She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie; cocaine....
I am an idiot and I wish I could erase last weekend.
I went to a friends house on friday, after work. I was an idiot. Everyone at his house just get drunk and f*cked up ALL THE TIME. Basically, there are usually guys there who offer drugs to me. So. I faithfully returned home each time to receive my BF's phone calls. I basically stayed up about 51-52 hours straight doing blow and only spent $60. All my drinks were bought for me by various dudes.
Bosco saw me out on saturday night and said "It's almost painful to see you like this."
I know I was doing it to escape myself and my own mind. I know why I did it. I just....I don't know.
__________________
I love these little people; and it is not a slight thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.
Dont beat yourself up. Today is a new day. Just try not to make yourself feel that way again. Cheer up BO. Sometimes even when we know that things are bad for us it makes us want to do it - or them - even more.
Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo
Sorry to hear this BO.
Have you ever thought of joining some kind of support network, like AA?
Been to AA and NA. It's not a habit....it's self-medicating. AA actually helps me minimize my issues because I'm like, well I'm not as bad off as THOSE people. There are always triggers and I always binge, the only thing I use habitually is cigarettes and caffiene. I used to smoke weed every day but for some reason that has just tapered off naturally.
I have been having flashbacks from the CBT therapy and told the therapist I'm taking a 2 week break because she is pushing, pushing me to do things I don't feel ready to do. She is young, and idealistic I suppose. Thinks she can "cure me" by exposure therapy. All it's doing is putting me inthe mental state I was in right after it happened. I TOLD HER THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I said no, if I could take 3 months medical leave and cope somehow I would but I can't I just can't.
To be numb, that's what I wanted. To forget. I wish I could just forget what happened to me. I wish I was not like I am. I hate having PTSD I hate it. I don't want to use, I hate using drugs and alcohol to forget. I wish I could erase it from my head.
Originally posted by blind_otter
To be numb, that's what I wanted. To forget. I wish I could just forget what happened to me. I wish I was not like I am. I hate having PTSD I hate it. I don't want to use, I hate using drugs and alcohol to forget. I wish I could erase it from my head.
Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo
I'm so sorry, Otter.
Would it help to rant a little more about it?
Every moment of my adult life has been a struggle. I have good days and bad days but what makes it worse is my intelligence. I am intelligent enough, and aware enough, to know how it could be. I learned how to survive. I never learned how to thrive.
What kills me is that I fear. I am afraid that my self-destructive habits will ruin the ability to have a better life. When I am getting high, I sometimes honestly think -- maybe this will kill me. Maybe this time I'll die -- and in that instant, that's what I really want. My drug and alcohol abuse is really a passive aggressive method of suicide. That's why I binge, rather than have a habitual issue. Instead of sitting there wanting to kill myself I go on drug binges. I run.
I am so ****ed up in the head. I don't deserve my BF. He treats me too good. He is too good a man for the likes of me. Dirty horrid girl -- that is what I am afraid of. There is a part of me, inside, that I am afraid to even look at because it is twisted, ugly, a monster. There is a monster that lives inside me and I just want it to die.
I've learned that the choices I make in life is because I can and I know the pro's and con's of them. I'm a pretty intelligiant person and I have a very strong mind...sometimes to strong for my own good.
The reason strong minded people chose to do these things IMHO...Is because they want to see how far they can take things. This may sound weird or out of nowhere but the past I would say 4 months of my life has been a test...Just like yours
I test myself to see how ****ed up I can make things and how fast I can fix them and be strong minded about it. I had the best weekend B-day of my life...but one thing made me nervous..The fact my EX was there. Yes their were drugs so yeah of course I did them.
During a hard time those drugs helped me express myself to my EX in a way I never thought I could. I "used" the drugs to my benefit and it helpled. What made a difference is I didn't abuse it. I tried it, it helped ...the drug you mentioned...Now I'm done and really honestly it doesn't bother me that I acutally did it but what bothers me is that it took that route in my life to realize what I wanted and help to deal with the pain.
BO you're a very strong person I can see and read from all your post...You chose to do these things because you want to and you know in the end you'll always be BO and no one can change that but you. Life is full of surprises and challenges...You don't know is the same reason you do know....
It's because you can and you will...Does this make sense?
i'm not really sure what i can say to help you out but maybe you can get a sponsor
my buddy is a heroin addict and he doesn't really do meetings and all that but i'm his sponsor so i do alot of the midnight calls and picking up stuff not really sure if it helps him even tho he says it does maybe it can help you out
Looking at that picture of us together on my desk makes me feel sick to my stomach.
My psycho ex did this to me, got coked up and lied about it. It's like I'm turning the tables on my BF. Doing what was done to me, to him. He doesn't deserve this. He deserves a beautiful, sober person who was never raped or molested or beaten up. He deserves someone pure and good. I am weak. I want to be good for him. I never want to go back to that house again.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
I am an idiot and I wish I could erase last weekend.
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