My boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years now. When we met, he had a girlfriend of two years. He broke it off with her to go out with me. Every since then, it's like I am obsessed with her! I drive by her house sometimes and I go to Wal-mart a lot hoping she will be there too and I have dreams about her. and in my dreams at the beginning we were always fighting, but now in my dreams we are good friends.

I don't get it! Why am I so obsessed with her! i don't even know her. My boyfiend doesn't know I am obsessed with her. Am I psycho or what? Anyone care to comment?

[midori]

I don't know, but maybe you relate to her in some way. Maybe you know (or fear) that your boyfriend will eventually leave you for someone else, just as he left her for you? In which case I'd say it's not really to do with her, but rather with what you know of your boyfriend (but aren't willing to admit to yourself)...

[tanita]

When i met my now fiancee,he had a girlfreind of a year and a half.We have now been going out for a year and a half and i am still obssesed with her.I know exactly how you feel.I do not know where she lives or where she works so i cannot drive by her house or something of the kind.
It is hard to stop thinking.The difference is that my bf KNOWS that i am obssesed and he reassures me that he left her for me,which he did.Eventhough we have problems(he cheated on me with her ) ,we are now engaged and are working on my feelings.I do not know what kind of guy your bf is but maybe you have to confront him with the fact the u feel insecure because of his past.See what he will say.If you do not think this is a good idea,try talking to someone about it.
You are probably suffering now as it may become an obsession.Tell me more about how you feel.i would like to know.

[km82794]

Well rest assure, you're not alone.....

My fiance left his ex for me, she couldn't get along with his kids.
I know her address, her phone # and where she works. I haven't ever drove past her house or called, but if I thought something was up, I would. So maybe that would be considered as being "prepared".

She has tried repeatedly to get back together with him in the three years we have been together. I found her phone number on his cell phone (missed calls). She got his new phone number when she called the place he works.

I can't answer you WHY we have this problem. Maybe we're just watching our back, because deep down, we wonder if it will happen to us?!?!? Your guess is as good as mine.

I will say, since I found out his ex recently contacted Hepatitus C,
I haven't even thought about her.

Let me know if you find anything out!

[heyjude]

Hi!

Its nice to know that Im not alone. I am also obsessed with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. They were together for 2 years, then she dumped him in a really snide way, then a year later he got together with me and we've been going out for a year now.

I suppose my situations different because all of your boyfriends chose you over her, but Im not sure if he's choose me if he had a choice. He's the best boyfriend, and he always says that Im much better and cleverer and prettier, and I do believe him, but I always obsess over it. He knows that I think about her a lot, and wonders why Im obsessed with her when he isnt at all.

I just always get paranoid when Im with his friends that theyre all thinking about her. I really wish I could get over this, Im not sure if I ever will. At the moment I just keep seeing people on tv saying that you never get over your first love, which is what she was. And I wish he just had nothing to do with her, such as photos and other stuff, but I wouldnt throw that stuff away from ex-boyfriends, so cant expect him to.

When I met my boyfriend he talked about her a lot, so I just thought that this was a guy who was not over his ex-girlfriend, but it didnt matter then, I just knew I couldnt compete. Now it really really does matter because I want to compete sooo much. Really, I know that I come on top, but I still cant help obsessing!!!!

I NEED HELP!!! I cant speak to any of my friends about it because I feel like a freak!!

[julieg]

heyjude, one thing you will never change is the experience of the first love and the aftermath that will always linger in the head of your boyfriend and his ex. like it or not there will always be love for her- a fondness if you will. i left my bf in a snide way a long time ago and know in my heart that he still has a feeling for me as i do him.
think about this hypothetical situation: if something suddenly happened to you, and his snide ex's significant other and then he and his ex were thrown together-would there be any interest?
i say yes.
don't worry about his past and concentrate on today and your future together!

[midori]

I have absolutely no feelings whatsoever for my first love. If he and I were thrown in a room together and were both single, there would be no sparks at all, unless he has changed a lot. And maybe he has, it's been at least six years since I've had any contact with him.

When someone gets dumped, especially in a "snide" way, in addition to lingering affection & attraction, the dumpee has to deal with a harsh rejection. Which can lead some people to want to vindicate themselves in the eyes of their ex, make their ex regret ending things. You know.

Heyjude, it kind of sounds like maybe you've put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes as much as you can, asking yourself, "how would I feel about her if I were him?" And the obvious stuff like wanting to vindicate yourself comes to mind. But that might not be how your bf feels about it at all. What's better than vindicating yourself to someone who has hurt you is to be utterly indifferent to that person. I don't think you're so much obsessed with the ex as you are with trying to figure out how your bf feels about her (and by extension how he feels about you). If so, bear in mind that you cannot know exactly what he knows or feel exactly what he feels, so stop trying so hard. If he tells you he's not interested in her and acts that way, why question it further? If he's sending mixed messages about her then ask him upfront.

[my_mother's_daughter]

I do believe you got your perfect answer in Midori's last post. The first love cliche is just that. I also wouldn't care to waste any time with mine.

Also, as highlighted by Midori, you're not obsessed with the ex as a person, you're focused on the strength of feeling your bf had for her, and you know what? I wouldn't freak out too much about that. The fact of the matter is, we're all competitive animals, we want to be picked first and we want to matter the most. All of us feel this way, it's just that some people deal with it better than others. Accept it for what it is and enjoy your life with the man you love.

xx

[heyjude]

hey,

Thanks for your help. I'm still confused though. If I'm honest, I think there's no way that he'd go back to her. And really, I know he loves me so much and it's me he wants, not her.

So, why am I so envious??

I've been thinking about this after reading the messages, and have realised when it started. He hadnt spoken to his ex for a year when we'd been together, and then when we'd been going out for 5 months, I found texts on his phone. Theyd been texting each other for a month and he hadnt told me, and theyd also spoken on the phone twice. That really hurt when I found out, but he didnt seem to see that hed done anything wrong. The worst that I read was he asked her if she still thought about him. I just wondered and still do why he wanted to know that. But he said that he wanted to make her feel really bad about hurting him in the way she did, but I think thats a load of rubbish.

I think Im just messed up. Everytime he goes round the corner in his room to look in the mirror I think he's getting out photos of her.

I just sometimes feel like going out with my last boyfriend behind his back to make him feel as bad as I did.

I wouldnt though.

[midori]

Originally posted by heyjude
hey,

If I'm honest, I think there's no way that he'd go back to her. And really, I know he loves me so much and it's me he wants, not her.

OK, good. But then ....

Theyd been texting each other for a month and he hadnt told me, and theyd also spoken on the phone twice. That really hurt when I found out, but he didnt seem to see that hed done anything wrong. The worst that I read was he asked her if she still thought about him. I just wondered and still do why he wanted to know that.

Not so good. At a minimum he has shown that he's not indifferent to her. He's taking the time and effort to communicate with her (even if she's the one who initiates the texting/phoning). He wants to make her regret breaking up with him. In other words, he's still vulnerable to her. Doesn't mean that he wants to get back together with her. But their chats are not meaningless. Not to him, and therefore not to you.

I'd have a very frank talk with him. He should know that his interaction with her makes you uncomfortable. You can tell him that it's not a question of trusting him, it's simply that you don't enjoy being with someone who's still so wrapped up in the distant past. That he's willing to give the time of day to that ex is a bit weird, given her previous treatment of him. His admission that he'd like to make her regret breaking up with him is further proof that she still casts a shadow in his mental world. You're not looking for a relationship with someone who's got unresolved issues with his ex girlfriend.

See what he says. It may come down to giving him an ultimatum: forget about your past with her and focus on the present with me -- or else you can forget about having me at all. But I wouldn't issue it right away. If he gets it, great -- no need for an ultimatum, which is usually not a good thing to bring into a relationship. If he doesn't get it, well... would you want to bother issuing the ultimatum? If he doesn't get it then he's a bit thick and perhaps not worth the trouble.

Good luck.

[Jonna]

My b/f and I have been dating for 3 years, and I started obsessing about her becuase he talked about her so much. It made me so insecure. It was like what does she have that I dont kind of thing. I found out so much about herm where she lives, what she does.. everything. But I hate it. My boy friend doesn't know that i obsess with her though, and I don't think I'd want him to know. I don't know how to stop obsessing over her though- sometimes I think I never will. I'm just glad to see that I 'm not alone on this one!

I know exactly how you feel.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and cannot stop obsessing about his ex who he was with for over 2 years.

He still has a picture of her on his wall - in a presentation set of photos from a holiday in egypt. I know he cannot take the picture out of it but every time he is in the shower or out of the room I scruitinise it. She is only about 2" tall in the picture but I obsess over how thin and pretty she looks. I know she was a size 8 and I am a 12 and I keep wondering what my boyfriend sees in me over her.

He tries to reassure me that he loves me how I am but I can't stop wondering what she was like. From what he's said she sounds so different to me and I can't understand how he could fall in love with both of us. It's completely irrational since they broke up a year before I met him but I'm still obsessed.

I guess we have to just focus on the fact that they would still be with them if they wanted to be and try to accept that they have a past that we weren't part of.

If anyone knows how to do that... please help!!

[heyjude]

Elle, your story is just the same as mine. Even the dates. We've been together for a year, he's been single for a year, and went out with his ex-girlfriend for 2 years before that.

I don't think there's any one particular way to get over it (I'd love someone to tell me otherwise). It's definitely to do with personal insecurity, I think it will probably just take time.

I really hope Im not like this with every boyfriend I ever have!! Because it's the worst feeling ever.

My boyfriend had a photo of his ex on his wall up until we'd be going out for 5 months, and I'd just look at it when he went out the room. He always told me she's not attractive, and if I met her I'd see there would be nothing to be jealous about (he must think I'm really shallow if he thinks its about looks). Anyway, I thought she looked really pretty, but completely different to me.

I just find that coming on here and talking to others helps, so come back more often.

OK . . . here goes. I'm an ex-girlfriend who is being harassed by my ex's current wife (his 3rd). He married her about 8 months after I left him.

For the past 3 years and 2 months, this woman has e-mailed, sent IMs, posted web pages, and called my home . . . and I couldn't care less about her life or her husband or anything associated with her.

This morning her "sister" called to find out if her "brother-in-law" is in communication with me and if I had anything to do with their neighbor suddenly becoming cold toward them. According to the wife, I'm responsible for global warming, the Gulf War, SARS, hurricanes, dental cavities, potholes in the road, and any other natural disasters waiting to occur.

I was absolutely annoyed by this call, as I believed that the wife's obsession with me had finally run its course. For the record, I haven't spoken to the ex since the day I left him four years ago. Furthermore, he has NOT tried to contact me in any way, shape, or form. Our parting was bitter and filled with rancor, but we both recovered and made successes of our lives.

I was very happy when he got married because then I knew he'd never bother me again as he knows that I'm a firm believer that the past is the past . . . cut your losses and move on.

The main things I want you to know are that (1) the person you should be concerned with is not the ex-girlfriend but your own self . . . insecurity screws up a lot of good relationships; (2) if your man is talking about his ex, your problem is with HIM, not the ex-girlfriend 'cause obviously he hasn't yet gotten closure . . . and it's probably this realization that has you so wired; (3) let him know how you feel and make the strongest effort you can to block the ex-girlfriend out of your mind; and finally, remember that if you consider the ex-girlfriend a rival and focus on her, then you might overlook the woman who's really after him.

Love your man, take care of him and yourself, kick the ex-girlfriend to the curb (as most of us have done with our ex-boyfriend), and do everything you can to bring closure to your obsession.

[Angel]

I had an ex-boyfriend who was "friends" with his "x's". I tried to be mature about it---and shouldn't have been. I ended up breaking up with him because of his eventual cheating.

Fast-forward: When I met my new man----I asked him point blank if he had prior girlfriends still calling him because I just wouldn't do that one again. He told me that all ties were broken with all of them----and he didn't maintain friendships with x's. I didn't have to change him, didn't have to nag him, nor obsess about them. He has been loyal to me and have not had one hint of impropriety on his part.

Bottom Line: Find a man who has values like yours. You can't change a man. You have to like him "as is".

Good luck. Hope this was helpful.