[QUOTE=Island Girl;2467345]I have been avoiding this thread and the LDR forum in general.
It is just harder when I have to think about any of it.
I love him. He loves me but he very much has gone to a dark place where nothing is possible and he can't fight his way out - or seem to want to.
And in all actuality - there is no going back and unsaying what has been said. Not just in fights but calmly reiterated as well DAYS later.
I haven't spoken with him since the yo-yo conversation. He has called but hasn't left a message and his calls have some suspicious timing considering all that has been discussed.
I listened to that song "If you see him/If you see her" (country song and a lot rang true. A major part hurts but a very large part is angry about what has been done and so carelessly...
Because of the LDR thing I have gotten REALLY good at is compartmentalizing. So my emotions now are separate and I choose to deal with them at times and then not at times.
Similar to how I could separate the missing him and still go to work and be successful, etc.
I just don't know. There is so much to reconcile. *shakes head*
I understand the pain that you are going through. I am always there to send my blessing and support!
I guess I'm the opposite of you IG and RC. Even when my fiance and I argue...I still want us to talk it through and all I want is to be together to work it out and give each other hugs to make things happier again.
I hope eventually something works out for you IG--positively of course! In whatever way is positive for you and your husband. I'm thinking of you everyday. Take care *hugs*
I guess I'm the opposite of you IG and RC. Even when my fiance and I argue...I still want us to talk it through and all I want is to be together to work it out and give each other hugs to make things happier again.
I hope eventually something works out for you IG--positively of course! In whatever way is positive for you and your husband. I'm thinking of you everyday. Take care *hugs*
When Mathew and I fight I usually just want to strangle his little lights out. He probably wants to do the same to me though.
IG, we love you!!!!
__________________ Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth- Baz Luhrmann
Thank you so very much. Seeing the posts really lets me know I am not alone and that helps tremendously.
It is so very apparent now that I am not dealing with the same man I have known.
Examples are glaring.
I was really not aware that it HAS been going on as long as it has. But upon reflection I can see things a bit more clearly.
He has been making attempts to contact. They are few and every so often.
This is a drastic difference than it ever would have been before as was pointed out by a family member there.
People there have been noticing a change for a while but didn't understand how much of a change or how that change had any effect on us.
As I said, I am angry for sure. But it isn't the same anger as I experience when I am infuriated by him. This is a quiet anger.
I don't want to scream at him - and I would have before. His betrayal of our relationship is far reaching, multifaceted, and permanent.
What's more is that he doesn't even seem to understand what has been done. He has NO CONCEPT of his revelation's impact on me or our relationship AT ALL.
The attempts are purely from a selfish stand point and there is no acknowledgment AT ALL of me anywhere in this. There is no acknowledgment of "us" and how what he said threw all of that under the bus.
The man I loved that loved me would be camped out at his cousin's house where there is a computer - waiting for the chance to talk to me and begging them to try to make that happen.
He would be accountable and thoughtful about ME and what is happening on my side of things.
(BTW this hit me when it was put out there by his cousin with the computer - who reminded me that in situations far less dire - he did exactly this a couple of times.)
Two of my friends here locally reminded me how he would call and track me down at their houses and has before.
The importance to him about US or ME is just not there.
He has concern and is sorry -- but for himself only.
That simply doesn't cut it for me. With no acknowledgment of hurt or wrongdoing in ANY way I just can not buy into his half-hearted apologies for how he is feeling or what HE wants or needs.
Our relationship has always been putting the other or thinking of the other first. I'm thinking about him and his needs, etc. He is thinking about me and my needs etc. We express our needs to each other...but in that equation no one is left out.
It seems I have been thinking of him and he has been thinking about him (for quite some time) and no one has been thinking about me. So now it is my job to do so.
I can not and will not take on MORE responsibility to fix this. I have BEEN the support in every way for him. He was my support emotionally. That was the only thing he had to do was care for our relationship, and me, emotionally.
I haven't been too emotionally "needy" with the turn of events this year.
The interview just that trip etc. paid for and done took a huge weight off my shoulders.
When he began disengaging I have no idea. But as I said I can look back now and see things probably haven't been the same for a while but I didn't notice because I wasn't asking for much from him. I know he was still asking much of me. I just got lost in the shuffle.
It makes me sad. The whole situation does. And I miss him - the HIM I knew that is. Maybe that guy will surface again someday. I have no idea.
I hope so just because he is truly a remarkable man when he is in that self.
I know I won't be around to see it but I still hope for it. I love that man.
The man he is now is someone I am unfamiliar with. I know of him from the stories of how he was before he met me. This is how he is when he doesn't care about others. He has a singular motivation for anything and that is himself - his wants - his needs - his feelings.
This is a person I would not speak to let alone date. This is not who I married at all. The resemblance to my husband is physical only.
He threw our relationship to the wolves. He betrayed me.
I will never believe that he could not do this again - even if we did manage to get through. My trust in him is irreparably broken.
It has been said by more than one person who knows me that he forgot who he married. I think they are right. He forgot and began letting go at the same time is my guess.
You're right, people change. I'm terrified about that in my current relationship as well. Sometimes it isn't really their fault, they're just reacting poorly to horrible circumstances - but regardless, no one party should bear the brunt of all that while the other party wallows in their own personal misery.
I'm still hoping that he'll come to his senses, IG, but as you've decided to move on, I can only tell you that we're all here for you. The way you were here for us so many times in the past.
IG--after all the strain between trying to move to be together, his health issues and now the tragedies in his country. I'm more and more starting to think that he could be clinically depressed! Not depressed in the ho-hum, having a down day kind of depressed. I mean depressed as in needs a psychiatrist/counselling/meds!
You say his family and friends notice he's changed (red flag #1) and you say he doesn't seem to be making much effort to think about YOU and how YOU feel in all of this (red flag #2) and he's slacking on the contact with you (red flag #3).
I don't think he's being an arse by choice...I just think he can't think of anything else at the moment because he's so far gone, he can't bring himself back up on his own anymore! He's overwhelmed with everything and when you're like this, you sometimes need outside help to lift you back up again.
If by some miraculous event, he comes around and all of a sudden acts exactly like your old husband used to--can you still forgive him? If you can't even then, then I guess that's your answer!
And he probably isn't hunting you down, trying to contact you as much as before because he's trying to give you a wide berth knowing how upset you are!
IG, if your husband is indeed suffering from depression, you may need to adjust your perception of the issue a little. Don't you think so? If he is really ill, he is very self indulged and self-pitied seemingly as if only he is the only victim. There is really the need for some treatement and phased recovery until then you will see the end of the tunnel.
I really hope IG you will not be burning yourself by deep anger, but to cherish yourself since his issue is not seen clearly in the short run.
yes, we are always there for you, and is willing to do any supporting work!
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