Should I Get Married Or Break Up? Need Advice Please.
Someone posted a message that is somewhat similar to mine by Roland. However, I think my situation is slightly different. I am in my late 20s and have been with the same woman for close to five years now. We have been living together for about one year and I consider our relationship to be very healthy. Lately, however, I have been attacked by compulsive thoughts of a break up and here's why.
I am someone who thought they'd like to get married young, and have a wonderful life after, yet I now find myself thinking that it is not what I want at all. Our next step together is obviously marrige, idea of which scares me a lot. I had only a few relationships before I met this girl and now feeling that I missed out on a lot of experiences and simple 'dating' scene. We became a couple right before I really got my independence, or started making money. I didn't give much thought about long term feelings, and thoughts when I initially got involved. We met and thought we were perfect for each other from every perspective. Family, religion, what we want out of life, etc. Now, 5 years later I find myself drifting away from all those things inside my mind. Half of mee feels like everything is fine and I'm simply looking for something that doesn't exist. In other words, if I'll be alone I will hate it, and miss her too much and simply end up back with her within a short period of time. On the other hand, I also think that perhaps we're at different points of our lives where as she is prepared for marrige, kids, etc and I am not. There is also very little comprimising that could be done on these topics.
What scares me the most is the fact that I am having these thoughts now. We're not even married, and I think about what it would be like to date other women. I can't imagine this would go away, I think it'll simply intensify ten years from now. I look around me and see divorce and break up everywhere. People in their 30s and 40s with kids that seemed to be perfect couples. I don't want to get married and be miserable like my parents who stay together for all the wrong reasons. I also don't want to get divorced with kids. Sometimes I think to myself that I should simply focus on all the positives we have in our relationship, but my mind still drifts off every other day to the thought of "what it would be like if I was single".
Please can someone have an input, especially if you've been in a similar situation. I can also answer whatever questioins can help you give me a clear advice.
I also forgot to add that I truly love this girl and she loves me. We have a very fun time together for the most part, outside of some typical relationship BS problems. The thought of breaking up with her really scares me, her crying and I know she would take it 10x harder than I would. She's not nearly as strong as I am mentally. She also thinks that everything is absolutely fine in the relationship, so it would come out of nowhere.
I was married for almost 17 years before I finally got a divorce. I am the mother of 3 kids! I was 18 when I got married! I also started having those feelings! My advise to you is break up now before you end up in divorce. Those feelings will not disappear they will definitely intensify. I hate to advocate breakups or divorce but if not you take the risk of you and her being miserable at some point in your life and it's better to call it quits now then after you have kids! Good luck!
First...what is it that you think you are missing by not being "single" verses being in a long-term relationship?
What kind of "experiences" do you think you would gain by dating several women as opposed to learning about relationships, from the inside, with a single committed partner??
If you feel there are lessons to be learned out there in the single world that you might have missed by being in this relationship...you're wrong. As a matter of fact, it's just the opposite! There is more to be learned about yourself and how you interact within a relationship only after you've established an intimate emotional bond with a reliable and consistent partner---someone who has taken the time to really get to know you, and accepts you, for all of your strengths and weaknesses.
If it's sexual variety you miss, well than that's another issue all together! But no matter how many different women you experience, you'll always miss having that deeper, more "loving" connection that you can only establish after being with someone for as long as you have been with your girlfriend.
Whether single or married, the butterflies and excitement eventually fades and complacency settles in. But we must be careful not to confuse this heightened level of security and comfort with boredom. As long as you are not COMPLETELY miserable, there will always be waves of highs and lows. One minute you can’t imagine life without them, and the next, you’ll wonder how on earth you’ll ever survive the rest of your life with them! But if you ride the current and survive the turbulents, you'll reach another day a little wiser and stronger for having put in the effort.
Quote:
“No calm sea has ever produced a good mariner”
Heard that little gem on a TV show last night!!
If you are not ready yet to commit to raising a family, than by all means this should be discussed with your girlfriend. Perhaps a little time to “adjust” to the newness of matrimony before taking that next step. And I don’t think “marriage” will feel any different to you than the relationship that you have now. But by all means, don’t go through with it unless you are absolutely comfortable with the idea!
I can tell you first hand, you are not “missing” anything at all. I was married at nineteen, and single again at age thirty-five. I learned more about love, relationships---and more importantly myself, in those fifteen years of marriage than I would ever have gained if I were single for as long. “Growing up” in a committed relationship helped me to acquire skills I needed to define “who I was,” and what I was looking for in life and/or a potential partner. I didn’t walk into the dating scene naïve or inexperienced…Socially, sexually or otherwise. And with “variety” comes its own set of problems! You may go through a hundred women before you find one as suited for you as the one you already have. Afterall, it sounds like you still may be in love...
Just take a little more time to THINK.
Last edited by EnigmaXOXO; 19th August 2003 at 1:17 PM..
I feel like you may be affected by the "grass is greener" syndrome. I went from being a wild child to getting married young (22) to a man that is my best friend. Because I was young, I do admit that sometimes I get pangs of "I wonder what it would be like to be with this person or that person". Just like you do. But then I remember past relationships I have had (this is key) and why we broke up and I realize how perfect I feel with my husband and how many intrinsic qualities we have in common. You don't learn about these qualities until you have been in a committed relationship with someone and if you find these qualities in a person, hang on to them, because it is rare that you find someone with whom you can connect so deeply. People change hobbies and jobs, but they never change their inherent nature. So if you are able to be with this girl and you have healthy fights and easy silences, don't let that go. You may meet someone that you think you can connect with because you both like BMX'ing and cooking, but that doesn't mean you would be able to sustain a relationship.
My advice is to not get married just because she may want it or that you feel it's the "right time". That will only cause resentment. My parents always gave me the advice when I'm in relationships to make a list of the postive and negative things. Seeing them out on paper always makes it easier to work through. This may also be related to the fact that you are in your first year of living together - THAT IS SOO HARD. Don't do anything drastic.
Location: Planet Earth, North America, in the Columbia River Basin along the lower Willamette River.
Posts: 83
It sounds like you have a good thing going with this girl, so don't blow it. You're not missing as much as you think by not being single. On the other hand, it is a good idea to have time to sow your wild oats before jumping into marriage at a young age. Otherwise you might end up like a lot of guys who wonder what it would be like to be single, and end up having secret affairs or patronizing hookers. Most guys who patronize hookers are married men wishing they had sown a few more wild oats.
In a perfect world, you would be able to discuss this openly with your girlfriend, saying that you love her but you're afraid that you're too young and missed out on experiencing other relationships with other women. Say that your really love her, but you feel like you need to try out a few more women just to be sure that she's the best one for you. Kind of like comparison shopping. Needless to say, this probably wouldn't go over very well. How would you feel if she said the same thing to you, that she needed to sleep with and have relationships with a few other guys before being sure that you were the right guy? If you guys can both deal with this, then maybe if it's meant to be you will eventually come back to each other.
I don't know what to tell you. I'd hate for you to lose a great girl, but I'd also hate for you to get married and always feel resentment or like you missed out on something. Maybe she's not the right one for you if you feel you're not getting what you need out of the relationship.
__________________
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." - from Hamlet , Wm. Shakespeare; Act II, scene ii
Location: Planet Earth, North America, in the Columbia River Basin along the lower Willamette River.
Posts: 83
Wait, talk about it, go see a counsellor. If you can't talk about this at all with your girlfriend, that's not a great sign. I would recommend talking about this with a professional.
I got married at the age of 24 to the first man who proposed to me, even though i had strong doubts that i had been avoiding. my reasoning for going through with it was, much like you, i thought that i couldn't imagine doing much better than him in my lifetime. the marriage lasted less than a year and i ended up really hurting this guy, who was sincere in loving me. we are friends now, but i still feel guilty for hurting him so much, and not sparing him that pain by giving those doubts the attention they needed. if you love her, you have her feelings to consider also.
remember that doubt is natural, a certain amount is normal to have... but if they are as strong as yours than you really should listen to them. you are doing the right thing by asking advice and not supressing them like i did.
i am happy now with another, which i never imagined possible at that time.
even though it feels like you have to make a decision now, remember that time answers all questions. give it some more time.
Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 30th August 2003 at 7:13 PM..
Reason: Removed email address from username
Hi, I notice from your mail there is quite a lot of "presuming" going on...presuming that this girl has marriage on her mind, that she would fall apart if you left her etc. You need to talk openly to her, simple as that. Maybe she is happy to continue with things the way they are i.e that living together is commitment enough for the time being. She may not think you are ready for marriage yet either, and may be willing to wait. Before I say anymore, has she ever mentioned marriage???
I found your question because I typed in Yahoo Search " Should I get married?" Maybe I'm not the right person to answer your question because I'm in a similar situation. I met and fell in love with a wonderful man, but he's not EVERYTHING I've ever wanted. Are we programmed by media and movies to believe that there's someone out there who is?? Anyway, I'm in a different boat because we have a child who's seven months old. Although he's a great playmate for our daughter, he doesn't do all of the things that are necessary to take care of her (besides financially) i.e., he doesn't even know what she eats for lunch! He's honest, giving, and sweet, but he doesn't completely satisfy me sexually, and I've gone from a size 10 to a 4 in 3 months, and he hasn't even commented on my change of appearance!! If you get any good advice, please let me know! Is it normal for everyone to have "cold feet"? I'm afraid I'll eventually have an afrair because other men make me feel gorgeous and he hardly notices I have a six pack! I'd love to know if you've had any success. She sounds just like my fiance'~if I didn't say anything, he'd think everything was fine. Shouldn't that be a sign that they don't understand us well enough to see when sonething is wrong??? I've made several attempts to rectify the situation, but he says everything would be great if I didn't complain. I think that means he'd rather ignore how I feel than work on making things better. I'm terrified of ruining a good thing to find a perfect thing, and I'm terrified of ruining our baby's future. Please let me know if you've had any success with advise/therapy/etc., I wish I could give advice, but I'm just as confused as you are!!
Hey,
I think that you are perhaps risking losing the perfect girl for you. You have to think back to what it was and why you fell in love with this women and have these things changed or are you maybe blurring the situation by thinking about the "what if" questions, instead of the focus being on making the love you already have stronger.
You must have heard the saying that being in love is different to falling in love, that you are falling in love you are on like a high but when you are in love with a person the love is much deeper that. What some people see is a negative change in a relationship is actually something quite positive.
As for the sexual side of things i agree that why waste that time sleeping with random people only to have made the biggest mistake by letting "the one" get away. sex is one thing,it's fun of course and what have you but quite different to sex with your partner i'm sure ( i guess that is what they would call making love and for a reason). Just because someone is great in bed does not mean they could meet your needs emotionally or intellectually which obviously your partner does. Love is not all about sex although this is important to, it is about committment, honour,listening to each other, enjoying each others company and often just the little things.
How can you expect to meet someone you would like too spend your life with through a steamy rendevous,is that a story you want to tell your kids?
I myself am not maried but have been in a committed relationship for nearly six years and have 2 children to this man.The reason we are not married is not because we don't love each other enough it is just we know our realtionship is all that marriage entails and we dont need a marriage licence to tell us that as well as the financial aspect.I am not saying that i will never get married just that you dont need to rush getting married and that it does not mean you love a person any less.
As for the sex thing i only have had sex with my partner,not for any religious reasons( i am not religious) or anything just that's the way that things have turned out and i don't have a problem with out. I could go sleep around but what that prove- only that i am a dumbass for letting the best thing that ever happen to me get away.
I Know people who have slept with few sexual partners and those who have slept with a lot and it is the ones who have slept with the most that are the least happy.They go for the wrong people,the relationships are not committed, there is no emotion and it builds up negative emotions and depression as in the most part people really want the other life- someone to hold, to be there,someone to love.
The number of people i have heard say "i hate that i have slept with so many people,I wish i could go back and do things differently.
So my advice is don't give up and look at the big picture and if sexual varaiation is what you want why don't you spice things up with your partner.
Good luck.
I think that it is unfair and unloving to not share these thoughts and doubts with her. You are putting her in the position of being confronted with a break-up totally out of "left field" by not being honest. It is essentially keeping her 'on ice' until you make up your mind. That is selfish. You should not leave her with misplaced trust in your partially shared thoughts and feelings. Maybe she'll understand, maybe she won't but that should not determine whether or not you're upfront and honest.
Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.
stay married or break up!
Just to add to your confusion...
There is more to be learned about yourself and how you interact within a relationship only after you've established an intimate emotional bond with a reliable and consistent partner---someone who has taken the time to really get to know you, and accepts you, for all of your strengths and weaknesses.
Hybrid Mode
