my boyfriend and i recently got engaged.. he has always been a typical guy with the fascination with porn and whatnot.. but now that we're going to get married, do you think a new line needs to be drawn because he isn't a bachelor anymore? i was wondering people's opinons.. it bothers me a bit.. but i know it will probably bother me more if he does it and he is my husband. i'm just wondering if it is only fair to tell him to stop because we are married. thank you!
Why would you ask for other people's opinions on fairness between you and your husband? I would suggest that the only two people with a say on this are your husband-to-be and you. How important is it to him to use it? How important is it to you that he NOT use it?
In reading Loveshack, I have noticed a pattern wherein wives and girlfriends "forbid" porn and then their men just take their usage of it underground. Then "dishonesty" gets added to "porn use" on the list of husbandly crimes.
I'm married and I "let" my husband look at porn. I even look at it myself sometime - and often end up laughing or saying "eewwww!"
Why not just have a calm, neutral discussion where you both talk about your attitudes toward this? Neither of you should judge the other - just listen with open ears and heart.
Do you dislike porn because of what it seems to symbolize, or have you noticed it having detrimental effects on yur sex life or his behavior?
Sweet,
You should absolutely draw a line if your goal is to thoroughly annoy and alienate your husband. Porn is something that can be both good and bad for a person or a relationship, and attitude has everything to do with which one it ends up being.
Most guys look at porn because the images depict something that they think isn't available or realistic in their real life. Just like people read books and play video games to assume the lives and identities of other people for a short time.
If you want to minimize any negative impact of this in your marriage, do not nag him about it. Instead, incorporate it into your life with him. Make it no big deal, for either of you. Engage in some of the more palatable activities with him. Show him that you can fulfill some of those fantasies, and don't wait for him to ask you. If you've carried around an attitude about it for a while now, he will be gunshy about the subject with you. Take the initiative and ask him to help you "appreciate" some of the things that interest him, and then have a playful and positive (and maybe naughty) attitude about it. I'm willing to bet this will work wonders, and you'll be surprised how good night time can be for you.
If you simply cannot do any of this, then just keep quiet about it. If you can't do that, break it off with him. You'll just save yourself a lot of frustration, and him a lot of grief.
Your question is "should they", and I don't see anything wrong with it, unless it's going to make you very uncomfortable. In which case, he should sacrifice it for your relationship. However, I think that by reading posts on this forum, women (generalization) have sort of a skewed view of pornography or masturbation's role in a man's life. It's not emotional, or intimate, and it shouldn't threaten you. Only because sex is between two people, and that's a solitaire.
My verdict is it shouldn't bother you, but if it does, you should tell him how you feel. I also don't think ultimatims are healthy in a relationship, I think you should talk about it, unless you want to drive him to pay-per-view when you're not home.
Here's my experience. My fiance had a porno magazine in his bathroom he used while he was single and dating along with a Maxim Bikini calendar in his living room next to his phone. Mind you this man is fixing to turn 46....
I said that he should respect the fact that I was in his life now and dispose of the porn mag and bikini calendar or that once we get married and I move into his house I would bring my hunky firemen calendar with me to hang along side his bikini calendar and I'd bring a magazine of men with hard ons to put in my lingere drawer next to my vibrator.
Needless to say he didn't think that was funny but he got the point.
I told him this...."Honey don't do anything you don't want me doing". I also asked him if he'd be willing to jack off in front of me while looking at his porno mag and he said "No". Another thing I said was "Don't do anything you are not willing to do in front of me"!
So far this settled things. I think all it takes is for some men to get a dose of their own medicine to make them realize how some things bother us girls.
Men can separate love and sex. Looking at porn to them has nothing to do with their love for us BUT many women find this disrespectful - like cheating. I don't care what any man says - when you look at porn and jack off you are having sex with another woman - the woman you're fantasizing about at the time.
If men see their wives or girlfriends masturbating to a magazine of men with huge hard ons do you think they'd be ok with this? Case in point.
Dr. Phil had a show on this and said that if a man is married or in a committed relationship he should not be looking at porn either on the internet, videos or talking in sex chat rooms. It's offensive and disrespectful and is considered cheating.
If my fiance plans on buying another porno mag to look at and jack off to while we're married then you can bet I'll be at the closest adult video bookstore buying a magazine of my own (preferably one showing firemen with big hoses in it)!!
I think men who found their wives or girlfriends stashing porno mags showing hunky men with huge winkies would change their tune!
jp13370, where in wedding vows does it state that a wife may dictate to her husband what he may read and whether he may jack-off? Since when has marriage become a police state with spousal privacy abolished and the wife behaving like a warden?
Who in his right mind would tolerate a fascist marriage?
I have to totally agree with my friends Sole and Bark on this one. Porn is a red blooded American male sport (and some females as well!!!). Telling him to stop is almost ludicrous! Why would it matter???????
It is absolutely no threat to your relationship. He looks at that....and gets off with you. It's a cool thing. To be honest with you....if I met a man who said he didn't enjoy porn....I'd figure he's a DUD! Most men who are creative and sexually explosive......really enjoy porn. To them....it's like a few beers. It sets the mood.
Take Sole's advice....JOIN HIM! You don't have to incorporate it in ALL your sexual situations.....but they DO have a time and place. There are times men enjoy raw sex. Be a great wife....and give it to him!!! I work with LOTS of men.....the whole 14th fleet....trust me here....don't try to take their porn away.
I also asked him if he'd be willing to jack off in front of me while looking at his porno mag and he said "No
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there are plenty of ladies who REALLY enjoy watching exactly that!
I don't think that men should substitute porn for sex, but if the guy, for whatever reason, wants a 'quickie' and his spouse is not available or able to assist - let him use the porn. Same goes both ways, in fact. There are times when one partner is exhausted or sick or not around and it can be a bother to be horny, particularly when it won't go away. So grab the porn, take care of it, and back to business. Or wait for partner and use the porn for a quick start.
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I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
I'm VERY against porn, and wouldn't forbid it in any healthy relationship I was going to sustain. I at one time was perfectly ok with it.. but that changed because I worked in the adult industry when I lived on the western seaboard, and saw a lot of HORRIBLE torrid disgusting crap evolving around these women and the companies that put it out there. That, I just can't condone anymore.
So, if your reasons are valid, and just not pure jealousy or thinking "they're better than you", then i'd talk to him. Most couples are perfectly cool with it, and if you realize why he looks at it (ask him!) then maybe you'll both come to a cool agreement about it.
If you have strong religious beliefs though, that set you against it 100 percent, i say DO NOT compromise yourself because in the end it will end up driving you nuts, and a wedge between both of you.
I am sorry but you can't allow something throughout your relationship and then just because you are going to get married expect him to change. You either accept it or you don't. You don't change your mind half way through and expect him to just go 'oh, okay honey'
That point kind of slipped past me.. You usually set those "rules" or talk about those things before hand, atleast I do. That way you know from day one what the other expects, but it still doesn't hurt to talk about it after the fact since you're speaking of marriage, find some common ground
Beyond that, the only "should" is that, before you make a commitment to marry someone, you should determine whether you are compatible. This includes all manner of habits, values and attitudes. Some are deal-breakers; others are not. The trick is know which ones are which, and proceeding (or not) accordingly. The notion that people will suddenly change because they are getting married is not only unfounded but a good premise for marital problems. In your case, since your bf has been looking at porn all along, there is no reason to believe he will stop now. Nor "should" he. On the other hand, if this bothers you significantly, then you "should not" have to put up with his hobby. In other words: if this is a deal-breaker for you, then acknowledge it and move on. Alternately, if you can let it go, do so.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
should guys look at porn when they are married?
Women stashing porn mags!
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