I’ve been viewing the site for awhile, but finally decided to post what I’m going through. So here's my story, just need some advice and to hear what others who have gone through similar things have to say. I'll try to keep it brief, but I'm sure that's going to be tough.
My wife and I (we’re young 29 and 28 yrs old) have been married for 5 years (together 8yrs) and in June she told me she wanted to separate and discussed divorce. I didn’t see this coming. She told me it was because I have been neglecting her, our relationship has not evolved or grown in a positive way, she feels I have been taking from her....taking her for granted, taking from her financially, and wiping her out emotionally. She says she was trying to tell me (which I never got) that she was upset and that things needed to change or else. We saw a counselor for a few sessions, but she said she only did it for me since I was taking things pretty badly. I know she’s been having an emotional affair with this younger guy from her school and they have been hanging out all the time together. She is a very outgoing, very social, flirtatious person. I'm pretty much the opposite. She has said that her and the guy nothing has happened and I sort of believe her. I also know this is not the first time she's done something like this with another guy. I'm just not the jealous type and because of her personality usually just shrug it off as the guy being one of her friends. We don’t have any kids, so I guess at least that’s good. But that makes it so much easier for her to leave me…she can just make a clean break.
She moved out of the house in July and we have been separated since then. She totally did a 180 on her life too. She moved out and is living with a friend; she quit her job, going back to school, and is kind of now living like a college student. She seems pretty happy…of course being a college student again and living that life style and not having much responsiblilty would be exciting and fun again. Plus I know she still is hanging out and talking to that other guy all the time. About a month ago she stopped at the house when I wasn’t home and left her rings. We see each other probably once every week or two and that’s about it.
How do I feel? Well I still love her to death, I want to work on things and I know that a lot of the faults that she has with things are correct. I have taken our marriage for granted and have neglected her some. I don’t think we have communicated very well with each other which didn’t help. We never yelled at each other and argued, which looking back now probably wasn’t very helpful. I want to do better and be a better husband, but she won’t give me the chance. She hasn’t said I love you, miss you, or any other gesture since June giving me a sign she’d like to try. She just wants to give up. I also feel like she was holding her cards all in a row and laid them all down at once…we never discussed marital issues…she kept all of her problems to herself and threw all the cards down at once. When I see her and we discuss things, we both cry…her now more than me. She removed me as her friend on facebook and she takes forever to get back to any texts that I send her…she is really trying to remove me. She's said she doesn't want to share her life with me anymore
I’m still living at the house and we haven’t divorced yet because she told me she just can’t afford it (with all her life changes she’s financially tight right now, if not hurting). It hurts being at the house cause everything reminds me of her…it’s pretty tough. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve talked to friends and family…everyone tells me that she’s making a mistake. Even most of her friends have told me they think what she’s doing is pretty stupid. People keep on telling me to move on…but I keep on having hope that things will work out…but every day I lose a little help. Let me know what you guys think…if you need anymore info to make an opinion…post away and I’ll answer.
Thanks in advance!
Last edited by Tom81; 17th October 2009 at 2:49 PM..
Read my story. It's called Accepting divorce. Similar situation, except 2 kids. Similar timings and ages too. I've given up having hope, well most of it that is. It's just a little candle flicker in the back of my head.
You seem to have basically the same situation I do, except you've been going brought this much longer than I have, and I really do feelfor you.
My wife left very abrupt as well, however she cut contact completely. Same scenario -- "neglect, love you but not in love anymore" and of course another man. Awesome, because I didn't provide for her while she did basically nothing but play "house wife" for 5 years until I encouraged her to get into school -- which then turned into all this happening. Honest thought on your situation -- the same as mine, your wife is/has been seeing this other man and feels as if she is happier with him because it's new, just like when you first met her.
I'm definently not the man to ask for advice however. I feel as though I've lost my sanity completely in recent weeks and drink/pop pills just to sleep or drown out her memory at night. Really don't recommend going that route. Tojaz, Seibert, and many others give great advice... Just have to be willing to follow it. Even though your situation blows, I still envy you as you seemingly still have a chance for you and your wife to reconcile if you both so wish.
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it leave never would you, you show could I if
For me, hope is still a large flame burning in my head. That's why it makes things tough on me. I just know that if we tried at things and got back together we could be a better husband and wife. Of course, I can't make her come back to me...so right now I'm stuck hoping.
Tojaz, Seibert, and many others give great advice... Just have to be willing to follow it.
Funny, I remember you fighting me tooth and nail! LOL Thanks for the compliment bud.
Tom, I'm going t direct you to J-Dads thread "new here, heres my story", because a lot of the advice I gave him can help you too. Also check out my threads as our stories are very similar. Click my name and go to statistics, find threads. Look at the two "my stories". Keep posting, the more info, the more we can help, and you can help others.
TOJAZ
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Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice. Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -Dr.Sydney Friedman
For me, hope is still a large flame burning in my head. That's why it makes things tough on me. I just know that if we tried at things and got back together we could be a better husband and wife. Of course, I can't make her come back to me...so right now I'm stuck hoping.
Your right, you can't make her comeback, but you CAN fix the things you acknowledge as being wrong in yourself. Hope is always there until you decide to snuff it out. Check the threads I suggested and pay special attention to the 180.
TOJAZ
One thing I've come to realise, and people kept telling me this but I didn't listen, until now. If you had to get back together with her and work on it, it'll be awesome for a while. You'll eventually slip back into the old routine and this will probably happen again. Now, like I did, you're thinking that you would never slip back into the old way, but people don't really change that much. Plus, it'll be easier for her to leave a second time because she could then justify why she did it the first time.
She obviously doesn't have the same views of commitment as you do. Do you want to be with someone like that? There are plenty of women out there who view commitment in your way. When I mentioned to my wife that she's throwing away 5 years of marriage together, she went, "Oooooooh! Five years!" all sarcastically, like it's nothing. And when I said that the reasons for her leaving are not enough, especially without trying and you know what her response to me was? Laughter. Actual laughter, like my views on what commitment in a marriage is a hilarious joke. This was 3 months ago and I haven't tried to talk about it since.
So, I'm being forced into a divorce, selling my house and seeing my kids every second weekend. I've been laughed at for my views and beliefs, been told that my marriage was a lie and been told that I'm a liar about who I was when I met her. All by the woman that I love. Should I have hope that she comes back? Should I want her to come back? Am I hoping for something that isn't there? Was it ever there? I do go on a roller coaster about these questions. I just don't know. All I can do is heal myself and try not to think about her ever wanting to come back. If she does, I'll deal with it when it happens. It's not happening now, so I can't address it anyway. So my advice would be to put thoughts of reconciliation in the back of your head. Don't think about it. Make it a priority if it does happen because it's aint happening now. Deal with what's happening now.
Funny, I remember you fighting me tooth and nail! LOL Thanks for the compliment bud.
TOJAZ
Not really fighting you, more or less fighting myself. This whole process really has ground any last bit of sanity I thought I had left into dust. That 'dust' is basically all put into my posts here.
Not really fighting you, more or less fighting myself. This whole process really has ground any last bit of sanity I thought I had left into dust. That 'dust' is basically all put into my posts here.
Welcome to my world! It's a long road you have coming at you, pace yourself.
TOJAZ
The only advice I can give you is that you CANNOT fix a marriage by yourself.
If she has checked out of the marriage and has a BF.. emotional or not then she has checked out of the marriage and any trying on her part is mearly to keep you around on the backburner to catch her if it fails in her new life with the new guy.
Like I said.. no real advice but you need to look at the real possibility that you should just file for divorce and let her move on with her new life and guy.
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~~ One day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else.. ~~
Thanks Tojaz, I'm starting to read your thread and are stories are very similar. It was definitely out of the blue for me and did not see it coming.
My wife is also having an EA with another guy as I have stated above. She as well has told me nothing physical has happened and like you she would probably tell me because it would help with the separation.
I've also read emails and things and found that this isn't the first EA she has had and about 1 year into our marriage she did kiss one of her EA. She told me about it, we cried and I forgave her. I'm not much of a jealous type so I thought things were better. I guess not.
I'd like to do the NC method...it's just hard. I'm living in this house and I'm constantly reminded of everything. Any tips or suggestions on how to make the NC work. I think right now I might be trying to hard to get back together with her and from what I've read that will push her farther. Plus, how well would no contact work if she is still with this emotional affair.
Lastly, she doesn't seem in much of a hurry for divorce. Plus she's still getting her mail delivered at the house even though she hasn't lived at the house in 3 months. She only moved in with a friend who had an extra room, so she still has a lot of stuff at the house.
Yes it sucks, and the cold hard truth is it's either the female quarter life crisis or she has another man, probably both. Dont take her criticisms too much to heart, she is trying to justify her actions by blaming you. Sure work on self improvement but dont beat yourself up. We all act in ways during our youth that are less than perfect, it is part of lifes learning curve, but as man and wife you are supposed to do this learning and growing together. You are supposed to care, share, give, take, sacrifice, communicate, lean on each other, two people against the rest of the world. She hasn't given you a chance, she has simply decided the grass looks greener, packed up her tea set and gone to play elsewhere. This is about her not you, and you are being dangled on a piece of string while she is off enjoying herself. She couldn't even summon up the decency to hand the ring back in person. Take a long hard think, if the opportunity ever arose would you really want to share the rest of your life with a woman that has treated you like this?
Thanks Tojaz, I'm starting to read your thread and are stories are very similar. It was definitely out of the blue for me and did not see it coming.
My wife is also having an EA with another guy as I have stated above. She as well has told me nothing physical has happened and like you she would probably tell me because it would help with the separation.
I've also read emails and things and found that this isn't the first EA she has had and about 1 year into our marriage she did kiss one of her EA. She told me about it, we cried and I forgave her. I'm not much of a jealous type so I thought things were better. I guess not.
I'd like to do the NC method...it's just hard. I'm living in this house and I'm constantly reminded of everything. Any tips or suggestions on how to make the NC work. I think right now I might be trying to hard to get back together with her and from what I've read that will push her farther. Plus, how well would no contact work if she is still with this emotional affair.
Lastly, she doesn't seem in much of a hurry for divorce. Plus she's still getting her mail delivered at the house even though she hasn't lived at the house in 3 months. She only moved in with a friend who had an extra room, so she still has a lot of stuff at the house.
All of this just sucks
Yes it sux! Understand that NC is for YOU, not for her. It is to help you put your life back together, better yourself, and move on. Happy side effect is that sometimes, they realize what they are missing and come back, but not the ultimate goal. To make it easier, remove the reminders, take the pictures down, rearrange the house, paint the walls if you have to, it all helps.
There are also many good books that can help you, if you'd like some suggestions i have a whole stack of good ones, but i will remind you that there are no guarantees, I am now divorced and hating every minute of it.
TOJAZ
While I have "fought" Tojaz and still believe he gives great advice, I have to intervene and tell you honestly that NC, while they say it is for you to work on yourself, you may find it extremely hard. I myself have found it to be completely damaging to myself as all I really seek is the "why" and maybe that "closure", not our marriage to work as I originally wanted. Sadly, this NC and lack of what I wanted has just driven me crazy and I've lost myself between LS, lack of sleep, and the whiskey.
I don't want to discourage you as every situation is different, but I don't want to give you that false hope that everything will end up peachy f****** keen either. If you get the slightest opp. to make it work, do everything you can and listen to these guys/gals!
Yes it sucks, and the cold hard truth is it's either the female quarter life crisis or she has another man, probably both. Dont take her criticisms too much to heart, she is trying to justify her actions by blaming you. Sure work on self improvement but dont beat yourself up. We all act in ways during our youth that are less than perfect, it is part of lifes learning curve, but as man and wife you are supposed to do this learning and growing together. You are supposed to care, share, give, take, sacrifice, communicate, lean on each other, two people against the rest of the world. She hasn't given you a chance, she has simply decided the grass looks greener, packed up her tea set and gone to play elsewhere. This is about her not you, and you are being dangled on a piece of string while she is off enjoying herself. She couldn't even summon up the decency to hand the ring back in person. Take a long hard think, if the opportunity ever arose would you really want to share the rest of your life with a woman that has treated you like this?
You know after all these weeks, I never thought about how she didn't give the rings back to me in person. We were talking about things and we had not seen each other in like 2 weeks and she said she left the rings in the safety box like a week and half ago. I gave her back my ring last week, telling her that it hurts too much to wear it. I told her I still love her and want to work on things and she can give it back to me if she decides to do so. So what did she do, she said she didn't want it because it's insured at the house so she left it in the safety box a couple days later.
One thing I do know, is I am the better person to wanting to try and work on our marriage, try and go to counseling, do what it takes. I know that love 5 years into marriage is not the same as when we were first dating...for some reason she doesn't think this. Hell, that's why she's probably doing better then I am, because she has this other guy to feed her emotions and to make her feel like a million bucks. It just hurts, because I'm trying so hard because I love her and I respecting my vows and there is her just throwing our marriage away.
I'm thinking about the NC, but it wouldn't be easy for me. I'm not that patient or easy of a person to just do something like that.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
It's a long road you have coming at you, pace yourself.
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