots, takes you out, calls you, pays attention to you by spending time with you.

I personally hate it when a SO's are all over each other in a group setting. I don't expect my H to do so in public or with a group of friends because it does make some people uncomfortable......nor do I think someone standing up in the middle of dinner stating their spouse is the most wonderful most beautiful and in love with them necessary to confirm that they care.(exception would be a toast for a special occassion)

It sounds like you are being very insecure and unsure of his true intentions with you. Now if by him showing you a little affection in front of people to confirm him being committed to you to get you over this? Why is it so important that others know the degree of your relationship?

[Art_Critic]

New relationships are not supposed to be this much work/drama. On both sides.

I think that some of the issues Charlie is pushing back on you and then you think how the issue is yours..
He isn't an angel in all of the problems you are feeling that are there..But you seem to keep blaming yourself and your insecurities for everything

I think he is more broken than you realize..

[Becoming]

Pada, what I hear in what you wrote is someone who wants her feelings taken seriously. And it doesn't seem that you feel that that's happening with him. You have certain needs that aren't being met (affection, feeling like you're his woman and not his friend, confirmed by others' comments). He expect you to conform to his way of seeing things, but it doesn't sound to me like you think that he does the same for you. Without lack of mutual accomodation to one another's needs, the relationship is not gonna be good.

Yes, you probably are a little insecure. But so what? We're all broken and have issues. You have good reasons for your issues that that need to be respected. If your feelings can't be respected, let alone tolerated, you need to be true to yourself and tell him that unless this changes, you're going to have to reevaluate whether you want to be in relationship with him.

He's wanting you to work on your issues without him putting forth equal effort to work on his, and that's what I see that's particularly problematic.

Have you told him what you wrote here because it seems clear to me what you want.

[a4a]

Originally Posted by Becoming

Pada, what I hear in what you wrote is someone who wants her feelings taken seriously. And it doesn't seem that you feel that that's happening with him. You have certain needs that aren't being met (affection, feeling like you're his woman and not his friend, confirmed by others' comments). He expect you to conform to his way of seeing things, but it doesn't sound to me like you think that he does the same for you. Without lack of mutual accomodation to one another's needs, the relationship is not gonna be good.

exactly ...... a two way street.

[Sassy]

Originally Posted by Becoming

Pada, what I hear in what you wrote is someone who wants her feelings taken seriously. And it doesn't seem that you feel that that's happening with him. You have certain needs that aren't being met (affection, feeling like you're his woman and not his friend, confirmed by others' comments). He expect you to conform to his way of seeing things, but it doesn't sound to me like you think that he does the same for you. Without lack of mutual accomodation to one another's needs, the relationship is not gonna be good.

Yes, you probably are a little insecure. But so what? We're all broken and have issues. You have good reasons for your issues that that need to be respected. If your feelings can't be respected, let alone tolerated, you need to be true to yourself and tell him that unless this changes, you're going to have to reevaluate whether you want to be in relationship with him.

He's wanting you to work on your issues without him putting forth equal effort to work on his, and that's what I see that's particularly problematic.

Have you told him what you wrote here because it seems clear to me what you want.

Becoming totally agree with you on this!

[basscatcher]

Originally Posted by Becoming

.......Have you told him what you wrote here because it seems clear to me what you want.

I try too but its gets out of hand with enuendos and I can't finish what I was trying to explain to him. That is why I said I needed to write it all down so I am giving the opportunity to communicate to him what is going on inside of me..

Before I realized what was bothering me (last Thurs) I was projecting what I was feeling -that he was more attracted to my gf (Carrie) then me and I realized I was projecting my feelings on something/someone else and that is not the case. I trust Charlie. I trust Carrie.

It's normal for us as humans to try figure out what is causing the problems and sometimes we don't see the real underlying cause we only see the effects of it and what is showing on the surface and innocent persons or things can get blamed when they have nothing to do with it at all.

I did make a few statements in the past to Charlie asking him if he was attracted to Carrie and if he was interested in her. (I was trying to figure out why I felt him being physically distant.) Since I asked him that he blames all my discomfort on not trusting him.

Sometimes we are guilty of projecting our own problems and emptyness on innocent victims because we can't see or take responsibility for our selves.

This is what I did at first until I figued out what my distress is.. I am thinking about wrting that letter to him anyway... If he doesn't read it everntually then I figure he really don't give a damn whether he is with me or not. If he truly cares about me and wants to work through this then he WILL read it..

[basscatcher]

I am not looking for him to be draped over me like a cheap coat... I like to feel touch..
I wish he would once in awhile put his hand on my back or touch my hand when we are sitting at a table at the bar, or look at me for longer then just a quick glance, why can't he hold my hand as we work our way through a crowd so we don't get seperated. Why can't he stand closer to me instead of at a distance like you would if it were just a friend?
Why can't he initiate a hug in the privacy of our homes when we enter one others homes or say goodbye with a hug or/and a kiss..

If I didn't initiate He would probably only touch me once a week or when we are having sex!!! I feel physcially deprived and I don't want to use seduction as the only way to get him to touch me!!

I am a touchy-feely kind of person and I like to be touched as well.
I need to hear possitive words about me to help me feel good about myself. It is reassurring to hear your partner say that you look nice, or they like your hair that way, or I missed you or I love you!!!

I am not for materialistic stuff!!! I am more personable then stuff... I like material things but it doesn't make me feel loved or wanted.

A genuine heart felt hug or a genuine feeling filled I love you is what touches my heart and my being...